what would YOU do ?

It sounds like she needs professional intervention. Are you the right guy for that?

Definitely not. But that guy Chris Powell from that show extreme weight loss might be. He seems like a really genuine guy committed to peoples success no matter what their previous circumstance was.

I’ve come back to this thread many times because I feel a strong kinship to your sister. Bear with me on the length because writing a response to you here is also providing a bit of therapy for me.

For the last 10-15 years, I was the fat sister. My brother is not ripped, but because he was in better shape than me, he constantly made me feel bad about myself. Although he probably thought his little comments and suggestions were helpful, they had the opposite effect. My father would do the same thing.

Every time they tried to encourage me to walk somewhere, or made a face when I ordered dessert, or commented about another fat person on the street, it made me feel horrible about myself. When I felt bad, I ate to feel better. Sometimes, they made me feel defensive and defiant. That made me eat, too.

It’s going to be hard. You’re not going to like it because it means you have to STOP doing and thinking something and that may feel like your “endless loop that leads to a dead end”. I know it would be easier to take action, plan an intervention, control the situation and Do Something. That’s the kicker. Like losing weight, sometimes the hardest things to do in life are the most important.

You make a lot of excellent points.

I just want to make it clear that I did not once during the past week with my Sister verbally say anything about food choices or what not to eat or that too much is being eaten or that she should drink diet coke or anything like that. Not one word.

But I WILL tell you that at various times through the vacation week I was THINKING these things. I cannot say whether the expression on my face revealed what I was thinking. Maybe it did. Honestly I was enjoy the time spent with her, but I was thinking about the potentially negative actions she was taking and it was bothering me, a lot.

It could be that my subconscious thoughts and expressions still communicated the same message even though I spoke no negative words about food, weight loss etc.

At the end of the first 25 mile bike trip which ended in the evening around 7pm I was totally exhausted partly because I did not drink enough fluids during the day. She asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her bf and I answered with an assertive 'no' and then basically just took off back to my motel. Part of my frustated answer to her was my exhaustion but also me being upset that they were now going to eat dinner at 8 at night with friend onion rings, butter and lobster etc etc.

So who knows whether or not she took that the wrong way. It is just so hard for me to put a big smile on my face and tell her to enjoy her late dinner when I know it is the wrong thing to do. And it is these small decisions that make all the difference.

So I am sort of thinking out loud now.... perhaps you are correct that even subliminal thoughts and facial expressions regarding her weight issues are enough to trigger a negative spiral.

So then that would mean on all future meetings with my Sister I need to have the ability to completely control my thoughts of any negative nature (related to weight stuff) even though I do not say any words out loud.

I think i could do it.. Let go Let God as they say.....

but I don't think my Father can... which leads me into another aspect you and some others mentioned on here.

My Father has not been able to let go of this issue regarding my Sister....

he has reminded her holiday after holiday, Birthday after Birthday and on so many other occasions that she needs to do something about her weight/health.

He just CANNOT let go of this issue and has not been able to let go of it for the last 30 years.

From the insight of your post and some others on here, I am starting to think that the ONLY way for my Sister to get on the right path is for me but most especially my Father to stop bringing up any topic or slightest hint of anything that has to do with her weight ! In addition to not bringing up the topic, he must also not think about the topic on any level even for a micro second.

My Father has been nagging at her for YEARS even decades. Not really in a mean cold way, (ie. saying 'your fat') but more in subtle and underhanded ways.... (ie. long letters to her about her health, we are concerned etc. mentioning subtle hints on the holidays and other get togethers).

I have mentioned a few times at least in the past to my Father that he just needs to LET GO and set her free but to this day and at his age of 77 he still has not been able to let go. But this cycling dynamic between my Father and Sister is probably a core factor in the inability of my Sister to make serious progress.

The dynamic could be as simple as this..:

1. Father keeps reminding daughter of her weight problems time and time again for many many years.

2. Daughter keeps getting the subliminal negative messages despite the Father's desire to 'help'.

3. Daughter continues to struggle with weight issues and they actually get worse and get re-enforced after each of these 'reminders' from Father.

4. Daughter cannot get to weight loss goal because by doing so, then the Father would have 'won' and would essentially be able to say ' I told you so'.

This is a tough issue. I'm extremely close with my brother and knew he had a strong desire to lose weight. When I finally was able to start losing weight I went up to him and said (I think I was crying) "You are the most important person in the world to me, and I want you to be happy and healthy. Will you lose weight with me?"

I think the most important thing is to stay away from the cliched "I just want what's best for you" and show that it comes from a very strong love, and offer to do it together. Rather than "go do this", it should be "let's do this together".

Thank you for sharing that.

If I were to do this though, the one tricky aspect is that I have less to lose than she does so doesn't that sort of make it unfair ?

If one family member needs to lose 120 pounds to reach their ideal weight and the other needs to lose 30 pounds to reach their ideal weight, how can it be made fair to both? It seems like I would have an unfair head start.