Skinny girl and her obese boyfriend

septemberrr
septemberrr Posts: 10
in Health and Weight Loss
Hi there,

I'm not sure if this is a proper channel to seek advice, but I'm really at my wit's ends now :(

I'm a naturally skinny girl (both my parents are skinny) with a voracious appetite. I am in a long term relationship with this guy, B, who unfortunately does not share my good genes. He is 6" and 196 pounds, and 28 years old.

I love this man to bits but I worry constantly for his health as I understand the risks that obesity carries. He is a big guy, with a large paunch and huge thighs, and he loves his food and beer. He easily downs 4-5 pints of beer a day on the weekend, plus 1/3 bottle of whisky.

He does run though, perhaps for 30-40 min once or twice a week. His job sees him standing about 7 hours a day.

He has put on about 20 pounds in recent months, and he gets very annoyed when I tell him that he needs to get back into shape by adopting a healthier diet, i.e cutting out carbs and deep fried food. He doesn't binge on the fried stuff regularly, but he loves his carbs.

The ideal situation: I'd like to have him cut half his carb intake, and to only have deep fried food/red meat just once a week. And of course, reduce his booze intake by half as well (this is the hardest part as we both love our alcohol).

We often get into fights whenever I tick him off about his weight, and he goes into 100% defensive mode such as "You're eating as much as I am, why are you restricting me?", or "I like my weight, you can't do anything about it".

I have tried other methods such as suggesting that we go through this as a couple, with me eating whatever he eats, and I have offered to cook him lunch thrice a week to take to work, but he is still extremely stubborn and well, in denial.

Is there anyone facing a similar prob? How can I broach this topic again without offending him? Do note that I have tried many ways including 1) Blowing my top and threatening him (didn't work at all; got even worse), 2) The soft approach ("please let me help you", "I really care for you and I want you to be healthy") and 3) The Its Your F*cking Health ("If you don't eat healthy you WILL DIE YOUNG")
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Replies

  • Mcgrawhaha
    Mcgrawhaha Posts: 1,596 Member
    6 ft tall and 196 doesnt seem too obese to me. my husband is 6 foot 2 and 220, and hes built nicely.
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
    Is 6" and 196 pounds obese?

    I checked, that's barely overweight. (Bmi of 25.8) and depending on muscle mass and such...you might need to calm down.
  • snazzyjazzy21
    snazzyjazzy21 Posts: 1,298 Member
    You can't make him do anything, especially if he's happy the way he is. You're naturally skinny? That's great but it doesn't make you any healthier than him, thin ≠ healthy. Perhaps if you made changes to your diet, he might too, especially if you share meals together.
  • besaro
    besaro Posts: 1,858 Member
    its sweet you care, but either love him for who he is, where he is, or move on.
  • determinedbutlazy
    determinedbutlazy Posts: 1,941 Member
    Yep, he's literally 0.8 over a healthy BMI, come on.
  • thefragile7393
    thefragile7393 Posts: 102 Member
    its sweet you care, but either love him for who he is, where he is, or move on.
    Precisely. My ex was 5'11 and pushing 300 pounds...nothing I did worked. Only now did I learn what the previous poster quoted above said (he had other issues but still...in a relationship in general, the above is true). I agree that 6" and in the 190s isn't really obese....I wish my ex had been that light.
  • septemberrr
    septemberrr Posts: 10
    Hi all!

    Hmm obese may be a little strong a word - perhaps overweight might be a better description on hindsight.

    I know i should accept him fr what he is, and I do (i like my men chunky and that's what attracted me in the first place), but he has really piled on the pounds since we met five years ago, and his paunch is getting scary. He even rests his arm on his tummy while seated sometimes! I am really afraid that it may adversely affect his health.
  • ElsaVonMarmalade
    ElsaVonMarmalade Posts: 154 Member
    He's not obese. He's barely overweight according to the CDC's BMI chart - not a perfect measure, but there it is.

    Here's the thing: Fat people know they are fat. And they know where to find information about how to be less fat. You bringing it up does nothing but hurt his feelings. NOTHING but hurt his feelings. I suggest that you learn to live with it or go find someone who fits your image of good health.
  • ostrichagain
    ostrichagain Posts: 271 Member
    EDIT - looks like we posted at the same time, so I think this is now redundant and unhelpful.

    Mine is 6'4" and 250. His BMI is obese, but he's actually just muscular like a viking! Men do not liked to be nagged (really, who does). Let him make his own decisions and you can accept it and love him anyway or move on. I don't mean that in a snarky way, I'm just saying there isn't much you can do to make people change. They have to want it for themselves and for their own reasons.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    He's not obese, he's marginally overweight.

    The best thing you can do is try to figure out why you equate thinness with health.

    And maybe stop trolling, cause I have no ideal how this would happen in real life without him walking you out to the curb.

    Also, ain't nothing wrong with carbs.
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
    Hi all!

    Hmm obese may be a little strong a word - perhaps overweight might be a better description on hindsight.

    I know i should accept him fr what he is, and I do (i like my men chunky and that's what attracted me in the first place), but he has really piled on the pounds since we met five years ago, and his paunch is getting scary. He even rests his arm on his tummy while seated sometimes! I am really afraid that it may adversely affect his health.

    He is barely overweight and if you thought he was chunky when he was 20 pounds lighter and in the middle of the healthy weight range I think your perception might just be skewed.
  • KinzieElise
    KinzieElise Posts: 584 Member
    I have to agree with pretty much all the replies. He's barely overweight and skinny doesn't equal healthy. Perhaps if you want him to be healthier you should start with yourself, which you might have done since you're on MFP in the first place. If nothing else you might realize that carbs are not the enemy. Also, stop nagging. Honestly, that is the absolute worst thing to do to someone who is/might be sensitive about their weight already. I know my immediate reaction is to get super defensive and closed off whenever anyone mentions my weight or my need to lose weight.
  • septemberrr
    septemberrr Posts: 10
    I recognise that he feels annoyed at being nagged at, but I really wish i could do something for him. I mean, is it really too paranoid of me to equate his weight with health? I'm getting inundated with "findings" that go "A beer belly increases heart disease by two folds" etc, and it scares me to think that one day he might get a heart attack and die at 35 or something.

    I admit i've also said some unpleasant words about his looks hoping it might knock him awake and i do regret that.

    Anyhow, thanks for all the harsh words. I guess i really need to take a step back.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    I mean, is it really too paranoid of me to equate his weight with health?

    Yes. 100% yes. Particularly if he otherwise has no health issues.
    I guess i really need to take a step back.

    If you actually love him and not want him to leave you, yes.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Maybe think about how you'd feel if he insisted you gain a couple pounds because he's worried you're too thin... by being cruel and nasty.

    Would that motivate you?
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
    I recognise that he feels annoyed at being nagged at, but I really wish i could do something for him. I mean, is it really too paranoid of me to equate his weight with health? I'm getting inundated with "findings" that go "A beer belly increases heart disease by two folds" etc, and it scares me to think that one day he might get a heart attack and die at 35 or something.

    I admit i've also said some unpleasant words about his looks hoping it might knock him awake and i do regret that.

    Anyhow, thanks for all the harsh words. I guess i really need to take a step back.

    Please stop saying harsh words to your beau about his weight. It's hurtful, and from what you describe he is not obese.

    You are the one who needs to change, not him. Besides, you can't make another person change.

    I have a beau who is overweight, I've been with him for eight years, and I would never think of saying a word about his weight. That's his business. My job is to love him the way he is. However, if he asks for weight loss advice, I share my experience with him but I don't tell him what to do.
  • BattleTaxi
    BattleTaxi Posts: 752 Member
    OP should be thankful her BF hasn't dumped her superficial bum for someone better.
  • Mcgrawhaha
    Mcgrawhaha Posts: 1,596 Member
    ok, now i think your a troll... and if your not, he should get far far away... quick! your perception of health is off track.
  • TribeHokie
    TribeHokie Posts: 711 Member
    He's not obese. He's barely overweight according to the CDC's BMI chart - not a perfect measure, but there it is.

    Here's the thing: Fat people know they are fat. And they know where to find information about how to be less fat. You bringing it up does nothing but hurt his feelings. NOTHING but hurt his feelings. I suggest that you learn to live with it or go find someone who fits your image of good health.

    This exactly. If I were with someone who treated me the way you say you have and who felt like they had the right to set my goal carb/alcohol/red meat intake I would be out the door so fast it would make your head spin.
  • CMB1979
    CMB1979 Posts: 588 Member
    A guess a big booty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm 5'9" and 179 lbs (down from 265) and my elementary school students call me "pig" because, here in Korea, a 5'9" guy may weigh around 125-135 lbs. If you don't like the way he looks and it's too much for you to handle, move on and let him find someone who can handle it - literally.
  • septemberrr
    septemberrr Posts: 10
    I'm not a troll! I'm just someone who is truly concerned for her man's health and hoping to get a perceptive from a third person's (or in this case, the public's) POV.

    I never knew it hurt that much to be told that one needs to re-think one's diet. In fact I thought he'd be glad that someone is showing him that much concern.
  • kyleekay10
    kyleekay10 Posts: 1,812 Member
    Okay, before we all go trashing OP can we at least recognize she said she needs to take a step back? That's progress.

    I agree her perception is skewed, but at least she's not pulling the "omg you guys are mean I came here for support" card. She's taking advice into consideration.

    OP, by now you know your man is not obese and that nagging doesn't help. Lead by example. If that doesn't work and he reaches a point where his health is a legitimate concern, then reconsider taking action. But, I would bet if you simply start asking him to do fun activities with you and if you start cooking meals at home for you two (without making it obvious they are super healthy) everything will fall into place.

    But remember overall, looks fade. Love him for who he is. Again, at this point there is no cause for concern regarding his health.
  • princessrisariri
    princessrisariri Posts: 162 Member
    1) try get him to cut his carbs, but NOT the meat.
    Just this one thing, see how low he can get it in a day almost like it is a challenge.
    Log it for him, or get him in the habit of sing MFP and not lying to it.

    If he copes fine with this, then how about trying him on a keto diet. Eat mainly fatty meat, cheese, butter, cream basically all those 'fat' foods you think are bad for you etc, few dark green veg on the side, almost zero carbs. Don't even have to count calories at first, just again let him get used to that. He will probs feel fuller more and eat less. See if you can get him to start doing weight lifting to build up muscle to burn off extra cals at rest.

    So after used to that, then start calorie counting as well as keto diet.

    Each step is little, and he doesnt have to cut down on or give up one of the foods he loves so won't see it as having no pleasure.

    Sell it as the bacon and cheese diet, he'll love the sound of that and its pretty damn accurate and crazy as it sounds, it works and burns fat like nothing else.

    You could even try it yourself, just make sure you count cals and are eating enough to not lose weight. It will also set you up well for starting to do lifting if you want to 'tone' up a bit
  • TheRealParisLove
    TheRealParisLove Posts: 1,907 Member
    Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.
  • peeaanuut
    peeaanuut Posts: 359 Member
    i would like to see a picture to see how obese this fella is. I do agree that consuming large amounts of beer and whiskey can be unhealthy but its all relative. You seem more concerned that he is getting fatter and not that he might have a drinking problem or some other problem.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,346 Member
    I recognise that he feels annoyed at being nagged at, but I really wish i could do something for him. I mean, is it really too paranoid of me to equate his weight with health? I'm getting inundated with "findings" that go "A beer belly increases heart disease by two folds" etc, and it scares me to think that one day he might get a heart attack and die at 35 or something.

    I admit i've also said some unpleasant words about his looks hoping it might knock him awake and i do regret that.

    Anyhow, thanks for all the harsh words. I guess i really need to take a step back.

    I bet stress from being nagged and insulted is far more likely to cause health issues than being 0.8 above a healthy BMI.
  • snazzyjazzy21
    snazzyjazzy21 Posts: 1,298 Member

    Sell it as the bacon and cheese diet, he'll love the sound of that and its pretty damn accurate and crazy as it sounds, it works and burns fat like nothing else.

    zoomout_zps0f8f5d70.gif
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
    Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.

    This isn't the forum for that.
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
    1) try get him to cut his carbs, but NOT the meat.
    Just this one thing, see how low he can get it in a day almost like it is a challenge.
    Log it for him, or get him in the habit of sing MFP and not lying to it.

    If he copes fine with this, then how about trying him on a keto diet. Eat mainly fatty meat, cheese, butter, cream basically all those 'fat' foods you think are bad for you etc, few dark green veg on the side, almost zero carbs. Don't even have to count calories at first, just again let him get used to that. He will probs feel fuller more and eat less. See if you can get him to start doing weight lifting to build up muscle to burn off extra cals at rest.

    So after used to that, then start calorie counting as well as keto diet.

    Each step is little, and he doesnt have to cut down on or give up one of the foods he loves so won't see it as having no pleasure.

    Sell it as the bacon and cheese diet, he'll love the sound of that and its pretty damn accurate and crazy as it sounds, it works and burns fat like nothing else.

    You could even try it yourself, just make sure you count cals and are eating enough to not lose weight. It will also set you up well for starting to do lifting if you want to 'tone' up a bit

    Her boyfriend is about...6 pounds overweight. He could poop his way back to normal. He doesn't need to cut carbs or anything else.
  • kyleekay10
    kyleekay10 Posts: 1,812 Member
    Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.

    About 12 beers and 8 oz of Whiskey spread over 2 days (assuming by weekend she meant Saturday and Sunday) doesn't sound awful for a dude his size, especially if he's young. Sounds like a typical twenty something year old.

    Of course, I'm 22, newly single and just now discovering bars. Could be biased I suppose. :P

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