Skinny girl and her obese boyfriend
Replies
-
Carbs will NOT kill him. Ironically, the booze might (and I say that as a drinker).
You seriously check he's still breathing in the night? Can I suggest you might be the one who needs behaviour modification?
Just once every couple of months though, so no need for behaviour mod.. for now!0 -
Cut him lose. He deserves to be happy and it sounds like you're a miserable partner.0
-
A) whoa. Seriously. Relax.
two whole drumsticks? Geezus
Agree with this, yikes.
What's changed in the past months? The engagement? New job? Why did he gain so suddenly?
Regardless, your panic will not help things, and boundaries, and communication, and yikes.
(fyi was not advocating stealth lunches, was just saying, if they were going to happen, buddy should at least enjoy them)0 -
I think you missed the major point -- she said they are Japanese and so she may be measuring him by a smaller BMI (Japan's average BMI is 22.5!). My friend from Japan has a BMI of 16. She's a twig! However, she doesn't look unhealthy, so I guess she has small bones. Anyway, if you get used to people being super thin -- six pounds overweight can look big.
That said -- you can't force anyone to lose weight. You can cook healthier food and ask them to go on walks with you or work out with you, but that's as far as you can go without being controlling and weird. Good luck!0 -
Men don't like a nag. For your relationship's sake, you should stop.
You can't make people eat better either, that's on them.0 -
You should love him the way he is or you'll be losing 196 pounds.0
-
If my husband cooked for me and only gave me half a potato, after telling me numerous times how fat I'm getting, I'd throw an actual fit. You can't just screw with a person's potato.
:laugh: :happy: :happy: I would be exactly the same, someone handed me a meal with half a potato I'd flip, majorly! Saying that with the harsh words and nagging about the weight I'd be long gone by now anyway.0 -
I have to agree with pretty much all the replies. He's barely overweight and skinny doesn't equal healthy. Perhaps if you want him to be healthier you should start with yourself, which you might have done since you're on MFP in the first place. If nothing else you might realize that carbs are not the enemy. Also, stop nagging. Honestly, that is the absolute worst thing to do to someone who is/might be sensitive about their weight already. I know my immediate reaction is to get super defensive and closed off whenever anyone mentions my weight or my need to lose weight.
I agree with this. If you value fitness and a healthy lifestyle, pursue it yourself and let him know that if he wants to, he can join you any time he likes. Forcing him or shouting at him will not work, and he is bound to get defensive if you approach it in that sort of way. Without trying to sound harsh, though, his weight is none of your business whether you're concerned for his health or not. Loving him means supporting him and encouraging him, not telling him what you think is best for him. If you demonstrate a good example by being diligent with your health and fitness habits, maybe he will be inspired and decide to follow suit. If not, accepting him for who he is will be less stressful for both of you.
I'm not a hypochondriac. I do however harbour an unhealthy paranoia, and that is that he'd die prematurely. I even wake up in the middle of the night to check on his breathing, haha. And I guess that forms the root of my problems - I don't care how he looks like (though hey, I wouldnt mind a smaller paunch on him!), and I just want to ensure that his health is optimal and not besieged by myriad of problems in his later years due to his bad choice of diet in his younger days. I hope that sounds fair. We're getting married next year, so naturally I'd want a long-lived marriage!
That is your issue, not his. Please don't push that onto him. Your boyfriend is actually in the normal-slightly overweight range. Perhaps cognitive therapy would be useful to you, because it sounds like you have a lot of distorted thoughts about health that will, if you continue down this path, push him away from you.I never knew it hurt that much to be told that one needs to re-think one's diet. In fact I thought he'd be glad that someone is showing him that much concern.
You aren't merely telling him to rethink his diet, you said you have used the 'threatening approach' and also said things about his body that you regret. That's very different to encouraging him to eat healthier, or setting an example yourself. I have also had my partner do the same thing to me that you're doing to yours, and it was humiliating, and it didn't make me want to get up and try at all. It ground me down into the floor. Read 'Feeling Good' or 'Feeling Good Together' (For Couples) by David Burns, it's a good cognitive therapy book and it will help you to communicate better with your partner.0 -
Give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't hit it, go for an upgrade.
Kidding!
The only behaviour we can change is our own. x0 -
You're too skinny. He could find someone better than you.0
-
Some people are wider build. Like my husband he's wider build so he's seems "fat" but he does have a beer belly. I tried to get him to do some exercise in the past few weeks but he refuse (main he's been having a bit problem with he's sinus) so I started doing sits-ups at home and exercise and few days ago he said to me he'll start doing it
So my point is start doing it yourself and maybe he'll follow you 0 -
He's a healthy weight. However the amount of fat he is carrying might not please you.
- you can dump him,
- you can accept him,
- you can try to change him and see how that goes.
I would not accept someone telling me what I can or cannot eat - I left my mother's home at the age of 17, learned pretty good eating habits and am not intersted in having another mother, sitter or trainer at home.
There is absolutely no need to drop carbs.0 -
1) try get him to cut his carbs, but NOT the meat.
Just this one thing, see how low he can get it in a day almost like it is a challenge.
Log it for him, or get him in the habit of sing MFP and not lying to it.
If he copes fine with this, then how about trying him on a keto diet. Eat mainly fatty meat, cheese, butter, cream basically all those 'fat' foods you think are bad for you etc, few dark green veg on the side, almost zero carbs. Don't even have to count calories at first, just again let him get used to that. He will probs feel fuller more and eat less. See if you can get him to start doing weight lifting to build up muscle to burn off extra cals at rest.
So after used to that, then start calorie counting as well as keto diet.
Each step is little, and he doesnt have to cut down on or give up one of the foods he loves so won't see it as having no pleasure.
Sell it as the bacon and cheese diet, he'll love the sound of that and its pretty damn accurate and crazy as it sounds, it works and burns fat like nothing else.
You could even try it yourself, just make sure you count cals and are eating enough to not lose weight. It will also set you up well for starting to do lifting if you want to 'tone' up a bit
Hi, thanks for this! It actually sounds do-able. I was actually planning to start cooking him meals healthy lunches based on grilled chicken or baked fish and just vegetables, with perhaps half a potato with a little butter. Does that sound realistic?
I just stuck up for you on page 1. Please don't go back to actively trying to force him into anything. :grumble:
If my husband cooked for me and only gave me half a potato, after telling me numerous times how fat I'm getting, I'd throw an actual fit. You can't just screw with a person's potato.
:laugh: That's what I was thinking!0 -
Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.
Great, as well as nagging him to death because deep down the OP doesn't want to be seen out with a lardy (concerns about his health my bottom) we are going to wheel him off to AA too?
It's a wonder he doesn't drink MORE in the face of all this, I feel sorry for him.0 -
Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.
This isn't the forum for that.
I don't think I understand this. This lady is complaining about her boyfriend's bad habits. No one addressed what I thought was the most obvious. She did mention it, after all.
She meant MFP isn't the place to diagnose alcoholism. I addressed it, though. Quoted below. :flowerforyou:Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.
About 12 beers and 8 oz of Whiskey spread over 2 days (assuming by weekend she meant Saturday and Sunday) doesn't sound awful for a dude his size, especially if he's young. Sounds like a typical twenty something year old.
Of course, I'm 22, newly single and just now discovering bars. Could be biased I suppose. :P
Summed it up for me. If someone had written a post about my drinking habits five years ago I would have been branded a budding alcoholic. I wasn't (I rarely drink now, once a month if that.) I was just enjoying all the booze the world had to offer. Frequently. :drinker:
Me too! :ohwell: When we were younger, we worked hard during the week & partied harder during the weekend (high stress job at Emergency 24 hour Veterinary Hospital)...these days it's called 'binge drinking'....back in the day, it was called responsible :laugh:0 -
I don't think we're alcoholic. We can easily go through the entire week booze-free, and then knock back perhaps 2 or 3 pints each per night on friday and saturday, OR (not AND) 6-7 glasses of whisky with a splash of water.
Uh yeah that is nothing. That is like pregaming before going to the bar. When he is putting down 12+ beers himself in a night THEN you might could say something.0 -
A guess a big booty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm 5'9" and 179 lbs (down from 265) and my elementary school students call me "pig" because, here in Korea, a 5'9" guy may weigh around 125-135 lbs. If you don't like the way he looks and it's too much for you to handle, move on and let him find someone who can handle it - literally.
I know this feel, I live in Japan and I am the height of an average Japanese man, and about 15-20kg heavier. Students have commented often on me being fat.
We're Japanese, and my bf is a GIANT amongst the little people
OOHHHHHH!!!! Okay. Now I understand. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I'm an American, but I lived in Japan for several years and yes, your boyfriend is obese by Japanese medical standards. All of my expat friends and I got a kick out of always being labeled "metabo" by our doctors no matter what kind of shape we were in. Even marathon runner friends were metabo by those standards.
Look, there is little you are going to do to be able to change him. Cook meals like you suggested and make healthy food available, but be patient.
My guess is that he would benefit by some weight training.0 -
NM0
-
I am no expert, but I think that the nagging and focusing on his weight probably damage his confidence and force him to be more defiant about losing weight. I suggest taking a softer approach and leading by example. Make it fun by suggesting a healthy restaurant or a fun activity like hiking or something. People in love tend to see themselves through each other's eyes, so although your heart is in the right place, you may be bringing him down a bit. Also, his height and weight sound pretty normal to me, but everyone's body composition varies.0
-
People, I think you're missing the point - they're Japanese. She's obviously judging him by Japanese standards, not Western ones. And from an East Asian point of view, her man may very well be "fat".
That being said, you can never change a person's habits. Maybe try to cook healthier at home but do feed him enough or he'll resent you for trying to starve him. Half a potato is not enough, really. Suggest some physical exercise you could do together? And stop nagging (ann for your own sake, stop worrying. Paranoia will take years off YOUR life).0 -
People, I think you're missing the point - they're Japanese. She's obviously judging him by Japanese standards, not Western ones. And from an East Asian point of view, her man may very well be "fat".
That being said, you can never change a person's habits. Maybe try to cook healthier at home but do feed him enough or he'll resent you for trying to starve him. Half a potato is not enough, really. Suggest some physical exercise you could do together? And stop nagging (ann for your own sake, stop worrying. Paranoia will take years off YOUR life).
He's 6 foot tall, so about 6 inches taller than the average Japanese male. If she's judging him by those standards she should probably stop because he's unlikely to make them. Even when he was 20 pounds lighter she viewed him as chunky, so it's pretty clear he's never going to meet her idea of "normal"0 -
He must have very minimal "lbm" to be obese at a solid 6ft and 196lb.0
-
Hi all!
Hmm obese may be a little strong a word - perhaps overweight might be a better description on hindsight.
I know i should accept him fr what he is, and I do (i like my men chunky and that's what attracted me in the first place), but he has really piled on the pounds since we met five years ago, and his paunch is getting scary. He even rests his arm on his tummy while seated sometimes! I am really afraid that it may adversely affect his health.
Sorry but I don't think being 6 feet tall and weighing 196 pounds is overweight. My god: my son must be morbidly obese in your mind because he is 6foot 5 inches tall and weight about 245 lbs. Hmmmm..................0 -
OP should be thankful her BF hasn't dumped her superficial bum for someone better.
Bingo folks: we have a winner!!!0 -
You can encourage him to lose weight, eat better, etc. But its his body and his choice. If he's happy the way he is, he's happy the way he is.
Maintaining/losing/gaining weight is a hard thing for some people, and some people simply are happy with themselves. Your boyfriend does not sound very overweight as others have said.
As an obese girl with a naturally skinny and underweight boyfriend, I can't imagine what it would feel like if my partner was unhappy with me and always pressuring me to change my habits. It seems more than jusy you encouraging him to be healthy. It seems like you are trying to control his life and body to fit your desires. I would be devastated, and I would certainly be looking for a new partner.0 -
I do kind of get this - my husband isn't overweight (he only wears a 32" waist trouser, size S-M) but he's naturally built very slim and since we've been living together, he has grown a bit of a tummy (perfectly willing to accept that this is in part my fault!). He also never exercises... :noway: I think it's the change that seems to be the issue with you guys rather than the weight itself.
It sounds like it's a bit of a communication thing in your case - we discuss getting healthy together and he knows he's put on weight. To help him, I do all the cooking and he quickly loses weight if I prepare healthy dinners and occasionally lunches. But do stop nagging him!0 -
If my husband cooked for me and only gave me half a potato, after telling me numerous times how fat I'm getting, I'd throw an actual fit. You can't just screw with a person's potato.
[/quote]
This had me rolling. lol lol lol.0 -
I have to agree with those that are saying that the focus on the BMI is stupid. It's a terrible measure of fitness. If he has a huge gut and thighs at his height and weight, he is obviously in a situation where he has very little lean muscle mass and a lot of fat. Running for 30 minutes twice a week and standing at work aren't going to do anything at all for that. A 200 lb guy is going to burn maybe a 1000 calories running that much in a week. A can of beer a day wipes that out.
The OP needs to consider if this guy is "the guy" for her and decide if she can live with who he is. Since she said that he has put on 20 lbs recently, that means that she was originally attracted to him at 176 lbs.....not 196 lbs. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know that they aren't taking care of themselves and that you consider it a problem, particularly if they aren't married. If he throws a conniption fit and tells her that she just has to accept him for who he is, she then needs to ask herself if she wants to be dating a guy that weighs 250 lbs, because it sounds like he is probably heading that way. Maybe his personality is so great that she doesn't give a damn.
Talking to someone about their weight is a tricky subject and I've dealt with that when it comes to my wife and you have to be tactful in how you handle it. In the OP's situation, the guy has changed how he looks in short order and she has a right to say something, but she has to realize that it could end the relationship. Personally, if my wife had gained 20 lbs in a few months after we started dating.......she wouldn't be my wife. She did gain about 30 lbs in the 16 years that we've been married and that is unfortunately fairly normal and something that I don't stress about (although I do encourage her to be healthier). She finally discovered biking again and has lost 12 lbs this summer and is feeling better about herself. Again, the OP needs to look at the big picture on the guy, imagine him at 250 lbs and decide if that is something she can be happy about. If not, she needs to find a tactful way to deal with it. Maybe the bacon and cheese diet is the way to go (I might need to look into that!) but there is no need to be unhappy just so you can say you are in a relationship and physical attraction is a fair component in the equation.0 -
Don't need to cut carbs when dieting at all however he needs to do this for himself not you so until he decides enough is enough then you will be stuck with him but if you love him you won't be a ***** to him about it and actually stay with him.0
-
He is a feather over the healthy range at 196, 6' tall and 28 years.
There's probably nothing wrong with his diet.
I would buy him the NROL book. Dudes are great at taking hints vs. nagging in general.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 427 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions