When someone can't have kids

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  • Julzanne72
    Julzanne72 Posts: 467 Member
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    Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?

    Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?

    I think it should be brought up way before 6 months.

    ^^^^^This....I am engaged and 41, and prior to meeting my fiance I would have never even thought of having another child(I have 3, he has 2), i haven't had my tubes tied, but he had a vasectomy, we have talked at great length about the possiblity of having it reversed, because, I think when you love someone it is normal to have a child with them. We talked about this before we got engaged, and we are seriously considering it. We figure if he does reverse it and it happens naturally then it was something that we were meant to share.
  • cmcollins001
    cmcollins001 Posts: 3,472 Member
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    *HI FIVES* for no more kids!!!

    QFT
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
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    Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.

    I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:

    Um duh. You have another man already. He's jealous, anything that comes from his mouth is invalid. Don't even bother yourself with pondering his thoughts.
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
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    Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.

    I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:
    honey why are you listening to your ex? if you have been open and honest with the man you are dating its up to the both you if you want to marry or not! disregard him and his stone age ways.
  • pawnstarNate
    pawnstarNate Posts: 1,728 Member
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    Your ex is just throwing that at you like a rock and hoping it will hurt you. That is all he is doing. There are plenty of guys out there that do not want children or more children. There are those that already have one and an ex. You just do what you gotta do. But, on your new adventures with the guys....That kind of thing must be brought up once there is the hint of chemistry between you.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.

    I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:

    Um duh. You have another man already. He's jealous, anything that comes from his mouth is invalid. Don't even bother yourself with pondering his thoughts.
    It is known.
  • StarChanger
    StarChanger Posts: 605 Member
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    and honestly, in my opinion, and dont take offense please, permanant sterilization is so unnecessary, there are so many other things you can do to prevent pregnancy besides that.

    This is true however, in her case, pregnancy is actually life-threatening. If a doctor ever tells you that you SHOULDN'T have any more kids, due to medical reasons, you should take that advice....it's never, ever given lightly.
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
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    I have a hubby that many women would LOVE to have (tall, built, employed, super-supportive, cooks, cleans, etc. He's not PERFECT, but he's pretty perfect for me!) and we DON'T have kids. He WANTED a woman who DIDN'T want kids (which is why he worked for me...among other things). Now, 17 years later....still going strong.

    Your soon-to-be ex is an idiot. MANY men would love to have a woman who is not going to bring any more mouths to feed (obviously, you already have a couple...and he probably will too!).

    And bottom line is that you CAN still have kids. You just need to get in vitro fertilization. Wouldn't cost you much more than a "tubal-reversal" (which often do NOT work...don't waste your money) but if you met the perfect guy and you both decided you really wanted more kids....you can still have them. There's nothing wrong with your uterus or ovaries....

    There is something wrong with my uterus and cervix, that is why I chose to get my tubes tied. I'm great at getting pregnant, but not good at being pregnant. I had 3 classical c-sections in less than 3 years (classical means that I was cut from belly button to crotch). My first one was with twins who were born 17 weeks too early because I have an incompetent cervix and my water broke. They ended up dying at 1 and 2 days old. My 2nd one was 11 months after my 1st one and I had my son at 34 weeks because of preeclampsia and HELLP. Then my 3rd was 22 months later and my uterus ruptured. It literally split open and both my son and I almost died. When I got my last c-section I had plans to get my tubes tied which my entire pregnancy my doctor was against. When my uterine rupture happened he was like "Yeah, you can't do this anymore. Your body cannot handle being pregnant again."

    All in all though, I'm pretty lucky to have found someone that doesn't mind that I made a responsible choice to end my baby making days!
    you made a smart decision to be there for the child you still have. so sorry for your loss.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    and honestly, in my opinion, and dont take offense please, permanant sterilization is so unnecessary, there are so many other things you can do to prevent pregnancy besides that.

    So?

    Maybe some of us would rather not have to be on artificial hormones for years and don't want to deal with condoms while in a long-term, monogomous relationship and know for certain we do not want more (or any) children.

    You don't have to undergo the procedure, but I'm not sorry I did it.
  • Jennloella
    Jennloella Posts: 2,287 Member
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    I do not think it would be hard for you to find a man that was at the point in his life he didn't want any more kids either. Either already has some or just never wanted any. During breakups people say things purely to hurt the other person.
  • marywanoKC
    marywanoKC Posts: 176
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    Sorry, this is going to be really blunt, but **** him.

    I'm not willing to have kids, and neither is my husband of 11 years. We got married really young, and hadn't had time to find out what exactly we wanted out of life, and thankfully we've discovered together that kids isn't part of what we do want.

    Yes, you will have difficulty maintaining a relationship with someone who wants kids.

    BUT

    Those people are NOT for you. YOU only have ONE life, and if YOU do not DEEPLY want to kids, NO ONE should make you feel badly about that. If you are with someone who needs to shame you or coerce you into reproducing, then they are NOT who you need to be with.

    There are a lot of people out there who are opting to go against the social and societal norm and not have children, and we apparently happen to be some of the first in this movement. But you are in no way obligated to contribute your 2.5 kids just because that's what everyone else is doing.

    Be upfront with someone when you begin dating and let them know that kids aren't for you. If they can't deal, then move on. Don't feel badly.
    ETA: Oh, wait, I thought this was a recent breakup, but you already have a new guy that is okay with all of this? Yeah, don't listen to the ex. Jesus. I don't even know why this is an issue, then. You're handling your business.
  • RockinTerri
    RockinTerri Posts: 499 Member
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    there is always adoption as an option for couples that can not have kids of their own. I have several friends that have adopted.

    ^^This^^

    When my now husband and I were dating, we discussed kids at about the 3 month mark, and planned to have children of our own, figuring 2-3 years after we were married. Sadly, less than a year after we were married, I began having infertility issues (fibroids, endometriosis, blocked tubes, twisted ovaries, adhesions that built up on organs), and 3 1/2 years after we said I do, I had a hysterectomy (after 5 prior surgeries to correct the problems I had). The following fall, we looked into adoption. Six years later, we brought home our daughter. We're currently in the process of hopefully adopting another child.

    My point is, whether it's someone you just met or someone you've been with for a long time, if you decide to have any more children, adoption is a road you can go down.
  • CheekyBrahette
    CheekyBrahette Posts: 441 Member
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    Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

    Aw how sweet. Someone has their judgy pants on today.
  • Candi_land
    Candi_land Posts: 1,311 Member
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    Due to a cancer scare several months ago I had to have my left fallopian tube and ovary removed. My chances of ever having a biological child of my own are very slim. I'm not ready to settle down and start dating anyone seriously yet, but should I ever get to that point I will probably stick with men whom are a little older with children of their own from previous relationships.

    With that being said, I think your future ex is just being a douche.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    It depends on the guy, honestly. If they have never had kids, usually they want one, but not always. And if they already have kids, they usually don't want more.

    I think you'll be alright. Your future ex-husband is a *kitten*!

    Best of luck! :flowerforyou:
  • NinjadURbacon
    NinjadURbacon Posts: 395 Member
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    To be honest

    Some men dont care. But you already have 2 kids, so a man has to be ok with kids right off the bat which could lowers your options in your 20s.


    it may just limit your field of men. Men who want kids of their own are in your age bracket right now.
    There are men out there who would be happy just being a step father to your kids (if you plan to marry).
  • dropdeadgreggie_
    dropdeadgreggie_ Posts: 166 Member
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    I had a vasectomy, lets hook up.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
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    All real men want children.

    Wait. Maybe that's not right?

    All real men don't want children.

    Okay, maybe that's not right either?

    Anyone know of a third choice that may put the OP's mind at rest?

    *thinking is so hard*

    Wait! Wait! I have it.

    Different men want different things, maybe?

    Naw, couldn't be . . .
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    All real men want children.

    Wait. Maybe that's not right?

    All real men don't want children.

    Okay, maybe that's not right either?

    Anyone know of a third choice that may put the OP's mind at rest?

    *thinking is so hard*

    Wait! Wait! I have it.

    Different men want different things, maybe?

    Naw, couldn't be . . .
    Just admit you're autobots and move on.
  • amluvstld
    amluvstld Posts: 212
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    I think it depends on the guy. I have found that at my age, most guys already have kids of their own. So between mine, and theirs, there are more than enough to go around. My shop isn't officially closed, but I think that I am content with the three little ones I already have. Not saying that if I meet someone and settle down again, I wouldn't consider having one more, but it's unlikely.

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