My Boyfriend thinks I'm Fat
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You have to lose weight for you, not for anybody else. All changes you make in life need to be for yourself if you want them to last. Otherwise when you dont have that person motivating you you will fall back into your old habits etc.
For example " I quit smoking for so and so" ... While this may be an initial motivator you need to find things that internally motivate you. As someone who leans towards codependent behavior this is something I always have to look at. Its also possible to act out because so & so isnt happy with us.
In your case your boyfriend sounds super controlling and may not be worth the time spent trying to make him happy
Mark.
Feel free to add me if you'd like0 -
really amazed to see tht peeps on MFP still have meaningful persons in their lives when I see all the dump him comments all the time.
How do you guys know if he's not an amazing BF on all the other aspects?
Not saying that he is right in any way, he is not, but the dump him comments are just stupid and borderless trolls (on the troll side of the border)
he's insensitive and you should
a) shove it to his face,letting him know that it hurts
b) make sure that he is as fit as he wants you to be
c) talk lifestyle, ifhe is fit and want you to be healthy for activities, then weight has absolutely no point being ever mentionned
d) ask him to maybe watch less skinny porn and focus more on real life with you
that is if he is not a douche when it comes to other things of course.0 -
I was wondering if anyone else picked up on the obvious sarcasmI think my husband is old. I mean, he's 45.
lol... 45 is old? wow.
I'm 41. I married him when he was a hot 31 year old.
LOL....hate to tell ya, then you're old too.
Are you kidding? I'm four years YOUNGER than him.
Also, my kids are three and one, so they're not old enough yet to tell me how out-of-it I am. I have at least three more years of grace.
So you honestly think that because you are a measly 4 years younger then him, that he is old yet you are not?
My husband is 46. I am 39. My husband is far from old. If you feel your husband is old at 45, I hate to say it, you need to add yourself to that bracket as well.
I'm pretty sure she's joking. It's called sarcasm.0 -
I think I need to try this again...I love my boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him. He has a weakness when it comes to weight, but it most other ways he is a wonderful and supportive man.
I am really open to advice on how to productively move past this. I don't want to continue to feel this way, and so far nothing I have tried has made him realize just how big an effect he is having on my body image. Please, if you have any (productive) ideas for how to approach this and help it hit home with him or at least how to make me less sensitive to it, let me know.0 -
Weight vs. height for women varies by body type just as it does for men. Probably more so.
My wife is 5'10 and weighed 125 pounds when I met here. At my peak, I weighed more than both of us did combined when we met.
She was not underweight for her build. Neither of us wish to go back to what we weighed back then. She thought I was skinny and under weight but didn't say so at the time :bigsmile:
He loves you or he doesn't. It is that simple. If it is his "image" of you that he loves then and can't stand when you deviate from his image of you he seems to have no tolerance. Best that he showed his true colors now.0 -
This is a lose/lose situation.
Either lose the weight.
Or lose the boyfriend.0 -
Sounds like you need to lose around 200 pounds... HIM.0
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How in the world do you even think she is a little over weight???You are a little overweight. But that's a different issue than your boyfriend.
My sister dated a guy in college who wouldn't date her until she lost weight (she started out about where you are - I never though of her as fat). She did - and looked fantastic. She also wound up with bulimia (not the fault of her sensible weight loss program, but true nonetheless.) He controller her eating. She worried if she gained weight she'd lose him. He could be obnoxious. My mom saw him walk across the room and take food out of her hand.
We all worried that anyone who would only love you if you were thin was not a person you would want to be with for better or worse. This seemed shallow to all of us.
They got married. It's been 30 years. She did gain weight eventually. He's good with that. I still don't like the controlling thing. I wouldn't have married him, but I didn't have to. She did.
How do you like to be treated?0 -
I think I need to try this again...I love my boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him. He has a weakness when it comes to weight, but it most other ways he is a wonderful and supportive man.
I am really open to advice on how to productively move past this. I don't want to continue to feel this way, and so far nothing I have tried has made him realize just how big an effect he is having on my body image. Please, if you have any (productive) ideas for how to approach this and help it hit home with him or at least how to make me less sensitive to it, let me know.
If you have no intention of leaving him, here are a few tips.
1) If YOU want to lose weight for YOU then go for it. Do NOT lose weight for anyone else, because even the motivation of the hurtful thing he said won't last nearly as long as it will if you are motivated within yourself to lose the weight. If you think you're a good weight - tell him.
2) Show him healthy bmi charts online and make him SEE that you are in the healthy range.
3) Tell him you will not change yourself for him. That he needs to love, respect and accept you as you are. That if you are going to change, you're going to do it for yourself.
4) Failing all that, reconsider your ideal of not leaving him
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I think I need to try this again...I love my boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him. He has a weakness when it comes to weight, but it most other ways he is a wonderful and supportive man.
I am really open to advice on how to productively move past this. I don't want to continue to feel this way, and so far nothing I have tried has made him realize just how big an effect he is having on my body image. Please, if you have any (productive) ideas for how to approach this and help it hit home with him or at least how to make me less sensitive to it, let me know.
My opinion if that even if he's amazing in every other area of life, his negatively affecting your body image can easily override all that. Picture yourself with him 5 or so years down the road. Picture your life after you've had a couple of kids and as a result, gained weight. Picture him negatively affecting your potential future daughter's body image. Chances are, he won't get better, and it WILL affect your kids. Is that really something you want? You need to flat out tell him what a **** he's being, and if he won't change in this area, my advice is to ditch him. There are many amazing men out there, you don't need to suffer with one who can't deal with you being at a HEALTHY weight0 -
Tell Your Boyfriend to pull his head out of his *kitten* so he can see better!!!!0
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My boyfriend thinks I am out of shape and chubby. I am 5'6" and weigh 140 pounds. At 145, he thinks I'm fat, and he can deal with it when I'm 135. Oh the things we do for love...
Is this ok? I'm not sure whether to be upset about or agree with him. Its true i'm not at my most idea weight, but I eat healthy, do yoga all the time, and do the best I can with exercise for having a job that requires me to be sitting 9 hours a day.
I used to be good with how I looked, but he really likes skinny girls and makes me feel like "I look good" is not as adequate as "I look like a sport's illustrated model."
My husband thinks I'm out of shape and chubby and I'm 5'6" and 134, and you know what, he's right, I used to be in between 115 and 120 and in great shape, which made me feel a lot better too! I think it's great he told/tells me when he thinks I''m getting fat! Rather tell me now then when I am even more overweight, now it's easier to control yet! So I guess my husband has the same attitude as yours, only difference is, I love him for it! Honesty is best according to me:)0 -
..wow... i don't have words for this..0
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I know no one likes hearing this - but there are lots of fish in the sea.
I cannot imagine how a person might have a healthy, happy relationship with someone who makes them feel bad about their weight. I just can't do it.
Maybe you're happy with him now, but I have a hard time believing someone who calls you fat will give you everything and make you feel everything you deserve.0 -
i have to say if he's making you feel bad like this now when you are bf/gf, imagine what he will say if you guys got married and you got pregnant later down the road? there are plenty of men out there. After having two kids in two years i'm still struggling to lose the baby weight i gain during my first pregnancy. my husband wants me to be healthy, he NEVER says oh your looking fat today you definitely need to lose some weight. honestly, you're the only one to blame for letting him make you feel bad about how you look. you need to seriously consider if this is how you want to live your life, because he's NOT going to change his thinking. it's probably just going to get worse.0
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Sounds majorly trollish. It is easy to see he has major issues...you've already brought up major baggage. He is SUPER SUPER skinny and wants you to be too. I actually can't believe you have put up with this for 2.5 years. I'm 5'6" and have been up to 230 lbs. Four kids and an over active drive to eat for pleasure have put quite the weight on me. My husband can be a jerk in many ways but he has never called me fat. I know that he is concerned about my weight and has told me that he was worried about my health. I hope you don't plan to have a baby with him. Those 30 lbs you gain may cause him to not touch you for 10-16 months as you get 'fat' and then have the baby and get back in to shape. I wonder how many comments he'll make during that year and a half of your life or more if you have more than one. If you plan to stay with him then plan to bow to his every command to get thin and skinny and when you get super skinny be prepared for something else that he has for you to work on. Maybe your arms will be to saggy or you can't see a six pack. Things you should think on.Conversation probably went like this.
Girl: Do you think im over weight?
BF: You got a few pounds to lose.
Girl: You think im fat. I will go tell the world how big of a jerk you are.
If he thought you were disgusting and fat he would leave you for a smaller girl.
I wish this was how it went because it would make this much easier to deal with if I was just being overly sensitive. Also, I don't think he is a jerk and am actually surprised by how many people jumped to that conclusion. I posted because I have been struggling to make him happy with my weight for 2 1/2 years. At one point I lost 15 lbs for him and he still just kept saying things like, "you could look really good, you have the frame for it."
I am posting now because I used this website to lose the weight the first time, came back to it again because he has made so many comments lately about how I should be trying harder, and I am sad because i genuinely enjoy running, swimming, working out, but none of it is good enough. I am just getting to a low point and thought I would try to reach out for advice in a different way than I have before.0 -
At one point I lost 15 lbs for him and he still just kept saying things like, "you could look really good, you have the frame for it."
If he's with you for your weight or your potential weight, he's with you for the wrong reasons, and you're with him for the wrong reasons.0 -
Here is your really awesome advice.I think I need to try this again...I love my boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him. He has a weakness when it comes to weight, but it most other ways he is a wonderful and supportive man.
I am really open to advice on how to productively move past this. I don't want to continue to feel this way, and so far nothing I have tried has made him realize just how big an effect he is having on my body image. Please, if you have any (productive) ideas for how to approach this and help it hit home with him or at least how to make me less sensitive to it, let me know.
If you have no intention of leaving him, here are a few tips.
1) If YOU want to lose weight for YOU then go for it. Do NOT lose weight for anyone else, because even the motivation of the hurtful thing he said won't last nearly as long as it will if you are motivated within yourself to lose the weight. If you think you're a good weight - tell him.
2) Show him healthy bmi charts online and make him SEE that you are in the healthy range.
3) Tell him you will not change yourself for him. That he needs to love, respect and accept you as you are. That if you are going to change, you're going to do it for yourself.
4) Failing all that, reconsider your ideal of not leaving him0 -
This is a classic technique for an insecure jerk to make a vulnerable person think they are lucky to have the jerk. It was always my cue to dump someone. Ironically, I heard this stuff mostly when I was young, slim and hot looking. Now that I'm older and fatter all I hear is sweet stuff from my sweetie who is happy I am taking care of my health. The Canadian group, Sparks had a song about how to get a supermodel to fawn on you..basically by finding her nonexistent faults.0
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I have been struggling to make him happy with my weight for 2 1/2 years. At one point I lost 15 lbs for him and he still just kept saying things like, "you could look really good, you have the frame for it."
That is just sick. I'm sorry but he shouldn't be saying crap like that and your willingness to let his comments get to you while still trying to achieve HIS ideal of what you should look like is just messed up on so many levels. This is how abusive relationships start.0 -
put his *kitten* to the curb.0
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Hi there, I just want you to know that I have been struggling to drop weight to what my bf thinks is good for me. I started at 170 when we met, and went all the way to 135. At 5'9, that made me WAY too sickly looking. I am now maintaining between 145-155 with a great deal of muscle and energy and he still calls me fat. DO NOT let a man tell you anything other then how beautiful you look. Walk, or better yet RUN away from the negativity and remember you deserve better then his insecurities and attempts to hold you back and down. Head high and smile. Get out of his grasp.0
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I think my husband is old. I mean, he's 45.
lol... 45 is old? wow.
I'm 41. I married him when he was a hot 31 year old.
LOL....hate to tell ya, then you're old too.
Are you kidding? I'm four years YOUNGER than him.
Also, my kids are three and one, so they're not old enough yet to tell me how out-of-it I am. I have at least three more years of grace.
So you honestly think that because you are a measly 4 years younger then him, that he is old yet you are not?
My husband is 46. I am 39. My husband is far from old. If you feel your husband is old at 45, I hate to say it, you need to add yourself to that bracket as well.
I'm pretty sure she's joking. It's called sarcasm.
Yeah, but to get the full value of the sarcasm, let's review my truly hilarious opening statement. Remember that this is in response to "My boyfriend thinks I'm fat because I'm 5' 4" and 140 pounds:"
"I think my husband is old. I mean, he's 45. He could work out more. And load the dishwasher.
But, seriously? The issue is what *you* think. If *you* think you're unfit and you want to do something about it, then more power to you. Him thinking you're fat is HIS problem that HE needs to resolve. And he needs to do it without hurt you too."
Also, let me point out that *I* don't have ear hair.0 -
Saw an episode of Dr. Phil last week where women were being told by their husbands they were "fat" and ugly. Two refused to have sex with their wives until they lost weight. Dr. Phil said the men were abusers and controllers and had issues of their own to want to abuse a woman in this manner.. The wives were depressed with low self-esteem. He emphasized this was not love and the women did not feel loved. Get rid of this man who wants to control your mind and what you think of yourself.
My husband and I have been married 38 years and he is satisfied with my weight and gray hair! Likewise, I love him and his belly doesn't bother me except I encourage him to lose for his health. I help him by cooking the foods he should eat to lose weight.
This situation will not get any better if you allow him to speak to you in this manner and he learns that it bothers you.0 -
Sounds like you have a couple hundred pounds of excess baggage you can drop right now, and be much better off for it. Kick him to the curb. Never, ever allow someone else to dictate your body image for you. Especially if that someone is in the running to be with you in the long term.
140 pounds is too fat? I'm 5'6 as well, and my goal weight is 145. $#%@ him. You're perfect.
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You are in a toxic relationship and should get out now.
He is trying to control you and make you feel less of yourself because of his insecurities.
Don't let him put you down that way, you deserve a man that will honor and respect for the beautiful woman that you are.
You are at a good weight see the weight chart below.
5'6" small frame 120-133, medium frame 130-144, large frame 140-159
May God Bless you to make the right decision.0 -
I had an ex like that. It started with just little laughter sessions where he'd poke me and laugh at the tiny jiggle. Then it went to not so funny sessions and finally it went to me having to eat only what he deemed fit for me to eat. I weighed about 10 lbs less than I do now and I was wearing size 10 versus the 12-13 I'm in now. His treatment and belittlement of me had me thinking he was right until I realized he wasn't and dumped his *kitten*.
Consider doing the same. The man you're with should think you're the most gorgeous woman on this planet and treat you like the goddess you are. Don't let him dictate how you feel about yourself.0 -
Learn from those that have gone before you! He's not the one!
I was early twenties, 145 lbs, 5'7". He made me feel I was fat. I starved myself on a canned diet powder for weeks to get to 135. It was wrong and not worth it. I couldn't maintain that low weight. He wasn't the one though it would be a bit longer before I realized it.
If he loved you truly this wouldn't even be an issue. Say bye, bye. It's hard, you will suffer but it will be ok in the end.
You are not fat! And I later learned what fat is, haha.0 -
Wow. :noway:
The things people accept from others.0 -
Yes the guy is a jerk, but why tell him your weight in the first place. Does he make you weigh in every day? On a similar note to all women: Don't ask a man if something you are wearing makes you look fat it you aren't prepared for the truth. If you want a lie then you shouldn't ask.
My boyfriend is one of my favorite shopping people - he is flat out honest with me because he knows what areas I HATE on me, and he will tell me when my tummy rubs the front of my shirt a little too much, etc.....
OP - if 5 pounds that means so much to him, maybe he needs to seek counseling..........0
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