Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?
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Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck
It is his first deployment, and it's 6 months. I'm not aware of the type of environment, nor the risks involved.I suppose it makes sense to get nervous and anticipate the worst for a first deployment. I'll ask him to get some more information before we rush into anything. I really have no preference on if we get married now or wait. I was considering it out of how important he said it was to him.
You guys have helped tremendously and I'll be talking to him again tonight. If the risks really are that low while he's gone, there is no reason to rush things. Then the wedding will be as normal and everyone will be happy, including myself.
Thanks0 -
It does seem a little soon right now, but only you know if you're forcing a marriage or doing what you'd do anyway. Only you know if the relationship is right. You said he's being deployed next year, so if you're going to go through with it I'd wait until the last minute so that you can get a little more relationship time under your belt.
That being said, I personally think that "second weddings" or "vow renewals" or whatever that happen after the fact so that the couple can have the "wedding experience" are tacky. The sole purpose of a wedding is to get married - once you're married there is no reason for another wedding. Throw a party when he gets back if you want to celebrate - I'd say do it on the anniversary and call it an anniversary party - but please don't register for or expect gifts, put on a mock wedding for show, or go bankrupt for it. It's either dishonest or everyone knows it's basically a fake done for attention. The culture today puts WAY too much emphasis on the wedding and not enough on the marriage, imo. I'm not trying to offend you, that just the way I see it.
Plus, if you've got at least 6 months, I don't fully understand why you couldn't do something small and intimate with your important family and friends *before* he goes. You're all easily within weekend travel distance of each other.0 -
I just went back and re-read the original post, and here is her actual question to the forum:
"Logically, I agree with this and I think it’s the best thing we could do. However, I feel slightly conflicted. We still want to have the ceremony with family at some point when he returns.. Whether it be a renewal of vows, or just a family-oriented reception/party of some sort.. Financially it's not feasible for us to do the family ceremony before he deploys due to everyone's location. ... but I guess my conflicted feelings come from thinking how my family will feel. Are they going to feel left out even though we plan on having a ceremony that involves them?"
The concern is about her family's feelings, not about getting married at all. Whole 'nother kettle of worms.
How the heck should we know how your family will feel? Ask them. It sounds like you're afraid of them.
since you did indeed ask for opinions, I will offer that you sound a bit young for any of this, regardless of chronological age.0 -
I was a military spouse for 8 years, and was the ombudsman (in charge of the crew's families) for one of those years.
My opinion? Wait.
He can go to legal and draw up some papers and have you named as his beneficiary, executor of his stuff, make legal choices for him "just in case" etc.
He came move out on town, now, and start getting his housing allotment. It won't be as much, but it's more than living in the dorm.
Have him ask if you can be added to the ombudsman's list. There should be one for every command/division/whatever that deploys - these are created specifically to support the wives, fiancées, and girlfriends. A lot of times you don't have to be married to be included.
Being a military spouse isn't for every one and divorce sucks. It's better to know you can handle this type of life... If it's right, it'll be right tomorrow, it'll be right next week, it'll be right next month, it'll be right next year, and it'll be right after he gets back from deployment.
Eta:
Some AF units deploy for a year. I have a friend who did that with ones all child and another on the way. It just so happened that she had the baby during his 2 weeks home of R&R. Are you prepared for ,something like that? They have been married for 11-12 years now. They dated for 2 before marrying, going through deployments together before making it legal. They've been through a preemie baby with serious health issues while having 3 other young children at home, times where neither were employed, 2 HUGE moves, etc.
waiting prepared them both.0 -
Sounds like you are both manipulating each other and using the system. Disgusting.
lol, judgmental much? Disgusting.0 -
I'm a military wife (been with my hubs for over 8 years now) but I was with my hubby for about 3 yrs before we married. Hun, a deployment will make or break a relationship, truly. I'd say don't marry before you go and take the time to solidify your communication, love and trust. All of that will be tested on a deployment and then some. Please feel free to message me if you need to. Good luck!0
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Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck
It is his first deployment, and it's 6 months. I'm not aware of the type of environment, nor the risks involved.I suppose it makes sense to get nervous and anticipate the worst for a first deployment. I'll ask him to get some more information before we rush into anything. I really have no preference on if we get married now or wait. I was considering it out of how important he said it was to him.
You guys have helped tremendously and I'll be talking to him again tonight. If the risks really are that low while he's gone, there is no reason to rush things. Then the wedding will be as normal and everyone will be happy, including myself.
Thanks
He's going to Saudi---a non combat zone.0 -
My opinion is that military marriages because they are almost always last minute before deployment end in divorce. And usually with a kid or two. I say don't do it. Stay together and see if you can work through a deployment in the first place. If you can then get married when he comes home! I've seen too many friends get divorced for this exact situation!0
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Just think about it this way. If you have to ask, its probably not a good idea.0
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No matter the circumstances this is always a flip of the coin on whether it was a good idea or not. Marriage is a big step, I consider it needing the same level of judgement as if you were deciding to have a baby.
You are still technically in the honeymoon phase, usually that phase will last from a few week or months to a year and then feeling change and you idea of who that person was will also possibly change. I think talking to your family, having them meet him, meet his family and live with each other and really take the time to get to know each others best attributes and worst faults so you better know what you are getting yourself into and if that is what you really want.
Honestly if you can look down the long list of some of the hardest questions to answer and everything points to yes you can live with these thing then I would say it's a good idea, if you go down that list and find some hard questions that you may not be able to face then I wouldn't.0 -
Just be careful. Most women who get into marriages exactly like yours didn't see divorce happening; otherwise, they wouldn't have gotten into them.
I believed I was truly in love with my first fiance. I wasn't though, and I'm glad we didn't get married.
If you wait until after his deployment, there isn't really anything you're sacrificing other than practical benefits, and you'll gain so much from waiting. It's hard for newlyweds to spend so much time away from each other early on, so if you last during this time without being married, your marriage is set for life.
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And like I said, I could care less about the benefits. I have health insurance through work, and I can afford my expenses just fine. I don't need the benefits the military offers. I think I'll be talking to him tonight and going over a lot of the points that people have brought up. Thank you, everyone :flowerforyou:0 -
So I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you just laid out all the pros to you getting married to a bunch of strangers. If you don't already know in your heart I would say you're just looking for a bunch of people to tell you it's ok. You laid out no cons, so why not. You should know, for a fact you want to marry this guy without out opinions. My opinion, you laid out all these nice pros, a lot of which had to do with money. Where did you say 'I love him?'0
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My husband's brother and his wife did this; they eloped, with plans of "making it up to the family" by having a ceremony and reception later.
It never happened. three years later, the money that was supposed to be saved for the wedding party has been spent, now they have 2 kids that are barely 9 months apart, and it's pretty clear they are never going to do it. What would be the point? The whole family feels cheated and hurt that they never got to see their son married, and there is a lot of underlying resentment toward the girl he married for "stealing him away" from his family.
You're probably thinking "that'll never happen to US!" and I'm not saying it necessarily will, but don't you think my BIL and his wife never thought that it would happen to them, either?
Think about it.0 -
Don't do this! Just don't.
I live in a predominately military town and these marriages happen all of the time. It is very romantic at first, the "I love you so much we had to get married before I deployed." Most of these marriages don't last. Each person thought that they were different or they were the exception. It's like they never really knew the real versions of each other. In the first six months, everything is wonderful and new and then that wears off and you are stuck with the reality of things. It is when you still love each other when that reality sets in that you would know this is the person for you.
It's not that you don't love this person. It's not that it won't last.
But take some time, go through a deployment together as boyfriend and girlfriend. Let him come home. See if he has changed. If it is meant to be, it doesn't matter if you wait to do it until you have gone through these things together.
And there are many of us who have just seen this situation often. It happened to our friends. I don't know how old you are, but to consider marrying someone and including having health benefits as a pro shows that you are not fully self sufficient yet, either.... don't give up your chance to be self sufficient before marrying someone else.0 -
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I think my one piece of advice is this: If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?
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This.
If you are ready today, and talking about it, why wait? If you hesitate, you aren't ready. Everyone is different, but nearly every single relationship that I have seen, after a year and a half it changes. You are "in love" but the real relationship (IMO) starts after that point.
If you're ready for it, go for it. Why ask us for our opinions? Since you are asking, you may not be ready....
good luck to you both!0 -
Getting married is a huge step. One that should be made based on love and wanting to be together for the rest of your lives. Getting married just for military benefits and a place to live is not a good reason. Just my opinion. I don't know how old you are either. I would say, wait to get married until he comes home. If your relationship can survive a long distance deployment you are meant to be together. Divorce is horrible. I know, I've been through it and marriage is not something I take lightly. Think about it a bit more. Do you really love him? Or, is it just for the reasons you listed?0
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From your original post, to a couple of your follow-up replies, you keep talking about this "wedding." Marriage, be it to military guy or not, isn't about one day of a wedding for your families to be around and have a big party. (all of which make me believe you are in your early 20s) A wedding or renewal of vows seem to be a big focus of your posts. Hardly a reason to enter into marriage.
While I agree your fiancé seems like he wants to take care of you, he can do that through an attorney and the pre-deployment paperwork.
Sounds like he wants control and to KNOW you're there waiting for him when/if he returns. And what about the next time he deploys? What if that deployment is even longer? You simply don't know each other very well and are seeing the romantic side of military life and marriage. Do a lot more homework.0 -
My thing is why are you asking MFP if you're sure you're going to be making the right decision?0
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And like I said, I could care less about the benefits. I have health insurance through work, and I can afford my expenses just fine. I don't need the benefits the military offers. I think I'll be talking to him tonight and going over a lot of the points that people have brought up. Thank you, everyone :flowerforyou:
If it were me, at this point, having read everything posted, I'd plan a wedding for after his return, have him save his pay while deployed for the wedding, and then have a beautiful wedding with all the family you like
Best of luck!!! 0 -
I don't know your specifics, so don't take this as passing judgment on you.
My (idiot) brother got married right before he was deployed the first time for the reason of "providing" for the woman (and mostly for her daughter, who wasn't his). They went on to have two more kids during the windows where he was back in the country. They'd only dated a couple of months prior to getting married. She spent most of their marriage sleeping around (since he was out of the country most of the time) with guys on base.
They're obviously divorced now, and the divorce was ugly.
Marriage always carries a risk. I would think that risk is multiplied when the people getting married don't know each other that well (or for that long). Add in the additional strain of deployment right out of the gate, and it's going to be tough.0 -
And like I said, I could care less about the benefits. I have health insurance through work, and I can afford my expenses just fine. I don't need the benefits the military offers. I think I'll be talking to him tonight and going over a lot of the points that people have brought up. Thank you, everyone :flowerforyou:
If it were me, at this point, having read everything posted, I'd plan a wedding for after his return, have him save his pay while deployed for the wedding, and then have a beautiful wedding with all the family you like Best of luck!!!
That's pretty much what he's gonna hear from me tonight :P
No need to rush. We have the rest of our lives
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I knew after 6 months that my then-boyfriend was the one for me.
I knew after 3, but then we split up....! The feeling at that point wasnt mutual! Seven years later we have just celebrated our 1st year of marriage!!0 -
I was a Marine for 20 years. Its a brutally difficult life. Just be prepared for it and understand the ramifications. It is ENORMOUSLY difficult coming back from deployment for both spouses and Marines/sailors/soldiers. My personal opinion, wait. If he comes back and you feel the same way, knock yourself out.0
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And like I said, I could care less about the benefits. I have health insurance through work, and I can afford my expenses just fine. I don't need the benefits the military offers. I think I'll be talking to him tonight and going over a lot of the points that people have brought up. Thank you, everyone :flowerforyou:
If it were me, at this point, having read everything posted, I'd plan a wedding for after his return, have him save his pay while deployed for the wedding, and then have a beautiful wedding with all the family you like Best of luck!!!
That's pretty much what he's gonna hear from me tonight :P
No need to rush. We have the rest of our lives
Good luck in your marriage, whenever it happens to be! :flowerforyou:
I think this is a good thing to remember in this situation:
(Also note the word "may," not trying to judge, just share advice)If you're ready for it, go for it. Why ask us for our opinions? Since you are asking, you may not be ready....0 -
Non military people don't understand the difference. The military has a higher divorce rate than is the national average. That being said ill share my story with you and that of a friend. We just got out of the army last year so I can feel where you're coming from.
Kody met his wife and married her her 3 months later. They seperated 3 months after marriage and than they both deployed when they got back they decided to try again and it just didn't work. That is a shortened story of the whole fiasco but they also didn't communicate and were very immature.
Now for me. Hubby and I got married 14 days after we met 3 yrs and 8 months ago but we also had a lot in common and were mature for our age. Marriage is marriage whether military or not, you haven to work for it.
My advice based on what I read about you is to go for it. Just 2 things never go to sleep angry with each other and always wake up with a kiss. Best of luck to you both!0 -
Long-distance in general is NOT an easy relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for 15 months now -- for the first 6 months I lived in Florida (he lives in Colorado)...now I live in Utah (he still lives in Colorado). We're able to talk daily for long periods of time (plus texts and emails throughout the day) and we see each other about every other week, and we've been known to take week-long vacations. He is my best friend and I know I'll marry him one day, but there's no rush to be married.
I understand that you really love him, but military long-distance is twice as difficult as living 800 miles from someone. You can't talk all the time, and you won't see him for however long he's deployed. It's not easy on a wife to be home while her husband is overseas.
It sounds like it's a rash decision though, and I would proceed with caution if I were you. You learn A LOT about a person the longer you've been together, and I'm not saying it can't work; but I am saying that first year brings a lot of "blind feelings" along -- meaning, you're more apt to ignore the things you don't really care for.
Only you know what's right for you. Although, coming on a forum and asking for advice probably means you haven't gotten the support you wanted/expected from your friends/family and you're hoping that the people on the forum will have your back and tell you that you should do it. But only you can make that decision. If you have doubt at all, then wait. It's really not a big deal to wait the 6 months while he's gone and then get married when he returns.0 -
To add to my previous post, I think it is a good idea to wait since his deployment will be so short. I was thinking that I had done long distance and had a long time away from my fiance, but hell, even I've done more than 6 months away from him! lol. To be honest, I would not ever go back and change the fact that we were 1200 miles apart for the first year. You really get to know someone in the time that they are not around. It doesn't make sense now, but it will eventually. I know marriage is exciting, but it is a big step, especially if you've not even lived together. I know you already know what you are going to do and I am not trying to convince you of anything, but I know you said you were just interested in what other people thought. I am the same way...I've already made up my mind, but if it's something kind of controversial I am always interested to hear other peoples' thought processes. 0
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I kinda felt like that's how other people would view it. Getting married for the benefits. But that's not it at all. I could care less if there were benefits or not. I was fine with staying in my apartment and just doing my thing. He said he just cares so deeply for me that he wants to take necessary precautions if anything were to happen to him while he's gone.
I'm not infatuated with him. I'm in love. We've both been in long term relationships and are mature enough to know the difference. But I don't know how to explain that to people. They always seem to try to make it seem like it's something it's not.
I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.
I don't dispute that you love him and you genuinely want to marry the guy. But like you just said there ^^^ you would have been happy just being in your apartment with things as they are. Don't get married for the practicalities. I genuinely mean that in the old fashioned soppy way of get married because you love each other and because the time is right, not because circumstances force you into it.
Do what makes you happy. Good luck x0 -
I wish there was a way to close this post now that I know my answer lol.
I don't want to gamble with my future.
Thanks again, everyone.
I'll tell him we can plan it for when he gets back. No need to rush.0 -
Ok... it sounds like you made a choice, and want us to just agree, and tell you that you are right.....possibly say it in a different voice.
Military life is hard...deployment changes you...SO are forced to change, become single parents, be alone, at the mercy of where the gov't sends them.... this will be an extreeme commitment! Dont make a rushed choice.... talk to a military couple (married at least 10years)
This! I was thinking the exact same thing. Your mind is already made up and you're looking for confirmation from us.
In my opinion, it is too soon. You are still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. You are on a high right now and totally in love... I get that, but it wears out over time. My parents rushed into the same situation. They are still married (but it has been super tough for them). They saw all the benefits (the housing, the extra pay, the medical... etc). Just be patient. Wait until he gets back. See where the relationship goes. Best of luck to you!0
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