Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?
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He said he’s been doing a lot of thinking and talking with other married soldiers, and he would feel a lot better if we were married when he left because:
None of the "becauses" had to do with loving you and wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. You've been dating for 2 months. I don't know that I consider you entitled to all those military benefits anyway. I think maybe he likes the idea of having a wife back home.0 -
my opinion? divorced within 18 months
Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.
Yes, but dude isn't a soldier, he's an airman. There won't be solitude or combat. Being in a foreign land....have you ever been on an air base?
How long is the deployment? Air deployments can be as short as 90-180 days.
To your point, you are right -- I am only speaking of knowledge from Army, Navy and Marines. I have only known one airman who has deployed. He was already married, his marriage is great, and his deployments are usually 3-6 months. Very short as far as deployments go. And nope, never been on an airbase, just Army.0 -
Out of curiosity, how old are you?0
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its a bit rushed i think
take that time to plan and think and if ur ready when he gets back, go for it
also think, he may be gone for prolonged periods of time, r u ok with that?0 -
In regards to "If he weren't being deployed would we still want to get married?"
He spilled the beans and told me that he had planned on asking my dad for permission during my family Christmas trip. And then would propose officially at my family get together over the summer (for which he'll be deployed now) ... so the answer to that is yes. Absolutely.
Do it girl. If you're gonna marry him anyway, then do it. Do the civil ceremony and a big one later if you want. Yeah, why not get the benefits now versus later? Plus, you never know, what if something happens to him? If you love the guy, then marry him now.
eta: this scenario reminded me of Daisy in Downton Abbey... though, she felt guilty the whole time because she didn't love the guy at all. Marrying him got her all kinds of benefits, lol!0 -
In regards to "If he weren't being deployed would we still want to get married?"
He spilled the beans and told me that he had planned on asking my dad for permission during my family Christmas trip. And then would propose officially at my family get together over the summer (for which he'll be deployed now) ... so the answer to that is yes. Absolutely.
seems you've answered your own question then and are looking for people to see it how the 2 of you see it. The 2 of you are the only ones in your relationship and what makes the 2 of you happy is what is important. Hopefully, you're both in love and in it for the long haul. Best of luck!0 -
A couple questions, how old are you? Do you live together now?
7 months is not a long time to know anyone - regardless of age....I would also recommend living with someone for a significant amount of time before you jump into a marriage. You dont know ANYONE until you live with them.0 -
I spent 10 years in the Navy and have seen this same situation play out year after year before every single deployment. It never works out the way people want it too. Mainly because there is a maturity factor that is missing when deciding to get married based on the obligations of the military.
I would also (make and educated) guess that another reason for him wanting to marry you is that he is afraid of losing you while he is on deployment. You will meet many more people and have more opportunities to change your mind about him than he will about you.
I would suggest that you hold off until he gets back and then see how things go from there. You have only been dating 2 months. Only known each other for 7 months. Getting married is a huge step and spending nearly the first 6 months or more of your married life apart is an ingredient for divorce. I am not saying that you will end up that way but it will be a huge factor.
As for knowing if he is the one, I never believed in it as well but I can say that it does happen. I dated many, many men in my life and when my fiance found me and we met for the first time, I knew that he is the one. I knew it. Its been almost 3 years and we are getting married in August. So it you know it, you know it. But I am also 40 years old and went through lots of frogs to get to my prince.
No matter what decision you make, just make sure you are 1000000% happy with it. If you are conflicted in any way, wait.0 -
In regards to "If he weren't being deployed would we still want to get married?"
He spilled the beans and told me that he had planned on asking my dad for permission during my family Christmas trip. And then would propose officially at my family get together over the summer (for which he'll be deployed now) ... so the answer to that is yes. Absolutely.
The question was, if he wasn't getting deployed would you want to get married NOW, or woud you be waiting awhile?0 -
Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck0 -
I was engaged in training to another soldier, and we ended up being stationed at separate posts. He was supposed to deploy just before me; around the time he got back, I was supposed to deploy. The long distance relationship was too much for me; I wasn't mature enough at the time. We wanted to get married, but now I'm glad we didn't.
Right now, I'm married to a former soldier who was medically retired for severe PTSD. I will tell you, deployment changes you, and each one changes you a little bit differently. From what he tells me, when he got into the Army 10 years ago, he was not nearly as irritable and confrontational as he is now. He can't sleep properly, and he can't go out very often.
My advice? Be extremely careful. I wouldn't marry him just yet, even with all of the practical implications. When he gets home and you meet the person he becomes, re-evaluate. It's likely that you'll still love him regardless, but since the divorce rate is so high after deployment, it would be good to be certain that the two of you are suited for each other before you dive off the deep end.
If you're worried about being notified if something happens to him, get into a good relationship with his family. His parents are certain to be notified, and they'll be more likely to tell you if you've got a good relationship with them. As for the money and the health insurance, I wouldn't recommend you get into a relationship just for that. Trust me--it would end worse if the two of you divorced after his deployment than if he passed away (heaven forbid) in the middle of it and you were able to end up with all of the benefits.
Ultimately, it's your decision. Good luck.0 -
He said he’s been doing a lot of thinking and talking with other married soldiers, and he would feel a lot better if we were married when he left because:
None of the "becauses" had to do with loving you and wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. You've been dating for 2 months. I don't know that I consider you entitled to all those military benefits anyway. I think maybe he likes the idea of having a wife back home.
I agree.0 -
That helps with my point, it sounds like it's for the benefits of being deployed, and air deployments USUALLY aren't that long plus it's not a combat zone.
Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.
Yes, but dude isn't a soldier, he's an airman. There won't be solitude or combat. Being in a foreign land....have you ever been on an air base?
How long is the deployment? Air deployments can be as short as 90-180 days.
To your point, you are right -- I am only speaking of knowledge from Army, Navy and Marines. I have only known one airman who has deployed. He was already married, his marriage is great, and his deployments are usually 3-6 months. Very short as far as deployments go. And nope, never been on an airbase, just Army.
Air bases, for the most part, are like being in American cities.0 -
DON'T DO IT. Just don't.
Don't.
He will be gone 7 months and anything can happen. Not meaning your love won't survive, it can but I've heard so many stories of men and women gettign jodied while on deployment. I have seen friends get cheated on while on deployment.
Just wait until he comes home.0 -
Ok... it sounds like you made a choice, and want us to just agree, and tell you that you are right.....possibly say it in a different voice.
Military life is hard...deployment changes you...SO are forced to change, become single parents, be alone, at the mercy of where the gov't sends them.... this will be an extreeme commitment! Dont make a rushed choice.... talk to a military couple (married at least 10years)0 -
You and your fiance have been together for such a short time. Not saying the rush marriage can't work, but really make certain you and him are on the same path in life. Religion, politics, parenting, and finances are the biggies. No detail is too little to discuss with these issues. Don't expect to be bopsie twins, but you both need to be comfortable with each other's unique perspectives.0
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i say do it. if he ends up horribly injured & dying in a ditch, his last thoughts can be that you'll be taken care of.
i can't think of a better motivation for a man to want to tie the knot.0 -
You should not let other people make your life decisions for you. This is a marriage between him and you. All that matters is the love between the two of you. Just keep in mind he will be gone for a while and the military is known for things changing and telling you at the last minute. My husband and I recently got married before he joined the Navy. We decided that we did not want to be with anybody else. We also discussed what would happen if we did get a divorce. This is an issue you must talk to him about. Do not research this topic on other forums (they have mixed feelings). Just do what your heart tells you!0
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I was reading your original post again. If you were to remove the financial reasons, the one that stuck out to me was being notified directly and being in control of medical decisions. Before deployment, he can go to JAG or any attorney and make you his Power of Attorney and Healthcare Power of Attorney. Both would leave you in charge of all his financial dealings and medical decisions until revoked.
(Just FYI)0 -
My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We met in September, started dating in October and were married in April. It's worked out for us, but I wouldn't advise it for everybody. Especially since you'll be starting marriage in about the most stressful situation you can think of. The only way it would be worse is if you were pregnant.
There are benefits to being married. There are also a lot of drawbacks, especially as the wife of a soldier. You might want to talk to a few soldier's wives and get a more balanced perspective before rushing in to this. There are also probably a variety of other options you haven't yet thought about, that would represent a compromise between getting married immediately or waiting.0
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