He wants kids, I don't....

Whether or not you want children is a private conversation that nobody else can answer for you.

The real question I have is why in the world you would want to stay with a man who involves his mommy so heavily in your lives and in your sex lives.

You do know that this will be the pattern for the rest of your lives together, right? Every little decision will need to be vetted by mommy, and yours will count for less. When people show you who they are, believe them.

He isn't going to his mother about wanting children the mother is the one pushing the issue when she sees him (read the second paragraph in the original post where it talks about his brother dating a girl who has a 3-year old.). My guess is in the form of "When are you going to settle down with her? When are you having children? Look at your brother. He has kids. Why don't you? When are you and your girl going to make me a grandma" etc. etc. as are the other people pushing the subject.

Coming from someone who has no children and who will never have children but who has a sister who has one there is some pressure from the family to have kids. I was getting it from my mother for a while until I flat out let her know that under no circumstances were we going to have children, that it was our decision and if she couldn't deal with it that was her problem, not mine.

I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.

Yeah... It's just going to get rough when it's to the point of "We need to break up because we don't have the same life goals".
I feel like he's going to eventually see that it wasn't him that wanted this, but other people being selfish and not considering us.

I personally think you should break up. People change as they get older. I know my views are different than they were when I was 18, 24, hell even last year. Im 36. My opinion is you need to get out thee and experience life and find the real you. Sounds like you have been living the "us" and not you.

The real issue here is that she is thinking about herself and assuming her BF can't have his own opinion. Either he's following HER influence about not wanting kids or he's following his mother's about wanting them. It can't possibly be that at one point in his very short life, he was OK with not having them and he's now changed his mind.

The OP is being extremely selfish, as evidenced further by her responses in this thread to people offering genuine advice.

I would be a bit hesitant coming to quite so many conclusions about someone's apparent character flaws just based on a handful of posts to be honest...

It's one thing sharing one's own experience and seeing if anything resonates with the OP, versus these attempts at online psychoanalysis (or character assassination).

I would be a bit hesitant coming to quite so many conclusions about someone's apparent character flaws just based on a handful of posts to be honest...

It's one thing sharing one's own experience and seeing if anything resonates with the OP, versus these attempts at online psychoanalysis (or character assassination).

Her nasty responses to anyone who didn't back up the conclusion she's already drawn were enough. Sometimes you only need a handful of forum posts.

And also her disrespect for the man she wants to marry.

She's got enough advise on the subject by now. She would go make me a sammich!

I agree

No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself.

oh.

Oh I'm sorry that working in factories is not considered professional. That sounded a little superficial . Be careful what you type because ppl could take offense to this comment.

So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.

Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...

WTF are you talking about? All of my friends are parents of beautiful children...all of them had children because they wanted children. I've never seen "peer" pressure to have kids in this day and age...if anything, there's more pressure to forgo the family and climb the corporate ladder in this day and age.

^ in that case, consider yourself lucky dude!

I live through the complete opposite! As one lady above stated: ".. it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen... "

How is it possible to have such different experiences in this "day and age" ? Must be sorcery!

Everyone I know, including myself, who have had children have had to make substantial career sacrifices. It is extraordinarily difficult to climb the corporate ladder and maintain a family life at the same time. Don't get me wrong..I do know some high rollers who have kids...of course, they barely see them and they've been divorced about a million times. But really, the vast majority of people I know who have kids have given up high level executive positions and /or potential for those positions because they actually want a family and kids. There is far more pressure to ditch the family and climb the ladder than vice versa in my experience.

That's all I was saying...I had to quit a high level, sky is the limit in RE to earning potential due to pressures of my bosses wanting me to work a gazillion hours and travel for work all of the time rather than actually be with my family. Of course, the reasoning was that if I do this I'm actually better providing for them...I could give them anything they wanted. Of course, at the same time I'd would have seen my kids for a couple hours on a Sunday and that would be about it....but see...I actually WANTED to have kids and a family and I don't have some kind of weird animosity towards them...I can't even imagine that and personally, I think that's pretty F'd.

Sorcery indeed....

it may have been his mother planting the seed.....but he has waited 8 years!!!! I am shocked that you two are no talking of marriage first of all. But if he wants kids and you don't. then end it now because it is only going to get harder. If he really did not want kids yet then when you are alone he would not mention it but only in front of his family (mom).

This will not go away, even more so with his brother's gf have a 3 yr old it will only convince him that he is ready for a family.

As for your "goals". A family does not prevent them. If you want a job in a city then apply now, you have been working in your field for years already, just do it. Or are you holding back and him as well?

I would be a bit hesitant coming to quite so many conclusions about someone's apparent character flaws just based on a handful of posts to be honest...

It's one thing sharing one's own experience and seeing if anything resonates with the OP, versus these attempts at online psychoanalysis (or character assassination).

Her nasty responses to anyone who didn't back up the conclusion she's already drawn were enough. Sometimes you only need a handful of forum posts.

And also her disrespect for the man she wants to marry.

I haven't noticed her being "nasty" at all. You yourself have dished out some rather snarky posts at her and putting a flower behind them does not take away from the passive aggressive sarcasm. By starting sentences with "the OP thinks...." I must assume that telepathy is within your gift as otherwise I would say, with all due respect, none of us know what the OP thinks.

Anyway I can see how this thread is going, so OP whatever you decide, I wish you well. :-)

I'm in a similar relationship, 5 years, both doing our thing, see no point in getting married and we both don't want to have kids. Just talk to him and make sure you settle the issue to see that your still on the same path together.