Kids or no kids?
Replies
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Some women bounce back, and some don't. If that's your primary concern right now, then it's a valid one. Pregnancy changes your body in ways that nobody can predict, and yeah, it can be scary to surrender that control. Pregnancy is difficult--hell, even conceiving is difficult for many women. Labor is hard. That's why they call it labor. And the near-overwhelming burden of being financially, ethically, emotionally and morally responsible for an impressionable new life form for the next 18+ years sort of makes me want to launch my uterus directly into the sun. Compared to that, I'll take the stretch marks.
Our society presents an image of idealized motherhood. It tells women that they're not "real" women unless they have three perfectly-groomed kids, and the body of a Brazilian fitness model ten minutes after giving birth. Even though we know it's not the truth we still internalize it. If you're not comfortable with having kids, for whatever reason, then please don't. Don't have them to satisfy someone else's idea of what you should be as a human being. Focus on your own self first, take the time you need to be focused and centered, before introducing a new and vulnerable life to the equation--or ever introducing it.
You may change your mind, but you may not. And either way, the deeper issue here is your relationship with your body, and with your mother's expectations. Learn to take excellent care of yourself. Eat good food, exercise moderately, get lots of sleep and take time to relax when you need it. Be selfish--it's ok to put yourself first. And if you have the desire to nurture a child, see if you can get involved with a local reading mentoring program, volunteer in a nursery at a place of worship (if applicable) or a community center. If you are dating or married, make sure you're with a supportive, steady, and devoted partner, and that you work together as a team. And remember that eventually, we'll all get old and saggy and horrible looking, so decide how you want to live your life before you get to that point.0 -
Not wanting kids is not selfish. It simply means you do not want kids.. Only you can decide if having kids is the right thing for you. I do however think if you are questioning if you wan them you may be changing your mind, that being said if you are considering stop and decide why you are rethinking the no kids stance. Is it because you feel pressured or have you found the perfect partner to raise a family with? If you found your partner then together decide if biological children are desired or if adoption is an option. If you are simply feeling pressured I would put off making that choice.
Remember only you can decide if having or adopting children is the right decision for you,0 -
Every mother tells me that children are worth everything. They are the best thing ever happened to them. However, I've never experienced the joy of having kids.
I love my daughter and I wouldn't wish her away, but I would have had a perfectly happy, fulfilling life without her. Not every mother feels that way.0 -
I dont think that is a selfish reason at all. You worked hard for the health you have obtained. That doesn't make you a bad person. I would think, if i were a woman, and lost the weight that I did, I dont think I would want to get pregnant either and reverse my progress. You just have to choose what you want more in life. The CHANCE that you may not get your current figure back or not getting pregnant. But if you truly want kids, there are other options to having kids without getting pregnant. Thousands of babies and kids out there need homes. My wife and I just adopted a baby girl in Feb of this year after trying 10 years to have one of our own, and I know I couldnt love her anymore even if she was my own flesh and blood.
But, if you are unsure if you want kids at all, wait. Never just "wing it" and put everyones happiness at risk. A child doesnt ask to be born into this world, so they shouldnt be made to feel unwanted by anymeans.0 -
If your sole reason for not wanting kids is a "fear of getting fat" then I don't see how you'll deal with other issues such as:
- your time will be devoted to raising another human
- you'll have less money
- child's needs will come before yours
- your life will change a lot
- etc.
You don't sound like you're cut out for motherhood at this point in your life.0 -
I'm 5'5. I was very healthy at your weight.
That said, having kids does not make you fat more than anything else can make you fat. It's all about how you take care of yourself before, during, and after pregnancy. If you want kids, go for it. If you don't, that's not selfish.0 -
If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.
Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.
I have to say I don't agree, my mother didn't know if she wanted kids when she got pregnant, but said after she had us she definately wanted us and is an experience she would never change, she also is/was an excellent mother and I really wouldn't trade her for any other mother on the planet. How about if you don't have a job or means to support a child, are addicted to drugs, abuse anything, or only care about and take care of yourself DONT HAVE KIDS. Just because someone isn't sure if they want kids doesn't mean they don't want kids or wouldn't be an awesome parent. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility of course some people (ESPECIALLY responsible ones that would probably make great parents) would waiver back and forth in their thought process about it, at least it shows they care about the decision and it's important to them. Life's important decisions are not black and white, and there isn't always an easy answer that you're 100% sure about.
Glad that your mother says it worked out for her. I still stand by what I said and I completely disagree with you.0 -
It's not selfish. To me, the reasoning is a little strange, but everyone has their own reasons for everything.
You'll be judged regardless of what you do. Don't have kids? You're selfish. Have 1 child? You're depriving them of a sibling. Have 2 children? When's the next, because 3's easier than 2! ...
Do what you want. If you want to wait and see if you actually DO what to give birth, wait! If you want a child but not the pregnancy (I can relate, I had 2 nearly 10 pound babies, I was overweight as it is, and my pregnancies were very rough), look into adoption.
Do you know anyone with an infant? Babysit for 4 hours. You'll know for sure then!
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Kids didnt make me fat, stuffing my face and using pregnancy and breastfeeding as an excuse did.0
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I've had a few friend who never wanted kids, I was one myself before an accidental pregnancy at 19. I cannot wait to have another, as my son is now 6 but we are waiting for our wedding next year before trying.
I don't think I have ever met a person who had a unplanned baby and ended up regretting it. Even those who never wanted one say the couldn't imagine life without them.
I would, however, suggest working on your self esteem first if you do choose to have one.
Do you think that any one would actually come out and admit to someone that they regret having their children? I can't imagine what kind of backlash/judgement that person would receive.
I know a couple of people who have expressed this sentiment. They love their children, but still admit that they think they would have been happier if they'd never had them.
Actually, if you count the men who are divorced and having to pay lots of money for kids they rarely get to see, I know more than a couple who say this.0 -
"If you're not 100% sure you want kids, then don't have them."
I have to wonder how many people saying this are parents themselves?
We're designed to get married, have children, and raise families. There's an element of satisfaction and fulfillment that comes from so doing that you can't get in any other way, and that you can't predict or foresee. I hate to put it this way, but those who aren't parents just can't understand this. And any parent who denies it is incredibly selfish, not to mention short-sighted.
Children are an incredible blessing and treasure to anyone who is willing to look past the momentary inconveniences, and see the beauty of the moment and the potential for the future.0 -
I don't think I'll ever want kids. I love kids....as long as I can return them to their parents at the end of the day! I am selfish as well, I want to be able to get up and go out whenever I want without having to be responsible for someone else's life. Sounds pretty selfish, I know. Better to admit that than to have children and be an irresponsible parent. A lot of people tell me that I'll change my mind when I get older, but I don't really see that happening.
If you're not sure....maybe you should keep waiting.
This is me ^. I like SOME kids. But then I see kids acting ridiculous on the streets and hear stories about s*xually active kids and I think... Nope, i don't want to deal with that. I love my nephew to death, but I also love that he is my brother's responsibility and not mine.
Thankfully my boyfriend doesn't want kids either. If I change my mind or it happens accidently, that's great. But as of right now, no kids for me.0 -
Every mother tells me that children are worth everything. They are the best thing ever happened to them. However, I've never experienced the joy of having kids.
I love my daughter and I wouldn't wish her away, but I would have had a perfectly happy, fulfilling life without her. Not every mother feels that way.
Ditto this. I love my kids and can't imagine life without them, but I had them for the simple reason that I was getting older and I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Becoming a mother has been the most difficult adjustment of my life. I don't regret it -- I really do love my kids! But I would have had a happy and fulfilling life without them, too.0 -
I have 3 kids, they didn't make me fat. I made me fat as well as my hypothyroidism. I got some stretch marks, but that's about it from the kids. I only gained 24 lbs with my 3rd who is 3 weeks old now and the baby weight is completely gone.
Too true! It's not the babies making us fat! We do that all on our own! I am hypothyroid as well, Been battling weight my whole life!
I love my kids, and my life would not be the same with out them! Sure there are things we could do easier with out them but doing things with them is the best part! Seeing things thru their eyes and having that unconditional love and trust is like nothing you have ever felt!
I honestly find it harder to take the dog places when we go somewhere! lol
OP you may need time and you may decide that kids are not for you! Either way there is no selfishness in what you do! The selfish thing would be to have kids you don't want and not be a good parent because of it!
Take care and good luck hun!
Chelle0 -
If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.
Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.
I have to say I don't agree, my mother didn't know if she wanted kids when she got pregnant, but said after she had us she definately wanted us and is an experience she would never change, she also is/was an excellent mother and I really wouldn't trade her for any other mother on the planet. How about if you don't have a job or means to support a child, are addicted to drugs, abuse anything, or only care about and take care of yourself DONT HAVE KIDS. Just because someone isn't sure if they want kids doesn't mean they don't want kids or wouldn't be an awesome parent. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility of course some people (ESPECIALLY responsible ones that would probably make great parents) would waiver back and forth in their thought process about it, at least it shows they care about the decision and it's important to them. Life's important decisions are not black and white, and there isn't always an easy answer that you're 100% sure about.
Glad that your mother says it worked out for her. I still stand by what I said and I completely disagree with you.
what are your reasons for completely disagreeing? also if someone isn't 100% sure and they accidently get pregnant should they have an abortion because they aren't sure? This isn't a perfect world and people accidently get pregnant all the time so that would be a lot of abortions if you have to be 100%.
I would agree with you but that would be in a perfect world. I wish it were that easy0 -
Have kids but ONLY if you truly want to have children. They are a lot of work!!! They also bring a lot of joy and meaning to life. If the ONLY reason you are questioning whether or not you want children is your fear of gaining weight and not being able to lose it then DON"T let that fear stop you. I promise you that once your child is here you won't care about a few added pounds. Your fear is that you will gain weight and you may end up being thinner AFTER pregnancy. I have had 2 children and I weighed my lowest weight when my second child was a year old. They keep you sooo busy. So deciding whether or not to have a child is a huge decision that can't be taken lightly. Good luck!!!0
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i love having kids, i have 5! wish i had more!0
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It's how you feel. I really hate how society makes women feel that not wanting to bear children makes them a freak. I'm now 42 and have never wanted to actually bear children. The thought of being pregnant gives me the chills and I'm not a big baby person but I would like a family. If you don't want to ruin all the hard work you've accomplished with your body you have every right. You can still have a family....adopt.
You know what you want and you should stick to your guns. Too many women get bullied into having children or think it's what they are SUPPOSED to do and then are unhappy the rest of their lives over what they had to give up.0 -
I strongly agree with this. Creating a life is a big deal and is a decision that should require a lot of thought. Look at all the reasons you do and don't want kids and figure out what matters most to you. Having kids or not having kids is not selfish. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.The selfish thing would be to have kids you don't want not be a good parent because of it!
Chelle0 -
that drive to have kids will only get worse, it's natrual. If you want kids dont wait too long as the risks increase once you hit your mid 30's. You have to ask yourself what's more important for the future what your body will look like in 5 years or do you want to have a child in your later years.
You arent selfish if you decide kid's arent for you. That's your choice in life.0 -
I totally respect a person's decision not to have children. It's not selfish, it's just a choice and a completely valid one. But keep this in mind...
YOU WILL GET OLD ANYWAY.
Your body is going to change someday whether you have babies or not. Just think, when you get to be seventy, will you look back and be grateful that you had ten or fifteen more years of a thin, perfect body or will you miss not having children and grandchildren around you?0 -
that drive to have kids will only get worse, it's natrual. If you want kids dont wait too long as the risks increase once you hit your mid 30's. You have to ask yourself what's more important for the future what your body will look like in 5 years or do you want to have a child in your later years.
You arent selfish if you decide kid's arent for you. That's your choice in life.
Great minds...0 -
I don't think it's selfish at all. Having children is hard, raising them is harder. I for one have always wanted to be a mommy ever since i canI remember. Being a parent is very rewarding, but it is hard work. My brother and sister in law have decided to not have kids, it does make me a little sad because I think they would be great parents, and I would love a little niece or nephew running around. But I also believe that if you don't want kids you shouldn't have them.
Also I'm smaller now than I was before I had my daughter! So don't let that hold you back!0 -
If you don't want kids, for whatever reason, it's your progative. People who tell you that you need to have them, or that your lack of want for them is "selfish" can take a step back, look at the population problem and ask how on Earth not contributing is selfish.
I don't want kids, and I despise it when people try to convince me that I should have them for whatever reason.0 -
I don't have any little polluters yet :drinker: that's not to say I won't in the future. We love traveling and working in different countries and exploring other cultures, I feel a child at this point in my life would be a bad idea.0
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if the only reason you don't want kids some day is cause you'll get fat then adopt. Tons of children out there need parents. you can be a mother and not have to gain a single pound. But if you want your OWN children then you need to seriously think about what you want. If a fear of getting fat is your only reason then maybe you don't really want kids. Which is 100% ok but you have to be honest with yourself. I'm not sure I want kids for whole bunch of selfish reasons that may sound selfish but isn't it just as selfish to bring a child into this world if you're not sure you can give it everything it needs. In the end it's up to you and it's your body and life so don't feel guilty for not wanting kids. Not everyone has to have children.0
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If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.
Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.
So wise!0 -
Its ok to not have kids.
I have 2 that are biologically mine and I also carry other peoples biological children for them b/c they can't for many different reason - I'm called a Gestational Surrogate -, after 4 pregnancies and now on my fifth, I can tell you that I have FINALLY reach my pre-pregnancy weight of my first born (my son) from 9 yrs ago. My stomach looks like a butt crack due to my first ever c-section (traditional incision, from belly button to pubic bone), and I have stretch marks all over my stomach - and no, they are not tiger stripes to me -. My stomach and love handles are slimmer and smaller then before, but it will never look like someone's who has never had children or multiple children with massive weight gain to go with it.
Would I not have had children if I new the above? No, I KNEW I wanted children, but I would of waited until my late twenties instead of having my first at the age of 20. My children are the love of my life and also the bane of it. Everyday they do something so amazing I can't believe I was able to create such an amazing human being, then there's other days I feel so stressed out I contemplate a psycho ward.
There is no rush for you to have children IF you want them, if you don't, then thoroughly enjoy all the excess $ you have and the places you can go that I could only dream of
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If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.
Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.
Definitely this.
I don't have kids and at my age, I won't be having any. Some people are shocked when I tell them I don't have kids, like there is something wrong with me. Like I tell people, just because I am equipped, it doesn't mean I am obligated. Having kids is not for everyone, and if you aren't sure at this point, BE sure before you do have any.0 -
"If you're not 100% sure you want kids, then don't have them."
I have to wonder how many people saying this are parents themselves?
We're designed to get married, have children, and raise families. There's an element of satisfaction and fulfillment that comes from so doing that you can't get in any other way, and that you can't predict or foresee. I hate to put it this way, but those who aren't parents just can't understand this. And any parent who denies it is incredibly selfish, not to mention short-sighted.
Children are an incredible blessing and treasure to anyone who is willing to look past the momentary inconveniences, and see the beauty of the moment and the potential for the future.
Who said you had to be married? Who said that every human being WANTS to have children or raise families? I have a male cousin and male friend (31-33yrs) who have said that they NEVER want to have children and are fulfilled by the many neices, nephews, and cousins they have. It is every adults choice to choose, and any adult who feels pressured into having children b/c of someone else, should phsycially or verbally put that 'someone' in their place.
OP - Just a side note: Children are like farts, you like your own but not other peoples 0
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