Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if.......

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  • jess135177
    jess135177 Posts: 186 Member
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    How important to you is being officially married? It sounds like he still wants to be with you, raise a child and have a home.
  • Sarahndipity30
    Sarahndipity30 Posts: 312 Member
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    I was with someone for 7 1/2 years. the last 3 years he decided he wasn't ready for marriage or kids. I kept trying to hang on in hopes hed change his mind, because i KNEW i wanted children. I loved him and wanted to stay with him. Eventualy everything fell to pieces because i was not happy, and i was frustrated. My honest opinion, you can;t change a person. Men are simple. they know what they want. And they are usually pretty straight forward about it (usually..) If you know in your heart that this is what you want..don't expect him to change his mind for you. A man who is truly in love with you, will do anything he can to make you happy. but you shouldn't have to force your dreams and goals on him, or anyone for that matter. Find someone who wants the same things as you. Don't believe you can't do better. You can still be friends and be good parents. Staying together for a child, if you arent already married, is pointless IMO. it usually does more damage because the parents are always arguing or not getting along.

    And a really easy observation.,..you are asking this. if you are having doubts already. You already know the answer to your own question. been there, done that. it's your decision/choice. No one elses. If you are too scared of what the future holds, that is on you. 10 years from now you can't blame anyone else for your unhappiness but yourself (if you are unhappy). its not easy. but i left. i was single for 2 years..and figured out WHO I WAS and WHAT I WANTED. I am 29 years old. And finally met a man who wants the same things as I do..who encourages me, supports me and pushes me to be a better version of myself everyday. you can do the same thing. You deserve that in a love. :)

    Have a little faith in yourself. You deserve to smile and be happy as much as the next girl. Don't settle for maybe. Best wishes. :flowerforyou:


    Edited for huge amounts of typos..dang fingers.:embarassed:
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    I think you should just sit down and have a discussion with him about how you feel. When my husband and I first started dating, he literally moved in with me a month after our first date. His history was that he had lived on and off with a girl for 5-6 years and he moved to my state to get away from that relationship, when she started hinting that they should get married (it was a toxic relationship, which is why it was on and off). I told him from the beginning that I wasn't interested in a long term living-together relationship. If we were still living together in three years with no desire to get married, then we needed to split up and go our separate ways. He was 30 and I was 23 when we started dating.

    I didn't want to be a long-term girlfriend. I wanted a partner that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He proposed 9 months later and we were married 6 months after that. We've been married almost 21 years.

    If he's a good man and you don't think you could ever find better, then it's worth fighting for. Couples counseling would be a great place to start.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    If the ONLY issue is him not wanting to get married, then yes, I would say it is foolish to leave him. You have a kid together.
  • jabarih
    jabarih Posts: 65 Member
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    What?? You people are crazy!! You should absolutely leave him! If I understand the post, you have been together 6.5 years and aren't married, but you have a 4 year old. If you aren't married yet, then why stay in the commitment?? You can do bad by yourself. You have already made the mistake of giving him the milk without making him buy the cow so he is complacent and doesn't have to fully commit.

    Before couples get together, they have to really evaluate their relationship. You have to look past all the emotions and REALLY evaluate things.

    My wife and I have been married (I can't say happily married because there have been some rough times) for 5 years now and dated on and off for 8 years prior to that. We are still learning each other and realize that we don't like some things about the other. However, before we got married, I talked to her about 3 issues that were non-negotiable in our relationship and she complied. That's is what I based my decision on to marry her.

    You need to evaluate your non-negotiables and put them on the table. If he can't get on board, then move on! You are still young. You can still raise the child with him, it will just not be the conventional family (but how many of those are even left in today's society???) This will let him know that you are serious and light a fire under him. Or you leave and find someone who has the same values as you do and start a family with that person. Then the 4 year old can be raised in a home with 2 parents even if the father isn't his/her father.

    Those are my thoughts. I hope it helped. If not, ignore it. :)
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    Some of the advice in here is really, really bad. Not that I am surprised.

    I AM kind of looking forward to the inevitable future posts about how dating is hard and the woes of finding only "loosers". :laugh:
  • netsirk12
    netsirk12 Posts: 220 Member
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    Talk with him, ask him why. For my husband the children thing was fear. Financials, not being good enough, straining our relationship.

    If it is due to lack of love then yes end it! But if it is fears work though it. Maybe agree on getting married but sticking to only one child. You don't need a big wedding, lots of men fear the craziness that comes with brides. Budget and bridezillas. Explain to him why you want these things and hear him out.

    I am 26 and my husband is 30. We have been together 5 years and married for 3. He finally agreed to try for a child after I had accepted that I married a man that didn't want any. It came down to him just being afraid. I admitted I am too but in life everything happens for a reason.

    Men have a hard time doing things in life that they fear of failing at. Did he come from a divorced family? Alot of siblings? These are factors to look at.

    Good luck & I sent a friend request.

    -Kristen
  • CookNLift
    CookNLift Posts: 3,660 Member
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    should've thought about this a little sooner than six and a half years. No reason to force him into marriage if you're happy. It's only a title. If you're not happy then do something about it.
  • KeViN_v2pt0
    KeViN_v2pt0 Posts: 375 Member
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    Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if they don't want to get married or have anymore kids?


    Break down: 6 1/2 years together and 4 1/2 year old


    Im 25 (26 in February) he 30

    Do either of you even lift?
  • ShelbysMama
    ShelbysMama Posts: 6 Member
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    You're exactly right. I just went through a horrible divorce that ended in November of last year. My ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. Not going in to any details. We had decided when we got married that we wanted 2 kids, we have 1 beautiful daughter, and after she was born, he said he absolutely didn't want another. It broke my heart. While I was pregnant his attitude was better towards me. In the end, with all the abuse, I still tried to make it work. He told me that he wasn't "in love" with me anymore. That I had changed since our daughter was born.

    If you feel you're going in 2 seperate directions, don't worry, lean on faith and family/friends. Do what YOU need to do, for YOU and YOUR child.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
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    I have read every single persons response and WORDS CAN NOT EXPRESS OUT APPRECTIVE I AM (I wrote big to prove it lol) Ok here it goes… He is the BEST FATHER I could ask for, a WONDERFUL hard workingman. We had our ups and downs over the years, but nothing we couldn’t fix! It took a while (a lot to do with age) for us to get where we are now and really happy! That’s why now I was talking about marriage because we are in a better place!! I am truly happy but not complete! I want to get married; I love him and would love to have his last name like our son has! I just feel like I’m not part of the “family” because we have different last names (I know is sounds dumb). I’m tired of saying my boyfriend, man etc… I want to have that ring and his last name (fyi: ugh this is embarrassing, I already have a ring, it was my grandmother and all he had to do it clean and re-size it!) I understand his nervousness about marriage, everybody in his family divorced, even his parents, after 30 years being together. But they all got married for the wrong reasons; they got pregnant (old school). I don’t want to get married because of our son, I want to get married because I love him and want that next step. My son even asks him to marry me!! The reason why I post this up here because I don’t have friends that I can trust there advice and my mother is not the one to ask for advice!


    My fears if I leave: That is doesn’t get much better then him, that he was the “one” for me and our son will have an unnecessary broken home. I know hell be there for him, but its nothing like having two parents under the same roof!

    Fears if I stay: Never will get married, and will be 50 years old, still not married and not having another child, all I want is two and I'm good, don’t want to regret anything and have “what ifs” I HATE “what ifs”

    Curve ball: He does want to buy a house with me though


    Unfortunately there's no compromise in this situation; one of you is going to end up doing/not doing something you do/don't want to. Especially where there are kids involved.

    You are afraid of leaving him because ultimately he sounds like a good guy and it's obvious you love him. but ask yourself this: in 30 years time, when you are still unmarried or without the children you wanted, are you still going to love him? Or will you resent him because of it?

    You need to sit down with this man and have a serious conversation. Tell him everything you've told us. Make it clear what you want and ask the same of him. You need to reach a decision, if not for you but for the sake of your child. And believe me, two seperated but happy homes are better than one miserable one. Good luck.
  • ChristinaOrtiz23
    ChristinaOrtiz23 Posts: 1,546 Member
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    You are afraid of leaving him because ultimately he sounds like a good guy and it's obvious you love him. but ask yourself this: in 30 years time, when you are still unmarried or without the children you wanted, are you still going to love him? Or will you resent him because of it?

    THIS!!!!! PERFECTLY SAID!!!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I think people are jumping too far ahead. They are young. There is time. No need to jump ahead to 30 or 50 years. A lot of change happens in that time.

    What if you leave him and can't find another person that wants to have children and in 30 years from now you had a broken family, raised your child alone (with joint custody hopefully), and never had any more children? Leaving him is not a guarantee that you will have more children. My mother had my twin brother and I and spent her life in abusive relationships, no more children, and ultimately alone. Now, my mother's situation was different because my father was an abuser and she then went straight into a 7 year relationship with an even worse abuser. Sometimes relationships don't work because the individual needs to work on themselves. Individual counseling may be a good idea.
  • tiggerhammon
    tiggerhammon Posts: 2,211 Member
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    Not specifically speaking from any sort of experience here, buuut...

    I think the big problem is that you're telling us about it and not him?

    If you aren't properly communicating with him this leaves so many possibilities open.
    Maybe you aren't properly listening to him?
    Case in Point: My sister threw the exact same fit when she married her husband. They were married 6 months and she started freaking out cause he had decided he didn't want kids. She, out of anger, decided she was going to talk to him. For this reason, she got to be miserable in her own terrible silence for almost 3 months before decided to start communicating with him properly and discovered that, in fact what he meant, was he didn't want kids any time soon. He had decided he wanted to wait a few years. Then ended up having their first on their 6th wedding anniversary.
    Maybe he hasn't had the opportunity to fully hear you out because you aren't talking to him instead of venting here?
    Did he in fact say, I want absolutely no more children! Ever! ... ?

    Now, if he indeed say this. If you have tried thoroughly discussing this conversation with him. If you have explained your desire to have children even if it means going elsewhere (yes, he needs warning.) Then, if he still refuses to budge, I would say perhaps it is time.
  • tiggerhammon
    tiggerhammon Posts: 2,211 Member
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    So say you were married and he decided he didnt want anymore kids. Would you want to walk away from that too? I think too many people make things so disposable.

    You already have the family without that piece of paper - whooopity do! That piece of paper does NOT change anything.

    I think compromising on the actual marriage isn't as big of a deal.
    It's the one person wanting kids and the other not that is concerning.
  • Stump_Likker
    Stump_Likker Posts: 2,059 Member
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    Nothing wrong with kicking someone to the curb for whatever reason.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I feel like people don't understand that they already have a child together. We don't know what his reasons are for not wanting to have another...they may be important and practical reasons. And if you are happy together why break up just because he doesn't want a wedding and a marriage license. Yeah, if you are truly unhappy in an irreparable way (like he beats you or you fight nonstop) then you don't have to stay in that, and if you don't have kids then feel free to do whatever you want. But, they already have a child together. I can't even fathom how people can say, "Sure, break up your family, go out and find some other guy, so you can have more kids." What?!? :noway:
  • Mobilemuscle
    Mobilemuscle Posts: 945 Member
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    I think people should shackle themselves to one person no matter what.... that is the nature of humans right? Completely monogamous till the end.
  • fionarama
    fionarama Posts: 788 Member
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    She's not just talking about two people. There are THREE involved. And the littlest most important person is the one thats going to hurt the most so ....
  • ThePlight
    ThePlight Posts: 3,593 Member
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    I think the most important thing in this scenario is the child.

    And children tend to do better where their parents are separated but on amicable terms rather than together and acrimonious.
    Very well said, sir. I concur.

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