He wants kids, I don't....
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My recent ex and i split because we were on different paths... It's been only a month, and while it hurts, it wasn't going to work out for us... I was ready to settle into marriage, as my career is stable - and he just went back to school to get his degree, as he's in a dead end job. I should have left sooner, I stuck around because I was comfortable and kept thinking "well maybe things will change..."
Nope.
We were together only half the time you've been with your boyfriend, but maybe your boyfriend is starting to think it's a good idea because his mother says so? or maybe he really does feel ready? I think that's a chat you need to have with him.
there are 3 deal breakers in all relationships - Finances, Religion, and Kids. At least that's what I learned. My ex and I couldn't agree on 2 of the 3, so it was for the better in the end that we broke it off.
I wish you luck!0 -
in your original post you ended with: "I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?"
Why ask for advice if you will only consider agreeing with someone who validates what you are already setting in your mind. You obviously are very self-centered, and after reading through your posts it definitely confirms it. You want want you want in your relationship and don't seem to consider that maybe your boyfriend of over a decade actually wants to settle down and have a family with the woman he LOVES. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you and have something beautiful created between the two of you, yet you are doubting him and whether or not he means it or can think for himself, THEN choosing your "career" over him and the possibility of a beautiful life where you CAN have your cake and eat it too. I am not being rude, just honest.
She's 24!! Get off your pulpit. I suppose you think as long as he gets to keep his career it's all dandy for her to throw away the last 6 years of education to get where she is. If they were having the conversation at 30 there'd be warrant, at 24 are you kidding me?! Grow up, life isn't butterflies and unicorns where you live happily ever after just because you spend your life "with someone you love" and have "something beautiful created between the two of you" children are not fulfulling to everyone. She shouldn't sign on to something that isn't fulfilling to her, and neither should he, but it's not just black and white and give him a baby and live happily ever after.
I am guessing, "nice guy" who's been romantically devastated, frequently / future men's rights activist
you hit that nail on the head there! lolol
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in your original post you ended with: "I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?"
Why ask for advice if you will only consider agreeing with someone who validates what you are already setting in your mind. You obviously are very self-centered, and after reading through your posts it definitely confirms it. You want want you want in your relationship and don't seem to consider that maybe your boyfriend of over a decade actually wants to settle down and have a family with the woman he LOVES. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you and have something beautiful created between the two of you, yet you are doubting him and whether or not he means it or can think for himself, THEN choosing your "career" over him and the possibility of a beautiful life where you CAN have your cake and eat it too. I am not being rude, just honest.
She's 24!! Get off your pulpit. I suppose you think as long as he gets to keep his career it's all dandy for her to throw away the last 6 years of education to get where she is. If they were having the conversation at 30 there'd be warrant, at 24 are you kidding me?! Grow up, life isn't butterflies and unicorns where you live happily ever after just because you spend your life "with someone you love" and have "something beautiful created between the two of you" children are not fulfulling to everyone. She shouldn't sign on to something that isn't fulfilling to her, and neither should he, but it's not just black and white and give him a baby and live happily ever after.
I am guessing, "nice guy" who's been romantically devastated, frequently / future men's rights activist
you hit that nail on the head there! lolol
Well, just in case (benefit of the doubt) there is any misunderstanding around what the use of quotes has been for lately, I am not saying you are actually nice.
Perhaps you are religious?
(note - not saying all religious people think like this, just, have seen some who do)0 -
Well, just in case (benefit of the doubt) there is any misunderstanding around what the use of quotes has been lately, I am not saying you are actually nice.
Perhaps you are religious?
(note - not saying all religious people think like this, just, have seen some who do)
If you're asking honestly and not being condescending or sarcastic I would have to say honestly that no I am not religious, I've read up and explored various ones, but one never concretely set in.0 -
Congrats I reckon' for the 8yrs, getting a degree and doing a job you truly seem to love with the desire to climb the ladder. I don't get the going to therapy part, I mean your not even married. Just have another serious sitdown. See where the cards fall If he don't agree and still let's mom and other influence him, then..hate to say it (8yrs is a long time I s'pose), but I'd end it, as hard as that might be.0
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Whether or not you want children is a private conversation that nobody else can answer for you.
The real question I have is why in the world you would want to stay with a man who involves his mommy so heavily in your lives and in your sex lives.
You do know that this will be the pattern for the rest of your lives together, right? Every little decision will need to be vetted by mommy, and yours will count for less. When people show you who they are, believe them.0 -
Personally, at 24, I was having fun and dating people and trying to launch my career. By 29, I was married with my career really working out well and I was able to get to the next goal in my life. I certainly wasn't ready for marriage, but if he is then it's time to really sit down and talk.
Here's the thing. If you don't want to have children and he does, if you decide to get married, that will cause a divorce. You both need to want the same important things in life. If you don't then it is time to face it and move on. It's just a sad, sad, sad reality of it. You are young where you don't need to worry about these things. You also haven't been dating a whole lot of people either. You haven't dated someone else since early high school. If this is a contention point then maybe you should reconsider whether this relationship is everything to you or not.0 -
Here's what my experience has been. My husband and I both wanted children. Within 5 months of getting married, I was pregnant. And my life has changed dramatically (as it should have). I recently got "dumped" by an old friend because I had been unable to make time in my schedule for her for about 3 months. Sometimes I get to go on dates with my husband, but my daughter is usually with us. This is the life I WANTED. If that doesn't sound good to you but it's what he wants, do you BOTH a favor and bow out. Kids are not for everyone and that's perfectly ok. But there is no compromise on having them or not. Both of you deserve to have the life you want.0
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I'm at my breaking point with this struggle. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years now. We met when I was a senior in high school. We were together through me going to 4 years of college- I've been graduated for almost 3 years now, we’ve lived together for the last 2. This was never an issue until his mother (:grumble: ) started bringing it up ALL the time.... Which has led him to think that we need to settle down, buy a house, have kids, the whole shebang...
I went to college for art, and I'm now a graphic designer. Throughout this whole relationship, I've always said that after college I didn't want to settle down for at least 5-6 years because I wanted to get my career on track first. I want to eventually move either South or to a bigger city with more job opportunities for me, but for now I’m working my first job and gaining experience so I can get a better (higher paying) job. He always agreed with this and said that it’s ok, he understands. I’ve always said that the option of having kids is THE farthest thing from my mind right now- I may never want them. I don’t know. And it was never a huge issue. But now, his brother is dating a girl who has a 3-year old. So that’s not helping the situation. His mother is pushing him every time she sees him, which makes me think that this is all happening because he thinks that what we’re *supposed* to do. Other people are pushing for their own selfish reasons and not thinking of us as a couple. No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself.
I’ve been considering asking him if he will go to couples therapy with me to get to the bottom of this, to see if it’s actually him wanting these things or if it’s just what he thinks we’re supposed to do because everyone says we should. He’s agreed to therapy before, now I just need to pull the trigger… But I think I’m just scared of what may come out of it.
I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?
I don't have time to read the whole thread so I'm sorry if this has already been said, but...
1. You're so young. You don't have to decide right now if you want to have kids. You still have a good 15 years to make that decision.
2. Just because you get married doesn't mean you're going to be tied down to a mortgage and 2.3 brats and a kitchen apron. Get married if you want to, but keep working on your career, move to wherever you need to move for your career. You don't have buy a house just because you're married. What does he do for a living? Can his career move with yours?
3. Tell him to make his mother back off. If he doesn't, you will. There's nothing worse than a meddling mother-in-law.
It's too bad you have his whole family putting this kind of pressure on you. I didn't have to deal with this from my family, but my husband certainly did. He even had family members teasing him about possibly being gay because he didn't get married until he was 42.
Stick to your guns! Gotta run. Good luck!0 -
Great Googly Moogly. Nope, haven't read every post - got bored about midway through.
OP - I volunteer with some groups who provide free legal information (not advice - we're not practicing law without a license before anyone goes there).
Kids, in your situation, ARE going to be the deal breaker. I see it every day - one half of the couple (and you really are two halves of one couple, as well as being your own person) has a deep desire to have children, and the other doesn't...and inevitably if one side caves it not only leads to resentment but it actually hurts the child, too.
Kids pick up on everything. If you're absolutely certain that you do NOT want kids at this point in your life, you need to be honest with yourself and him...and the children who may result from you giving in and going against your deepest wishes.
If nothing else, put him and you aside and think of the children. Kids know. They're little sponges who absorb things even when they can't articulate what they're feeling as a result.
If it were me, I'd stand my ground and I'd have to seriously consider whether or not I want to stay in the relationship. This isn't a new car you're disagreeing over; this is another life.
Good luck - stick to your guns.
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Whether or not you want children is a private conversation that nobody else can answer for you.
The real question I have is why in the world you would want to stay with a man who involves his mommy so heavily in your lives and in your sex lives.
You do know that this will be the pattern for the rest of your lives together, right? Every little decision will need to be vetted by mommy, and yours will count for less. When people show you who they are, believe them.
He isn't going to his mother about wanting children the mother is the one pushing the issue when she sees him (read the second paragraph in the original post where it talks about his brother dating a girl who has a 3-year old.). My guess is in the form of "When are you going to settle down with her? When are you having children? Look at your brother. He has kids. Why don't you? When are you and your girl going to make me a grandma" etc. etc. as are the other people pushing the subject.
Coming from someone who has no children and who will never have children but who has a sister who has one there is some pressure from the family to have kids. I was getting it from my mother for a while until I flat out let her know that under no circumstances were we going to have children, that it was our decision and if she couldn't deal with it that was her problem, not mine.0 -
I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.
Yeah... It's just going to get rough when it's to the point of "We need to break up because we don't have the same life goals".
I feel like he's going to eventually see that it wasn't him that wanted this, but other people being selfish and not considering us.
I personally think you should break up. People change as they get older. I know my views are different than they were when I was 18, 24, hell even last year. Im 36. My opinion is you need to get out thee and experience life and find the real you. Sounds like you have been living the "us" and not you.0 -
The real issue here is that she is thinking about herself and assuming her BF can't have his own opinion. Either he's following HER influence about not wanting kids or he's following his mother's about wanting them. It can't possibly be that at one point in his very short life, he was OK with not having them and he's now changed his mind.I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.
Yeah... It's just going to get rough when it's to the point of "We need to break up because we don't have the same life goals".
I feel like he's going to eventually see that it wasn't him that wanted this, but other people being selfish and not considering us.
I personally think you should break up. People change as they get older. I know my views are different than they were when I was 18, 24, hell even last year. Im 36. My opinion is you need to get out thee and experience life and find the real you. Sounds like you have been living the "us" and not you.
The OP is being extremely selfish, as evidenced further by her responses in this thread to people offering genuine advice.0 -
A possibility also could be his mother bringing this up made him realize that he does want to have kids. It could be a million other things! Its better to talk to him about it openly and you also need to make up your mind whether You want or dont want to have kids at all. The "Might" word will give him wrong hopes that one day you will be ready.0
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I would be a bit hesitant coming to quite so many conclusions about someone's apparent character flaws just based on a handful of posts to be honest...
It's one thing sharing one's own experience and seeing if anything resonates with the OP, versus these attempts at online psychoanalysis (or character assassination).0 -
A possibility also could be his mother bringing this up made him realize that he does want to have kids. It could be a million other things! Its better to talk to him about it openly and you also need to make up your mind whether You want or dont want to have kids at all. The "Might" word will give him wrong hopes that one day you will be ready.
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^ I agree
Go your separate ways, wasting your time and his.0 -
Her nasty responses to anyone who didn't back up the conclusion she's already drawn were enough. Sometimes you only need a handful of forum posts.I would be a bit hesitant coming to quite so many conclusions about someone's apparent character flaws just based on a handful of posts to be honest...
It's one thing sharing one's own experience and seeing if anything resonates with the OP, versus these attempts at online psychoanalysis (or character assassination).
And also her disrespect for the man she wants to marry.0 -
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I think you're going to starve to death! You've been asking for a sammich al day.She's got enough advise on the subject by now. She would go make me a sammich!0 -
She's got enough advise on the subject by now. She would go make me a sammich!
I agree
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Always knew relationships were a major pain...anyway, drop him and move on. simple. he may be a great guy, but send him back to mommy....i'm still with my "mommy" 0
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No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself.
oh.
Oh I'm sorry that working in factories is not considered professional. That sounded a little superficial . Be careful what you type because ppl could take offense to this comment.0 -
I never wanted to have kids, and I am now 36 and have not felt any closer to wanting them lately as I did when I was 16, 21, 25, 30...
Everyone's different.
I do know that in my late teens and college years, I dated guys who knew they eventually wanted to become fathers, and that freaked me out...especially w/ the guy who I was briefly engaged to, and lived with for a couple of years. I knew it would be a problem if we didn't have kids and I wasn't willing to bank on that not happening.
Later (at 25) I married a guy who was infertile. Our marriage ended 9 yrs later for several reasons, but one of many was the fact that he deeply resented his friends who had kids. I always thought he was relieved to be sterile since he did not seem to like children anyway. But it was a source of pain for him.
Now I'm engaged to a guy who is so serious about never wanting kids, he had a vasectomy at age 32.0 -
So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.
Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...
WTF are you talking about? All of my friends are parents of beautiful children...all of them had children because they wanted children. I've never seen "peer" pressure to have kids in this day and age...if anything, there's more pressure to forgo the family and climb the corporate ladder in this day and age.
^ in that case, consider yourself lucky dude!
I live through the complete opposite! As one lady above stated: ".. it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen... "
How is it possible to have such different experiences in this "day and age" ? Must be sorcery!
Everyone I know, including myself, who have had children have had to make substantial career sacrifices. It is extraordinarily difficult to climb the corporate ladder and maintain a family life at the same time. Don't get me wrong..I do know some high rollers who have kids...of course, they barely see them and they've been divorced about a million times. But really, the vast majority of people I know who have kids have given up high level executive positions and /or potential for those positions because they actually want a family and kids. There is far more pressure to ditch the family and climb the ladder than vice versa in my experience.
That's all I was saying...I had to quit a high level, sky is the limit in RE to earning potential due to pressures of my bosses wanting me to work a gazillion hours and travel for work all of the time rather than actually be with my family. Of course, the reasoning was that if I do this I'm actually better providing for them...I could give them anything they wanted. Of course, at the same time I'd would have seen my kids for a couple hours on a Sunday and that would be about it....but see...I actually WANTED to have kids and a family and I don't have some kind of weird animosity towards them...I can't even imagine that and personally, I think that's pretty F'd.
Sorcery indeed....0 -
excellent point...after reading your post I decided who am I to say what someone should do or not do. Very glad you posted!I would be a bit hesitant coming to quite so many conclusions about someone's apparent character flaws just based on a handful of posts to be honest...
It's one thing sharing one's own experience and seeing if anything resonates with the OP, versus these attempts at on line psychoanalysis (or character assassination).
Now..can you post this same thing on the top of every thread created on the boards?!:laugh:
Can you imagine how much calmer they would be?:flowerforyou: 0 -
it may have been his mother planting the seed.....but he has waited 8 years!!!! I am shocked that you two are no talking of marriage first of all. But if he wants kids and you don't. then end it now because it is only going to get harder. If he really did not want kids yet then when you are alone he would not mention it but only in front of his family (mom).
This will not go away, even more so with his brother's gf have a 3 yr old it will only convince him that he is ready for a family.
As for your "goals". A family does not prevent them. If you want a job in a city then apply now, you have been working in your field for years already, just do it. Or are you holding back and him as well?0 -
If he is adament about wanting kidsand you are adament about not having them, then perhaps consider parting ways. This is a MAJOR issue that neither of you should have to compromise on.0
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Her nasty responses to anyone who didn't back up the conclusion she's already drawn were enough. Sometimes you only need a handful of forum posts.I would be a bit hesitant coming to quite so many conclusions about someone's apparent character flaws just based on a handful of posts to be honest...
It's one thing sharing one's own experience and seeing if anything resonates with the OP, versus these attempts at online psychoanalysis (or character assassination).
And also her disrespect for the man she wants to marry.
I haven't noticed her being "nasty" at all. You yourself have dished out some rather snarky posts at her and putting a flower behind them does not take away from the passive aggressive sarcasm. By starting sentences with "the OP thinks...." I must assume that telepathy is within your gift as otherwise I would say, with all due respect, none of us know what the OP thinks.
Anyway I can see how this thread is going, so OP whatever you decide, I wish you well. :-)0 -
Her nasty responses to anyone who didn't back up the conclusion she's already drawn were enough. Sometimes you only need a handful of forum posts.I would be a bit hesitant coming to quite so many conclusions about someone's apparent character flaws just based on a handful of posts to be honest...
It's one thing sharing one's own experience and seeing if anything resonates with the OP, versus these attempts at online psychoanalysis (or character assassination).
And also her disrespect for the man she wants to marry.
I haven't noticed her being "nasty" at all. You yourself have dished out some rather snarky posts at her and putting a flower behind them does not take away from the passive aggressive sarcasm. By starting sentences with "the OP thinks...." I must assume that telepathy is within your gift as otherwise I would say, with all due respect, none of us know what the OP thinks.
Anyway I can see how this thread is going, so OP whatever you decide, I wish you well. :-)
You just can't go anywhere or say anything these days without p!ssing someone off... :laugh:0 -
I'm in a similar relationship, 5 years, both doing our thing, see no point in getting married and we both don't want to have kids. Just talk to him and make sure you settle the issue to see that your still on the same path together.0
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