Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?
samanthajade124
Posts: 217 Member
in Chit-Chat
My boyfriend and I have known each other for about 7 months, only “officially” dating for the last 2. He’s in the Air Force and he just learned he is deploying early next year to Saudi Arabia. We were talking, and he asked me if we could get legally married before he left, then have a ceremony with both our families present to renew vows when he gets back. He knows he wants to be with me for good, and the feeling is mutual. He said he’s been doing a lot of thinking and talking with other married soldiers, and he would feel a lot better if we were married when he left because:
-If something happened to him, I would be notified directly, and I would be able to make decisions regarding his health. (if I were just his fiancé, I wouldn’t be notified)
-I would get health insurance, dental, and optical care
-He would earn more being married while deployed, and we could use the money towards the renewal ceremony, house, etc when he gets back
-I would have access to support groups for spouses going through deployment
-He would use his housing allowance to have me move in with him to a house on base and we could start decorating together before he leaves, and I could finish it while he’s gone so he has a place to come home to. He would also feel comfortable having me around his friends who he knows would help me if I ever needed it.
-Just the overall benefits of being a military spouse
They type of person he is... it’s extremely important to him that I am taken care of while he is gone, and if something were to happen to him. This is why he would much prefer that I’m his wife when he leaves so that I am recognized as such and kept up-to-date.
Logically, I agree with this and I think it’s the best thing we could do. However, I feel slightly conflicted. We still want to have the ceremony with family at some point when he returns.. Whether it be a renewal of vows, or just a family-oriented reception/party of some sort.. Financially it's not feasible for us to do the family ceremony before he deploys due to everyone's location. (We're in Oklahoma, my family is in Wisconsin, and his family is in Georgia) ...My parents & family are not familiar with the military, so I’m not sure they understand the circumstances and the uncertainties and they'd lecture me about rushing into things. His family has some other military members, but I guess my conflicted feelings come from thinking how my family will feel. Are they going to feel left out even though we plan on having a ceremony that involves them?
Anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love to hear opinions and other stories. I know I’m not alone… I’m just feeling slightly overwhelmed by the news of him being deployed and whatnot.
Thanks for reading :flowerforyou:
-If something happened to him, I would be notified directly, and I would be able to make decisions regarding his health. (if I were just his fiancé, I wouldn’t be notified)
-I would get health insurance, dental, and optical care
-He would earn more being married while deployed, and we could use the money towards the renewal ceremony, house, etc when he gets back
-I would have access to support groups for spouses going through deployment
-He would use his housing allowance to have me move in with him to a house on base and we could start decorating together before he leaves, and I could finish it while he’s gone so he has a place to come home to. He would also feel comfortable having me around his friends who he knows would help me if I ever needed it.
-Just the overall benefits of being a military spouse
They type of person he is... it’s extremely important to him that I am taken care of while he is gone, and if something were to happen to him. This is why he would much prefer that I’m his wife when he leaves so that I am recognized as such and kept up-to-date.
Logically, I agree with this and I think it’s the best thing we could do. However, I feel slightly conflicted. We still want to have the ceremony with family at some point when he returns.. Whether it be a renewal of vows, or just a family-oriented reception/party of some sort.. Financially it's not feasible for us to do the family ceremony before he deploys due to everyone's location. (We're in Oklahoma, my family is in Wisconsin, and his family is in Georgia) ...My parents & family are not familiar with the military, so I’m not sure they understand the circumstances and the uncertainties and they'd lecture me about rushing into things. His family has some other military members, but I guess my conflicted feelings come from thinking how my family will feel. Are they going to feel left out even though we plan on having a ceremony that involves them?
Anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love to hear opinions and other stories. I know I’m not alone… I’m just feeling slightly overwhelmed by the news of him being deployed and whatnot.
Thanks for reading :flowerforyou:
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Replies
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my opinion? divorced within 18 months0
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If you are ready for the life...are in love...go for it! ....but be ready for the lifestyle!
Edit** also depends on your age0 -
I think from what you're saying it sounds great! BUT you if you have only been together for 7 months do YOU feel that's enough time for you to be married to someone? It just depends on how you feel in your heart (not to be all mushy or anything lol). I mean while the benefits ARE great, YOU need to make sure that you're truly ready to get married and be committed to this guy.
Other than that if you're both in loveeee and ready to get married, I say go for it! I love love
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It honesty doesn't sound like you'd be getting married because you love each other but for the benefits offered. That is not reason enough to marry someone.0
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I never really believed the saying "you'll know when you feel it" in regards to knowing when you found the person you're supposed to be with. But I feel it. I am in love. I really don't see divorce happening. (But because him and I have excellent communication, we've discussed pros and cons of tons of different outcomes, including divorce, if ever need be)
I should also add, if we do get married before the deployment, it's not going to be a secret. Our families will know. We're not going to try to "fake" a second wedding or anything shady like that. We both greatly believe in honesty.0 -
You're on the brink of making a MAJOR life commitment based on a total of 7 months of knowing/dating your guy.
You still have a lot to learn about other. My vote is for not getting married at this juncture for the reasons you listed (though there are some 'benefits').0 -
Yes! Also think about why you want to get married now; is it really just for all the benefits? If he wasn't being deployed, would you feel that you're ready to be married?....but be ready for the lifestyle!
Also, be prepared that he may (probably will) be different when he returns. My boyfriend is an Air Force vet, and he has a lot of personal issues (PTSD, drinking too much, night terrors, etc.) from it that he needs to work through. If he didn't have those issues, we would be ready to be married and have been (aside from those) since about 4 months in.
Just be prepared for everything, and do what you feel is the right thing. It doesn't matter if other people think it's wrong; every relationship in the world is different from every other relationship. No one else can dictate what's right for you.0 -
my opinion? divorced within 18 months
I was engaged in a month, married at 4 months. I am as happy as can be. (Of course we are a normal couple and fight, but our relationship and love is solid.)
However, I have seen a few of my girlfriends get married before their SO's deployment and it always ended badly :sad:
Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.
I hate to give advice either way.
I think my one piece of advice is this: If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?
Financial security in the short run isn't worth a possible divorce in the future. Divorces hurt both people deeply, no matter who wants it or for what reasons. I speak from experience, being the one who left a husband for good reasons, but the one who was hurt the deepest.
I wish you all the best in your decision!!!0 -
Just be prepared for everything, and do what you feel is the right thing. It doesn't matter if other people think it's wrong; every relationship in the world is different from every other relationship. No one else can dictate what's right for you.
Yes! Exactly!0 -
I kinda felt like that's how other people would view it. Getting married for the benefits. But that's not it at all. I could care less if there were benefits or not. I was fine with staying in my apartment and just doing my thing. He said he just cares so deeply for me that he wants to take necessary precautions if anything were to happen to him while he's gone.
I'm not infatuated with him. I'm in love. We've both been in long term relationships and are mature enough to know the difference. But I don't know how to explain that to people. They always seem to try to make it seem like it's something it's not.
I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.0 -
Sounds like he's a responsible man who loves you. If you can see yourself growing old, being there to help change his diaper and can put up with his male tendencies, or him being there to wipe the drool from your face and change your diaper then why not?0
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Being married is already a challenge when you live together. But when an person is overseas you're adding additional stress to the marriage. Nobody sees themselves getting divorce. Based on what you mention before, don't think its a good idea.0
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my opinion? divorced within 18 months
Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.
Yes, but dude isn't a soldier, he's an airman. There won't be solitude or combat. Being in a foreign land....have you ever been on an air base?
How long is the deployment? Air deployments can be as short as 90-180 days.0 -
Only you can make this decision. When my husband and I met while we were in the Navy everybody thought we were crazy for getting married. Heck they didn't think we should be dating. We met in Mar/Apr. I left in July and we married in Dec. Everyone gave us the whole 18 months max line. We are still together 15 years later. It wasn't easy. We figured we saw each other 9 months total out of the first 3 years we were married but we kept fighting for us. As long as you feel you belong together go for it. Your family will understand in the long run and so will his. Don't think of the money that is piddly to everything else.0
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Well, you haven't known him for long. Think about if you really would be ready to settle down this soon if he was not in the military. If you're unsure about the answer...then there's your answer. I'm usually all about not rushing things and not knowing things so soon, BUT I knew I wanted to marry my fiance the day I met him. Three and a half years later and I'm still just as sure, and trust me we are past the "new relationship" phase. Another "but", sometimes I feel like we are the exception, and not the rule. So really it's up to you. If you think you guys are really gonna make it, go for it. But don't get married for the benefits.
Then again, there's always divorce, but I would never marry someone under the pretense of "we can always get divorced".0 -
You may have known him 7 months but if you have only been in a relationship for 2 months so it sounds like you're rushing into the marriage for the benefits!0
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It honesty doesn't sound like you'd be getting married because you love each other but for the benefits offered. That is not reason enough to marry someone.
This is my impression.
But I waited 7 YEARS after meeting him to marry him, so I may be biased.
7 months of knowing someone isn't very much at all.0 -
I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.
OP, don't be overly sensitive... I don't think anyone here has said anything with any ill will towards you. You asked for opinions, and I think the majority of what people have written is very kind. Most of it isn't what you are wanting to hear -- you were really hoping to get the "Yes, do it!" answer - to help ease your worries and do what your fiancee wishes. Most of what I've read here has all been kind advice to help you look introspectively to get your answer. No one can make the decision for you -- we are here to try to raise issues you may not have thought of previously and to try to help you make the decision that only your heart can make. :flowerforyou:0 -
In regards to "If he weren't being deployed would we still want to get married?"
He spilled the beans and told me that he had planned on asking my dad for permission during my family Christmas trip. And then would propose officially at my family get together over the summer (for which he'll be deployed now) ... so the answer to that is yes. Absolutely.0 -
I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.
Why is that silly? You asked for opinions and you're getting them.0 -
He said he’s been doing a lot of thinking and talking with other married soldiers, and he would feel a lot better if we were married when he left because:
None of the "becauses" had to do with loving you and wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. You've been dating for 2 months. I don't know that I consider you entitled to all those military benefits anyway. I think maybe he likes the idea of having a wife back home.0 -
my opinion? divorced within 18 months
Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.
Yes, but dude isn't a soldier, he's an airman. There won't be solitude or combat. Being in a foreign land....have you ever been on an air base?
How long is the deployment? Air deployments can be as short as 90-180 days.
To your point, you are right -- I am only speaking of knowledge from Army, Navy and Marines. I have only known one airman who has deployed. He was already married, his marriage is great, and his deployments are usually 3-6 months. Very short as far as deployments go. And nope, never been on an airbase, just Army.0 -
Out of curiosity, how old are you?0
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its a bit rushed i think
take that time to plan and think and if ur ready when he gets back, go for it
also think, he may be gone for prolonged periods of time, r u ok with that?0 -
In regards to "If he weren't being deployed would we still want to get married?"
He spilled the beans and told me that he had planned on asking my dad for permission during my family Christmas trip. And then would propose officially at my family get together over the summer (for which he'll be deployed now) ... so the answer to that is yes. Absolutely.
Do it girl. If you're gonna marry him anyway, then do it. Do the civil ceremony and a big one later if you want. Yeah, why not get the benefits now versus later? Plus, you never know, what if something happens to him? If you love the guy, then marry him now.
eta: this scenario reminded me of Daisy in Downton Abbey... though, she felt guilty the whole time because she didn't love the guy at all. Marrying him got her all kinds of benefits, lol!0 -
In regards to "If he weren't being deployed would we still want to get married?"
He spilled the beans and told me that he had planned on asking my dad for permission during my family Christmas trip. And then would propose officially at my family get together over the summer (for which he'll be deployed now) ... so the answer to that is yes. Absolutely.
seems you've answered your own question then and are looking for people to see it how the 2 of you see it. The 2 of you are the only ones in your relationship and what makes the 2 of you happy is what is important. Hopefully, you're both in love and in it for the long haul. Best of luck!0 -
A couple questions, how old are you? Do you live together now?
7 months is not a long time to know anyone - regardless of age....I would also recommend living with someone for a significant amount of time before you jump into a marriage. You dont know ANYONE until you live with them.0 -
I spent 10 years in the Navy and have seen this same situation play out year after year before every single deployment. It never works out the way people want it too. Mainly because there is a maturity factor that is missing when deciding to get married based on the obligations of the military.
I would also (make and educated) guess that another reason for him wanting to marry you is that he is afraid of losing you while he is on deployment. You will meet many more people and have more opportunities to change your mind about him than he will about you.
I would suggest that you hold off until he gets back and then see how things go from there. You have only been dating 2 months. Only known each other for 7 months. Getting married is a huge step and spending nearly the first 6 months or more of your married life apart is an ingredient for divorce. I am not saying that you will end up that way but it will be a huge factor.
As for knowing if he is the one, I never believed in it as well but I can say that it does happen. I dated many, many men in my life and when my fiance found me and we met for the first time, I knew that he is the one. I knew it. Its been almost 3 years and we are getting married in August. So it you know it, you know it. But I am also 40 years old and went through lots of frogs to get to my prince.
No matter what decision you make, just make sure you are 1000000% happy with it. If you are conflicted in any way, wait.0 -
In regards to "If he weren't being deployed would we still want to get married?"
He spilled the beans and told me that he had planned on asking my dad for permission during my family Christmas trip. And then would propose officially at my family get together over the summer (for which he'll be deployed now) ... so the answer to that is yes. Absolutely.
The question was, if he wasn't getting deployed would you want to get married NOW, or woud you be waiting awhile?0 -
Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck0
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