Marriage vows.. why bother anymore?
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I don't stay because of my vows. I'm terrible at things I HAVE to do. I stay because I want to, even when I'm unhappy. I'm good at things that I want to do. It isn't my husband's fault that I can't be happy ALL the time.0
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I am hoping to marry the guy my parents chose for me. I am an old fashioned sorta gal.
If it doesn't work out, ah well, at least I will save on the cost of hiring a divorce lawyer, and that would make an old fashioned gal who knows a thing or two about pre-nup
I am meeting him tonight so here's to hoping it ends in marriage vows.
I'm honestly curious- do you live outside of the US where this is common practice or something?
In London.
But old fashioned.
Interesting. Was that something your parents wanted you to do, or did you ask them to pick someone out for you?
If it doesn't work out with this guy will you ask them to pick someone else or find someone on your own?
Again I'm honestly just curious, so I hope you don't read my questions in a negative way. :flowerforyou:0 -
So, bottom line is some work, some don't. If it doesn't affect you then.......so what?
As a child that grew up in a house where my siblings and I wished our parents would have just separated already, I can tell you that staying together "for the children" is pretty pointless. Kids are smart, they know when their parents are miserable and it DOES affect them more than you know.
As an ex-wife I can tell you that sometimes you just have no idea what someone is like. Some people are really good at hiding themselves from you until they think they "have you". Leaving was the best thing I could have done for both my children and myself. I am not going to go into detail but I will say it was a very unhealthy relationship.
I respect those that find the "right one" the first time. I expect the same respect in return for realizing that I had not and making the tough decision to leave.0 -
So I met this guy and agreed to a date. I was completely against marriage and he knew that from the get go.
Why bother? I still don't know. The commitment was there much longer than the ring.
Our son was 5 when his mother bullied him into marrying me (I wanted him to be happy so I said OK). She took over our wedding. Whatever. My revenge? Our anniversary is April Fool's day. Why? Because it was a joke. I didn't need to prove my commitment to anyone (like say - the government, his mom, my parents).
We've gone through some major *kitten* and while I thought about walking away one time, it wasn't a ring and piece of paper that kept me where I was. It was the willingness we both had to work it out. He listens. I listen. We talk.
Realistically, he doesn't wear his ring (I wonder if he even knows where it is). I wear a gold band so men leave me alone in the grocery. I would wear the band if we weren't married because it would serve the same purpose (there's no law saying you can only wear a gold band if you're married).0 -
Why bother? Because God said to do this. If both partners were to put the other one first there wouldn't be any problems.0
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I've seen these posts too and they piss me off. People are complaining about their spouse, in a public forum, secretly, where the spouse can't even give their side of the story. No wonder there's a problem in the marriage, communication has obviously gone out the window.
If you only want to be with someone for 5 years, don't get married. If you do get married, make sure the other partner knows it's just for financial reasons - or whatever - so both people have the same mindset.
Like to have sex with lots of people? That's fine! Have an open marriage. I know a couple that have been VERY happily married for over 10 years, in an open marriage. They are HONEST with each other.
Are you polyamorous? THAT'S FINE! Just admit it and find someone that's okay with it. Shouldn't be too hard, really. I'd bet there's a lot more poly people out there than most of us realize. And it's probably the reason so many marriages end in divorce - people aren't being honest with themselves or their partner.
Gay and in the closet? Come out!! Your friends and family probably know already anyways. Don't get in a fake marriage just because you're "supposed to." You're just going to hurt your spouse later on.0 -
I am hoping to marry the guy my parents chose for me. I am an old fashioned sorta gal.
If it doesn't work out, ah well, at least I will save on the cost of hiring a divorce lawyer, and that would make an old fashioned gal who knows a thing or two about pre-nup
I am meeting him tonight so here's to hoping it ends in marriage vows.
I'm honestly curious- do you live outside of the US where this is common practice or something?
In London.
But old fashioned.
Interesting. Was that something your parents wanted you to do, or did you ask them to pick someone out for you?
If it doesn't work out with this guy will you ask them to pick someone else or find someone on your own?
Again I'm honestly just curious, so I hope you don't read my questions in a negative way. :flowerforyou:
I asked them to.
I see- well best of luck to you, sincerely. :flowerforyou:0 -
I've seen these posts too and they piss me off. People are complaining about their spouse, in a public forum, secretly, where the spouse can't even give their side of the story. No wonder there's a problem in the marriage, communication has obviously gone out the window.
If you only want to be with someone for 5 years, don't get married. If you do get married, make sure the other partner knows it's just for financial reasons - or whatever - so both people have the same mindset.
Like to have sex with lots of people? That's fine! Have an open marriage. I know a couple that have been VERY happily married for over 10 years, in an open marriage. They are HONEST with each other.
Are you polyamorous? THAT'S FINE! Just admit it and find someone that's okay with it. Shouldn't be too hard, really. I'd bet there's a lot more poly people out there than most of us realize. And it's probably the reason so many marriages end in divorce - people aren't being honest with themselves or their partner.
Gay and in the closet? Come out!! Your friends and family probably know already anyways. Don't get in a fake marriage just because you're "supposed to." You're just going to hurt your spouse later on.
I have no issue with any of the points you've made. I think the tricky part is knowing what you want before you get married.0 -
That would differ with each individual. I spent years miserable and put up with a lot that I never should have for two reasons. One, because I have two kids and couldn't stand the thought of being a 2 weekend per month parent. And two, because I am a man of my word. If I give my word, I will walk through hell and b!tch slap the devil trying to keep it. That being said, when she decided to screw other guys, I felt I was morally released from any promise I made regarding staying with her.
And, if you are the religious type, Jesus agrees. See Matthew 19:9 <
THIS!
Wow awesome response. I am sorry you have been through all of that. You deserve so much more than that! Good luck in the future!0 -
As a child that grew up in a house where my siblings and I wished our parents would have just separated already, I can tell you that staying together "for the children" is pretty pointless. Kids are smart, they know when their parents are miserable and it DOES affect them more than you know.
As an ex-wife I can tell you that sometimes you just have no idea what someone is like. Some people are really good at hiding themselves from you until they think they "have you". Leaving was the best thing I could have done for both my children and myself. I am not going to go into detail but I will say it was a very unhealthy relationship.
I respect those that find the "right one" the first time. I expect the same respect in return for realizing that I had not and making the tough decision to leave.
This is so true. But IMO, the question isn't related to people with your situation. I've seen a lot of posts lately where someone - who wasn't looking to leave - was hit on by a cute person, or saw someone cute, or someone smiled at them, and now they suddenly are talking about cheating on their spouse. And they come to these forums to.... I guess get permission that it would be okay? I don't know what they're thinking. There's also the people that are losing weight, but their spouse isn't, so they don't know if they love them anymore. That makes me furious! The spouse loved them when they were fat, but now they can't love their fat spouse. People who get married shouldn't be thinking about leaving/cheating just because someone lost weight or got winked at.0 -
I've seen these posts too and they piss me off. People are complaining about their spouse, in a public forum, secretly, where the spouse can't even give their side of the story. No wonder there's a problem in the marriage, communication has obviously gone out the window.
If you only want to be with someone for 5 years, don't get married. If you do get married, make sure the other partner knows it's just for financial reasons - or whatever - so both people have the same mindset.
Like to have sex with lots of people? That's fine! Have an open marriage. I know a couple that have been VERY happily married for over 10 years, in an open marriage. They are HONEST with each other.
Are you polyamorous? THAT'S FINE! Just admit it and find someone that's okay with it. Shouldn't be too hard, really. I'd bet there's a lot more poly people out there than most of us realize. And it's probably the reason so many marriages end in divorce - people aren't being honest with themselves or their partner.
Gay and in the closet? Come out!! Your friends and family probably know already anyways. Don't get in a fake marriage just because you're "supposed to." You're just going to hurt your spouse later on.
I have no issue with any of the points you've made. I think the tricky part is knowing what you want before you get married.
Excellent point. I believe people change every 7-8 years as well. That can make things difficult.0 -
nobody wants to marry me :sad: but if i do happen to be ever so lucky ill be more than damn sure to try everything humanly possible to keep my marriage happy, passionate, alive...and strong. Granted I know its not going to be perfect and there will be struggles but ive been waiting so damn long for *him* ill cherish that relationship like no other
)
I'd marry you but it would upset my wife.
haha yea, lets not upset the wifey.0 -
..I highly recommend second marriages. Marrying at a later stage in life (50) is so different to when you are in your 20's. My life was forever changed for the better the day we met.
So divorce my husband now and marry someone else?
No! Divorce your husband now and marry him again the next day! ^_^ That's what Chris and I plan to do! We've known each other since 1999 over the net (it's not what you think), did long distance for 4 years (1 year as his fiance) and in 2005, a year after living together (we were both virgins on our wedding night for those preparing to sling mud). Been happily married for 8 years and have a 4 year old too. It's not the words you say at the altar or in front of the justice of the peace that matter. Heck, it's not even the marriage itself that matters. The real work of a marriage starts the day after. We've had problem to work through, and yes, we've each had our selfish times. Marriage isn't 50/50, the numbers move and there are times when each of you is carrying the heavier part. It's that willingness to carry it at different times that makes the difference.
Also, marriage should not be equated automatically to sex. 'Cause sex life down does not equal automatic divorce. We've come a LONG way from primates after all. Two people getting along involves more than just genitalia, and if you climb aboard the marriage train thinking sexual attraction will see you through the good times and the bad times, you're in for a nasty shock. The vows or 'terms of agreement are 'good times AND bad', and there's no clause saying how bad the bad times will get. It always says 'till death do us part' and there IS a clause for that. 'Thou shalt not kill' (though in fairness, the good Lord was somewhat fuzzier on the subject of knee caps).
That being said, abuse or infidelity are my outer limits (we'd be having some serious discussions on that if it ever happened). And remember that divorce was a man-made institution if you're following the good book. God decided he would allow it because Moses couldn't get the desert dwellers to fall in line at the time. Just sayin.0 -
Maybe the problem isn't that it is too easy to get out of marriage. Instead, maybe the root of the problem is that it is too easy to get INTO marriage. If you had to sign your name about 15 times like when you buy a car or a house... and talk to a loan officer... deal with closing, get tied up in escrow for a couple months and all that fun stuff, maybe at least a few people would look at the possibility -- the probability -- that it will not be all wine and roses every day.
For the record, I have been married for 10 years. It hasn't been perfect. SO WHAT? There have been a couple of days that were challenging, but we worked through it and are stronger than ever, year after year. Making a relationship work - with or without marriage - takes a commitment and it takes a lot of work and attention to detail. I think one of the big things missing in so many marriages today is that, like an article I read recently, marriage is not FOR you. Marriage is for the person you marry. If you are in it for you, then maybe that is the root of the problem.0 -
Maybe the problem isn't that it is too easy to get out of marriage. Instead, maybe the root of the problem is that it is too easy to get INTO marriage.
Excellent point. Pre-marital counseling for everyone!0 -
Maybe the problem isn't that it is too easy to get out of marriage. Instead, maybe the root of the problem is that it is too easy to get INTO marriage.
Excellent point. Pre-marital counseling for everyone!
Totally agree.0 -
Just my 2 cents, as I am a wedding minister, but the very first question I ask couples when I interview them for the first time is "Why are you getting married?"
You'd be shocked at some if the reasons I hear.
Marinate on that for a bit. Did you ever ask yourself that question before you "tied the knot?"
(hint: "Because we are in love!" is the wrong answer.)
Because you're a wedding minister, you've also been given the authority to judge whether people's reasons for getting married are adequate? Um, no.
Take your $200 and do what you've been asked to do. Frankly, it's none of your business why someone is getting married, nor is it your responsibility to police those reasons.
Actually, if he is a Christian minister, it IS his job to question why they are getting married. To challenge them. To help them to grow as a couple and to ensure that in doing his duty, he has done what he can to make sure that they are meant to marry and stay that way - married. He would not necessarily tell a couple that appears dysfunctional that they CANNOT marry, but the idea is to help them to understand the gravity -- the seriousness - of the commitment that they are undertaking.
When he asks the question of why they are getting married, if they do not know why or if they are getting married because 'they are in love' then since his job revolves around marriage, maybe he has some useful insights to ensure that the folks he marries STAY married. That is the general idea, isn't it?0 -
Some people make mistakes, like my brother who married a crazy lady. He tried way longer than he should have.
Some people don't make the marriage important they get so wrapped up in the kids and the day to day they wake up one day next to a stranger.
Marriage does take work I love my husband married 19 years. Mostly they were good, but you gotta work thru the tough parts. I think many people have the wrong expectation. They expect marriage to fix things or they expect to chane him. Many women were raised thinking that marriage is perfect. They think it should be this wonderful image. Men sometimes go in thinking that they will be taken care of. It just doesn't always work that way sometimes you gotta adapt but not all people can. I don't think you should be miserable forever but the goal is to try.
I love all of this.
My sister was reunited with her best friend from high school after he got stationed nearby. She married him expecting him to still be the same smart, funny, sensitive, caring guy he was at 16. Sometime in the subsequent 6 years, he turned into an emotionally abusive, manipulative, alcoholic serial cheater. She married him so quickly that she didn't get a chance to know who he was as a grown up (if you can call him that). She learned a tough lesson there.
Before I got married, I thought that marriage was supposed to be perfect too. However, my husband and I are always working on/through something. It's usually just small stuff, but it is definitely not a storybook marriage. We love each other dearly and can't imagine being apart. So, our relationship makes the struggles worth it.0 -
i think everyone needs to worry more about their own lives and not so much about everyone elses.
that's what I think0
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