Relationships and Age (May be Offensive To Some)
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No we dont settle....which explains why Im 30 and still single. I refuse to ever let myself be dragged into a sh*tty relationship ever again.
No matter what age, you deserve the best and its out there somewhere
Totally agree with you, I am the same way!! Been there once, better off by myself than miserable just to be "In a realtionship"0 -
In my late teens/early 20's, I would only date guys with "cool points;" artists, musicians, writers, etc. although the higher net worth banking and City boys were interested in me.
As I entered my 30's, I realized how sadly "cool points" turned into "loser points" in later life except for a very lucky few - oh, so you're a musician? And where do you wait tables? - but the bankers and City boys were much less interested in me.
As I entered my later 30's and had my own assets, income stability, etc. and the younger guys (toy boys) started looking good . . . cougar mindset . . . how embarrassing.
Now that I'm 44, have two young children, and am with a conservative, somewhat old fashioned, hardworking, entrepreneurial sort of guy who rarely drinks, let alone "parties." He's not "with the band," he isn't "working on his next gallery opening," he's not "considering characters" for his next book or film, etc. so would have been dismissed as "boring and mainstream," with almost no cool points at all by a younger me - but he's a great partner, a laugh a minute, a fantastic father, a good provider and a lot of clean, family fun.
I didn't settle. I changed.0 -
This, and WOW! someone will never have a healthy relationship until they lose this attitude! Your life partner is just that. He/ She is your equal, and you stand by one another. Seriously way off!!!
Nope I dont think there is equality in relationships someone will always make more, provide more financially, provide more emotionally, provide more sexually, or vice versa. I accept that I'm more educated and will always be the bread winner. Not that I wouldnt love being a stay at home wife, but thats not what I chose with my current partner. He will never equal me in many respects just like I wont equal him.
When I first read this I wanted so badly to attack your way of thinking. However once i really thought about what you were saying and how, im assuming, you meant it I agree.
A relationship isnt about equality it is about a partnership each individual brings something the other does not have. It is the combination of both strengths and weaknesses that make a successful partnership and therefore a successful relationship...in my opinion.
Not only that. There is an ebb and flow to most successful marriages of people that I know. Not just who does the house work from day-to-day. But stuff like I was the lead parent when my wife worked on her Masters, and She was the lead parent when I did a lot of business travel, or when or if I decide to go back to school. It takes some long term planning for stuff like that. Equality in a relationship is never static.
Right, but that's why it is equals because each person contributes in a way that keeps things going, and each person is there to catch the other one in times of need, and the roles shift and change. And as far as equality goes, they treat each other as equals and do not feel that they are better than the other (as the OP is saying). I think people are projecting their own mature understanding onto the OP. What she is saying is not at that mature level of understanding. She is saying that everyone has a motive (not love) and that anyone that is happy in a relationship has either settled for less, or their partner has settled for less in them. She says that no two successful people can be in a relationship together. But, I suppose it all boils down to what her definition of success may be. That is an individual thing as well. Also when there are children involved that changes things as well, in a way that the OP does not understand.
This is it, right here in a nut shell... The OP is too young, and too inexperience. She needs to develop herself first. She does not even know who she is yet let alone enough, about being with someone else. Thinking a relationship only consists of what a partner brings to the table, proves this. I am sure as we all did this view will change as the OP ages, and get life experience.0 -
I've been married 9 years (and we are pretty much equally accomplished). To have a successful relationship you have to remember that a marriage has several parts. You have to be lovers, best friends, roommates, co-parents and even business partners. You have to maintain all parts and to make it more fun, everything changes even your personalities change. You have to be fluid and flexible and willing to work on things and re-evaluate when things change. It's hard but it can be so worth it. After 9 years I can honestly say I am MORE in love with my husband than I was when we were dating even though life is harder. We fight more, have more stressful jobs, 3 kids, a mortgage, with all of these things we've gotten stronger. We are in a good place financially and are working to become better. Our kids are awesome fun little people. We're both in great health. Our sex life is awesome as is the romance level. The house isn't as clean as it could be but it's clean enough. We've got a good balance and I can honestly say I love being married.0
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Om, No.
Infact I think the reason Im still single is cuz I refuse to settle, and men are such a let down0 -
Om, No.
Infact I think the reason Im still single is cuz I refuse to settle, and men are such a let down
lol. That is comic gold, right thar.0 -
I think the main thing this thread shows and that is interesting is that people are sharing their experiences and the process by which they learned and grew in themselves and in their relationships. And as you can see, that is a very different experience for all of these people. This is the process of life, and different people learn and grow in different ways and in different areas and that does not all happen at the same times for every person. Everyone here has had a different path to get to where they are now (either in relationship or single). No person can do that for another person. You can't share your experience as a road map for another person. It is an individual process. And it is a very profound aspect of the human experience.0
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Oh Hellz no. I got married for the first time at 35 and I had a teenage son. I had been engaged before and in a few serious relationships but trust me I did not settle.
He is an amazing man who is wowsers handsome and fit has a great job, loves my son, is so attracted to me I have to beat him off with a stick, gentle kind generous oh did I mention he is 10 years younger then me....
So no as I aged I did not settle as a matter of fact my standards got higher and I acheived them.0 -
I think as I've gotten older and been through a slew of relationships, its helped me figure out who I am and what I want. Settling is no longer an option.
This is me, also. I learned to look at the bigger picture, not just the one thing that made me fall in love in the first place.0 -
I don't think age has anything to do with any of this.
Everyone has their own experiences with love & relationships, & everyone is constantly changing due to relationships stopping or starting, life events causing a re prioritizing, having kids.
No one knows the truth or 'secrets' about love, marriage, or relationships, because no two people's experiences are the same. Some marriages are great, some suck, some revolve around one thing & another revolves around something else.
If age matters so much, can I provide an opinion?
I'm only 22, but I've been married for 3 years & have a 16 month-old & 16 week-old.
Sooo, are my opinions relevant or no0 -
I don't think age has anything to do with any of this.
Everyone has their own experiences with love & relationships, & everyone is constantly changing due to relationships stopping or starting, life events causing a re prioritizing, having kids.
No one knows the truth or 'secrets' about love, marriage, or relationships, because no two people's experiences are the same. Some marriages are great, some suck, some revolve around one thing & another revolves around something else.
If age matters so much, can I provide an opinion?
I'm only 22, but I've been married for 3 years & have a 16 month-old & 16 week-old.
Sooo, are my opinions relevant or no
Of course your opinions are relevant. And they are based in experience and a mature understanding.
Plenty of young people can be in a mature, healthy, long term relationship/marriage. I was and still am.
What they shouldn't be worrying about is whether or not they need to settle (and deciding that everyone does).0 -
The older I get the more I really dont care. I enjoy my life for what it is. I dont feel lonely being alone.0
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ask me again when I'm 80.0
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The older I get the more I really dont care. I enjoy my life for what it is. I dont feel lonely being alone.
Yeah, that's the point that I'm at.0 -
Lots of responses! (Some angry too...)
Alright, I'm NOT interested in a relationship/dating or ANYTHING right now, for literally at least another decade. So that's that. I know I don't have ANY life experience, of course I wouldn't! I'm just curious to know what y'all think and so I asked this question.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that it depends on the couple themselves, and that they learn how to handle the dynamic of their respective families and the way it plays into their relationship. And I still strongly believe there's a power rule in a couple, and I don't buy into the 'We love each other and we're equal' view. Sorry.
As for me being narcissistic, or cynical, I'm just talking from what I've seen, which is very limited, since I'm not that old at all. Experiences will change me, sure, but I'm definitely willing to stand by my opinion that love has a motive.
It's actually normal for young people to have a somewhat narcissistic view of the world. It is what gives them the confidence to break free and go out into the world and try everything they need to. And all people go through it (to varying degrees) and all people mature and grow.
I don't think people are responding angry here. That is your perception.
I was not saying that you were narcissistic, I was just saying the scenario you described was of a world full of narcissists.
You are right that you are young, so there does seem to be a lot of misunderstanding here both in the views you are presenting and in your reaction to the responses in this thread. But, maybe this can be part of your learning experience. If you are willing to be open to listening.
Also, I don't see why you think you need to wait until you are 28 to have relationships. Go out and enjoy life and have relationships and learn about relationships through experience and learn about yourself and grow and have fun with people.
This is the internet. I don't know you. I don't understand you or what this experience with this friend with some kind of bad relationship is (honestly I've not read this whole thread closely enough or taken the time to analyze these strangers relationships that aren't even here to comment).
And you are very lucky that you had a Dad that you love and that loves you. Not everyone has been so lucky.
Well 28 would be when I get done with starting my career. Sure, it only begins there, but after that I'll have accomplished my life's purpose.
Thank you. I am indeed lucky.
I definitely am willing to listen, and I'm still reading through all the insightful comments on here.0 -
Lots of responses! (Some angry too...)
Alright, I'm NOT interested in a relationship/dating or ANYTHING right now, for literally at least another decade. So that's that. I know I don't have ANY life experience, of course I wouldn't! I'm just curious to know what y'all think and so I asked this question.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that it depends on the couple themselves, and that they learn how to handle the dynamic of their respective families and the way it plays into their relationship. And I still strongly believe there's a power rule in a couple, and I don't buy into the 'We love each other and we're equal' view. Sorry.
As for me being narcissistic, or cynical, I'm just talking from what I've seen, which is very limited, since I'm not that old at all. Experiences will change me, sure, but I'm definitely willing to stand by my opinion that love has a motive.
i think that the term "settling" is a misnomer. what actually happens as you get older is that the characteristics you value in another person change. when i was 18, it honestly didn't matter too much whether i could hold an interesting 3 hour conversation with a woman. now it does. there are all sorts of traits that you look for when you are 18 that end up not being as important when you're 30 or 40 or 50 years old, and vice versa.
so you don't "settle", you simply get wiser about the things that truly need to be there in order to find long term compatibility with somebody else.
In the eyes of someone else, you may be settling. But in your eyes, you're content with what you've got. It's a matter of perspective, I guess.
Because at 18, you know more than someone that is 50?
I was just restating what I understood from the commenter's post, to communicate to him/her (can't recall) that I am trying to better understand the situation.0 -
if anything, i have to say that the OP has a fantastic vocabulary and writes very articulately for an 18 year old. so many other young people (and folks in their 20s/30s/40s and beyond) on MFP can't seem to string a sentence together. so, yeah. three cheers for you in that department
That is very sweet of you to say. Thank you! Credit for that goes to my high school sophomore English teacher Super strict, but at the end of the year I felt like I'd improved so much more (I was abysmal before her class hah). 0 -
if anything, i have to say that the OP has a fantastic vocabulary and writes very articulately for an 18 year old. so many other young people (and folks in their 20s/30s/40s and beyond) on MFP can't seem to string a sentence together. so, yeah. three cheers for you in that department
this is what i was thinking bagging on OP for being 18, but I think the OP is starting to get a pretty realistic grasp on relationships. Better than some of the flaky posts I've seen where these women are naively staying with abusive spouses.
OP its not cynicism its realism.
Thanks for your post! I'm glad to know someone agrees with me on this.0 -
Lots of responses! (Some angry too...)
Alright, I'm NOT interested in a relationship/dating or ANYTHING right now, for literally at least another decade. So that's that. I know I don't have ANY life experience, of course I wouldn't! I'm just curious to know what y'all think and so I asked this question.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that it depends on the couple themselves, and that they learn how to handle the dynamic of their respective families and the way it plays into their relationship. And I still strongly believe there's a power rule in a couple, and I don't buy into the 'We love each other and we're equal' view. Sorry.
As for me being narcissistic, or cynical, I'm just talking from what I've seen, which is very limited, since I'm not that old at all. Experiences will change me, sure, but I'm definitely willing to stand by my opinion that love has a motive.
i think that the term "settling" is a misnomer. what actually happens as you get older is that the characteristics you value in another person change. when i was 18, it honestly didn't matter too much whether i could hold an interesting 3 hour conversation with a woman. now it does. there are all sorts of traits that you look for when you are 18 that end up not being as important when you're 30 or 40 or 50 years old, and vice versa.
so you don't "settle", you simply get wiser about the things that truly need to be there in order to find long term compatibility with somebody else.
In the eyes of someone else, you may be settling. But in your eyes, you're content with what you've got. It's a matter of perspective, I guess.
Because at 18, you know more than someone that is 50?
I was just restating what I understood from the commenter's post, to communicate to him/her (can't recall) that I am trying to better understand the situation.
Oh, I see.
I misunderstood what you were saying.0 -
Lots of responses! (Some angry too...)
Alright, I'm NOT interested in a relationship/dating or ANYTHING right now, for literally at least another decade. So that's that. I know I don't have ANY life experience, of course I wouldn't! I'm just curious to know what y'all think and so I asked this question.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that it depends on the couple themselves, and that they learn how to handle the dynamic of their respective families and the way it plays into their relationship. And I still strongly believe there's a power rule in a couple, and I don't buy into the 'We love each other and we're equal' view. Sorry.
As for me being narcissistic, or cynical, I'm just talking from what I've seen, which is very limited, since I'm not that old at all. Experiences will change me, sure, but I'm definitely willing to stand by my opinion that love has a motive.
i think that the term "settling" is a misnomer. what actually happens as you get older is that the characteristics you value in another person change. when i was 18, it honestly didn't matter too much whether i could hold an interesting 3 hour conversation with a woman. now it does. there are all sorts of traits that you look for when you are 18 that end up not being as important when you're 30 or 40 or 50 years old, and vice versa.
so you don't "settle", you simply get wiser about the things that truly need to be there in order to find long term compatibility with somebody else.
In the eyes of someone else, you may be settling. But in your eyes, you're content with what you've got. It's a matter of perspective, I guess.
Because at 18, you know more than someone that is 50?
I was just restating what I understood from the commenter's post, to communicate to him/her (can't recall) that I am trying to better understand the situation.
Oh, I see. You just very much misunderstood what the person was saying?
I guess I misunderstood what you were saying.
If you were reiterating what the other person said, you did very much misunderstand what was said. Because it sounded like you were saying that the poster had settled and was not aware of it.
Uhm the 'you' was meant as a general you, not towards the commenter.0
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