Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if.......
Replies
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Why would he get married? He gets everything he wants without commitment.0
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What if his dream, his goal, was to have a mistress? I mean it might not be what the OP wants for him/them but if she really loved him she would help him make that happen right? She knows it would make him more complete and fulfilled.
I hate it when women make a unilateral decision that the man will have no mistress.
Women are selfish like that.... they just can't see how reasonable it is.
love hildy@mywifedoesntunderstandme.com0 -
Yeah to hell what makes HIM happy. :huh:If you've been together for that long and marriage is important to you, but he can't make the commitment, leave. By all means, you deserve a man who will do anything to make you happy.
I have no idea why this made me giggle so damn hard. Probably because I also speak fluent sarcasm. 0 -
The wont get married thing would be a deal breaker for me and not just because I'd want to be married. Marriage gives you certain legal rights and to me that's important when children are involved. I know a woman who had a child with a man and they didn't want to get married until "everyone" could get married ( she thought she was being so PC) fast forward to when she got pregnant....he refused to put her on his insurance so she had to figure out how to pay for their child to be born on her own. They live together but the house is in his name even though she contributes to the house payment and now guess what? Yep, they're having problems and she has NO rights whatsoever. Both people have to agree to having more kids definitely but if he couldn't even fully commit to me I'd be out of there. It is possible to raise your child together and be good parents without being together.
All of those legal issues can be handled in other ways without getting married. It just takes communication, compromise, and joint follow through... all of which are hallmarks of a real commitment and none of which are guaranteed by a marriage certificate.0 -
The wont get married thing would be a deal breaker for me and not just because I'd want to be married. Marriage gives you certain legal rights and to me that's important when children are involved. I know a woman who had a child with a man and they didn't want to get married until "everyone" could get married ( she thought she was being so PC) fast forward to when she got pregnant....he refused to put her on his insurance so she had to figure out how to pay for their child to be born on her own. They live together but the house is in his name even though she contributes to the house payment and now guess what? Yep, they're having problems and she has NO rights whatsoever. Both people have to agree to having more kids definitely but if he couldn't even fully commit to me I'd be out of there. It is possible to raise your child together and be good parents without being together.
All of those legal issues can be handled in other ways without getting married. It just takes communication, compromise, and joint follow through... all of which are hallmarks of a real commitment and none of which are guaranteed by a marriage certificate.
The marriage certificate just protects you when the compromise and communication break down. I'd rather have law on my side then depend on someone's promise (they made when things were good)0 -
The wont get married thing would be a deal breaker for me and not just because I'd want to be married. Marriage gives you certain legal rights and to me that's important when children are involved. I know a woman who had a child with a man and they didn't want to get married until "everyone" could get married ( she thought she was being so PC) fast forward to when she got pregnant....he refused to put her on his insurance so she had to figure out how to pay for their child to be born on her own. They live together but the house is in his name even though she contributes to the house payment and now guess what? Yep, they're having problems and she has NO rights whatsoever. Both people have to agree to having more kids definitely but if he couldn't even fully commit to me I'd be out of there. It is possible to raise your child together and be good parents without being together.
All of those legal issues can be handled in other ways without getting married. It just takes communication, compromise, and joint follow through... all of which are hallmarks of a real commitment and none of which are guaranteed by a marriage certificate.
The marriage certificate just protects you when the compromise and communication break down. I'd rather have law on my side then depend on someone's promise (they made when things were good)
Call me crazy but I always thought relationships were supposed to be about love and commitment not forced legal benefits.
But again you can have all of those same legal protections via contracts, joint deeds, and so on, without a marriage certificate.0 -
If you've been together for that long and marriage is important to you, but he can't make the commitment, leave. By all means, you deserve a man who will do anything to make you happy.
and the man doesnt deserve a woman that will do anything to make him happy?0 -
The wont get married thing would be a deal breaker for me and not just because I'd want to be married. Marriage gives you certain legal rights and to me that's important when children are involved. I know a woman who had a child with a man and they didn't want to get married until "everyone" could get married ( she thought she was being so PC) fast forward to when she got pregnant....he refused to put her on his insurance so she had to figure out how to pay for their child to be born on her own. They live together but the house is in his name even though she contributes to the house payment and now guess what? Yep, they're having problems and she has NO rights whatsoever. Both people have to agree to having more kids definitely but if he couldn't even fully commit to me I'd be out of there. It is possible to raise your child together and be good parents without being together.
All of those legal issues can be handled in other ways without getting married. It just takes communication, compromise, and joint follow through... all of which are hallmarks of a real commitment and none of which are guaranteed by a marriage certificate.
The marriage certificate just protects you when the compromise and communication break down. I'd rather have law on my side then depend on someone's promise (they made when things were good)
Call me crazy but I always thought relationships were supposed to be about love and commitment not forced legal benefits.
But again you can have all of those same legal protections via contracts, joint deeds, and so on, without a marriage certificate.
Almost 17 years of marriage and 3 kids, a home, debt and everything that goes with that and in the middle of a divorce I'm more of a realist now. I went in to my marriage thinking it would be forever and it didn't work out that way. I'm grateful for the legal protection that piece of paper provided me and my children.0 -
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The wont get married thing would be a deal breaker for me and not just because I'd want to be married. Marriage gives you certain legal rights and to me that's important when children are involved. I know a woman who had a child with a man and they didn't want to get married until "everyone" could get married ( she thought she was being so PC) fast forward to when she got pregnant....he refused to put her on his insurance so she had to figure out how to pay for their child to be born on her own. They live together but the house is in his name even though she contributes to the house payment and now guess what? Yep, they're having problems and she has NO rights whatsoever. Both people have to agree to having more kids definitely but if he couldn't even fully commit to me I'd be out of there. It is possible to raise your child together and be good parents without being together.
All of those legal issues can be handled in other ways without getting married. It just takes communication, compromise, and joint follow through... all of which are hallmarks of a real commitment and none of which are guaranteed by a marriage certificate.
The marriage certificate just protects you when the compromise and communication break down. I'd rather have law on my side then depend on someone's promise (they made when things were good)
Call me crazy but I always thought relationships were supposed to be about love and commitment not forced legal benefits.
But again you can have all of those same legal protections via contracts, joint deeds, and so on, without a marriage certificate.
Almost 17 years of marriage and 3 kids, a home, debt and everything that goes with that and in the middle of a divorce I'm more of a realist now. I went in to my marriage thinking it would be forever and it didn't work out that way. I'm grateful for the legal protection that piece of paper provided me and my children.
Sorry about your troubles. Certainly hope all works out well for you and yours.
Worth noting though... the alternative legal protections I referenced can actually be and generally are far superior to what the marriage certificate will supposedly give you and can prevent all the fighting and endless negotiating about who gets what. Even with a marriage certificate these alternatives can be employed to avoid those problems.0 -
i can't unerstand anything0
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The wont get married thing would be a deal breaker for me and not just because I'd want to be married. Marriage gives you certain legal rights and to me that's important when children are involved. I know a woman who had a child with a man and they didn't want to get married until "everyone" could get married ( she thought she was being so PC) fast forward to when she got pregnant....he refused to put her on his insurance so she had to figure out how to pay for their child to be born on her own. They live together but the house is in his name even though she contributes to the house payment and now guess what? Yep, they're having problems and she has NO rights whatsoever. Both people have to agree to having more kids definitely but if he couldn't even fully commit to me I'd be out of there. It is possible to raise your child together and be good parents without being together.
All of those legal issues can be handled in other ways without getting married. It just takes communication, compromise, and joint follow through... all of which are hallmarks of a real commitment and none of which are guaranteed by a marriage certificate.
The marriage certificate just protects you when the compromise and communication break down. I'd rather have law on my side then depend on someone's promise (they made when things were good)
Call me crazy but I always thought relationships were supposed to be about love and commitment not forced legal benefits.
But again you can have all of those same legal protections via contracts, joint deeds, and so on, without a marriage certificate.
Almost 17 years of marriage and 3 kids, a home, debt and everything that goes with that and in the middle of a divorce I'm more of a realist now. I went in to my marriage thinking it would be forever and it didn't work out that way. I'm grateful for the legal protection that piece of paper provided me and my children.
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Seriously? Don't presume to know what you think I do or do not realize. Unbelievable0 -
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:0 -
i understand that you started out with this person when you were very young and maybe didn't know what you wanted, or what you would want later on.
the thing is, though, that *right now* you have a child. so you are going to do something that might be bad for the child *you already have* in order to maybe have more children someday with another guy. think about the child you have already - does any of this sound like a good idea?
I got married youngish and had a child and got divorced and let me tell you that in the best of situations it's not a good thing for a child (and you don't know if you are in the best of situations). although children are resiliant and they do adapt, it causes lifelong hurt and pain.
I would think long and hard about this. I understand that *the life you have right now* may not be the life you imagined or dreamed of. but it is the life you have and you are responsible not only for yourself but for your child.0 -
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Because no woman would do the things she mentioned, obviously.
Why does a woman need "protection"?
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:0 -
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
why in the hell would a woman WANT to stay with such a deadbeat? not being legally tied to someone like that would enable a woman to just pick up and leave just as easy as the man could. i think it works positively with both parties.0 -
The fact he wants to buy a house with you, shows a bigger commitment then getting married IMO. I think he may have a psychological issue with marriage. You don't have to be married, its just a legal document that can be broken. Its not like if you two got married that's it, you will never ever part ways ever ever and live happily ever after. I also agree with others, the child should always come first in any decision you make.0
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.. What a bunch of ignorant advice you're getting. You would have to give more details.. if you are unhappy then yes, you should leave the person. I stayed in a relationship that didn't have much sex (if any) and have been unhappy for years. I knew about the problem..just not that the lack of frequent sex would bother me so much. You have one life, don't waste it on someone not willing to make you happy and live life in compromise with you. Now, if they won't have kids because of something you knew in the beginning then no, it wouldn't be right to just skip out of a relationship if it's suddenly a little sour. You talk it through and find out why..if they won't compromise then maybe it's time you move on (there are so many factors that weigh into this, though).. some people are stepping stones in our lives to move on to the next best thing for us.
"back in my day you didn't just leave folks" yes.. .. Times change, you can't stay in a relationship and be unhappy for years thinking things will get better. Women are driven to have children..if they want one and you take it away that can be very traumatic .. and to live with that much "What if?!" would drive me nuts, personally. Also if I recall back in the day women and men stayed together regardless of happiness.. That isn't much of a life.0 -
Shouldn't you have been married when you were pregnant five years ago? I don't know the circumstances of things, but that should have given you the clue that the guy only wants a F buddy, not a "better half"
The decisions the two of you make not only affect yourselves, but your child's life, also. Does he have a job with health insurance, a 401k/pension? You and your child(ren) have little if no rights to these assets without being married.0 -
Not specifically speaking from any sort of experience here, buuut...
I think the big problem is that you're telling us about it and not him?
This0 -
I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, I have a 11 year ild. NO wi am 41 and he is 31 he is okay with no more kids and I am okay with not being married. He has never been married and I have. But now that he knows I am okay with it he talks about getting married. I think if you wait he will decide to. If he is a good guy hold onto him, being a single mom sucks and good men are hard to find.0
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Shouldn't you have been married when you were pregnant five years ago? I don't know the circumstances of things, but that should have given you the clue that the guy only wants a F buddy, not a "better half"
The decisions the two of you make not only affect yourselves, but your child's life, also. Does he have a job with health insurance, a 401k/pension? You and your child(ren) have little if no rights to these assets without being married.
Because without marriage every romantic relationship is a mere FWB type affair? Maybe in your close minded sad little world.
I kind of pity you, if you didn't sound like such an *kitten*.0 -
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
Why does a woman need "protection"?
Duh... obviously women need to be "protected" to ensure the guy doesn't get to keep the stuff he bought that is in his name.
A marriage certificate doesn't protect men from the unscrupulous behaviour of greedy and gold digging women. Plenty of these women would be happy to walk off into the sunset with half of the money and the property (that the guy earned and paid for) without a second thought for the husband and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Both parties need and deserve real and fair protection, far beyond what a marriage certificate offers. The idea that women need more protection or legal rights than men is purely sexist, degrading to women imo, and downright immoral.0 -
.........and the reason men don't get married anymore
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
Why does a woman need "protection"?
Duh... obviously women need to be "protected" to ensure the guy doesn't get to keep the stuff he bought that is in his name.
A marriage certificate doesn't protect men from the unscrupulous behaviour of greedy and gold digging women. Plenty of these women would be happy to walk off into the sunset with half of the money and the property (that the guy earned and paid for) without a second thought for the husband and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Both parties need and deserve real and fair protection, far beyond what a marriage certificate offers. The idea that women need more protection or legal rights than men is purely sexist, degrading to women imo, and downright immoral.0 -
Wow, this thread has gotten sad.0
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No, so stop wasting his time.0
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This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?0 -
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?
Because SHE *needs* "protection"... gawd what don't you understand about that?0 -
Wow, this thread has gotten sad.
Have to agree.
Poor, poor men.0
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