Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if.......
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Not wrong at all! You have to do what's best for you in these situations.0
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I would definitely leave someone who did not want marriage or kids. However, I always make that crystal clear fairly early in the relationship before it gets serious.0
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What do you think is the RIGHT thing to do?0
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people change.0
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does he not want to get married ever or just not right now? if its a big problem for you, then only you can make the decision of what to do, but make sure you talk it out with him and get it all out first, why he doesn't want to get married or have more kids, why you do, etc. I would not have stayed with my husband if he didn't want to get married, because I would have to wonder why he didn't want to make a commitment to me after so many years, is he just keeping his options open? And if wanting another kid is a new thing, give him time to adjust to that, he may change his mind later, or it may all just seem like too much right now. You do have a child together though, so that complicates it a bit.0
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If the grass is greener on the other side, you need to pay more attention to your own lawn.
LOVE this. Absolutely LOVE.0 -
That's because the matriarchial babystealing culture oppresses men.back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
You can't "fix" having completely different values, fundamentally.. It's a pretty huge dealbreaker when one person wants kids, and the other person doesn't.
There's nothing to fix in that situation. If one person bends so the other person gets what they want, they'll end up bitter and resenting him/her for it in the long run.
that is wrong, my husband and I have been together 7 1/2 years and we don't have the same views and fight hard for our marriage. Anything can be saved, but people would rather throw something away like a tantrum then fix what they have. I wanted kids way back then and now I told my husband I didn't want any. He shrugged and said we will get there when we get there. We both will be 27 this year and have been to counseling and have fixed out marriage that was HORRIBLE from the start. So to sit there and say you can't fix a marriage based off of different wants or needs that is so wrong. its called COMPROMISE!
I say compromise is great if someone is willing to settle for not having something important, like having kids. I don't think that will work for everyone, and I don't think it means she is throwing something away instead of fixing. That is a big and tough decision to make. I have a friend who made that decision. Now she is almost 40, they have split up and where does that leave her? 40 with no kids and probably a slim chance of having any. Though not impossible, of course.
OP-go with your heart. If you feel this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then leave. No use waiting to see what happens. In the end, it's it's something you don't feel you could live with, then don't.
Yes but her main focus should be that of her child she has now! that is his/her dad and she is talking about leaving him due to him not wanting more kids. To me that is totally shocking if that is the only issue they are having ( which I am sure it is not). I just know from coming from a broken family at that age and it hurt badly and I blamed myself for a ton of things that went on that obviously wasn't my fault. But as a kid you just think those things.
What a fascinating assumption (made by everyone in this thread so far, I believe) that she would gain custody of their child.0 -
yes I think you should do what makes you happy.0
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I have read every single persons response and WORDS CAN NOT EXPRESS OUT APPRECTIVE I AM (I wrote big to prove it lol) Ok here it goes… He is the BEST FATHER I could ask for, a WONDERFUL hard workingman. We had our ups and downs over the years, but nothing we couldn’t fix! It took a while (a lot to do with age) for us to get where we are now and really happy! That’s why now I was talking about marriage because we are in a better place!! I am truly happy but not complete! I want to get married; I love him and would love to have his last name like our son has! I just feel like I’m not part of the “family” because we have different last names (I know is sounds dumb). I’m tired of saying my boyfriend, man etc… I want to have that ring and his last name (fyi: ugh this is embarrassing, I already have a ring, it was my grandmother and all he had to do it clean and re-size it!) I understand his nervousness about marriage, everybody in his family divorced, even his parents, after 30 years being together. But they all got married for the wrong reasons; they got pregnant (old school). I don’t want to get married because of our son, I want to get married because I love him and want that next step. My son even asks him to marry me!! The reason why I post this up here because I don’t have friends that I can trust there advice and my mother is not the one to ask for advice!
My fears if I leave: That is doesn’t get much better then him, that he was the “one” for me and our son will have an unnecessary broken home. I know hell be there for him, but its nothing like having two parents under the same roof!
Fears if I stay: Never will get married, and will be 50 years old, still not married and not having another child, all I want is two and I'm good, don’t want to regret anything and have “what ifs” I HATE “what ifs”
Curve ball: He does want to buy a house with me though0 -
I would definitely leave someone who did not want marriage or kids. However, I always make that crystal clear fairly early in the relationship before it gets serious.
we got pregant just a year and some change into our realationship and never really talk about the future, i was so young it wasnt on my mind till recently because we are at a better place now!!0 -
I'd go with the ultimatum. For some strength to follow thru, try here... www.markgungor.com
You'll laugh your butt off and learn a few things to boot.0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
If the grass is greener on the other side, you need to pay more attention to your own lawn.
i dont think the grass is greener!!! we just want VERY different things for our future!0 -
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Marriage is a lifetime commitment. He is saying quite clearly that he is not willing to make a lifetime commitment with you. In other words, he reserves the right to leave at any time.
You can fight to save a marriage, but you don't have a marriage. You have a man who has an opt-out clause.
and this is what i think sometime, more now that i read it coming from someone else!!0 -
I have read every single persons response and WORDS CAN NOT EXPRESS OUT APPRECTIVE I AM (I wrote big to prove it lol) Ok here it goes… He is the BEST FATHER I could ask for, a WONDERFUL hard workingman. We had our ups and downs over the years, but nothing we couldn’t fix! It took a while (a lot to do with age) for us to get where we are now and really happy! That’s why now I was talking about marriage because we are in a better place!! I am truly happy but not complete! I want to get married; I love him and would love to have his last name like our son has! I just feel like I’m not part of the “family” because we have different last names (I know is sounds dumb). I’m tired of saying my boyfriend, man etc… I want to have that ring and his last name (fyi: ugh this is embarrassing, I already have a ring, it was my grandmother and all he had to do it clean and re-size it!) I understand his nervousness about marriage, everybody in his family divorced, even his parents, after 30 years being together. But they all got married for the wrong reasons; they got pregnant (old school). I don’t want to get married because of our son, I want to get married because I love him and want that next step. My son even asks him to marry me!! The reason why I post this up here because I don’t have friends that I can trust there advice and my mother is not the one to ask for advice!
My fears if I leave: That is doesn’t get much better then him, that he was the “one” for me and our son will have an unnecessary broken home. I know hell be there for him, but its nothing like having two parents under the same roof!
Fears if I stay: Never will get married, and will be 50 years old, still not married and not having another child, all I want is two and I'm good, don’t want to regret anything and have “what ifs” I HATE “what ifs”
Curve ball: He does want to buy a house with me though
After reading this...DEFINITELY listen to Mark Gungor.
If this man is the way you are describing, he'll realize just how important this is to you. Fear is paralyzing. But, it can also be a great motivator.0 -
If you want to get married and he doesn't after that long of a time together than I would definitely say it's time to move on and find someone that is willing to commit to you.0
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Yes, I think that is a reason to leave somebody. I would at least try counselling first... If you really love somebody and want to be with them, what is there to lose? Especially if there is a child involved.0
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As far as the same surname goes. There is always the option to just legally change your name to his. Then you will all have the same last name. Not everyone wants a marriage. However, that doesn't mean they don't want a lifetime commitment.0
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I have read every single persons response and WORDS CAN NOT EXPRESS OUT APPRECTIVE I AM (I wrote big to prove it lol) Ok here it goes… He is the BEST FATHER I could ask for, a WONDERFUL hard workingman. We had our ups and downs over the years, but nothing we couldn’t fix! It took a while (a lot to do with age) for us to get where we are now and really happy! That’s why now I was talking about marriage because we are in a better place!! I am truly happy but not complete! I want to get married; I love him and would love to have his last name like our son has! I just feel like I’m not part of the “family” because we have different last names (I know is sounds dumb). I’m tired of saying my boyfriend, man etc… I want to have that ring and his last name (fyi: ugh this is embarrassing, I already have a ring, it was my grandmother and all he had to do it clean and re-size it!) I understand his nervousness about marriage, everybody in his family divorced, even his parents, after 30 years being together. But they all got married for the wrong reasons; they got pregnant (old school). I don’t want to get married because of our son, I want to get married because I love him and want that next step. My son even asks him to marry me!! The reason why I post this up here because I don’t have friends that I can trust there advice and my mother is not the one to ask for advice!
My fears if I leave: That is doesn’t get much better then him, that he was the “one” for me and our son will have an unnecessary broken home. I know hell be there for him, but its nothing like having two parents under the same roof!
Fears if I stay: Never will get married, and will be 50 years old, still not married and not having another child, all I want is two and I'm good, don’t want to regret anything and have “what ifs” I HATE “what ifs”
Curve ball: He does want to buy a house with me though
Can you try a trial separation?.
Live separately for a wee bit and see how things are.
^^^ This, and I bet it wouldn't take long for him to realize he's losing. I wouldn't tell him that it's a trial separation though. He may think that you're not serious.0 -
How important to you is being officially married? It sounds like he still wants to be with you, raise a child and have a home.0
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I was with someone for 7 1/2 years. the last 3 years he decided he wasn't ready for marriage or kids. I kept trying to hang on in hopes hed change his mind, because i KNEW i wanted children. I loved him and wanted to stay with him. Eventualy everything fell to pieces because i was not happy, and i was frustrated. My honest opinion, you can;t change a person. Men are simple. they know what they want. And they are usually pretty straight forward about it (usually..) If you know in your heart that this is what you want..don't expect him to change his mind for you. A man who is truly in love with you, will do anything he can to make you happy. but you shouldn't have to force your dreams and goals on him, or anyone for that matter. Find someone who wants the same things as you. Don't believe you can't do better. You can still be friends and be good parents. Staying together for a child, if you arent already married, is pointless IMO. it usually does more damage because the parents are always arguing or not getting along.
And a really easy observation.,..you are asking this. if you are having doubts already. You already know the answer to your own question. been there, done that. it's your decision/choice. No one elses. If you are too scared of what the future holds, that is on you. 10 years from now you can't blame anyone else for your unhappiness but yourself (if you are unhappy). its not easy. but i left. i was single for 2 years..and figured out WHO I WAS and WHAT I WANTED. I am 29 years old. And finally met a man who wants the same things as I do..who encourages me, supports me and pushes me to be a better version of myself everyday. you can do the same thing. You deserve that in a love.
Have a little faith in yourself. You deserve to smile and be happy as much as the next girl. Don't settle for maybe. Best wishes. :flowerforyou:
Edited for huge amounts of typos..dang fingers.:embarassed:0 -
I think you should just sit down and have a discussion with him about how you feel. When my husband and I first started dating, he literally moved in with me a month after our first date. His history was that he had lived on and off with a girl for 5-6 years and he moved to my state to get away from that relationship, when she started hinting that they should get married (it was a toxic relationship, which is why it was on and off). I told him from the beginning that I wasn't interested in a long term living-together relationship. If we were still living together in three years with no desire to get married, then we needed to split up and go our separate ways. He was 30 and I was 23 when we started dating.
I didn't want to be a long-term girlfriend. I wanted a partner that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He proposed 9 months later and we were married 6 months after that. We've been married almost 21 years.
If he's a good man and you don't think you could ever find better, then it's worth fighting for. Couples counseling would be a great place to start.0 -
If the ONLY issue is him not wanting to get married, then yes, I would say it is foolish to leave him. You have a kid together.0
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What?? You people are crazy!! You should absolutely leave him! If I understand the post, you have been together 6.5 years and aren't married, but you have a 4 year old. If you aren't married yet, then why stay in the commitment?? You can do bad by yourself. You have already made the mistake of giving him the milk without making him buy the cow so he is complacent and doesn't have to fully commit.
Before couples get together, they have to really evaluate their relationship. You have to look past all the emotions and REALLY evaluate things.
My wife and I have been married (I can't say happily married because there have been some rough times) for 5 years now and dated on and off for 8 years prior to that. We are still learning each other and realize that we don't like some things about the other. However, before we got married, I talked to her about 3 issues that were non-negotiable in our relationship and she complied. That's is what I based my decision on to marry her.
You need to evaluate your non-negotiables and put them on the table. If he can't get on board, then move on! You are still young. You can still raise the child with him, it will just not be the conventional family (but how many of those are even left in today's society???) This will let him know that you are serious and light a fire under him. Or you leave and find someone who has the same values as you do and start a family with that person. Then the 4 year old can be raised in a home with 2 parents even if the father isn't his/her father.
Those are my thoughts. I hope it helped. If not, ignore it. 0 -
Some of the advice in here is really, really bad. Not that I am surprised.
I AM kind of looking forward to the inevitable future posts about how dating is hard and the woes of finding only "loosers". :laugh:0 -
Talk with him, ask him why. For my husband the children thing was fear. Financials, not being good enough, straining our relationship.
If it is due to lack of love then yes end it! But if it is fears work though it. Maybe agree on getting married but sticking to only one child. You don't need a big wedding, lots of men fear the craziness that comes with brides. Budget and bridezillas. Explain to him why you want these things and hear him out.
I am 26 and my husband is 30. We have been together 5 years and married for 3. He finally agreed to try for a child after I had accepted that I married a man that didn't want any. It came down to him just being afraid. I admitted I am too but in life everything happens for a reason.
Men have a hard time doing things in life that they fear of failing at. Did he come from a divorced family? Alot of siblings? These are factors to look at.
Good luck & I sent a friend request.
-Kristen0 -
should've thought about this a little sooner than six and a half years. No reason to force him into marriage if you're happy. It's only a title. If you're not happy then do something about it.0
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Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if they don't want to get married or have anymore kids?
Break down: 6 1/2 years together and 4 1/2 year old
Im 25 (26 in February) he 30
Do either of you even lift?0 -
You're exactly right. I just went through a horrible divorce that ended in November of last year. My ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. Not going in to any details. We had decided when we got married that we wanted 2 kids, we have 1 beautiful daughter, and after she was born, he said he absolutely didn't want another. It broke my heart. While I was pregnant his attitude was better towards me. In the end, with all the abuse, I still tried to make it work. He told me that he wasn't "in love" with me anymore. That I had changed since our daughter was born.
If you feel you're going in 2 seperate directions, don't worry, lean on faith and family/friends. Do what YOU need to do, for YOU and YOUR child.0
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