I Want to Stay Fat

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Replies

  • salladeve
    salladeve Posts: 1,053 Member
    I've said this before on other threads, but for me I realized (after several years of therapy) that my terrible childhood, and abuse at the hands of a trusted male relative, contributed to me wanting to "hide" behind the fat. I don't blame it all on that, but it was a revelation to realize that I really felt more comfortable when I was not receiving male attention, which I didn't when I was heavy. The only attention that I have ever felt comfortable with is from my husband, and he has loved me through any weight heavy and thin. Now being older and wiser, I am ready to take on all my feelings, and face the world at a healthy weight. Truthfully being 61 helps too, just because there will not be much (outside) male attention even if I lose weight.

    So for me after all these years I really don't want to stay fat anymore!
  • StheK
    StheK Posts: 443 Member
    Being fat has some benefits (warped though they are) for people. Hard to admit. It's almost taboo to admit.

    For me it was partly LOVING food, but it was also severe chronic depression. On top of all that (as if that weren't enough), I have issues with being noticed by men. Being fat makes me invisible to most men, and that's just the way I like it. You could set your clock by my weight gain in my younger years- a relationship would end and I would start packing on the pounds, as a buffer between myself and any kind of potential relationship. As I've gotten older, though, I have finally started to internalize the fact that I don't have to self-sabotage to not have a relationship- I can just admit to myself that I don't want one, and then not have one. It sounds so simple, but it wasn't easy to get there.
  • If you're fat:
    1. Female friends won't be jealous of you.
    2. Men won't make unwanted advances toward you.
    3. Your boss won't see you as a threat, and therefore won't be mean to you or try to sabotage you.
    4. You won't disappoint people if you get fat, because you're already fat.
    5. You'll find out who your real friends are. if they stick with you despite your fatness, they truly like you for who you are.
    6. You'll find out if your husband really loves you for who you are or for what you look like.
    7. You can skip all the stares, catwhistles and flirtatious gestures you might receive if you were good looking.
    8. You can feel satisfied you are not conforming to an unfair and compassionate-less society.
    9. You will be less likely to be abducted, raped, etc. You will be too heavy to be forced into a car or physically moved.


    This is insane. You are clearly deranged. These things have very little to do with weight in all cases. Also, in case you weren't aware, the average size of women who are abducted by serial killers is 14 .. not exactly "thin" ...


    You're justifying your lack of dedication and desire to reach your health goals.
  • Sandytoes71
    Sandytoes71 Posts: 463 Member
    What happens when I lose this weight? People might notice me. I might want more out of life, and I might get it. That scares the hell out of me. It's the same reason I don't dress up, I don't do my make-up. That monster inside of me helps me to sabotage myself.

    I thought I was the only one who ever felt that way! Two years ago I lost 85 lbs...so close to my goal of losing 100 lbs that it scared me and I gave up. I put all the weight back on so I could use my weight as an excuse for why I don't have the things I want--a husband, a family, a better job.

    I too, suffer from social anxiety and depression, but I'm on medication and trying to improve my mental health. I started eating clean and working out again, and this time I'm not scared to get what I want. I can envision myself as a fit, healthy person--with or without a husband, family, or better job!

    Being fat gives you an excuse to which you blame all your failures. I have decided that I need to take ownership of my life, including my failures and SUCCESSES!


    Wow thats powerful insight
  • StheK
    StheK Posts: 443 Member
    I'm really surprised at how many people here seem to think it's just "laziness" or not knowing HOW to lose the weight. I know that both of those apply in some cases, but there's so much more to it for a lot of people. I'm not lazy in any other area of my life. I know that my weight is not about being lazy either. And I've known how to lose the weight since I was in my teens. But for most of my life, all the reasons I had for being fat outweighed the reasons for losing it. That doesn't mean they were good reasons, but they were reasons that made sense to my damaged psyche, and I will probably always struggle against them.
  • Riannea20
    Riannea20 Posts: 4
    Fear. Fear that you'll try and you'll fail. Fear that you'll succeed and it won't be everything you imagined. Fear that you'll lose the weight and it won't solve all of the problems you had hoped it will. Fear that you're not good enough, not attractive enough, not deserving enough. And it's far easier to give in to the fear and hide behind that protective layer of fat than to confront the fear.

    I'm destined to be fat, so it's not my fault if I can't lose the weight. Only a lucky few are skinny, and I'm not one of them - it's not my fault: it's genetics, it's society, it's my family, my spouse, my job. Excuses are easy and comforting. Admitting that your weight is something you have done to yourself is hard. I took the easy way out for years. I let the fat define me; it controlled what I ate, what I did, what I wore, where I went (and more importantly, where I didn't).

    You don't want to stay fat, you're afraid of what might happen if you try to not be. You know it's not healthy, but those health problems are in the future. They're someone else's problem, not yours, here and now. It's easier to push those problems down the road, leave them for future you to handle. But here's the problem: once those health problems do arise, once you can't hide anymore, future you is going to be awfully pissed at present you for not handling this now. You'll sit in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines, getting blood tests for the hundredth time to figure out what's wrong this time, and you'll wonder why you didn't take those simple steps when you had the chance. Was not having to worry about whether someone was jealous of you, of worrying that someone might find you attractive, that someone might say something inappropriate to you really worth the pain of all of the health problems associated with obesity? Do you really believe that overweight women never get assaulted? Do you really believe that simply being fat makes you not a threat to your boss (who may be overweight themselves)? Is testing your r spouse really worth the years you're not going to get to spend together?

    I'm done being afraid. If I stumble, if I fall, if I fail, I will do so knowing that I fell in the pursuit of a better, healthier, happier me. And then, I'll pick myself up and I'll keep moving toward that goal. Food is not my enemy, fat is not even my enemy. Fear is. And I will face that fear, and I will conquer it. I recommend that you do the same.

    Woow, I've never seen all my doubts and thoughts about my weight worded like this. But when I think about it, a lot of what you say rings true. I do blame everybody and everything for my weigth and for years I have tried ignoring what being obese could mean for my health. And I truly am afraid to lose the weight, because in many ways being obese is who I am. I've never been anything else but 'the fat girl'. But I'm really tired of being that girl. Tired of being afraid and of giving up. So what I just wanted to say is that your words are inspiring and I actually made your post my background for the moment, which I know will come, when I lose hope and want to give up. You've really inspired me and I wish you all the luck in te world with reaching your goal and conquering your fear.
  • garber6th
    garber6th Posts: 1,894 Member
    I'm really surprised at how many people here seem to think it's just "laziness" or not knowing HOW to lose the weight. I know that both of those apply in some cases, but there's so much more to it for a lot of people. I'm not lazy in any other area of my life. I know that my weight is not about being lazy either. And I've known how to lose the weight since I was in my teens. But for most of my life, all the reasons I had for being fat outweighed the reasons for losing it. That doesn't mean they were good reasons, but they were reasons that made sense to my damaged psyche, and I will probably always struggle against them.

    Agreed. Even if it is just laziness, what's behind that laziness? It takes the same amount of energy to make a healthy choice as it does to make a less healthy choice, just like it takes the same energy to buy a bag of fruit as it does to buy a bag of chips. What's in our brains that keeps us from making choices that are good for us? I stand by my viewpoint that in cases of obesity and morbid obesity, it runs deeper than the surface and deeper than plain laziness.
  • TheMerryBoffin
    TheMerryBoffin Posts: 15 Member
    Reading this thread, I have been really taken aback by the hostile reactions and obvious ignorance to the correlation between psychological trauma (particularly in rape/assault cases) and weight gain. Referring to the OP as "insane" and "deranged" for (knowingly or not) paraphrasing a well-documented psychological phenomena comes across as dismissive and disrespectful - not just to the OP, but also to survivors of assault/rape/abuse in general.

    I think part of the problem is taking the OP's list of reasons too literally. Nobody is saying it makes any sense. Anxiety isn't based in logic. You can't tell someone with OCD that obsessively counting or checking things doesn't make any logical sense, and expect them to respond with, "Hey, you're right. I hadn't realized until you pointed it out. Those behaviors have no power over me, now that I realize how illogical they are." It just doesn't work like that. There is a very distinct difference between BEING safe vs FEELING safe.

    On the other hand, trauma should not be used as an excuse for not moving forward and trying to overcome your personal obstacles. This is not what I read in the OP. My interpretation was that she had identified a way of thinking that was hindering her in her weight loss. Identifying areas where we need to change ourselves and our lifestyles is what this is all about. Most frequently, we focus on tweaking our nutrition and exercise routines, but often there are more abstract things that need to change as well. This does not make them any less important.
  • jody664
    jody664 Posts: 397
    And BTW who wouldn't want a man hittin on you and catcalling atchu cause you look good?
    i know i wouldn't be complaining.
    Me!

    I'm probably in the minority, but that was my PRIMARY reason for staying fat. I don't want the catcalls and men hitting on me. Scares the *kitten* out of me. (See my story above for why.)

    I get what you are saying......most women would feel awesome getting hit on and getting catcalls. But not all of us. Some of us have suffered trauma so deep that that kind of attention would send us over the edge. I know for me it does.
  • jody664
    jody664 Posts: 397
    Reading this thread, I have been really taken aback by the hostile reactions and obvious ignorance to the correlation between psychological trauma (particularly in rape/assault cases) and weight gain. Referring to the OP as "insane" and "deranged" for (knowingly or not) paraphrasing a well-documented psychological phenomena comes across as dismissive and disrespectful - not just to the OP, but also to survivors of assault/rape/abuse in general.

    I think part of the problem is taking the OP's list of reasons too literally. Nobody is saying it makes any sense. Anxiety isn't based in logic. You can't tell someone with OCD that obsessively counting or checking things doesn't make any logical sense, and expect them to respond with, "Hey, you're right. I hadn't realized until you pointed it out. Those behaviors have no power over me, now that I realize how illogical they are." It just doesn't work like that. There is a very distinct difference between BEING safe vs FEELING safe.

    On the other hand, trauma should not be used as an excuse for not moving forward and trying to overcome your personal obstacles. This is not what I read in the OP. My interpretation was that she had identified a way of thinking that was hindering her in her weight loss. Identifying areas where we need to change ourselves and our lifestyles is what this is all about. Most frequently, we focus on tweaking our nutrition and exercise routines, but often there are more abstract things that need to change as well. This does not make them any less important.
    Very well said! Thank you! :drinker:
  • Oh, thank you so much for that. I really needed that. You are brilliant!
  • Sarah ~ You just described me. I totally know where you're coming from. For myself, I think I'm doing the same thing but just to avoid romantic relationships because the ones I've had were all so bad. It's worked really well. I was a body builder, know how to diet and lose weight but since I've put on the weight, just like you, I can't seem to get past day one. I think this time is differant because it's about me and feeling good. I also think I have grown to know see the red flags and trust that I wouldn't put up with someone who didn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Good luck to you! Gretchen
  • Mokey41
    Mokey41 Posts: 5,769 Member


    I have been fat for a long time in my life, and every time I go to the doc, they always say I am healthy, not one suggests I should lose weight.


    You're only 26, the health issues of being overweight haven't caught up with you yet. Remain fat and your story will change. My hubby is obese and always used the same reasoning. Our doctor still doesn't tell him to lose weight, just treats all his issues. At 57 he has high BP, is pre diabetic, has trouble breathing and has to use a CPAP to sleep, wears a knee brace because his joints can't support him anymore and is just generally not healthy.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 46,533 Member
    Some people I could see wanting to stay fat.

    1. No effort to do it.
    2. No diet to follow
    3. No stress on thinking about what to eat
    4. No worrying about buying cute clothes
    5. Low expectations from them

    Those are just a few more. Some were already mentioned.

    Doesn't mean that person is bad/good/indifferent. All it means is that it's the lifestyle they prefer.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • MsPudding
    MsPudding Posts: 562 Member
    Reading this thread, I have been really taken aback by the hostile reactions and obvious ignorance to the correlation between psychological trauma (particularly in rape/assault cases) and weight gain. Referring to the OP as "insane" and "deranged" for (knowingly or not) paraphrasing a well-documented psychological phenomena comes across as dismissive and disrespectful - not just to the OP, but also to survivors of assault/rape/abuse in general.

    100% agree. There's a shocking lack of empathy and understanding about some of the psychological drivers that could lead people to consciously or subconsciously conclude "I'm better off fat."
  • Magdaloonie
    Magdaloonie Posts: 146 Member
    I wasn't overweight as a child. I wasn't overweight as a teenager. I played sports. I was on the dance team. I liked to dress up. Around seventeen, I began suffering from severe depression and social anxiety. I'm not sure what triggered it, or if it was always latent inside of me. That was when I started putting on weight, and have been heavy and -heavier- ever since. Over the last ten years I've struggled with body issues and self-esteem on top of these mental and emotional problems.

    Over that time, I have made some attempts to lose weight, which were successful until I just, stopped. These last few months I've been digging really deep, and I've realized that while most of my weight gain is credited to emotional eating... that in some twisted way, the thought of losing that weight scares me. I've hidden behind my low self-esteem and weight for a long time. What happens when I lose this weight? People might notice me. I might want more out of life, and I might get it. That scares the hell out of me. It's the same reason I don't dress up, I don't do my make-up. That monster inside of me helps me to sabotage myself. It seems crazy, but so do a lot of the things I think.

    I don't want to be this way. This isn't who I really am. I wouldn't call this extra weight a 'benefit', but a tool in my attempt to hide from the world. And those are the issues I'm dealing with this time around as I commit to healthy changes in my life, and losing this weight.

    I get this. I was painfully, pathologically shy all my childhood and youth due to undiagnosed chemical depression. I also have very thick hair. I would were it long and over my face to hide behind it. When I learned how to handle the depression, I cut it all off.
  • StheK
    StheK Posts: 443 Member
    And BTW who wouldn't want a man hittin on you and catcalling atchu cause you look good?
    i know i wouldn't be complaining.
    Me!

    I'm probably in the minority, but that was my PRIMARY reason for staying fat. I don't want the catcalls and men hitting on me.

    I don't know if you ARE in the minority. I don't like being hit on and men catcalling me either. I haven't been through your trauma, and I still hate it. I don't like that this is the way men see me- as someone they either want to have sex with or not. It makes me extremely uncomfortable and angry. I don't really care if they want to have sex with me or not, and I resent that they feel the need to tell me either way. Being fat takes all of that out of the equation, for the most part. Although there are still some guys who hit on me, there are far fewer than when I was skinny- and now I know that my male friends are actually my friends, not just trying to get in my pants and disappointed when they find themselves in the "friend zone" (I hate, hate, hate that phrase- as if it's some kind of a disappointment to be my friend).
  • jinna86
    jinna86 Posts: 93
    And BTW who wouldn't want a man hittin on you and catcalling atchu cause you look good?
    i know i wouldn't be complaining.
    Me!

    I'm probably in the minority, but that was my PRIMARY reason for staying fat. I don't want the catcalls and men hitting on me.

    I don't know if you ARE in the minority. I don't like being hit on and men catcalling me either. I haven't been through your trauma, and I still hate it. I don't like that this is the way men see me- as someone they either want to have sex with or not. It makes me extremely uncomfortable and angry. I don't really care if they want to have sex with me or not, and I resent that they feel the need to tell me either way. Being fat takes all of that out of the equation, for the most part. Although there are still some guys who hit on me, there are far fewer than when I was skinny- and now I know that my male friends are actually my friends, not just trying to get in my pants and disappointed when they find themselves in the "friend zone" (I hate, hate, hate that phrase- as if it's some kind of a disappointment to be my friend).

    I'm another person who also hasn't been through trauma, but I hate the idea of being hit on and catcalled. The idea makes me uncomfortable and angry as well. That's why, instead of wanting to be skinny, I'd rather be strong and fit. At least that makes me feel like I might be able to take care of myself and protect myself (though whether that's true or not in a real life situation, I don't know)
  • StheK
    StheK Posts: 443 Member
    I'm another person who also hasn't been through trauma, but I hate the idea of being hit on and catcalled. The idea makes me uncomfortable and angry as well. That's why, instead of wanting to be skinny, I'd rather be strong and fit. At least that makes me feel like I might be able to take care of myself and protect myself (though whether that's true or not in a real life situation, I don't know)

    I love that! Strong and fit are great things to aim for. They imply that you are taking care of yourself for YOU, not for what others may think of you.
  • Sunitagt
    Sunitagt Posts: 486 Member
    i think most of my problem was just ignorance about good health habits and unconscious eating (not attending to portions, nutrional content, etc - just eating what i felt like eating). i'm really glad things like mfp exist, and that it's more possible now than before to get good information.

    This is a big one for me. I was always overweight when I was young. I think it had two reasons, and the first one was no real education about it. At home, my mom cooked, but also bought a lot of junk food. We learned to eat in front of the TV, pizza once a week, McDonald's after school etc.

    But the second part of it I believe was a fear that I was never good enough to be one of the thin people. My mom was horrible to me about my weight. She threatened with things like wiring my jaw shut, chaining up the fridge.. She was embarressed of my weight (despite the fact that she was not thin, so maybe she was embarressed of herself because she used to be thin, and used to be a model). So she made me feel terrible about myself. So I hid in my over-sized sweatshirts for all of my childhood.

    So I made other things my priority. I always got excellent grades, I excel at work, I had/have wonderful friends and a great husband, who loves me as I am, but is supporting me in losing weight because he knows its important to me. I lost for a little while until I took on 2 jobs, then I just didn't have time to cook and pay attention. I didn't realize how important it was to make this my priority, and that I can't lose weight if I don't. I know it now. I will get to my goal, and I will do it by focusing.