what would YOU do ?

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  • Cheechos
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    Keep quiet. Fat people know they are fat. You don't need to tell them.

    QFT

    Also, fat people aren't stupid. We can tell that forwarded emails about weight loss success stories and requests for "walking buddies" are actually about us. That's probably even more annoying than just saying something to us directly.
  • thomas2017
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    i'm sure you are very concerned, as I am also for my brother in the same situation, but saying something will, ususally, only bring forth hard feelings, hurt and relationship problems for the 2 of you. Even if you said something, it will not make a difference until SHE wants the change and is concerned for her health. A person can only change for good when they set their own mind to it. If you feel driven to say something, I would not approach it as an assualt on her current eating habits, but offer suggestions to healthier options. Instead of saying "Don't eat that doughnut because it has X amount of sugar/calories/fat" say "Do you want this apple/orange/carrots etc ? They have so many good nutrients for the body"
    Pointing out the negative that a person is doing usually only makes them feel worse about what they are doing. Offering a positive outlet and insight to healthier things gives them a glance at how things COULD be and that may be the only push they need to see a change and how good it will feel.
    But, eating healthier foods will only get you so far, you must add exercise to life to make a change. I would, however, offer up advice on the exercise part of life because she can still enjoy the occasional snacks and loose weight if done with exercise and in moderation.

    Yes change has to come from within. Making incremental positive food suggestions certainly does not hurt, but I just feel as though that this approach is too little and too late right now. This is complicated by the fact that she lives 3 hours away and so there is not that ability to make these occasional positive suggestions.

    I just want her to realize that she CAN lose 100 pounds in 3 to 6 months, not 5 years ! Her approach over the years has always been very slow and measured so that there is minimal 'pain' along the way.

    The thing is, it is not as if she is not trying. She has been at this for years and has made various successful strides towards weight loss goals.. maybe 30 to 50 pounds or a bit more.

    I just want her to demand better of herself and demand more from herself sooner.
  • highervibes
    highervibes Posts: 2,219 Member
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    Oh my God, SENDING LINKS TO SUCESS STORIES?!!? Seriosuly? Do you even hear yourself? Why don't you worry about losing ONE STINKING POUND yourself before you embark on a crusade to save you obese sister from herself. Wow. Just wow.

    ETA: you want her to realize that she can lose 100lbs in THREE to SIX months?! You must be trolling. This can't be serious.
  • Hildy_J
    Hildy_J Posts: 1,050 Member
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    On the topic of Diet Coke, well you are correct it is none of my business to decide if that is good for anyone to drink or not, but I still think that drinking any kind of soda should be permanently banned

    Light the blue touch paper. Then stand well back.
  • thomas2017
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    Oh my God, SENDING LINKS TO SUCESS STORIES?!!? Seriosuly? Do you even hear yourself? Why don't you worry about losing ONE STINKING POUND yourself before you embark on a crusade to save you obese sister from herself. Wow. Just wow.

    ETA: you want her to realize that she can lose 100lbs in THREE to SIX months?! You must be trolling. This can't be serious.

    I was just trying to be creative looking for an ANSWER. No need to flame me please.


    The 3 to 6 month time frame is borrowed from the inspiration of the show "Extreme weight loss" on ABC

    http://watchabc.go.com/extreme-weight-loss/SH55124938/VDKA0_j3v5d0bg/alyssa



    I know it is just a 'show', but I have no reason to believe the claims are false. One really can lose 93 pounds in 3 months. right ?
  • jonnythan
    jonnythan Posts: 10,161 Member
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    Oh my God, SENDING LINKS TO SUCESS STORIES?!!? Seriosuly? Do you even hear yourself? Why don't you worry about losing ONE STINKING POUND yourself before you embark on a crusade to save you obese sister from herself. Wow. Just wow.

    ETA: you want her to realize that she can lose 100lbs in THREE to SIX months?! You must be trolling. This can't be serious.

    I was just trying to be creative looking for an ANSWER. No need to flame me please.


    The 3 to 6 month time frame is borrowed from the inspiration of the show "Extreme weight loss" on ABC

    http://watchabc.go.com/extreme-weight-loss/SH55124938/VDKA0_j3v5d0bg/alyssa



    I know it is just a 'show', but I have no reason to believe the claims are false. One really can lose 93 pounds in 3 months. right ?

    Lose a pound a day for 3 months?

    You should hit your goal by October 10 then right?
  • stumblinthrulife
    stumblinthrulife Posts: 2,558 Member
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    Oh my God, SENDING LINKS TO SUCESS STORIES?!!? Seriosuly? Do you even hear yourself? Why don't you worry about losing ONE STINKING POUND yourself before you embark on a crusade to save you obese sister from herself. Wow. Just wow.

    ETA: you want her to realize that she can lose 100lbs in THREE to SIX months?! You must be trolling. This can't be serious.

    I was just trying to be creative looking for an ANSWER. No need to flame me please.


    The 3 to 6 month time frame is borrowed from the inspiration of the show "Extreme weight loss" on ABC

    http://watchabc.go.com/extreme-weight-loss/SH55124938/VDKA0_j3v5d0bg/alyssa



    I know it is just a 'show', but I have no reason to believe the claims are false. One really can lose 93 pounds in 3 months. right ?

    There is a reason it's called 'extreme'. That is not a healthy way to lose weight. Every credible source I've seen cites a maximum recommended loss of no more than 1% of total body mass per week.

    Assuming she's not 700lb, that would put a pound a day out of reach.

    Any TV showing 7 pounds lost in a week probably only worked with the individual for a week. 2 or 3 of those 7 pounds may be fat - the rest will be water weight.
  • highervibes
    highervibes Posts: 2,219 Member
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    Oh my God, SENDING LINKS TO SUCESS STORIES?!!? Seriosuly? Do you even hear yourself? Why don't you worry about losing ONE STINKING POUND yourself before you embark on a crusade to save you obese sister from herself. Wow. Just wow.

    ETA: you want her to realize that she can lose 100lbs in THREE to SIX months?! You must be trolling. This can't be serious.

    I was just trying to be creative looking for an ANSWER. No need to flame me please.


    The 3 to 6 month time frame is borrowed from the inspiration of the show "Extreme weight loss" on ABC

    http://watchabc.go.com/extreme-weight-loss/SH55124938/VDKA0_j3v5d0bg/alyssa



    I know it is just a 'show', but I have no reason to believe the claims are false. One really can lose 93 pounds in 3 months. right ?

    Losing the weight YOURSELF is a creative way to get her to pay attention. Saying ANYTHING to her would be extremely offensive. When you lose the 30lbs you want to lose (I suppose by Thanksgiving by your timeline) I'm sure your other family members might ask you about it at Thanksgiving. If you''re so sure you have the answer to a weight problem, rather than talking the talk I suggest you walk the walk.
  • elisabeisme
    elisabeisme Posts: 308 Member
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    I’ve come back to this thread many times because I feel a strong kinship to your sister. Bear with me on the length because writing a response to you here is also providing a bit of therapy for me.

    For the last 10-15 years, I was the fat sister. My brother is not ripped, but because he was in better shape than me, he constantly made me feel bad about myself. Although he probably thought his little comments and suggestions were helpful, they had the opposite effect. My father would do the same thing.

    Every time they tried to encourage me to walk somewhere, or made a face when I ordered dessert, or commented about another fat person on the street, it made me feel horrible about myself. When I felt bad, I ate to feel better. Sometimes, they made me feel defensive and defiant. That made me eat, too.

    Even just reading your comments on this thread is making me crave food because I’m imagining being in your sister’s shoes. I’ve gone to the kitchen about 20 times just reading the thread because things you are saying remind me of my brother.

    Everyone knows that comparisons between siblings form part of your identity when you are young, but that doesn’t stop when you become an adult. The comments from my family just reinforced the idea that I was inherently fat. My brother was “the healthy one/the good looking one” so I had to become “the one who puts her career first/the smart one”.

    I also became very self-conscious of exercising or eating healthy in front of my brother & dad. Let’s say I decided to order a salad for lunch. My brother might say, “great job, that makes up for the chocolate cake you had yesterday”. Back-handed encouragement. The message I received was not “Good job”, but “You’re such a fat cow. You’re so far away from being healthy that you’re hopeless.”

    Without realizing it, and even though your intentions are good, you may be doing the same thing to your sister. For example, when you went on the bike ride, you just HAD to ruin all the wonderful positive endorphins from exercise with your contempt for her eating choices and your distain for her damaged body. Rather than feeling great about her ride, you criticized her food choices and hassled her about her ankle and inability to perform up to your standards. By the way, an average height 250 pound woman riding a bike for 50 miles at 10 mph (leisurely pace), burns upwards of 3000 calories. It also builds muscle and cardiovascular strength. Even if she ate two big 800 calorie hot fudge sundaes on those trips, she most certainly didn’t “cancel out the whole health benefit of the trip”, as you suggest. With all that underhanded negativity, how likely do you think it is that she will want to go cycling with you again?

    You may not think you are fat shaming your sister because you aren’t telling fat jokes about her, but the emotional games you are playing are just as powerful. I’m sure she is well aware of your disapproval every step of the way. Every time you make a face when she eats cheese or make a sideways comment about her food choices, you are shaming her. Since you are her family, who is supposed to love and support her no matter what, your passive-aggressive behavior and remarks are even more damaging than if they came from a stranger.

    And, to make her feel bad about herself in front of her boyfriend? I’m sorry, but that part is cruel. Maybe the reason she likes him is precisely because he doesn’t harass her about her weight. Maybe she likes being with him is because, unlike her family, he doesn’t make her feel bad about herself all the time.

    I think that the best thing you can do to help your sister is to stop commenting, stop making suggestions and stop conveying your relentless disapproval of her food choices, behavior and body. Every time you do, you may be pushing her more and more into self-destructive behaviors. In fact, try to wipe those thoughts completely out of your head so you won’t make unconscious disapproving faces at her without realizing it.

    Once you stop conveying that she is a fat person and that she is the “unhealthy one” in the family, you might give her space to form a new identity and come to a healthy relationship with food, exercise and her body. You need to let go of your guilt. Only when SHE has control, will she be able to make the changes she needs (and probably wants).

    For me, the only way I conquered the issue was to stop spending time with my brother and father. The catalyst was my mom dying a couple years ago. She was the only person in my family who was non-judgmental. Once she was gone, I realized that couldn’t stand being around my father and brother because they make me feel so crappy about myself. Once I didn’t have to see them as often for the sake of my mom, I was able to disconnect from them somewhat and finally have some space to be me.

    What I discovered was that the REAL ME is healthy and fit. Now, I minimize the time I spend with my family. My father came to visit a couple months ago. I felt like crap the whole visit and gained 3 pounds in just a few days. By the way, during the entire visit, my father harped on about how much weight I had lost and how great I looked. Yada, yada, yada. It just made me feel self-conscious about eating and shamed me about my previous choices. So, I ate to feel better and show him he couldn’t make me feel bad about eating. Yup, family is an emotional minefield.

    No, I not suggesting that you kill off your mom to create the emotional catalyst your sister needs. Or that you cut off communication with her. Nope. Instead, I’m suggesting that you stop creating a passive-aggressive, emotionally-damaging environment. Get past your feelings and learn to relate to your sister with complete absence of judgment about her shape and diet. Learn to love and admire everything about her as she is now. Stop trying to improve her. Love and respect her unconditionally.

    It’s going to be hard. You’re not going to like it because it means you have to STOP doing and thinking something and that may feel like your “endless loop that leads to a dead end”. I know it would be easier to take action, plan an intervention, control the situation and Do Something. That’s the kicker. Like losing weight, sometimes the hardest things to do in life are the most important.
  • whitecapwendy
    whitecapwendy Posts: 287 Member
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    That's tough.............we have a relative in a similar situation - she's morbidly obese; in her mid 40's.

    So - what to do?

    I don't honestly know - since she's not a 'blood relative' of mine, I keep my mouth shut...........I think she must know the health risks involved - I know her mother reminds her constantly (I think sometimes she overeats to SPITE her mother.......)!

    Bottom line - she has to WANT to lose weight - and she ALONE has to make it happen..............

    this. She has got to want to lose weight. If she wants to, she may ask you about your success. If she does not, she will only become angry and resentful at those who do talk to her about it. Been there.
  • SkinnyWannabeGal
    SkinnyWannabeGal Posts: 143 Member
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    In my book, mum's the word. All my life my female family members have been telling me to lose weight. The funny thing is, my family members were all much heavier than me. It wrecked my self esteem and made me scrutinize every little thing about myself. As an adult, whenever someone mentions anything about my weight, it hurts. A lot. The cool thing is that my dad decided on his own to eat healthier and exercise more and he ended up losing a ton of weight. His energy soared and his whole outlook on life became so much more positive. After witnessing his transformation, I wanted in. I approached him and asked him to teach me everything that he was doing. I followed his ways and did end up losing weight.

    Leading by example is wonderful.
  • Lichent
    Lichent Posts: 157 Member
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    Sugar Addictiion and junk food eating is similar to Alcohol addiction. They say addiciton runs in the family.
    It usually takes a scare, a heart attack or a stroke for many people to quit their behaviors.
    But no doubt about it Sugar is Addictive cuz it comes packaged up and hidden in so many foods.
    There is no such thing as moderation for a junk food junkee, they have to get rid of the junk and clean their house and cupboards.,
    Then they have to get their sugar fix the healthy way with fruits and vegetables without eating the entire bag of peaches.

    It sounds like she needs professional intervention. Are you the right guy for that?
  • ElsaVonMarmalade
    ElsaVonMarmalade Posts: 154 Member
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    I am glad that my brother is not so judgmental that he spends our entire vacation together analyzing how I eat. As many others have said, fat people know they are fat. She knows about the internet, yes? She has, or knows how to find, a doctor? A bookstore? The library? There are a million sources of good information about weight loss, and you need to focus on being her brother, not her health and food monitor.
  • podgeford123
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    Someone (a German friend with broken English) asked me one day: "why don't you care about yourself anymore" - blunt but it got me thinking, why did I let myself slide, did I just not care, or was I lazy, or was it my "slow metabolism"...it didnt matter, it was clear to the world that I didnt care enough about myself to take care of my body. Changed my ways 18lbs down now...

    No one likes to be told they are neglecting themselves, but everyone needs a wake up call too. Once they are aware fully, they will do something about it, if not, at least you tried. At worst hurt feelings are better than being dead. Just dont be patronising :-)
  • highervibes
    highervibes Posts: 2,219 Member
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    Sugar Addictiion and junk food eating is similar to Alcohol addiction. They say addiciton runs in the family.
    It usually takes a scare, a heart attack or a stroke for many people to quit their behaviors.
    But no doubt about it Sugar is Addictive cuz it comes packaged up and hidden in so many foods.
    There is no such thing as moderation for a junk food junkee, they have to get rid of the junk and clean their house and cupboards.,
    Then they have to get their sugar fix the healthy way with fruits and vegetables without eating the entire bag of peaches.

    It sounds like she needs professional intervention. Are you the right guy for that?

    I'm speechless.
  • jonnythan
    jonnythan Posts: 10,161 Member
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    Sugar Addictiion and junk food eating is similar to Alcohol addiction.

    22099543.jpg
  • thomas2017
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    I am glad that my brother is not so judgmental that he spends our entire vacation together analyzing how I eat. As many others have said, fat people know they are fat. She knows about the internet, yes? She has, or knows how to find, a doctor? A bookstore? The library? There are a million sources of good information about weight loss, and you need to focus on being her brother, not her health and food monitor.


    This is not about me analyzing or criticizing or judging. I have no ill meant intentions for my Sister and love her very much. She is the most giving thoughtful selfless person and is always putting other people before herself. I want her to be happy and I want her to have longevity for as long as possible. Who would not wish that for someone else?, especially another family member.

    Certainly I don't spend all my time thinking about this or thinking of ways to change her or help her. If fact after a few days I will probably be buried back into my own work and then this 'window of insight' that I have had over the last week may fade into the darkness. That is why I chose to voice the topic in this forum for a possible solution if there is one.

    Yes she knows, she knows... but the bad eating habits just seem to continue and are maybe getting worse. And I don't want her suffer anymore.
  • soslowjim
    soslowjim Posts: 12 Member
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    Didn't read all of the posts but what worked with my sister, when we were both looking to lose weight a few years ago was to make a bet. It gave us a chance to talk about our progress on a regular basis since we were just checking in on the bet. Sure was a tasty bottle of wine... :)

    If I recall I talked to her about wanting to lose weight and she then brought up wanting to lose as well. Certainly is a topic to approach with caution though.
  • stumblinthrulife
    stumblinthrulife Posts: 2,558 Member
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    Sugar Addictiion and junk food eating is similar to Alcohol addiction. They say addiciton runs in the family.
    It usually takes a scare, a heart attack or a stroke for many people to quit their behaviors.
    But no doubt about it Sugar is Addictive cuz it comes packaged up and hidden in so many foods.
    There is no such thing as moderation for a junk food junkee, they have to get rid of the junk and clean their house and cupboards.,
    Then they have to get their sugar fix the healthy way with fruits and vegetables without eating the entire bag of peaches.

    It sounds like she needs professional intervention. Are you the right guy for that?

    What rot.
  • MrsFowler1069
    MrsFowler1069 Posts: 657 Member
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    Yes change has to come from within. Making incremental positive food suggestions certainly does not hurt, but I just feel as though that this approach is too little and too late right now.
    ----
    The thing is, it is not as if she is not trying. She has been at this for years and has made various successful strides towards weight loss goals.. maybe 30 to 50 pounds or a bit more.

    So, I have to be honest with you. When I read your first post, I responded that I thought you might be in a position to lead by example and begin to encourage her along the way, either verbally or not. I have to amend that.

    If I was your sister and you made the comment above or some of your prior ones, I would absolutely feel, "So, the only way he's ever going to stop judging and criticizing me is if I am perfect in every food choice, every exercise, and every action. Not only that, but even if I'm doing great and making progress, if I'm not doing if the way he would TELL me too (while he has yet to do anything), he's still not going to be happy."

    There is nothing motivating or helpful about any of that. I believe the best thing you can do is to stay out of it, because if she is thinking about doing anything at all, now or in the future, and you haven't grown past thinking this is the way to do it, you are only going to hinder her and hurt your relationship with her.

    "Making incremental positive" changes (with or without anyone else's suggestions) is also known as "taking the first steps." These are the very things that make most of the difference. I weighed 348 pounds (or possibly more) in early June and I have since lost 45 pounds, which means I'm almost under 300 pounds now. The only thing I have done is make incremental positive changes. I haven't worked myself to death, been hungry at any time, or completely cut out anything from my diet, including many items you would clearly find unacceptable.

    Is it too little, too late? I think I'm doing great. I am not overwhelmed, not feeling deprived, not hungry, not hurting....and I certainly don't think my "30-50" pound loss is anything less than thrilling. The difference is, I'm doing my own way, doing it for the right reasons, doing it in a supportive environment of my own making/choosing, and because of all of this, I'm still going.
    I just want her to realize that she CAN lose 100 pounds in 3 to 6 months, not 5 years ! Her approach over the years has always been very slow and measured so that there is minimal 'pain' along the way.
    ----
    I just want her to demand better of herself and demand more from herself sooner.

    Before you do the math and realize that, at this rate, I would lose 105 pounds in seven months, please recognize that my goal is not to do that. A recommended safe, effective, sustainable loss is roughly two pounds per week. Part of the reason that I've initially lost so much is that I do have so much to lose (so the first loss is really the easiest) and I have done some physical work (roofing, painting, and deep cleaning houses) since I started, to which I am unaccustomed, while also being very new to this weight loss process. While I'm very pleased with the loss, I absolutely expect it to slow to some extent as I continue on.

    I would just add that I haven't caught how much you think she has to lose, but if it were 150 pounds, for instance, a two pound per week loss would put her at goal in only about a year and a half. I think that's pretty respectable and I would hope that you wouldn't discourage it.