He wants kids, I don't....
Replies
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"went to college for ART"
that's your first problem right there.0 -
Yeah at this point I don't see kids riding in the side car.He's the kind of guy who loves to go out to bars, hang out with his guy friends until the early morning. Hell, he just bought a brand new Harley (which I love) and he always talks about how much money he wants to throw into it and how he wants to ride to Sturgis and Daytona with me next year.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
What if the OP is an atheist?Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
She's not.... but thanks for the open mind! :drinker:0 -
I have been in the exact same boat. No one can really tell you what you want to do but you need to sit down with yourself and really look at yourself in the future, imagine yourself at 50 years old without children, how does that make you feel? There is not right or wrong answer, but you have to be honest with yourself about it. Then you need to talk to him about what he really wants. I don't think it is fair to either of you to continue moving foreward if you are not on the same page on this issue. Whatever its worth I disagree with the buying time theory because it might turn out well but it might end up with even more anger and pain. IMO though is puts you and your relationship in a place where you are currently trying to manipulate things to suit you and not considering your others stance, so that is not a great place for a relationship to be in. This is something to look at now.0
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I see where you're coming from. Absolutely...
You were ever so young when you met!! You're only 24 now, so that takes you back to what... 16 when you started dating him?
So you've made something of yourself, went to Uni, qualified, got a job, and now you don't want to go and throw it all away.
Firstly his mum needs to butt out! And if he is too influenced by what his mother spouts, then perhaps it's time for him to grow a pair!
You shouldn't feel rushed into making your mind up on the most important decision of your life.
You need to talk.
And if it turns out that he wants kids pretty soon and that's not for you.... well, it's sad but, you'll meet someone else.
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"went to college for ART"
that's your first problem right there.
HAHAHAH
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I understand what you are saying. If he's not the one bringing it up to you but only when his mother says something to you, I truly think he doesn't want kids. I think he's trying to make his mother happy. I don't believe that someone actually said that your decision to not have kids at an early age was based on not experiencing life. I think a lot of people are choosing early on not to have kids. This is only the tip of the ice burg. Because if you do end up married who's to say that his family won't be directly involved in everything?
If he bought a Harley and is talking about spending a boatload of money he doesn't want kids. He can't travel on a motorcycle with you if a) you're pregnant or b) have a baby unless he plans on dropping off the child with someone. But then what's the point of having a kid if some one else is going to raise it. He's doing what's expected of him because you have been in a long term relationship. I see this far too much with my friends. We have couple friends that were together for only 1 year, engaged for a year then married now before their second year of marriage are having a baby (because of expectations from family). 3 of our friends have gotten married because of pressure from family and 2 of those couples are now divorced. I on the other hand have been with my bf for 7 years and no plans to get married at all even though we are constantly asked when.
I think you voicing that you don't want kids now or never should be his cue to say (if he's serious about babies) "ok then we need to go our separate ways". I think you are correct in trying to get an outside opinion from someone who doesn't know you. Good luck with the therapy. If he knew this from the beginning then none of this should come as a surprise to him. Maybe he thought you'd change your mind. My sister is almost 40 no kids, long term relationship, told the guy "don't want kids", he's cool with it even though he wants one. I wouldn't give in to pressure from family or him if it's something you're passionately dead set against. Nothing wrong with that and don't ever let anyone make you think different. I think you're a successful woman who is driven and knows what she wants and doesn't and if no one can understand why you don't want to be "barefoot and pregnant" (not that you'd have to give up your job but being a mom is hard work) then those people should just shut up and stay out of your business.0 -
Settling down does not mean "have boring stagnant life where nothing happens."
This. Exactly this... and what neandermagnon said.
Having kids doesn't mean that you can never do anything ever again. I'm not saying this to change your mind about having kids but your post and replies imply that you think after having kids, you have to behave like boring old people.
Honestly though it depends on what sort of a lifestyle they're used to. This was a HUGE factor in our decision for not having children. Sure we can go out but "going out" with children is significantly different than going out with just your SO as is vacationing with children. No one is going to go away for a week without their kids and I'm not going to spend all my vacations at Disney or "kid friendly" resorts.
To imply that things don't change once you have children -- lifestyle, money, the way you live -- is just wrong because it does. SIGNIFICANTLY.
Absolutely!!!!!
I never wanted kids and I'm with a man who never wanted kids. No matter how you try to dress it up, it would have changed our lives in ways we didn't want it changed.0 -
Settling down does not mean "have boring stagnant life where nothing happens."
This. Exactly this... and what neandermagnon said.
Having kids doesn't mean that you can never do anything ever again. I'm not saying this to change your mind about having kids but your post and replies imply that you think after having kids, you have to behave like boring old people.
Honestly though it depends on what sort of a lifestyle they're used to. This was a HUGE factor in our decision for not having children. Sure we can go out but "going out" with children is significantly different than going out with just your SO as is vacationing with children. No one is going to go away for a week without their kids and I'm not going to spend all my vacations at Disney or "kid friendly" resorts.
To imply that things don't change once you have children -- lifestyle, money, the way you live -- is just wrong because it does. SIGNIFICANTLY.
Wow, you seem very confused about the family dynamic.
My patents still went out on their own with their friends when my brother and i were young, and even as we were teenagers. It's called hiring a baby sitter.
They took their own vacations without us. They left us at grandma's or another family members house.
They also took us on vacations, which, by the way, never included Disney.0 -
Stick to your guns! He has ALWAYS known what you wanted from the beginning. And frankly, I think you are doing it RIGHT! I got pregnant and had a baby before I was 18 and so I never went to college, etc... If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't have been screwing around and partying in high school. I would have graduated, went to college and had a stable career and financial life before I ever thought about having children. I get paid pretty good now, but damn, I'm 44! LOL! So I had many years that it took to get to this place in my life. Do NOT go along with him if you have reservations about it. You will regret it in the end. Good luck to you! :happy:0
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That's a dealbreaker. You either both need to be fully invested and involved in raising children or you shouldn't have them.
Sadly, he needs a woman that wants children and you need a man that doesn't want children.
You're both young. You'll find others. Sounds harsh, but you don't want to harbor resentment later and neither does he.
Move on.0 -
No one is going to go away for a week without their kids
A lot of people do just that all the time.
Also, my parents did take me on vacations, and I didn't go to Disneyworld for the first time until I was 28 years old.0 -
If you decide you never want kids, your relationship will never work. He will either leave you to find someone who wants the same things as him or stay with you and resent you.0
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Stick to your guns! He has ALWAYS known what you wanted from the beginning. And frankly, I think you are doing it RIGHT! I got pregnant and had a baby before I was 18 and so I never went to college, etc... If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't have been screwing around and partying in high school. I would have graduated, went to college and had a stable career and financial life before I ever thought about having children. I get paid pretty good now, but damn, I'm 44! LOL! So I had many years that it took to get to this place in my life. Do NOT go along with him if you have reservations about it. You will regret it in the end. Good luck to you! :happy:
Yes! If more people would just wait until they are truly ready to have kids the world would be a better place! I had my daughter at 21, and I was in NO way ready, emotionally, financially, etc, etc to infinity. I did alright, but I have never been able to finish college (finally am getting my degree next semester at 30) or hold down a decent job. I really haven't been able to do anything with myself, partly due to no family or husband support. The OP is being smart!0 -
I had mine at 17, in high school. Her father has never been around. I graduated from college a little behind what I would have, but still in my early 20s and I have had more than one very good job.Stick to your guns! He has ALWAYS known what you wanted from the beginning. And frankly, I think you are doing it RIGHT! I got pregnant and had a baby before I was 18 and so I never went to college, etc... If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't have been screwing around and partying in high school. I would have graduated, went to college and had a stable career and financial life before I ever thought about having children. I get paid pretty good now, but damn, I'm 44! LOL! So I had many years that it took to get to this place in my life. Do NOT go along with him if you have reservations about it. You will regret it in the end. Good luck to you! :happy:
Yes! If more people would just wait until they are truly ready to have kids the world would be a better place! I had my daughter at 21, and I was in NO way ready, emotionally, financially, etc, etc to infinity. I did alright, but I have never been able to finish college (finally am getting my degree next semester at 30) or hold down a decent job. I really haven't been able to do anything with myself, partly due to no family or husband support. The OP is being smart!
It's all in the choices you make and what's important. I'm not encouraging teenage pregnancy, but it is NOT the end of the world unless you let it be.0 -
Settling down does not mean "have boring stagnant life where nothing happens."
This. Exactly this... and what neandermagnon said.
Having kids doesn't mean that you can never do anything ever again. I'm not saying this to change your mind about having kids but your post and replies imply that you think after having kids, you have to behave like boring old people.
Honestly though it depends on what sort of a lifestyle they're used to. This was a HUGE factor in our decision for not having children. Sure we can go out but "going out" with children is significantly different than going out with just your SO as is vacationing with children. No one is going to go away for a week without their kids and I'm not going to spend all my vacations at Disney or "kid friendly" resorts.
To imply that things don't change once you have children -- lifestyle, money, the way you live -- is just wrong because it does. SIGNIFICANTLY.
Absolutely!!!!!
I never wanted kids and I'm with a man who never wanted kids. No matter how you try to dress it up, it would have changed our lives in ways we didn't want it changed.
Thank you for getting the point that I was trying to make. Of course I should have known I'd get jumped on by those who think what I personally feel (and have seen) is wrong.
I personally would get the "You can go on vacation. They're just . . . . different."
To those of you who say that you go on vacations with your SO for a week and have someone watch your kids and take your kids on vacations (which I never said you couldn't) that's awesome but you honestly can't tell me that your life didn't change a bit after you had your kids.0 -
No one is going to go away for a week without their kids
A lot of people do just that all the time.
I am. In February. SEVEN WHOLE DAYS...0 -
but you honestly can't tell me that your life didn't change a bit after you had your kids.
Of course life changes. No one said it didn't. And not everyone wants or should have children.
But this idea that your life stops, that you can never go anywhere or do anything without your kids and that EVERY vacation has to be to Disneyworld is beyond ridiculous.
Also, "kid-friendly" vacations WITH your kids don't have to be centered on child activities. When I was little, I LOVED things like art galleries and even theater. My mother took me to see MacBeth when I was 5 years old.
I always thought it was silly to only expose children to "kids' things." Educating them is important. What kid OR adult doesn't love the Natural Science Museum or the aquarium in Atlanta or many other things that you would want to do with or without children? They love the beach, too.
If you don't want kids, that's great. But your perception of HOW life changes seems a little off.0 -
I would like to interject that people who have not attended college or who work in jobs that *you* wouldn't consider "professional careers" are still perfectly capable of feeling the desire to have a satisfying life. Attending college or have a different "better" job does not make you more entitled to your goals and dreams than your boyfriend.
You can try counseling. But kids are usually a deal-breaker. It's not fair for you to ask him to put his wishes on hold to wait several years for you to accomplish your dreams while the risk remains that at the end of it, you still may not want children.0 -
"No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself."
I believe you believe you ARE better than them.
Let him know it is HIS loss and leave.0 -
If you decide you never want kids, your relationship will never work. He will either leave you to find someone who wants the same things as him or stay with you and resent you.
Why would it never work? You're pretty much saying it's her fault if the relationship fails. When actuality if HE chooses to stay with her and resent her for HIM staying that's on HIM. If he knew from the beginning that kids weren't an option he should have bounced years ago. You don't have to have kids to be in a relationship. And if he leaves her because of it, I'm sure she knows that she's probably better off without him then have him around to make her feel guilty about not wanting kids.0 -
I would like to interject that people who have not attended college or who work in jobs that *you* wouldn't consider "professional careers" are still perfectly capable of feeling the desire to have a satisfying life. Attending college or have a different "better" job does not make you more entitled to your goals and dreams than your boyfriend.
You can try counseling. But kids are usually a deal-breaker. It's not fair for you to ask him to put his wishes on hold to wait several years for you to accomplish your dreams while the risk remains that at the end of it, you still may not want children.
The point I was trying to make is that all of his family graduated high school, got a job, got married, had kids within 3 years. They don't get that I have other goals that don't include those things yet.
Those things made them happy, and I deserve what makes me happy. I shouldn't be considered selfish or self-righteous for wanting to be successful.0 -
I've only been able to read a few comments, but it looks like the advice you've been getting is solid. You have to put your needs first. Read the stories about women who have "opted out" -- some out of very high-powered jobs -- and then tried to return later. It's difficult if not impossible.
Keep on your chosen track; if you have to decouple (pun intended), that's just too bad. If you could make him see that he's being overly influenced by relatives that would be wonderful, but don't hold out a lot of hope unless he's the love of your life.0 -
You're pretty much saying it's her fault if the relationship fails.If you decide you never want kids, your relationship will never work. He will either leave you to find someone who wants the same things as him or stay with you and resent you.
O rly?0 -
"No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself."
I believe you believe you ARE better than them.
Let him know it is HIS loss and leave.
I think that's a bit unfair.
I think what she is saying is that his family come from a background where perhaps due to lack of opportunities they have never questioned traditional gender roles, so perhaps they truly can't relate to her desire to have a higher education, qualify in something, have a career. That doesn't necessarily mean the OP sees herself as "superior" to them.0 -
I'm sure they do get that. They just don't agree with it. But what his family wants is not your concern. If he wants kids soon, it's not because he's "not getting it". It's because that's his goal. You two really need to come to some sort of compromise, or you really need to consider moving on.I would like to interject that people who have not attended college or who work in jobs that *you* wouldn't consider "professional careers" are still perfectly capable of feeling the desire to have a satisfying life. Attending college or have a different "better" job does not make you more entitled to your goals and dreams than your boyfriend.
You can try counseling. But kids are usually a deal-breaker. It's not fair for you to ask him to put his wishes on hold to wait several years for you to accomplish your dreams while the risk remains that at the end of it, you still may not want children.
The point I was trying to make is that all of his family graduated high school, got a job, got married, had kids within 3 years. They don't get that I have other goals that don't include those things yet.0 -
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Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.
Genesis 1:28 - "Be fruitful and multiply"
Hmm, quite the conundrum now.0 -
“Submission is not about authority and it is not obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.”
― Wm. Paul Young0 -
Sounds like you are heading down different paths. While you shouldn't be forced to have kids you don't want, if he truly does want them, he may resent you down the road if you don't. If you are serious about staying together, you both need to decide what is most important to you. I know for me, I changed a lot in my 20's, and while I didn't want kids in my mid 20's by the time I was approaching 30 I did. If it's a case of you never want them, and he absolutely does, it may be a deal breaker.
QFT. I gave myself a deadline - 30 years old - to change my mind. It's coming up in a couple months and I'm more resolute than ever that I don't want rugrats.
I was up front with my husband from the beginning though and told him I didn't want kids. I made sure he was ok with it before we were married.
Save yourself the heartbreak (and him too) make up your mind and move on if you really don't want kids and he really does.
I know this is tough.0
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