Is my marriage normal?

As someone who was the guy in this situation, it sounds like he is depressed. He could also have a number of medical issues ranging from Thyroid to Diabetes to a Vitamin D deficiency to any number of things. For me, it was depression and Vitamin D. I was working two jobs, had very little time for friend, didn't have any family local to me, and got stuck in a cycle of being unhappy and not wanting to do anything. I don't have children though. Eventually my wife was able to get me to counseling. Unfortunately it was too late to save the marriage but now she and I are very good friends. It was not easy accepting things so you will have to be patient with him, but not too patient. Eventually you have to make sure you are taking care of your own happiness so that you can be the best parent you can be for your kids.

I saw at least two other people mention this: Look into clinical depression.

I *was* that husband for a while. I felt like everything was hopeless, I was stuck in a rut and life had lost its enjoyment. I really hit rock bottom.

It took a lot of courage, opening up - both to my spouse and doctor - and other approaches, but I'm back being a hubby and dad again.

Male depression is not something to mess around with. Please look into it.

Yup. Was there last year. Taken me a lot to turn it around, but the wife and I are doing MUCH better.

I would just talk to him about it. Have a heart to heart. But, here's the thing. You need to communicate to him how you feel kindly and with love. Guys automatically shut down when they are spoken to with disrespect. He could be depressed. Some guys struggle to talk about how they feel. He probably just needs to know that he can be open with you without condemnation.

I think before just giving up and leaving you two should go to marriage counselling together. This seems like a communication problem that can be solved. My father had the same issue when I was growing up and it really hurt me seeing him go to bed without talking to me. It really frustrated my step mother and they are now getting a divorce. If you love him try to fix the problem together. I know you guys can.

Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel.

Mine is the same way. He thinks is 4 hour a day physical job is more exhausting than my 9 hour a day job. Lots of men will always think their job is harder, whether it is or not!

Nothing normal about a guy who doesn't make time for his kids, let alone his wife. Physical job or not, he still has responsibilities as a father and husband.

Like many have said before the key is to talk about it and get your feelings out in the open.
Try to start your sentences with, "I feel," so that it does not feel like he is being attacked. Ie I feel lonely most days. I feel like I need more physical and emotional attention…
Ask him if he is willing to change.

If you want a test to know if your relationship is health, try the David Burns Relationship Satisfaction Scale. It is a standard therapy tool to help gauge your relationship. I included al link to the test below but you can just google it if you don’t have word.
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=relationship satisfaction test david burns&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&ved=0CDsQFjAC&url=http://www.oaktrees.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/05/RelationshipSatisfactionScale.doc&ei=eUzkUfexGaSXigKCiYHABQ&usg=AFQjCNHWkhv2ZSsFK_9tuK3ea8KXeGnazQ&bvm=bv.48705608,d.cGE

Sounds like you need marriage counseling. Try to look back over everything and ask yourself if you are trying to make him your everything. I know that sounds funny but he just can't be. You need interaction from real, tangible people that is meaningful. I feel like you cant expect your husband to be your "everything". You still need your own friends, your own hobbies, your own interests, and your own spiritual relationship with God. A marriage to me is about merging the two. You said, "his friends", working on "his truck". What about your friends and your hobbies. If you dont have any, find some. I would encourage you to pray for yourself and him then start getting involved in your church. Its hard, I know. Once he sees that you are enjoying life without him or regardless of the situation he may come around. Actions are louder than words and you will begin to enjoy life more. Good luck!!

When I was in my mid 20's and working in construction it was not uncommon for me to come home and pass out in my chair waiting for dinner. My wife was a stay at home mom and dinner was around 5:30pm. Sometimes she could not wake me for dinner and she and my daughter would eat alone while I slept in the living room. Later, 10-11pm I'd realize Iw as in my chair still and would go up to bed and pass out until 5:30am when I got, showered, ate and left for work again (I had a 1hr commute). My wife (now ex) slept in with the kids and never got up with me.

Was a wrong? Was she?

On the weekends I'd get up (I'm habitual) around 6am and make breakfast for the kids and then try to do things I was unable to do all week but I can't say I spent a lot of time with my wife.

In the same token many times I'd not fall asleep before dinner and would eat with them and watch TV (while passing out) with my wife at night -- I was so tired I couldn't stay away. I also lost 30lbs just from sheer physical exertion.

I think during that time she was often upset that I slept so much and felt I should pay her more attention and she never understood that her 'not being able to sleep in during the week' while I got up earlier every day, was enough of a reason for her to ignore me and sleep in on weekends.

So what is the solution? Pay attention to what the issue is and try to understand the exhaustion if it is indeed due to physical work and take every chance to make the time you share better then right now. Make an effort even if it's just getting up in the morning with him.

As for the drinking? I'm opposed to doing that to the excess and if it causes drunkenness and sleepiness then he ought to stop. It's one thing to understand when someone works hard but another entirely when they find drink more appealing then you!

Maybe try explaining that you can relate to and understand physical exhaustion but you can not and will not except drinking on the weekend as a good 'release' when you are right there and could spend quality time with him.

Something to ponder.

By the way, I got divorced from my 1st wife and am now married to someone who actually loves me and would understand if I was always tired (I'm not now because I don't work in a physical job).

Yeah, I know it's its not probably normal, but I wonder how common it is... I feel bad, he's a good guy otherwise. It just stinks cause isn't that part of the reason we get married, to not be alone and to be around someone we love? Thanks guys

This is more common than you think, i have been married for 15 years and we are very happy right now but it wasn't always that way. He used to work nights and even when he was home during the day he didn't spend much time with the kids and lets say our lives were a mess at that time. To be honest I almost ended our marriage because I had had enough, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and not hold anything back because if you don't you are going to have more problems. Let him know how you feel even if you have to yell, get it out don't hold it in and make your feelings known to him. I made the mistake of not saying anything when i was mad or upset and it almost ended my marriage so my best advice to you is talk, talk, talk because if he cares he will listen and hopefully it will help

I found the best way to talk to my husband was to write him letters. If we tried to have a sit down discussion he would always get upset and end up yelling at me and I would never be able to fully get through the issues. So I finally figured out that I would write a letter starting with why I loved him. Then I would get to what he has been doing lately and how it made me feel. I usually tried to end it positively. When we tried talking things out he just couldn't sit through it and truly HEAR me. But when I wrote it he would read every single bit of it from beginning to end. For some reason when someone writes you a letter even when it isn't what you want to hear you will still read every bit of it. And him reading it he would be able to think about what I said and it would really get him to understand and hear me out without yelling. I usually gave it to him when I knew I would not be around so that he could read it in private.

It was how I told him how I thought he might be depressed about his work. He was eating and drinking too much. Not spending hardly anytime with us. (this was about 5 years in to our marriage)

Okay okay can I try?

"I FEEL, like you are being a major a-hole right now"

"I FEEL, like you need to get your azz off the couch right now and help out a little"

"When you do that thing with your smacking lips I FEEL like smacking you upside the head"

"I FEEL like i'm the only one in the world right now with this problem, but other's have survived it with intact marriages"

"I FEEL like I would faint if anyone tried to drag me kicking and screaming into a counseling session"






unless if there's lap sitting involved...then sign me up!

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/863857/thumbs/o-COUPLES-THERAPY-COURTNEY-DOUG-121114-facebook.jpg

Not normal - Think the best approach would be to first make some time just for the two of you - leave the kids with someone you trust and take a few days (week end?) alone- not at home- and first let him sleep so you are both well rested do something fun and relaxing - tell him you miss him, miss the fun you used to have, miss his presence, help etc..don't tell him what you expect of him, just tell him what you miss about him- we all need to feel loved and needed (not used but needed)...

Yeah, I know it's its not probably normal, but I wonder how common it is... I feel bad, he's a good guy otherwise. It just stinks cause isn't that part of the reason we get married, to not be alone and to be around someone we love? Thanks guys

This is more common than you think, i have been married for 15 years and we are very happy right now but it wasn't always that way. He used to work nights and even when he was home during the day he didn't spend much time with the kids and lets say our lives were a mess at that time. To be honest I almost ended our marriage because I had had enough, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and not hold anything back because if you don't you are going to have more problems. Let him know how you feel even if you have to yell, get it out don't hold it in and make your feelings known to him. I made the mistake of not saying anything when i was mad or upset and it almost ended my marriage so my best advice to you is talk, talk, talk because if he cares he will listen and hopefully it will help

I found the best way to talk to my husband was to write him letters. If we tried to have a sit down discussion he would always get upset and end up yelling at me and I would never be able to fully get through the issues. So I finally figured out that I would write a letter starting with why I loved him. Then I would get to what he has been doing lately and how it made me feel. I usually tried to end it positively. When we tried talking things out he just couldn't sit through it and truly HEAR me. But when I wrote it he would read every single bit of it from beginning to end. For some reason when someone writes you a letter even when it isn't what you want to hear you will still read every bit of it. And him reading it he would be able to think about what I said and it would really get him to understand and hear me out without yelling. I usually gave it to him when I knew I would not be around so that he could read it in private.

It was how I told him how I thought he might be depressed about his work. He was eating and drinking too much. Not spending hardly anytime with us. (this was about 5 years in to our marriage)

If I had to write my husband a letter to get my point across, it would be a Dear John letter.

It is time to seek marriage counseling.

^^^^^^^^^AGREED^^^^^^^^^^

I am sorry. My ex husband was the same way, I talked to him told him we needed more time together but all was ignored so our marriage finally ended in divorce. Good luck hope you work it out.