He wants kids, I don't....
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If you decide you never want kids, your relationship will never work. He will either leave you to find someone who wants the same things as him or stay with you and resent you.
Why would it never work? You're pretty much saying it's her fault if the relationship fails. When actuality if HE chooses to stay with her and resent her for HIM staying that's on HIM. If he knew from the beginning that kids weren't an option he should have bounced years ago. You don't have to have kids to be in a relationship. And if he leaves her because of it, I'm sure she knows that she's probably better off without him then have him around to make her feel guilty about not wanting kids.0 -
I would like to interject that people who have not attended college or who work in jobs that *you* wouldn't consider "professional careers" are still perfectly capable of feeling the desire to have a satisfying life. Attending college or have a different "better" job does not make you more entitled to your goals and dreams than your boyfriend.
You can try counseling. But kids are usually a deal-breaker. It's not fair for you to ask him to put his wishes on hold to wait several years for you to accomplish your dreams while the risk remains that at the end of it, you still may not want children.
The point I was trying to make is that all of his family graduated high school, got a job, got married, had kids within 3 years. They don't get that I have other goals that don't include those things yet.
Those things made them happy, and I deserve what makes me happy. I shouldn't be considered selfish or self-righteous for wanting to be successful.0 -
I've only been able to read a few comments, but it looks like the advice you've been getting is solid. You have to put your needs first. Read the stories about women who have "opted out" -- some out of very high-powered jobs -- and then tried to return later. It's difficult if not impossible.
Keep on your chosen track; if you have to decouple (pun intended), that's just too bad. If you could make him see that he's being overly influenced by relatives that would be wonderful, but don't hold out a lot of hope unless he's the love of your life.0 -
You're pretty much saying it's her fault if the relationship fails.If you decide you never want kids, your relationship will never work. He will either leave you to find someone who wants the same things as him or stay with you and resent you.
O rly?0 -
"No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself."
I believe you believe you ARE better than them.
Let him know it is HIS loss and leave.
I think that's a bit unfair.
I think what she is saying is that his family come from a background where perhaps due to lack of opportunities they have never questioned traditional gender roles, so perhaps they truly can't relate to her desire to have a higher education, qualify in something, have a career. That doesn't necessarily mean the OP sees herself as "superior" to them.0 -
I'm sure they do get that. They just don't agree with it. But what his family wants is not your concern. If he wants kids soon, it's not because he's "not getting it". It's because that's his goal. You two really need to come to some sort of compromise, or you really need to consider moving on.I would like to interject that people who have not attended college or who work in jobs that *you* wouldn't consider "professional careers" are still perfectly capable of feeling the desire to have a satisfying life. Attending college or have a different "better" job does not make you more entitled to your goals and dreams than your boyfriend.
You can try counseling. But kids are usually a deal-breaker. It's not fair for you to ask him to put his wishes on hold to wait several years for you to accomplish your dreams while the risk remains that at the end of it, you still may not want children.
The point I was trying to make is that all of his family graduated high school, got a job, got married, had kids within 3 years. They don't get that I have other goals that don't include those things yet.0 -
Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.
Genesis 1:28 - "Be fruitful and multiply"
Hmm, quite the conundrum now.0 -
“Submission is not about authority and it is not obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.”
― Wm. Paul Young0 -
Sounds like you are heading down different paths. While you shouldn't be forced to have kids you don't want, if he truly does want them, he may resent you down the road if you don't. If you are serious about staying together, you both need to decide what is most important to you. I know for me, I changed a lot in my 20's, and while I didn't want kids in my mid 20's by the time I was approaching 30 I did. If it's a case of you never want them, and he absolutely does, it may be a deal breaker.
QFT. I gave myself a deadline - 30 years old - to change my mind. It's coming up in a couple months and I'm more resolute than ever that I don't want rugrats.
I was up front with my husband from the beginning though and told him I didn't want kids. I made sure he was ok with it before we were married.
Save yourself the heartbreak (and him too) make up your mind and move on if you really don't want kids and he really does.
I know this is tough.0 -
He's always going to want kids, you always won't. It won't change. I'm sorry but that's a huge sticking point in a relationship. Maybe it's time to end it and find someone who thinks like you!0
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I would definitely try couples counseling. Though you may be afraid of what you will find out through therapy, you and your boyfriend need to be on the same page as far as your future. If he truly wants children for his own reasons, but you decide you do not want children at all, you may have to rethink your relationship. The fact of the matter is, the last thing either of you would want to do is force the other to have a life they do not want. It wouldn't be far for you to deny him children if he truly wants them, but it also isn't fair for you to be forced into having children if you do not want them. Having children isn't like buying a dog. I have three children and I also go to school full time. It is difficult to raise children and still pursue your goals because being a parent is a 24/7/365 commitment. Do whatever you have to in order to find out what is best for both of you, even if that means you have to end your relationship after so much time. Best of luck to you, I truly hope you figure everything out.0
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Doesn't your BF deserve what makes HIM happy, too?I would like to interject that people who have not attended college or who work in jobs that *you* wouldn't consider "professional careers" are still perfectly capable of feeling the desire to have a satisfying life. Attending college or have a different "better" job does not make you more entitled to your goals and dreams than your boyfriend.
You can try counseling. But kids are usually a deal-breaker. It's not fair for you to ask him to put his wishes on hold to wait several years for you to accomplish your dreams while the risk remains that at the end of it, you still may not want children.
The point I was trying to make is that all of his family graduated high school, got a job, got married, had kids within 3 years. They don't get that I have other goals that don't include those things yet.
Those things made them happy, and I deserve what makes me happy. I shouldn't be considered selfish or self-righteous for wanting to be successful.
You want to have everything your way and keep the relationship. You need to have a serious talk with him. but you have to be willing to accept that you may need to end the relationship.
That doesn't mean you're right and he's wrong or he's right and you're wrong. It simply means you want very different things for your lives and they aren't compatible. It happens.0 -
Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.
Genesis 1:28 - "Be fruitful and multiply"
Hmm, quite the conundrum now.
Deut. 25:11
When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.0 -
Those things made them happy, and I deserve what makes me happy. I shouldn't be considered selfish or self-righteous for wanting to be successful.
It's a horrible situation.
TBH I never had to have this debate with my man, but with my own parents!!
I come from a very staunch working class background. Dad a lorry driver, mum was stay-at home mum, home carer for elderly relatives and later a part-time factory worker. Neither have had opportunity for education beyond age 15 and 16 respectively. Their aspirations for me were limited by their own experience.
I always wanted to go to University (originally I wanted to do medicine but ended up doing psychology) and my parents just didn't understand why anyone would want to stay in "school" longer than they had to. My mother never understood why I wanted to earn my own money. She come from a family line where the woman is unquestioningly provided for by a husband, and in turn she cooks, cleans, is a mother and a carer to elderly relatives. That's how things worked in their mind and we had a hard time meeting in the middle between them understanding my perspective and me theirs.
Then when after 30-odd years I still hadn't provided any grand children for them, they made me feel like I had totally messed THEIR life up somehow with my decision.
It's not easy sometimes, but you've got to stick with what feels right for you! :flowerforyou:0 -
I was married for 10 years with someone who always wanted to have children. I don't. Never will.
We were young when we married but after 10 years we were at different stages of our lives, and he really wanted kids. Needless to say that we divorced. The divorce wasn't final when he already having a baby. After 4 years apart, he now has two children.
I always knew I didn't want to have children, so I guess the choice for me was easier than if your not sure.0 -
I am struggling with this now, though slightly difference circumstances. My husband and I have been married 3 years, together for 6 years. In the begining we both wanted children and wanted to settle down so that is how we set up for our life together to proceed. We bought a house, got a dog, both work full time... but ever since we got married our parents have been expectant of us startng a family and sometimes downright pushy about it. Part of this I know is because my sister-in-law has 3 kids with a 4th on the way and is only 2 years older than my husband... but I am 5.5 years younger than he is and have a few things I'd like to do for myself before starting a family (like losing weight and quitting smoking... I quit smoking last November and am working on the weight loss now). We have been to couples' counseling but it didn't help us. My husband is convinced that I've done a complete 180 since we've met and no longer want children when the truth is that I want to have children when it's right for US, not just because it's expected. My solution? Birth control pills. I refuse to go off of them until I am ready for kids and if he's no longer willing at that point then we can discuss it again at that point but I refused to be bullied into starting a family before I was ready and you should too. It's a huge commitment physically, emotionally, and financially. There is no reason to start before you're ready just because it's expected and if that's something your boyfriend is willing to push then you may need to sit down with him AND his mother to get this straightened out before it ruins your relationship.0
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I think if he truly loves and cares about you, he will respect your decision. I think it is something worth discussing. 8 years is a long time..I know, I have been with my fiance just as long and we been through a lot together, and we are still standing strong. You could change your mind later in the game, who knows. I didn't want kids at first either, but then felt different. I'm even volunteering my time and working with elementary kids which I love and it helps for me..but for some people its a different story. Good luck.
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I just have to put my 2 cents in when I was your age I did not want nor like kids. (except my little brother and sisters) However, when I hit 29 or 30 that "bio clock" started ringing loud and all the sudden I had this innate biological need to reproduce.
If he is worth staying with and your time then dont ruin the relationship. You never know what changes will happen to you in the future.0 -
Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."
Solid points!
Totally agree!!!
Er...maybe. If this was the 19th Century. Marriage or 'settling down' does not necessarily imply that children are the "logical" next step, and hasn't done for quite a long time - since effective birth control became widely available, at least. Example: My parents married at 21 and 23, respectively, and chose not to have me until my mother was 34 (with two established careers and joint financial stability). My sister was born when Mum was 39. Many, many people are cohabiting or marrying without kids following hard on the heels of that decision. For my money, OP is being entirely logical focusing on building a career and establishing herself professionally and financially at this point in her life. There's no rush to have kids, and she's very young still - choosing to delay decisions about having children does not mean that the option definitely won't be available to them in five or so years' time, IF they decide that's what they want.
ETA: OP, I think it's very important to talk to your boyfriend about why he wants children now, when your joint plan has always predicted something different. Whether you do that in counselling or in private will depend on your individual situation and personalities. It may be that familial pressure is the cause, and it may be that his feelings/views have significantly changed on the subject. At least if you're talking about it, you'll be able to make decisions with complete information, not just supposition, and it gives you a place to start from if you want to negotiate a compromise in order to maintain the relationship.0
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