Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if.......
Replies
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This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?
Because SHE *needs* "protection"... gawd what don't you understand about that?
From what? She can get off her butt and get a job, like everyone else, instead of leeching off her ex. They are no longer together, so he shouldn't still be responsible for her. She's an adult.0 -
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?
Because SHE *needs* "protection"... gawd what don't you understand about that?
So, if the agreement is that mom will stay home and raise the kids and dad will work to provide and things go wrong then screw mom? Not all women are gold diggers, geezus0 -
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This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?
Because SHE *needs* "protection"... gawd what don't you understand about that?
From what? She can get off her butt and get a job, like everyone else, instead of leeching off her ex. They are no longer together, so he shouldn't still be responsible for her. She's an adult.
Careful, you are making sense and using logic and stuff.0 -
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?
Because SHE *needs* "protection"... gawd what don't you understand about that?
So, if the agreement is that mom will stay home and raise the kids and dad will work to provide and things go wrong then screw mom? Not all women are gold diggers, geezus
Not all men are deadbeats, geezus
He deserves every bit as much protection from her "need" resulting from her sacrifice, as she deserves for her sacrifice. His sacrifice of his hard earned, and his own needs, are worthy of protection too.
Was the agreement that she would stay at home, raise the kids, and he would pay all the bills, but if she decided to leave him he would continue to pay all of the bills forever? So if she leaves, screw dad?
A mature and responsible couple would negotiate these issues calmly ahead of time, and make them legally binding ahead of time. Contracts, joint deeds, and so on.0 -
delete0
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As a man, I agree that this is a perfectly valid reason to leave someone. If they do not want the same future as you, then you either give up your desired future, or leave to go find it.0
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Just incase the OP ever comes back and wants a first hand account of someone that had a similar seneraio.
I was in a very similar situation. my babys dad and myself me 25 , him 30 had a child together and were together for a number of years. We were more or less volitile to eachother. I wanted to seek help- he did not. He refused to help our relationship get stronger and so instead of marrying him ( which was a ridiculous option) I had to leave. It sucks so bad but I share out son 50/50 ( i miss him so badly when hes gone its really tough) but me and his father are so much happier in our own lives apart than together. he gave me my son which im very greatful for. but I am now married to an amazing man and have the happiest most supported existence. This i could never have dreamed about before. My son is thriving. hes a brilliant, well adjusted child about to enter kindergarten.
I was torn when I left but I knew the fighting would never improve. I couldnt fix both of us all by myself and if he wasnt willing to help i could just stay unhappy and quiet about it or I could do something. so i did.
I take one look at my life now and I am so incredibly happy that I did that.0 -
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?
Because SHE *needs* "protection"... gawd what don't you understand about that?
So, if the agreement is that mom will stay home and raise the kids and dad will work to provide and things go wrong then screw mom? Not all women are gold diggers, geezus
Get a damn job -__- The only protecting anyone needs are those kids, and dad helping pay for food and clothes for them. That's it. if the wife cannot provide for the kids then maybe the dad should have the kids living with him, until mommy can get her act together.0 -
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?
Because SHE *needs* "protection"... gawd what don't you understand about that?
So, if the agreement is that mom will stay home and raise the kids and dad will work to provide and things go wrong then screw mom? Not all women are gold diggers, geezus
Get a damn job -__-
Why do that when she could get Alimony, Child Support, plus half of all his money and property? /snark0 -
I don't think there are many wrong reasons to leave someone, and if you genuinely want things in your future that he's not going to be able or willing to provide, then it's not wrong at all for you to end it.
However . . . the conversation about marriage and kids is one that's best had before you've been together for so long and before you've actually started making babies together. Just saying.0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
I agree. It seems people jump into these complicated relationships too fast and in 6 years they are shocked when they don't want the same things. It takes time to get to know someone. I really believe in doing all you can to stay with someone (especially if children are involved) unless you are in danger.
I am divorced, so I understand not being happy. Marriage is not about being happy all the time and getting to do everything you want. Marriage is about learning a mutual respect for each other so that you both learn what makes the other one happy and both genuinely strive for the other person's happiness at all time.
That being said, I am sure there are TONS of people who will disagree with me here, because that is what the world is coming to it seems. We all look out for ourselves and demand happiness from others and do very little to make others happy.0 -
It's a commitment to be married. It's also a major commitment to stay with someone if you're not married. Think about it. You're with someone for 50 years without a piece of paper tying you together. You share you life and your love. If he's afraid of commitment then he needs to be single. Explain to him he's already committed.0
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It's a commitment to be married. It's also a major commitment to stay with someone if you're not married. Think about it. You're with someone for 50 years without a piece of paper tying you together. You share you life and your love. If he's afraid of commitment then he needs to be single. Explain to him he's already committed.
No need to get married then since he's already committed?0 -
Dear OP,
Put Marriage aside for a few minutes..... i really believe that your partner is happy that you and he already have a wonderful 4 yr old and a great relationship. So you do have one child with him, i think your hormones, nature, natural body urges are telling you to have a 2nd child. YES, it would be nice but I think your partner loves the ONE child enough that he is already considering finances, maybe saving for college, planning the income projections etc.
No, I don't 100% know all that, but i do know a second child, when one child is already 4.5 years old means having to start all over again with bottles, diapers, childcare.......all of that.
As far as the marriage, in many states you do have some legal protections, esp since you have a child with him----if you leave him and move-on , good luck. Good Luck in meeting soemone who will be good to the child you have, love both you and your child AND be willing to have a second baby.
In my experience..if you have the choice, try to meet a Guy who is perhaps raising a child alone already; he may be more likely to appreciate your situation , want aother child and want everyone of you in his life and to be a part of his life.
Really, think this through--think about how complicated you may be making your life, you'll still have the other Man ( the one you are now with) in your life as he comes to your house, year after year, to pick up the child you have together for holidays, weekends...vacations.
I've watched this play out IRL and it can be done but be sure it is best for you long term.0 -
It's a commitment to be married. It's also a major commitment to stay with someone if you're not married. Think about it. You're with someone for 50 years without a piece of paper tying you together. You share you life and your love. If he's afraid of commitment then he needs to be single. Explain to him he's already committed.
No need to get married then since he's already committed?
That is correct.0 -
It's a commitment to be married. It's also a major commitment to stay with someone if you're not married. Think about it. You're with someone for 50 years without a piece of paper tying you together. You share you life and your love. If he's afraid of commitment then he needs to be single. Explain to him he's already committed.
No need to get married then since he's already committed?
That is correct.
I agree. Nice to see a real women who understands the difference between marriage and commitment, kudos to you.0 -
I think it is absolutly ok to leave. You have given him almost 7 years to make up his mind. You need to do what is best for you and if you really want more kids then you need to find someone who has the same goals and values and dreams as you.0
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This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?
Because SHE *needs* "protection"... gawd what don't you understand about that?
So, if the agreement is that mom will stay home and raise the kids and dad will work to provide and things go wrong then screw mom? Not all women are gold diggers, geezus
Get a damn job -__- The only protecting anyone needs are those kids, and dad helping pay for food and clothes for them. That's it. if the wife cannot provide for the kids then maybe the dad should have the kids living with him, until mommy can get her act together.
Charming. Kids actually have more needs than food and clothes but I won't bother spelling it out. And have the kids live with just dad? Definitely not in the best interest of the kids to lose a parent so, so much for your protecting children statement. Honestly I don't recall saying anyone had to pay for anyone exclusively...both parents are equally responsible to the best of their ability. If dad has worked the whole time and mom gave up her career for the benefit of her children her ability to provide the same life style will take time to accomplish. So in the mean time your attitude is punish the kids? I'm glad you're not a judge in family court0 -
lol @ the portrait of men as victims... *eye roll*
Yeah come back to me when there are domestic abuse shelters for men.0 -
Didn’t expect this at all, didn’t expect it to go all the way left and turn into legal thing!!… BUT all you guys made valid points, both sides. Some of you gave me EXCELLENT advice! So like someone said on here, I let him read some of your advices, Good or bad, from the woman and the men, older to younger. Let me clarify some things before I tell you my decision. My man is a wonderful, caring, hardworking, amazing father and man. He has his issues when it came to the “boyfriend” roll, but he changed for me the best way he could with our changing “himself”. The reason I posted this because I don’t have anyone to ask this question, I was wondering if I was over reacting, if I was right, was I communication enough and everything in between. I know posting on here I would get advice from every type of person, not just woman! I wanted to know other peoples views on this. I’m happy with him, very happy on what I have with him. I just was wondering if I was being selfish to leave him just because of what I THOUGHT his wants where! But thanks from some of your advice and personal messages, a lot has opened up and I do want to thank all of you, even the rude ones lol. I did have to push a little to get an answer but glad I did because I got some real answers. Like I said before, he has an issue with marriage, tons of family member have divorced through out the years. So I was telling him, that I would LOVE to walk down the aisle on our 10-year anniversary (05/19/17). He said he could do that, he thought if we get engaged, then we have to get married right away. I told him no, I want to be engaged for a little bit and then go from there. He said that’s understandable AND doable (didn’t expect that). Kids, he said he doesn’t want to raise another child of ours in an apartment, it’s to tight for the 3 of us, if you add another then its just ridiculous. So he said when we get a house, and if I really want another kid, then hell give that to me! He did add, as long as we aren’t struggling, then its possible. I said, ok THAT’S doable for me. We are now supposed to go house hunting next summer.
Reading all you’ll post and comments about money and kids and starting over with another kid made me realize that having another kid is NOT necessary but marriage is, and if its about compromising, then I say having a ring is more important then having another kid. I’m still young and learning and sometimes you think you want something and it can change overnight! I’m glad I post this up because I got more great advice in this post then I have in my whole life!! My decsion is to but my child 1st and I thought about how miserable he would be with out us both under the same roof and that KILLED ME. He said marriage is NOW in our future and POSSIBLE another child. Like some one said why would I leave something I know, to someone I dont know nothing about! You guys are amazing and thank you for helping me
-CHRISTINA0 -
lol @ the portrait of men as victims... *eye roll*
Yeah come back to me when there are domestic abuse shelters for men.
No, men are never victims, only women can be victims. :huh:
"Figures suggest that as many as one in three victims of domestic violence are male." from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic-violence-men-abused-by-women.htm
And many domestic abuse shelters are for men too. For example "With the exception of a few shelters that are congregate living settings, all domestic violence shelters in New York City are able to accommodate male victims. - See more at: http://www.cadvny.org/2009/09/14/help-for-men/#sthash.8dE6CUWW.dpuf" from http://www.cadvny.org/2009/09/14/help-for-men/
But we should probably just ignore those facts because if any women chooses to leave any man she should definitely get Alimony, Child Support, and half of all his money/property... because... ummmm.... some men beat some women?
Women are not inherently victims, men are not inherently perpetrators. The idea that they are is sexist and degrading, to both.0 -
Charming. Kids actually have more needs than food and clothes but I won't bother spelling it out. And have the kids live with just dad? Definitely not in the best interest of the kids to lose a parent so, so much for your protecting children statement. Honestly I don't recall saying anyone had to pay for anyone exclusively...both parents are equally responsible to the best of their ability. If dad has worked the whole time and mom gave up her career for the benefit of her children her ability to provide the same life style will take time to accomplish. So in the mean time your attitude is punish the kids? I'm glad you're not a judge in family court
So instead of the kids living with just dad, who can afford to support them in that scenario, they should live with mom who can't afford it? and dad should give mom Alimony, Child Support, and half of all his money/property?
How is that in the best interest of the kids? Why punish the kids and the father because the mom doesn't have enough money to support herself as a result of her own choices?
If mom gave up her career for the children, why should dad give mom alimony plus half of all his money/property? Unless he agreed that he would, on paper, in writing, in a formal legal document, I don't see how financially supporting her (after the divorce) is his responsibility just because she chose to give up her career. Supporting the children is one thing, of course he has a moral obligation there, but he doesn't owe mom money for mom in that scenario.0 -
Charming. Kids actually have more needs than food and clothes but I won't bother spelling it out. And have the kids live with just dad? Definitely not in the best interest of the kids to lose a parent so, so much for your protecting children statement. Honestly I don't recall saying anyone had to pay for anyone exclusively...both parents are equally responsible to the best of their ability. If dad has worked the whole time and mom gave up her career for the benefit of her children her ability to provide the same life style will take time to accomplish. So in the mean time your attitude is punish the kids? I'm glad you're not a judge in family court
So instead of the kids living with just dad, who can afford to support them in that scenario, they should live with mom who can't afford it? and dad should give mom Alimony, Child Support, and half of all his money/property?
How is that in the best interest of the kids? Why punish the kids and the father because the mom doesn't have enough money to support herself as a result of her own choices?
If mom gave up her career for the children, why should dad give mom alimony plus half of all his money/property? Unless he agreed that he would, on paper, in writing, in a formal legal document, I don't see how financially supporting her (after the divorce) is his responsibility just because she chose to give up her career. Supporting the children is one thing, of course he has a moral obligation there, but he doesn't owe mom money for mom in that scenario.
You're exhausting. Ok, you win, mom made that choice entirely on her own, no input from dad and should totally suffer the consequences...evil b*tch. Kids are better off with dad who works full time and mom was just a vessel to get them into this world. Who needs her? There, happy?0 -
This is so damn sad. And, you don't even realize it.
Unbelievably presumptious.
A marriage certificate does protect women from the unscrupulous behaviour of abusive and controlling men. Plenty of these men would be happy to walk off into the sunset with all the money and all the property without a second thought for the wife and kids. And enjoy the power trip of being 'one up' too!
Luckily the legal system doesn't allow that. I was delighted to see a guy jailed last month for refusing to disclose assets to the court.:bigsmile:
If it's HIS money then he can do whatever HE wants with it. Why should the wife get anything?
Because SHE *needs* "protection"... gawd what don't you understand about that?
So, if the agreement is that mom will stay home and raise the kids and dad will work to provide and things go wrong then screw mom? Not all women are gold diggers, geezus
some are0 -
And upon perusing this I am back tomy original statement regarding all these cases
Only the family lawyers win...everyone else loses0 -
But FYI, it's not just "his" property0
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You're exhausting. Ok, you win, mom made that choice entirely on her own, no input from dad and should totally suffer the consequences...evil b*tch. Kids are better off with dad who works full time and mom was just a vessel to get them into this world. Who needs her? There, happy?
Doesn't matter how much or how little input dad had, it was still her choice, and I still just can't see the logic behind the gigantic leap from that choice to alimony plus half his money/property.
So if kids are not better off with dad who works full time and can afford to support them, then you think they should be with mom and she shouldn't work? Because she has a womb she should get alimony plus half his money/property? Because she has a womb she would obviously be the better parent?
So dad should be punished because he works, makes money, and doesn't have a womb?0 -
But FYI, it's not just "his" property
If he bought it, with his money, and it's in his name... then yes by every conceivable and reasonable definition it is absolutely his property.0 -
OP it seems like (from the first page that I have read), that you know what you want. Why do you need our answers/approval? My biggest question is why did you have a kid with this person?0
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