My Boyfriend thinks I'm Fat
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You need to lose weight for yourself, not to make your boyfriend happy (sounds like you don't even need to lose weight, by the way). He's being manipulative...or insecure, I'm not sure which. I wouldn't want to stay with a guy who might cheat with a "skinny girl" the second I gained over 5 pounds.0
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My boyfriend thinks I am out of shape and chubby. I am 5'6" and weigh 140 pounds. At 145, he thinks I'm fat, and he can deal with it when I'm 135. Oh the things we do for love...
Is this ok? I'm not sure whether to be upset about or agree with him. Its true i'm not at my most idea weight, but I eat healthy, do yoga all the time, and do the best I can with exercise for having a job that requires me to be sitting 9 hours a day.
I used to be good with how I looked, but he really likes skinny girls and makes me feel like "I look good" is not as adequate as "I look like a sport's illustrated model."
My husband has very similar standards to your boyfriend. When people suggest you might be a 'troll', they think this might be a joke post, because to them, the figures just don't add up: how could someone call YOU fat at THAT weight?
Sadly, my DH (darling husband) did. Not only that, but he prodded the 'fat' bits until I cried. So I tried to lose weight for him: I lost it, and when he was still nasty to me, I gained it all back.
His behaviour was awful, but I'm glad I never considered leaving him over it. Instead, I read Fat is a Feminist Issue and lost the weight for myself.
And he didn't need to see the scales for me to know what weights he found me fat at. Once he said 'You WERE a bit podgy at Christmas,' when I'd been 60kg (132lb), which I blew up at him over, but if I get below about 120lb, he worries I'm too thin, so my window of attractiveness is rather narrow for him.
The good thing is, I know I'm attractive to others when I'm not to him, so it has little effect on my overall self-esteem, but is not good for our relationship.0 -
It makes me sad to read posts like the OP's. My huband has been with me through ups and downs of my weight. When he looks at me, he doesn't see me as overweight or starting to get wrinkles, instead, he still sees the 23 year old woman he fell in love with 23 years ago. I see the same thing when I look at him.
I mean, what happens if you have an accident and end up with scars on your face? Would it be acceptable for him to tell you that you're ugly every single day then, if that's how he feels? And if that were how he felt, would you really want to stay with a man who doesn't find you attractive the way you are, especially when you are within your healthy weight range?0 -
I think I need to try this again...I love my boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him. He has a weakness when it comes to weight, but it most other ways he is a wonderful and supportive man.
I am really open to advice on how to productively move past this. I don't want to continue to feel this way, and so far nothing I have tried has made him realize just how big an effect he is having on my body image. Please, if you have any (productive) ideas for how to approach this and help it hit home with him or at least how to make me less sensitive to it, let me know.
Just because you love someone, it doesn't justify their negative behaviour. Him having a weakness when it comes to weight doesn't justify his actions. I know you love him and I know no one is perfect in this world, but no human being regardless of their own issues should make another person feel this bad about themselves.
From your comments you have mentioned his own issues with weight and obesity (his father). If you really want to make this relationship work then that is the issue that needs to be resolved. Not you losing weight for him. If he really loves you then he will work on his issues. But if he doesn't even acknowledge the problem or want to work on it, then you really need to consider who is giving more to the relationship, because it sounds like you.
On a separate issue, if you feel like you want to lose weight for yourself and to make you feel good about yourself then go for it. But you should never lose weight to seek validation from another person, whatever your size and shape.0 -
You want a "productive" way to show him how he is impacting on your self image?
Show him this entire thread in it *entirety*. That should get a response out of him. It prob won't be the response you want to hear but that's cool. It my help you put your relationship into a healthy perspective.0 -
Lol get rid of his sorry butt before he feeds you more BS that you will get stuck in your mind and think about constantly.
Seems like a real loser if you ask me. Guys really say these things to their girlfriends?!
So glad I'm dating a real man.
This^^
Real men don't say things like that to their girlfriends. If you feel good about yourself, then that's all that matters. But you'll never feel good about yourself because even if you were a steady 120 lbs, your boyfriend sounds like the type of guy that will find something else wrong with you.0 -
OP, I don't care if he is great in every other aspect, if he talks to you like this, he is a POS.
I had an ex who started slowly commenting on my weight, which turned into telling me that his friends made fun of him for dating a fat chick and eventually led to the worst verbal, sexual and physical abuse I could imagine.
Take it from someone who has been there. Stop trying to convince yourself that he is a good guy even though he makes comments about weight.0 -
You want a "productive" way to show him how he is impacting on your self image?
Show him this entire thread in it *entirety*. That should get a response out of him. It prob won't be the response you want to hear but that's cool. It my help you put your relationship into a healthy perspective.
brilliant! I totally agree!0 -
Sounds like he is the only thing you need to lose, you are at a healthy weight!0
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Aren't people you love supposed to make you feel good about yourself? Not do the complete opposite? The only thing you need to lose is his sorry behind!0
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get a new boyfriend0
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Definitely drop the boyfriend.0
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Thought process as i read what you said
1. Maybe you are fat.
2. That's not very nice of him to say that
3. mmm, doesn't sound like you're that fat
4. queue everyone saying "you've got 170lb to lose right now"
5. don't care any more.0 -
I seriously think you should get rid of him. You should never let anyone put you down, the only persons opinion you should listen to is yourself. You deserve so much better, if you feel that you need to lose weight than you should do something about it but do it for yourself. It is the best reward in the world when you achieve your goals for yourself!
At the end of the day if he can not accept you for you than he is an idiot. He probably is only putting you down because he has issues of his own and this is the only way to make himself feel better.0 -
Dump him!! As long as you feel good at a certain weight then thats the weight you should be. If he doesn't like you no matter what weight you are then he isn't worth bothering about.0
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I'm also 5'6 and 140 lbs (I started 30 lbs heavier)...and I by no means think I'm fat! Neither does my boyfriend who is a personal trainer. You boyfriend is their to support you, or at least he's supposed to be. If your happy with the way you are, then he should be. Him calling you names like that is abuse, get out of there!0
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Sounds like you need to lose the boyfriend not the weight. 5'6 140 is a health weight. its my ideal and where I am trying to get back too.0
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Here's a newsflash for each and every woman on this site: NO ONE looks like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, not even the models themselves. There's this magical tool on computers called PhotoShop, and for years magazines and advertisers have been using it to punk us. No one is that thin, no one's boobs are that perky and no one's skin is that perfect. Stop killing yourselves over an ideal that none of us can ever achieve in real life.
Yes, we should all want to be healthy. After all, that is why we are here. But no one should be in a relationship that is based on their size. Why? Well, first off, because people who judge based on size generally tend to be jerks and I'd like to think we all deserve better. But secondly, what happens if you get pregnant and are all of a sudden many pounds more? I used to have a friend who's boyfriend would dump her every time she gained five pounds and then she'd lose the weight and do it all over again. it was pretty unhealthy and she deserved better, especially because she was a beautiful girl who didn't look overweight at all.
I just wouldn't put up with it. You really do deserve better than being treated like a number on a scale by someone who says he loves you.0 -
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Someone very smart and funny and fabulous once said:Just break up!
I couldn't say it better myself. If his opinion of you can be so drastically affected by 5lbs, then does he really love you? I mean, honestly, you need to ask yourself that.
I suspect that you can do far better than this douchecanoe!0 -
Let me be the devil's advocate here:
Everyone here is calling your BF bad names and blah blah blah, but I think he's saying what he feels and what he thinks. He's being honest with you, and you should appreciate that for what it is. If he thinks you're too heavy, than so be it, he's not any less of a good person because of it.
The more important question is if YOU think you're fat? Work with that.0 -
troll post
You're probably right. OMG why do I waste my time replying to so many stupid posts? I've learnt my lesson THANK YOU!!!!!0 -
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Have to agree, he sounds like a jerk. My hubby would NEVER tell me that, even if he thought it. You are 145 lbs. That's not chubby by many means for 5 ft 6 in. At 5 ft 5, I'd kill to be 145 lbs. In fact, 150 is my goal weight. Tell bf to be happy to have a hot mama like you even pay attention to him.
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Tell him his penis is really small, that will put things in prospective for him (two wrong DO make a right)0
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I am 5'6", been with my boyfriend for 2 years. At my heaviest I was around 153, bordering on overweight according to the BMI scale (and no, it definitely wasn't muscle). My boyfriend never said a bad thing about my body. We live in different states so we only get to see each other every few weeks.
Recently I decided to clean up my eating and get more active. I dropped quite a bit of weight really fast. I'm now at 129. When my boyfriend saw me, he was shocked. I asked him if he liked it. He said, "Babe, I've always thought you were hot. Though I'm sad your butt is smaller." I asked him if he found thigh gaps sexy. "What's a thigh gap?"
Anyway I'm rambling but it's comforting to know he really loves me fat or thin. He supports me whether I want to try a new low-cal curry recipe and go for a jog or if I want to sit on the couch and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked while playing video games.
So I think if a guy really loves you for you he would treat you the same.0 -
I don't even think he should be having 'weigh-ins' for you. I mean, are you his prize animal or something?! He has no respect for you, sorry. Kick him to the curb!0
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The man you're with should think you're the most gorgeous woman on this planet and treat you like the goddess you are.
^This^0 -
I think I need to try this again...I love my boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him. He has a weakness when it comes to weight, but it most other ways he is a wonderful and supportive man.
I am really open to advice on how to productively move past this. I don't want to continue to feel this way, and so far nothing I have tried has made him realize just how big an effect he is having on my body image. Please, if you have any (productive) ideas for how to approach this and help it hit home with him or at least how to make me less sensitive to it, let me know.
I have been married 23 years. Love my control freak... I mean hubby! I will warn you now that marrying a control freak should NOT be taken lightly!! It is difficult at times. Weight will not be the only issue. It is such a bone of contention because it is truly the one thing HE cannot control. You have the control and he hates it.
If you are willing to live with this, my advice is to sit him down with the BMI charts and tell him you are happy at this weight. If he is not, he needs to make the decision to leave. If he stays, he keeps his mouth shut about the weight. When and if you decide to lose weight, tell him it will be on your terms and your way. Not up for discussion. it is not his decision. If you are very firm on all of this, it MAY help. Set the ground rules now because it doesn't get any better. Mine started telling me HOW i need to lose. It had to be South BEach. It had to be the elliptical.
As I said, I love my hubby but my weight has been our biggest marital strife. In his defense, I was 230 at my heaviest, not 145 (which is my GOAl at 5'2' so I think your BF is NUTS!!). i know he loves me and is worried about my health. My dad died from obesity related problems. His dad is obese. he has a cousin over 400 pounds. Weight IS a serious issue but not at 145! And those are just excuses. Bottom line, I quit letting him know how much I weigh. Told him it was none of his business. But the constant controlling led me to eating in secret or at work. Then going thru periods of very low cal or every fad diet out there. An hour a day on the elliptical. With 4 kids, I didn't have time for that! He didn't want me to go to the gym.
We are getting to a healthier place. It is because I have really put down my foot and not tolerated his controlling. I also tell him often that he is a control freak and he needs to chill. I refuse to give up my gym time. He is either mellowing in old age or I am gettign tougher. He also sees results so backing off. He prob thinks I will kick his **s with my 175 deadlift!! (Hope to be 185 after tonight!). He didn' like the idea of lifting at first but I perservered. now he is planning to start this Fall.
I guess waht I am saying s if you are in it for the long haul, set the ground rules and stand your ground. Sometimes I have felt it isn't worth the fight but MOST of the time, it IS worth it! When he is good, he is VERY, VERY good! By that, I mean a fabulous father and spiritual leader and family man for BOTH of our parents! We are BOTH still works in progress and change can happen! But it does take WORK!! Good Luck!0
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