Is my marriage normal?

135

Replies

  • caramelgyrlk
    caramelgyrlk Posts: 1,112 Member
    Nothing normal about a guy who doesn't make time for his kids, let alone his wife. Physical job or not, he still has responsibilities as a father and husband.
    [/quote

    Perfect answer
  • Jennloella
    Jennloella Posts: 2,286 Member
    nope. My husband works 12-14 hour days and as soon as he gets home, I'm kissed, he takes the baby from me, and he helps do dinner with the other hand. Now maybe we are the not normal ones, but I will tell you that the way he treats us makes it easier for me to keep him happy. Everyone wins. Talk to him about it and see if he may go talk to someone with you, if he refuses then I'd start to worry.
  • yankeefamily05
    yankeefamily05 Posts: 657
    It sounds like you and your hubby are definitely not on the same page. Sounds like neither of you have the same priorities. It is time to have a talk with him, and no it is not normal! Feel free to vent to me anytime!
  • BluePHX
    BluePHX Posts: 184 Member
    Maybe you're just not speaking his language. I dunno if you've ever heard of it, but there's a really fantastic book out called "The Five Love Languages." It was written by a marriage councilor and you'll really learn a lot from it, even if it doesn't necessarily help this specific situation out. Sometimes you think you're showing someone you love them very much by treating them how you'd want to be treated. But a lot of times, they speak a different love language than you do and need to be shown in a different way. Anyway. I hope that helps. I don't think giving up is the right answer because marriage isn't the kind of thing you just throw away. Give it a shot and try everything before you make any big decisions. This is your family you're talking about here, and you're gonna feel kinda crappy if you quit right now and then find out later on there was something you could have done. You obviously saw something very special in this man to have promised the rest of your life to him. That should count for something as long as you're being honest with yourself.
  • MyaPapaya75
    MyaPapaya75 Posts: 3,143 Member
    Hmm.......he is spending time "with you" didn't you say he goes to the gym with you? Maybe you both can make more of that time together and possibly make one of those days an extended movie night afterwards...It is going to take work on both parts...as Far as time with the kids I think maybe you and him will need to talk on that it seems he works hard and has provided so that you can stay home...this being something you obviously have agreed to.....life is short your marriage is "normal"....I think your husband is missing out on things but its his choice...but you do need to find ways to make a little time for each other...if he's not willing to then there will be problems
  • highervibes
    highervibes Posts: 2,219 Member
    I wouldn't say it's normal, but I would definitely say it's common. My marriage was in a similar state. Work to pay bills, come home to chores, work to pay bills, come home to chores. It gets to EVERYONE at some point. We decided to simplify our life by selling our McMansion and buying a tiny old house in a tiny town so that we could live mortgage free. It was the BEST decision we could have ever made. Money wasn't even a problem for us, but just feeling like slaves and renting our lives from the bank made us both feel pretty ****ty. Is there a possibility he's just bunt out? The rat race can get to you in a way that will suck the life out of your soul.
  • ashandloggiesmom
    ashandloggiesmom Posts: 92 Member
    Wow, thank you all for the responses! Lots of good advice. I am going to try to talk with him, look into counseling. Maybe he doesn't realize how distant he is, or how much it hurts us. And if things can't change many of you shared that you were able to move on and if that's whats needed so be it, but I will fight to make it better. And I know that I need to get my own life besides him and the kids, my son will be going to school next month and I hope I can get a job and meet some people. Thank you all :)
  • Redbird99ky
    Redbird99ky Posts: 305 Member
    Is it normal? Probably, but why be normal?
    Oh! There was a period my husband went through when he was a little like this. We were under some strain, and it turned out he was actually depressed.

    One of the biggest helps was me doing things that interested him more, so he could have his time with us and to have some time to enjoy himself in his own hobby and really talking to him in a way a counselor taught me:

    Think through what you would like to get out of the conversation and how important it is to you. Put yourself in his shoes to try to get a better understanding of his feelings. Realize neither of you has the upper hand, it's a partnership.

    Then use "I" statements. "I feel _____ when we don't spend quality time together. I would love it if we could _______. I think it would be helpful in this way. What do you think?"

    And be open/encourage discussion and negotiation.

    Once we learned how to communicate better (my hubby picked up on the template and uses it on me now, lol) thats when we really started to get close.

    ^^ It is quite possible that he is suffering from depression or an addiction ... Try and see if you can get him to agree to some counseling for both of you and also individually.
  • SteelySunshine
    SteelySunshine Posts: 1,092 Member
    I really don't know what to say here My go to response doesn't seem quite appropriate, because I think that your marriage can be fixed. But, it can't just be you working on it. That isn't acceptable at all, because that is the current situation. He is treating you like free help. That is not right. I think maybe you could look for a way to get a job, I know daycare expenses can be terribly high, so he would have to pay some of that. You deserve to have a life outside the home just as much as he does. You deserve to have friends just as much,. You deserve to have a hobby just as much. If he can't see that they I guess it is time for him to leave
  • lucianagerrish
    lucianagerrish Posts: 1 Member
    Well, marriage is not a easy thing. I think what keep couples together is love. Lots of love. I think your husband is a little stressed. Working all day and come home exhausted. No energy for you and kids. And you are feeling left out. Why don't you try to have a conversation telling him how do you feel. Don't argue. Just tell him that you miss him, wanted more time for you guys. I think every couple should have at least one day of the week that they should go out alone, no kids, a time just for them. Go out to eat, for movies, ice cream... whatever. Do something that would bring you guys close.
    I don't know how old are you kids, but you should have something to do and not only taking care of the kids and house. Maybe a job would keep your mind busy and focus more on you.
  • Adrasteis
    Adrasteis Posts: 110 Member
    My heart goes out for you because I have been through the same thing. That's how my first marriage was and by the end of 4 years I couldn't take it anymore. I felt love-starved, lonely and unattractive. I tried getting babysitters at night so we could go out with each other, I tried spicing things up in the bedroom, I tried talking, crying, pleading, screaming...nothing helped. It was all lies and empty promises to my face because it turned out all the love I wanted and craved he was giving to another woman, so I'm glad I finally got the nerve to leave. It wasn't an easy decision to make but in the long run I'm far happier now than I ever would have been if I had stayed.

    I wish you the best in your situation.
  • amandapye78
    amandapye78 Posts: 820 Member
    My husband works 2 jobs and is going to school full time, he still makes time for us. My husband surprised me with a lunch date today just the 2 of us. He took the kids fishing last night. I don't know how my husband does it but he does and I love and respect him for it. My ex husband did a lot of what you are saying. He slept all the time and drank on the weekends, he never had time for us but he did have time to mess around with co workers. i would suggest talking to your husband and seeking counseling. If it doesn't work just remember that there are a lot better men out there.
  • iorahkwano
    iorahkwano Posts: 709 Member
    Hm.... But he has energy to work on his truck & go out with his friends if the option presents itself?

    I say try making "date night(s)" every week where you two go out somewhere after his nap instead of him being on a date with his phone/computer all night.

    Or simply, tell him to shut his phone & computer and to pay attention to his wife & kids, or else he won't have any anymore! If he can play on a computer, then he can watch a movie & cuddle with his wife. Or read his kids a story.
  • GormanGhaste
    GormanGhaste Posts: 430 Member
    It is probably something that happens to everyone.
    No.
  • bernied262
    bernied262 Posts: 882 Member
    Define 'normal'! It sounds to me like you are unhappy and therefore this is not 'normal'. However, I suspect that for a lot of people what you have described is 'normal'.

    I have been married for 18 yrs, met him when i was 18, married at 22. Our married life has gone through many phases.
    years 1 - 10: beyond happy and in love with each other.
    Year 10 - 15: a tragic even turned our world upside down. We lost our sense of being a 'couple', but clung to each other for support during this time. At this point, we loved each other but were probably not 'in love' if you get my drift.
    year 15 to date: fell back into love, still have some bumps in the road but we are ready and prepared to face them together.

    My advice, talk to your hubby. Try and get some 'we' time, maybe a weekend away so that you can reconnect (and i am not just talking sex, but that often helps :) ) and talk. If he is unable to give you that time, then I would seriously re-evaluate your future.


    Sorry you are going through it, it is tough, but if it is worth fighting for, BOTH of you will fight for it. Good luck.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,024 Member
    It's probably a lot more normal then many care to admit. Working with different clients, they have a tendency to tell me about their home life and the majority of them say that their spouse and them don't talk much, don't go out much, nor do much together since they've been married. There are obligational things like birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, but other than that, it does seem that many live a separate life inside their homes. Probably why the divorce rate is over 50% right now too. Why does it happen? Well IMO, when people have lots of debt, they spend more time working. More working leaves less free time. Less free time means less commitment time to a relationship. Kinda just all falls into place.

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  • gonnamakeanewaccount
    gonnamakeanewaccount Posts: 642 Member
    Just break up.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    I don't know if it's normal, though I suspect that it might be. I only know my own marriage. My husband has always found me to be a comfortable and comforting presence, so when he comes home, he just wants to be near me, to "hang out" with me and let the outside world fade away. It sounds like he's stressed and/or doesn't see you as his "hang out" girl. Since you guys had kids, did your relationship change? Are you more his kids' mommy than his best friend? Have a chat with him...Good luck!
  • t1nk6
    t1nk6 Posts: 215
    he does go to the gym and work out with you , but he doesnt interact with you or his kids... he goes to work, sleeps when he comes home except if hes got plans with his mates, goes out with his mates or on the internet and mobile.

    Sorry but it sounds like he's cheating.. whats he doing online ? why is he on his mobile all the time? is he going out with his mates or meeting someone else? why doesnt he take you out? is he hiding something doesnt want to be seen with you and kids ?

    Force yourself into his life, if hes going out tell him your going with him for a change. Make plans to do something as a family, dont ask him, tell him. Involve him wether he wants to or not.
    Does he leave his mobile down? When he does and recieves a messege or it rings pick it up for him see how he responds.

    Find out whats going on, he might just be a selfish git ...You and the kids deserve better deserve to be happy, not ignored! Fight for his time to make happy memories and if it doesnt work then, give him the ultimatum.

    Your either a family or you and the kids are moving on.
  • CaliforniaSweetheart
    CaliforniaSweetheart Posts: 989
    It is time to seek marriage counseling.
    This! Try and work through it before just walking away. Marriage isn't always going to be rainbows and butterflies. Work through it and come out stronger.
  • rprussell2004
    rprussell2004 Posts: 870 Member
    I saw at least two other people mention this: Look into clinical depression.

    I *was* that husband for a while. I felt like everything was hopeless, I was stuck in a rut and life had lost its enjoyment. I really hit rock bottom.

    It took a lot of courage, opening up - both to my spouse and doctor - and other approaches, but I'm back being a hubby and dad again.

    Male depression is not something to mess around with. Please look into it.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    Sounds completely normal too me. Can't you have someone watch the kids for a few hours a week and get a guy on the side like everyone else?
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    No, not all men who work a physical job are like that. I would be miserable in that kind of marriage. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    Does he need to go to the doctor? Maybe he's diabetic or something.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    If it is just a work thing would it be possible for you to work? Maybe the stress of being the breadwinner is getting to him? It's his responsibility to care for the family and if he doesnt work his children dont eat.

    He makes the comment about well if you did my job you'd be tired, so I'm wondering if that might be some of the issue.
  • Soccermavrick
    Soccermavrick Posts: 405 Member
    Whether it be marriage councellor or something else, it seems like there needs to be a middle ground. He sounds like he is married is name and money only. If you are talking kid talk all day, then it is nromal to want some real talk later. I mean I work late too, but I try to make sure that at least two or three nights a week, plus weekends I have time for my family. I mean, I am not perfect and my wife gets on my case too, but I do not think it is nearly to this extreme. It sounds as if he does not know what he is missing. Marriage and Family changes things, Family first, friends on weekends are second.
  • happywithme12
    happywithme12 Posts: 477 Member
    Yeah, I know it's its not probably normal, but I wonder how common it is... I feel bad, he's a good guy otherwise. It just stinks cause isn't that part of the reason we get married, to not be alone and to be around someone we love? Thanks guys :)


    This is more common than you think, i have been married for 15 years and we are very happy right now but it wasn't always that way. He used to work nights and even when he was home during the day he didn't spend much time with the kids and lets say our lives were a mess at that time. To be honest I almost ended our marriage because I had had enough, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and not hold anything back because if you don't you are going to have more problems. Let him know how you feel even if you have to yell, get it out don't hold it in and make your feelings known to him. I made the mistake of not saying anything when i was mad or upset and it almost ended my marriage so my best advice to you is talk, talk, talk because if he cares he will listen and hopefully it will help :)
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.

    Yes and no.

    It is normal for parents with kids to get caught up in the grind of daily life. That is kinda of an unfortunate biproduct of responsibility.

    But really, this is ony one side fo the story so it is hard to tell what the real issues are. As much as you sound unhappy with the way things are, i am sure he isn't too happy either. That said, you guys need to talk. That is the only starting point that will get you anywhere. If you can't communicate well together, you might try a counselor to help you learn to talk with each other and not at each other. Then you can continue to work on issues to build a marriage you both want. Most likely along the way you will have personal issues you both need to work on indivudually as well as what you want in the marriage. To make it all work, it will take work....and time.

    All the best.
  • ACepero79
    ACepero79 Posts: 711 Member
    Hi, I'm new to MFP and don't know if this type of thread is allowed, but I have no friends and no one to talk to besides on here and I would like some input somewhere! I've been really focusing on my health and would like to work on me mentally also.

    I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.

    Maybe he has mono
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
    Does he need to go to the doctor? Maybe he's diabetic or something.

    Or he's drinking too much or is depressed... or all three. It's hard when you are sad and lonely, but you might need to focus on him for the moment. And also, try to get out and make some friends, even if its just parents of your kids' friends.

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