what would YOU do ?

My aunt is like this. She has a HUGE problem with eating. And when I mean huge I mean she can't fit through doors and has to be lifted off planes in a forklift. She cant even walk anymore. Her whole body is shutting down because she is way way way to large. But sadly she thinks the way to fit it is eating around 20-30 (no jokes) vitamin supplements, eating protein shakes and flavoured milks etc between meals, and then eat huge meals. She is really tall - around 6 ft, and probably weighs 300kgs (650 ish pounds). There is honestly nothing I or anyone else can do. People have talked to her over and over over the years, but nothing changes. She knows she is dying and she is the only one who can stop that, yet she cant. Shes 50 and will probably be dead in a couple of years. Its heartbreaking.

I have 2 brothers who are in good shape and have never been overweight. I on the other hand am the obese sister. One of the things I love about them is that they have respected me enough to not say a word about my weight and to simply love me just as I am. Does that mean that they don't encourage me? No, when I started this journey I told the youngest one that I wanted to go horseback riding on the beach next summer, he promised to bring the horses.

An aunt a few years ago decided to take it upon herself to say something to me at a family gathering and to go after my brothers for not saying anything to me. They both looked at me and said "Sis, do you know you are overweight?" I said yes, they said, "we don't need to tell her we just need to love her."

I have a good friend on the other hand who's father tried so hard to get her to change and to control her that she severed contact with him for over a decade.

Your description of your sister leads me to believe she is a smart, capable woman who probably knows something needs to change. For both myself and my wife the change in our eating couldn't really come until we got control of other areas of our lives.

I am curious about something though. You said you just signed up today and your first post was not seeking the usual MFP first timer information and support. Rather it was asking us, how to convince your sister to lose weight. Did you join for yourself or to gain ammunition to manipulate her with? Having read your responses here you seem bent on justifying talking to her, rather than truly on changing yourself.

I only skimmed through the replies so I hope I'm not being redundant. That being said, when my brother brought up my weight (and I was overweight but not morbidly so), it did not make me rush out to be Miss Healthy. It made me not want to talk to my brother. One side comment took me a long time to forgive. Several years later, I decided to change my eating habits, but I had to reach that point on my own.

My sisters helped me to lose weight by being a living example for me. They eat a healthy diet and live a healthy lifestyle. There is nothing that they could say that would have helped. Their lack of condemnation and judgement was the best help I have ever received. If it is something she wants to talk about then listen much and speak little.
I eat cheese and drink diet coke and it has not hurt my health or weight loss. She would be better off with no advice rather than bad advice. There is no magic food and drinks, eat less calories than your body needs and lose weight or eat more calories than your body needs and gain weight. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be.

Agree 100% My family is filled with obese relatives. The best thing I can do is lead by example and not shove my views in their faces. By doing this one family member has approached me, without me ever saying anything to her first, and she wanted more information. I was happy to help her at that point (and she's now lost over 40lbs), but she had to be the one to decide that she wanted to lose the weight at this time in her life. I never ever talk about my weight loss/food philosophy, unless the other person initiates the conversation. The other way just leads to big trouble.

Op, the best thing you can do is just focus on your own weight loss/health and be that good example in her life. If you have a good attitude about the changes you're making (don't ever complain about your diet in front of her etc), then she will have someone in her life who's made the change successfully, and that may lead her to wanting more information. At that point, after she approaches you, then you can give her suggestions and offer to help. If she's the one to initiate it, then she'll have a much better attitude about it and will be more likely to stick with it.

I have an idea... what if I were to send or forward links to success stories of people who have lost substantial amounts of weight ? Would you be * offended * if one of your family members kept sending you or forwarding to you these types of links and stories ?

It seems to me like the most important factor in embarking on a serious weight loss goal is to get to the point where you say "I CAN do this" Other peoples success stories on a repeated basis sort of builds that confidence if the previous belief system was only "I can't I can't I can't "

It's touching that you are such a caring brother but If my brother (who is in great shape and always has been) would have done this to me It wouldn't have motivated me at all. It would have pissed me off.

I was not miserable as a fat person.. I had a decent job, a man who loved me, reasonable income, I was 'outdoorsy' - hiking, walking, enjoying nature. I 'felt' reasonably attractive, had good confidence...The ONLY reason that I even bothered to lose weight is because I finally accepted that all the pains from my knees, ankles, back were directly caused by the fact that I was carrying around a bunch of extra weight. Sure I would occasionally mention it to someone that I should 'lose weight' but until -I- made that connection in my own mind and decided that I would DO IT, no amount of talking or support or motivational pictures would have lit that fire under my *kitten*.

Think about yourself.. WHY did you decide to start down this path? what were your 'triggers'? I doubt that you just got out of bed one day and said "I think I'll lose weight today" I bet it was a fairly complex path and likely it took you quite some time. Would you have done it if someone kept bothering you about it?

Keep quiet. Fat people know they are fat. You don't need to tell them.

QFT

Also, fat people aren't stupid. We can tell that forwarded emails about weight loss success stories and requests for "walking buddies" are actually about us. That's probably even more annoying than just saying something to us directly.

Oh my God, SENDING LINKS TO SUCESS STORIES?!!? Seriosuly? Do you even hear yourself? Why don't you worry about losing ONE STINKING POUND yourself before you embark on a crusade to save you obese sister from herself. Wow. Just wow.

ETA: you want her to realize that she can lose 100lbs in THREE to SIX months?! You must be trolling. This can't be serious.

Oh my God, SENDING LINKS TO SUCESS STORIES?!!? Seriosuly? Do you even hear yourself? Why don't you worry about losing ONE STINKING POUND yourself before you embark on a crusade to save you obese sister from herself. Wow. Just wow.

ETA: you want her to realize that she can lose 100lbs in THREE to SIX months?! You must be trolling. This can't be serious.

I was just trying to be creative looking for an ANSWER. No need to flame me please.


The 3 to 6 month time frame is borrowed from the inspiration of the show "Extreme weight loss" on ABC

http://watchabc.go.com/extreme-weight-loss/SH55124938/VDKA0_j3v5d0bg/alyssa



I know it is just a 'show', but I have no reason to believe the claims are false. One really can lose 93 pounds in 3 months. right ?

There is a reason it's called 'extreme'. That is not a healthy way to lose weight. Every credible source I've seen cites a maximum recommended loss of no more than 1% of total body mass per week.

Assuming she's not 700lb, that would put a pound a day out of reach.

Any TV showing 7 pounds lost in a week probably only worked with the individual for a week. 2 or 3 of those 7 pounds may be fat - the rest will be water weight.

I’ve come back to this thread many times because I feel a strong kinship to your sister. Bear with me on the length because writing a response to you here is also providing a bit of therapy for me.

For the last 10-15 years, I was the fat sister. My brother is not ripped, but because he was in better shape than me, he constantly made me feel bad about myself. Although he probably thought his little comments and suggestions were helpful, they had the opposite effect. My father would do the same thing.

Every time they tried to encourage me to walk somewhere, or made a face when I ordered dessert, or commented about another fat person on the street, it made me feel horrible about myself. When I felt bad, I ate to feel better. Sometimes, they made me feel defensive and defiant. That made me eat, too.

Even just reading your comments on this thread is making me crave food because I’m imagining being in your sister’s shoes. I’ve gone to the kitchen about 20 times just reading the thread because things you are saying remind me of my brother.

Everyone knows that comparisons between siblings form part of your identity when you are young, but that doesn’t stop when you become an adult. The comments from my family just reinforced the idea that I was inherently fat. My brother was “the healthy one/the good looking one” so I had to become “the one who puts her career first/the smart one”.

I also became very self-conscious of exercising or eating healthy in front of my brother & dad. Let’s say I decided to order a salad for lunch. My brother might say, “great job, that makes up for the chocolate cake you had yesterday”. Back-handed encouragement. The message I received was not “Good job”, but “You’re such a fat cow. You’re so far away from being healthy that you’re hopeless.”

Without realizing it, and even though your intentions are good, you may be doing the same thing to your sister. For example, when you went on the bike ride, you just HAD to ruin all the wonderful positive endorphins from exercise with your contempt for her eating choices and your distain for her damaged body. Rather than feeling great about her ride, you criticized her food choices and hassled her about her ankle and inability to perform up to your standards. By the way, an average height 250 pound woman riding a bike for 50 miles at 10 mph (leisurely pace), burns upwards of 3000 calories. It also builds muscle and cardiovascular strength. Even if she ate two big 800 calorie hot fudge sundaes on those trips, she most certainly didn’t “cancel out the whole health benefit of the trip”, as you suggest. With all that underhanded negativity, how likely do you think it is that she will want to go cycling with you again?

You may not think you are fat shaming your sister because you aren’t telling fat jokes about her, but the emotional games you are playing are just as powerful. I’m sure she is well aware of your disapproval every step of the way. Every time you make a face when she eats cheese or make a sideways comment about her food choices, you are shaming her. Since you are her family, who is supposed to love and support her no matter what, your passive-aggressive behavior and remarks are even more damaging than if they came from a stranger.

And, to make her feel bad about herself in front of her boyfriend? I’m sorry, but that part is cruel. Maybe the reason she likes him is precisely because he doesn’t harass her about her weight. Maybe she likes being with him is because, unlike her family, he doesn’t make her feel bad about herself all the time.

I think that the best thing you can do to help your sister is to stop commenting, stop making suggestions and stop conveying your relentless disapproval of her food choices, behavior and body. Every time you do, you may be pushing her more and more into self-destructive behaviors. In fact, try to wipe those thoughts completely out of your head so you won’t make unconscious disapproving faces at her without realizing it.

Once you stop conveying that she is a fat person and that she is the “unhealthy one” in the family, you might give her space to form a new identity and come to a healthy relationship with food, exercise and her body. You need to let go of your guilt. Only when SHE has control, will she be able to make the changes she needs (and probably wants).

For me, the only way I conquered the issue was to stop spending time with my brother and father. The catalyst was my mom dying a couple years ago. She was the only person in my family who was non-judgmental. Once she was gone, I realized that couldn’t stand being around my father and brother because they make me feel so crappy about myself. Once I didn’t have to see them as often for the sake of my mom, I was able to disconnect from them somewhat and finally have some space to be me.

What I discovered was that the REAL ME is healthy and fit. Now, I minimize the time I spend with my family. My father came to visit a couple months ago. I felt like crap the whole visit and gained 3 pounds in just a few days. By the way, during the entire visit, my father harped on about how much weight I had lost and how great I looked. Yada, yada, yada. It just made me feel self-conscious about eating and shamed me about my previous choices. So, I ate to feel better and show him he couldn’t make me feel bad about eating. Yup, family is an emotional minefield.

No, I not suggesting that you kill off your mom to create the emotional catalyst your sister needs. Or that you cut off communication with her. Nope. Instead, I’m suggesting that you stop creating a passive-aggressive, emotionally-damaging environment. Get past your feelings and learn to relate to your sister with complete absence of judgment about her shape and diet. Learn to love and admire everything about her as she is now. Stop trying to improve her. Love and respect her unconditionally.

It’s going to be hard. You’re not going to like it because it means you have to STOP doing and thinking something and that may feel like your “endless loop that leads to a dead end”. I know it would be easier to take action, plan an intervention, control the situation and Do Something. That’s the kicker. Like losing weight, sometimes the hardest things to do in life are the most important.

In my book, mum's the word. All my life my female family members have been telling me to lose weight. The funny thing is, my family members were all much heavier than me. It wrecked my self esteem and made me scrutinize every little thing about myself. As an adult, whenever someone mentions anything about my weight, it hurts. A lot. The cool thing is that my dad decided on his own to eat healthier and exercise more and he ended up losing a ton of weight. His energy soared and his whole outlook on life became so much more positive. After witnessing his transformation, I wanted in. I approached him and asked him to teach me everything that he was doing. I followed his ways and did end up losing weight.

Leading by example is wonderful.

I am glad that my brother is not so judgmental that he spends our entire vacation together analyzing how I eat. As many others have said, fat people know they are fat. She knows about the internet, yes? She has, or knows how to find, a doctor? A bookstore? The library? There are a million sources of good information about weight loss, and you need to focus on being her brother, not her health and food monitor.

Sugar Addictiion and junk food eating is similar to Alcohol addiction. They say addiciton runs in the family.
It usually takes a scare, a heart attack or a stroke for many people to quit their behaviors.
But no doubt about it Sugar is Addictive cuz it comes packaged up and hidden in so many foods.
There is no such thing as moderation for a junk food junkee, they have to get rid of the junk and clean their house and cupboards.,
Then they have to get their sugar fix the healthy way with fruits and vegetables without eating the entire bag of peaches.

It sounds like she needs professional intervention. Are you the right guy for that?

I'm speechless.

Sugar Addictiion and junk food eating is similar to Alcohol addiction. They say addiciton runs in the family.
It usually takes a scare, a heart attack or a stroke for many people to quit their behaviors.
But no doubt about it Sugar is Addictive cuz it comes packaged up and hidden in so many foods.
There is no such thing as moderation for a junk food junkee, they have to get rid of the junk and clean their house and cupboards.,
Then they have to get their sugar fix the healthy way with fruits and vegetables without eating the entire bag of peaches.

It sounds like she needs professional intervention. Are you the right guy for that?

What rot.