Critical Husband

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  • libbybond
    libbybond Posts: 36
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    get a real dog - they always give you unconditional love
  • MaryJane_8810002
    MaryJane_8810002 Posts: 2,082 Member
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    Wanna drop two hundred pounds quick? Leave his unsupportive booty! He only cares about himself and how you make him look.
  • Toblave
    Toblave Posts: 244 Member
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    I can't imagine treating my wife like that and If I ever did, I'd hope she'd have the good sense to leave. That kind of behavior is inexcusable. It's a sure sign of a weak man and who isn't worth your time, effort, love or respect.
  • SteveStedge
    SteveStedge Posts: 37
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    I am sorry that you are not getting the support from your husband that you need. Was he always like this about your weight? Does he realize how much this hurts you? Does he have a weight problem? There are so many questions I could ask because it's hard to know where all this began between you two. Maybe you should sit down and talk with him about how you feel...express to him what you are expressing to us. I have been fortunate to have a boyfriend that is there for me but when I don't do so well he is still supportive and reminds me to take it day by day and that he loves me no matter what. I am there for you if you need a friend you can "friend me".
    Don't give up with your goal and let him know that it doesn't help when he says these things to you and that you could use his support.
    Also, sometimes it is good to vent to those who may know what you are going through. Take care and be strong!

    Reposting the best response so far.

    As to all those telling this poor woman she needs to kick her husband to the curb, shes being abused, etc that's nonsense. Stop bringing your own problems onto her.

    There is a reason you shouldnt badmouth your mate in public, because eventually you'll convince everyone what a bad person he/she is and everytime you see the person you badmouthed him to you need to keep pretending how awful he is.

    Sounds like he harbors a lot of resentment for your weight gain. Were you this size when he met you? If yes, he really has no right at all to complain.

    In his own way he may be trying to be helpful...but his help isnt working. If you gained weight and hes not attracted to you...would you rather he NOT tell you and just leave? Or cheat? At least he is being honest, as difficult as that may be to hear. Heck, maybe he's not that attractive to YOU anymore. It sounds like you just want him to shut up and pretend he's happy when obviously he is not.

    Whether his happiness is dependent on you...well that's a different issue altogether,

    Good luck, and stay healthy. Healthy people attract good in others.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    Hi.

    I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.

    The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?

    This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

    Thanks for listening.

    This is the plan. To erode your self-esteem. To make his opinion the only opinion that matters even above yours. And to either drive you crazy or make you look crazy to others. Then he can proceed to whatever next level of abuse he has planned. Once you have griped to everyone you know that you might be going crazy. So they won't believe you. Or be tired of hearing these "innocuous" complaints. Please find/research online about domestic violence and abuse. You are in the starting stages and he is priming the pump to make it worse. How much worse is yet to see. Don't wait to see. Because if it's the way superworse kind, you won't have time to get out. Leave now. Domestic violence shelters are full due to the bad economy but this form of verbal and psychological abuse does qualify as abuse and so at least you can start looking into them if you think you might need that kind of support. If not just make a plan and leave. The consistent nature of his verbalizing displeasure with you and his switching when you seeming rectify, should at the very least show you he is a miserable person who is determined to be miserable and make people around him so as well. At the most it should illuminate a pattern and determination to tear you down for whatever reason, and I can't imagine there being a good one. (FYI: if you ever have to call a hotline for domestic violence and are afraid for it to appear on your phone, you can always dial "0" for the operator or 411 for information and ask them for such a hotline to suss out your predicament with a professional in that field while you are assessing your situation. This way he will never see the number on your phone dialing records as you having called such a line. )

    You are right to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with you.

    So far he is practicing belittling, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, and isolation.
  • 4jamaica
    4jamaica Posts: 69 Member
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    OP--no one should tell you who should or should not be in your support system. Support is not something that you are guaranteed to get from your mother or best friend or something you cannot get from stranger. You're working through some difficult things and if you gain something from this post, then you've gotten support.

    In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with asking for the collective wisdom of MFP to weigh in on your situation. That is not so very different than having a jury to decide guilt or innocence.

    With the "evidence" we've been presented, most of us are concerned for you since you are extremely hurt by your husband's behavior. It doesn't matter if someone thinks you "shouldn't be" hurt or upset of if his Aunt Sally wouldn't be hurt by his comments, etc. *You,* his wife, are hurting. In my opinion, there is never a legitimate reason to purposefully continue to hurt someone. That's not motivation, it's sadism.

    I have told my husband many times that "It does not matter if a normal woman would not be sad/upset/angry at what you did/said/didn't do. You married me, not her." I wish you the best and hope you stop hurting.
  • sunfirelynn
    sunfirelynn Posts: 186 Member
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    My heart goes out to you im sorry you have a husband that treats you like s**t! I was in your shoes for 20 years except i was beat up for god knows what reasons. I guess when he drank to much. But he always would tell me I was fat and so on. He ended up passing away from drinking to much, Now 6 years later I have a boyfriend of 3 years and he always tells me im beautiful just how I am. So I just want you to no you deserve better and should be very proud of your self for losing 50 pounds. I hope things get better for you, and good luck
  • Junkergal
    Junkergal Posts: 15 Member
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    Does working in an ER and being trained as a mandatory reprter count? Trained to see abuse from children to the elderly. Key words and phrases raise red flags- 'actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular' is but one.

    Where ever she can find support is where she needs support. Sometimes it is much easier to ask someone who does not know either of you (so you aren't venting to mutual friends and NOT running him down to them).

    Abuse comes from both genders and I would give the same advise to both.
  • Kifissia
    Kifissia Posts: 136
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    Nowhere do you mention how you feel and what you have accomplished. Losing 46-49 pounds in a year is excellent. Losing 46-49 in that environment is a miracle. Your strength in character to withstand that emotional pressure, to 'prove' yourself everyday and to tolerate that behavior is amazing. Imagine what you can do in a positive, kind environment where your accomplishments are celebrated!
  • yanniejannie
    yanniejannie Posts: 1,090 Member
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    Sweetie............what it boils down to at this point is...........are you better off with him or w/o him????? I'd say address it one more time.........maybe quietly but in a public place where he can't get too loud or abusive..........and........if he continues, well, there's your answer..........your relationship is littered with red flags of abuse from what you've written and these men don't have very good track records with change---they may talk a good story, but rarely follow through........Best of luck in that new life I think you are going to choose.
  • labeachgirl
    labeachgirl Posts: 158 Member
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    Has his hairline receded in the last 6 years? If so, get him some Rogaine and tell him when it starts to work, he can talk to you about your weight again.
  • calequestrian
    calequestrian Posts: 39 Member
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    Im sorry, is he some kind of Adonis? You deserve so much better than this. Many times the insecurities of others rears its ugly head. Tell him to bugger off you don't need him chipping away at you like this.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    So would it be better if he WAS extremely attractive and fit? :huh:
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    He'll never change can you see yourself putting up with this 30years from now?
  • Symphony6
    Symphony6 Posts: 116 Member
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    Plain and simple abuse. No one can respond positively to being constantly berated, nor can one live as an adult and feel as though they must report to someone on their progress every second of the day.

    You need to explain how this is affecting you and don't let him try to cop out by saying he just cares about you or is just concerned. His "concern" reeks of self-concern and that is all. Stick to your guns and make him stop, because if you continue to deal with such behaviour, it will only whittle away your self-esteem. You may not see it now or next week or next month, but I guarantee there will come a time where you will feel "not good enough" and be able to look back and attribute it to his treatment of you.
  • Smirfettewithmuscles
    Smirfettewithmuscles Posts: 44
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    So would it be better if he WAS extremely attractive and fit? :huh:

    Apparently, some people here might think that extremely attractive SO's are allowed to be "abusive".
  • mytime1986
    mytime1986 Posts: 117
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    Hi.

    I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.

    The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?

    This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

    Thanks for listening.


    Hun.. I am going to be dead honest with you.. My EX husband became like that after a year of marriage I stuck it out. I went from one crash diet to another, and I hired a personal triainer. Then I found out he was cheating on me for 5 out of our 7 years of marriage. I hope this is not what is happening to you I was devistated. I gained everything I lost about 30 pounds and then added another 5. I wish you all the luck if you need to vent you can message me..
  • Annette_rose
    Annette_rose Posts: 427 Member
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    Too bad you can't show him this post and thread!!! I was married to someone like that for 16 years, together 19. We had 3 children together and I listened to him berate me for years, telling me no one else would ever want me, that I was fat and he didn't know why I even bothered fixing my face and hair, etc. I finally got up the nerve to leave back in 2001. I see he is now sucking the life out of the 2nd wife of 9 years. She used to fix herself up and seem to take pride in her appearance. Now, she is more like a mouse who is scared. It's not so much any kind of physical abuse, but the verbal was horrible. I ate more out of depression and discouragement. He had an affair when I was pregnant with our 3rd child and told me it was because I was fat. Not long after having her and finding out about his affair, I became bulimic and threw up multiple times a day, worked out constantly, went on Xenical (which was then an Rx for binding the fat in your system) and lost a bunch of weight. It was never enough. I now hear my kids say things like "I don't think I can ever do anything right where dad is concerned" and comments like that and so I see he makes them feel the same way. They are now 17, 18, and 24. Each of them can see why I had to leave their dad and understands. He belittles the girls now as far as their physical bodies go also. Thank goodness, they have gotten where they tell their dad how they feel about his hurtful words. Does it stop him? No.....but none of us have to live with him anymore, thank goodness. I am so sorry you are going through this!!! You are doing great and you keep doing what you are doing for YOU and only YOU!!! My family kept telling me I would finally get to the point where I had enough and I finally did. Hugs to you and you have a lot of support here from all the posts I read above mine!!!
  • HSokol
    HSokol Posts: 67 Member
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    I'm so sorry that this is something you are going through. Obviously you have told him how his words (which frankly he is being just plain mean to his WIFE) hurt you and he jsut doesnt care which is frankly verbal and emotional abuse. By him berating you and then trying to have you withold information from those that are closest to he is using your emotions against you. It also seems to me like he himself is being ignorant about what you are going through. Weight loss on it's own is a process and you need to be supported in it. Having weight loss surgery is a entire LIFESTYLE CHANGE and it takes TIME. This is not just a simple thing where you can get instant gratification which seems like (based on what i've read and my interpretation of it) that he is expecting. People who have this surgery go through several stages in order to see the results they want and to lose the weight successfully. I wish you luck in your journey of weight loss/ health and i hope that you find the strength within yourself to continue on your journey and to stand up for yourself.
  • nmeeks81
    nmeeks81 Posts: 9
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    HI my husband was about 450lbs . he would ask me if he weight bother me . i told him that i married him because i love him not for how much he did or didnt weight. but i did said that we married for sickness and health but that is later not now ..and if i try dieting and working out since we being to together that he could try to. as long as we try to be healthly together ill never stop beening attracted to you.i am almost 200lbs . if your really trying hard and beening truthful to your self this man you call husband should never be able to tear you down. i know that alot of these comment seem neg about him ... but a real man who love someone would NEVER EVER say that he is not attracted too. your still the same person in side beautiful inside and outside.he should be right there with you every step of the way. and yes sometimes my husbund says neg thinks to me but never that i am unattractive... the weight you lost with or without the surgery is still vaild , it still means something. it you whos doing the work ! dont let him get in your head. to be honest i think hes afraid that youll reach your goals and leave him, so he trying to pull you down to his level.

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