"You're really pretty, but...

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  • jennifershoo
    jennifershoo Posts: 3,198 Member
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    People who are offended by comments like "you're prettier now" or "you're pretty but you'll be prettier if you go to the gym" needs to get over themselves. Your love ones/friends are trying to be nice, but apparently they can never win.
    They offend you if they say that.
    They offend you if they don't say anything (boohoo, why does anybody care about my weight loss?)
    They offend you if they say "you'll be prettier if you lose a few pounds" (boohoo, why does he wants me to lose weight? He thinks I'm fat and not pretty enough?)
    They offend you if they say "you're pretty like you are, don't change" (and then, the same people starts thread on MFP saying "my boyfriend isn't supportive! He doesn't want me to lose weight. Boohoo! ")
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,141 Member
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    I hate it when people are like "you lost so much weight, you look great!!" I know they mean well but they didn't tell me I looked great before I lost the weight... F off.

    You would have preferred people to lie to you instead and tell you you looked great if they thought you didn't?
  • kristinadalba
    kristinadalba Posts: 21
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    Omg my Grandmother told me a few months ago "you have such a beautiful face and I want the rest of you to look the same".Well I feel it defeats the compliment entirely and unless asked for the honest truth or a doctor...I wouldn't speak of someone else's appearance.
  • SoLongAndThanksForAllTheFish
    SoLongAndThanksForAllTheFish Posts: 831 Member
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    But why does thinner have to equate to prettier?

    Because their opinion is that not as much fat is prettier, and somewhere inside yourself you also probably think so, and it makes you feel bad. You are recognizing you need to lose weight after all, you are here :)

    Whether or not someone should give you their opinion is a different issue, but I think most of the time, idiots or not, they are trying to compliment and say something positive. In fact family mostly thinks they are "helping" in some way, as if you didnt already know you were overweight. Stupid, but I find it helps to realize where they are coming from.

    I do know how it feels too, I was told the male version by relatives growing up: "you are really handsome, if you just lost some weight all the girls would be after you" But how it feels in the end is how you let it affect you.

    Really, think of the alternative: nobody is ever allowed to comment on anyone unless its "you are the most attractive in the world"? I'd rather have real compliments with partial bonehead ones than false comments. And if weight didnt matter to the person and you were "more pretty" now, half the girls would turn it around and say "you like me fat?!?!" You cant win with compliments as a complimentor, but you can take the compliment in a way that "wins" for you ;)
  • Freefatty
    Freefatty Posts: 9
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    It doesn't bother me, it's useless to live my life concerned with what others think of my looks

    Good for you! You're right, it is useless; but most of us still feel a pang when the message "You're not acceptable the way you are" is glaring us in the face.
  • Freefatty
    Freefatty Posts: 9
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    I am annoyed with "You have such a pretty face," and comments like it, but I hope I won't be annoyed if people tell me I look great after losing weight. My main reason for wanting to lose weight is health, but looking better will be nice as well!

    This is a good topic... I'm glad you brought it up. :smile:
  • Freefatty
    Freefatty Posts: 9
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    Okay, just one more comment from me...

    My sister-in-law (husband's sister) told him he better watch out because once I lost the weight I would probably find someone better. That was insulting on SO MANY levels!! I know she was trying to be funny and even encouraging to me, but that one got to me. What a silly thing for her to say!

    By the way, I couldn't have a better husband. There was no settling for what I could get because of my weight! :heart:
  • Slim_Donna
    Slim_Donna Posts: 44 Member
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    People who are offended by comments like "you're prettier now" or "you're pretty but you'll be prettier if you go to the gym" needs to get over themselves. Your love ones/friends are trying to be nice, but apparently they can never win.
    They offend you if they say that.
    They offend you if they don't say anything (boohoo, why does anybody care about my weight loss?)
    They offend you if they say "you'll be prettier if you lose a few pounds" (boohoo, why does he wants me to lose weight? He thinks I'm fat and not pretty enough?)
    They offend you if they say "you're pretty like you are, don't change" (and then, the same people starts thread on MFP saying "my boyfriend isn't supportive! He doesn't want me to lose weight. Boohoo! ")

    Agreed.

    Still 'you're really pretty' is a compliment isn't it?
  • garber6th
    garber6th Posts: 1,894 Member
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    I was saying in another post how my neighbor told me "You were pretty before you lost some weight, but now you really are pretty". I am sure he didn't mean to be an a$$hat, but I didn't know whether to say thank you or F you.

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    So would you rather your neighbor to say "You were ugly before and now you're pretty"?
    Or not say anything at all? And then, you'll comment on how people never acknowledge your weight loss or just don't care.

    I would rather not have a backhanded compliment that equates my level of beauty with my weight, but unfortunately that's how people are conditioned to think - that thinner is prettier. In my opinion that is really narrow minded thinking. Whether or not someone acknowledges my weight loss has no impact on my success. My success is based on me, not them.

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  • 2kidsandatrip
    2kidsandatrip Posts: 98 Member
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    I feel that everyone is attracted to different ranges of people. We all have our own attractions, I don't think it's rude for someone to tell you that. For me I would rather someone be truthful with me than for people to try to sugar coat it like people have my entire life. I probably wouldn't have gotten to the point I'm at if people would have just been honest with me.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    personally, it sucks. its not a nice thing to hear but it certainly is motivation. Eg. a guy I've had a crush on forever told one of my friends that about me...it sucked...and it motivated me to lose weight but not to please anyone to get to the best me possible. would I ever give him the time of day after knowing what he said? hell no!
    a guy should like you at any size u are. they can encourage u and support u to lose weight and all but I don't think anyone should use that as an excuse not to date someone.
  • lvjaness
    lvjaness Posts: 2
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    I heard that more when I was younger. I think that when I was young it was other peoples way of trying to encourage me to lose weight without straight out telling me that I was fat. Of course it always ticked me off to get that backhanded compliment but I knew what they meant.

    As I've gotten older, most people wouldn't dare say that to me since I now come across as a very in-charge, got-it-together, I-don't-need-your-opinion, kind of person. Now I get comments like I love the way you dress, where did you get those shoes, You always dress so nice, and I love your style. :-)
  • russbittles
    russbittles Posts: 78
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    a guy should like you at any size u are.

    Why?

    As an individual, I believe I should be allowed to find a person who has those qualities I find attractive. If there is something about you that I don't like, I have every right not to like it. If you aren't happy with my lack of attraction to you, then move on to someone else. It doesn't make me a bad person, just because I want to be with someone that I find to be attractive. If your appearance bothers me so much, I will move on to someone else.

    I'm not judging your worth as a person, I'm being a discerning human being. I'm pursuing my highest ideal, and if you don't fit that ideal, that is not your problem, it's mine.

    Your problem is a problem of choices. Do you a) find a man who will accept you as you are, or b) change yourself to find the man you want to be with. Again, this isn't about worth, it's about attraction. I'm here, making my changes, because I want to be attractive to members of the opposite sex.

    As garber6th keeps pointing out, pretty =/= worth. I counter that with pretty = attraction.

    On a fundamental level, we are animals, and animals want to procreate, and we want to do so with someone who will give us the children we are looking for, and be able to provide for them. The animal world uses "pretty" as viability in procreation. Yes, we are more advanced, but we are still animals. Don't believe me, check out the Friday Eye Candy thread on this site.

    So the next time someone gives you a backhanded compliment, think of it as them trying to get you laid. They really do have your best interest at heart, and are not judging your worth as a person.
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
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    Never happened to me, ever, but I'd like to think it wouldn't bother me. Dad used to say that if you listened to a *kitten* braying you'd go deaf without learning anything useful.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,026 Member
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    I realize this is an unpopular opinion, but I think most of you here are twisting what was meant to be a compliment (and possibly motivation) into an insult because of your own insecurities. "You are pretty now, but once you lose a few pounds you will be smokin'!!" is a good thing in my eyes. Much better than "You are pretty now, so do not bother losing weight because it will not improve you in the least." is a slap in the face.

    It is your unhappiness with yourself that is making you take it in a negative light, because you believe in your heart that it is true.

    Totally disagree. It's the lack of tact and forethought in this type of completely backhanded "compliment" that is disconcerting, and it's the fact, like I stated earlier in this thread, that people feel the need to quantify beauty by measuring it against weight/weight loss. I think this could contribute to insecurity rather than motivate because again, it is someone saying your beauty, hence your worthiness, is based on your weight. People who make this type of comment don't get how it comes across, which is why, when I hear this type of comment, I have to consider the source and let it roll off my back. If you were able to put yourself in the shoes of a woman who has been hearing this type of comment her whole life, you might see it differently.

    Hah! You think that I haven't heard this sort of thing MY whole life? Girls saying that I would look better if I dropped a few times? Girls don't have a monopoly on that, sorry to inform you.

    Except I, unlike many of you, take it at least as a compliment. I would much rather be seen as having the potential to look more attractive.

    However, if you ever post Before/After pictures regarding your weightloss, I will try to remember to say "You look the same!" :wink:
  • Isakizza
    Isakizza Posts: 754 Member
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    I actually agreed with them, LOL


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  • spaghetti93
    spaghetti93 Posts: 140 Member
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    just tell them they are a great person but could stand to not be a total a-hole and sashay away

    .....
    a family member told me i "look so much better" and i paranoidly translated this to "you used to look terrible/gross/bad/fat/ugly"

    my doctor told me i was "looking healthier". That didn't bother me at all but I realize now that both people probably had the same intentions with what they were saying. Doctors just know how to word things a little better haha.... I know this isn't quite the same, but sometimes people don't think you actually look bad, they just seem to want to make you feel better by telling you that you could be better without realizing that this is actually a pretty hurtful comment.
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
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    People who are offended by comments like "you're prettier now" or "you're pretty but you'll be prettier if you go to the gym" needs to get over themselves. Your love ones/friends are trying to be nice, but apparently they can never win.
    They offend you if they say that.
    They offend you if they don't say anything (boohoo, why does anybody care about my weight loss?)
    They offend you if they say "you'll be prettier if you lose a few pounds" (boohoo, why does he wants me to lose weight? He thinks I'm fat and not pretty enough?)
    They offend you if they say "you're pretty like you are, don't change" (and then, the same people starts thread on MFP saying "my boyfriend isn't supportive! He doesn't want me to lose weight. Boohoo! ")



    This. All of this, with nuts and a cherry on top.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,026 Member
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    Also, it is not a backhanded compliment. A backhanded compliment is intended to insult.

    "At least you're pretty!" is a backhanded compliment.
  • Bownzi
    Bownzi Posts: 423 Member
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    Hmmmm.. I would not think about doing that

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