Moving In Together..

24

Replies

  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    We lived together 1.5 years before we got married. We've been together 12 and married 9.5 years.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    It's not logic. It's the juxtaposition of two facts. I am not saying correlation equals causation. The person I quoted said there would be fewer divorces if more people lived together before marriage. The stats do not bear that out.

    Personally, I agree with a previous post that said the success of a marriage is dependent more on the spouses' views on love and marriage. People viewed marriage differently in the time period I referenced.
  • jendraka
    jendraka Posts: 117 Member
    Personally, speaking from my own experience, I don't think stats and whatnot and speak to much of anything. It's always a personal thing when you are talking of relationships. Each one is different. It would be comforting to be able to say what works and what doesn't depending on certain social norms and so on, but it is just a couple by couple thing. What works for two people may not for two different people. Even if one of the persons involved remains the same.

    For example, for my first marriage, we didn't live together first and that marriage didn't last long at all. My second marriage I did live with him first and while that marriage did last longer it still resulted in a divorce for along the same lines as the first. I am now living with a man whom may be considered my common-law husband (religious ritual but not legal) and have been together happily for many years.

    Every combination of people is different, I truly don't think there is any way to really slap a probability on the chances of their success based solely upon their living arrangements or marital status or combination thereof.
  • SmartAlec03211988
    SmartAlec03211988 Posts: 1,896 Member
    We didn't live in the same country, so no we did not live together before getting married. I moved country and into his apartment after it.
  • MercenaryNoetic26
    MercenaryNoetic26 Posts: 2,747 Member
    I think it's better to experience independence before going from the parents to moving in with the boyfriend's/girlfriend's. This way you move in together and both have had that sense of accomplishment/responsibility and a good base of experience.

    Other than that marriage all depends on what it means to the idividual. If one person desires it, and the other doesn't... It's not going to last.
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
    What is your take in moving in with your partner.without marriage...Does it lead to a marriage.or there seem to be no need to marry if you're already living together? WHATS YOUR TAKE


    I agree with keeping separate bank accounts. Along with this DO NOT have joint credit cards, this could come back to bite you in the *kitten* big time - mess up your credit for years.
  • icyeyes317
    icyeyes317 Posts: 226 Member
    My husband and I didn't live together before we got married....actually we never dated either. We were friends (and fwb) for years, secretly in love with each other.

    We also didn't live together at first after we got married. We were in separate states and both had things to finalize before moving to the same location. He is Navy, and I'm prior AF, so we know how to make LDR work.

    With that all being said...for US...it would have worked either way. There are times when I get pissed off and tell him I'm gonna move out and get my own place, because the house is gross after I come home from a long-as-**** day at work, or if he doesn't want to do stuff on the weekends. Then I think about all the times we weren't able to be in the same house (or state, or even continent), and realize that no matter how annoyed at him I am, I like sleeping beside him way more.

    It is really an individual thing. It depends on the couple, and what they want in the long run.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    I also think its a great Idea.If people Moved In together before getting hitched there'd be Less Divorces.

    I highly doubt that....I don't think it makes any difference whatsoever whether you live with someone first or not. I personally lived with my wife before we got married...but really, I don't think it makes any difference long term.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    If you want marriage, moving in before marriage will not encourage him to marry you. What for? LOL.

    Speaking from experience, sista. Not until I left his *kitten* did he break down and propose.

    anecdotal evidence is anecdotal. I lived with my wife before we got married...we both ultimately wanted to get married and we didn't have to give each other ultimatums or leave each other or anything to convince each other of that fact.

    The whole, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" bull**** is just that...it's not 1952 anymore.
  • gramarye
    gramarye Posts: 586 Member
    I'd note that it leading to marriage is not always a good thing. Looking back on it now, I can easily see when my ex-husband and I would have broken up if we weren't living together while we were dating. But living together makes breaking up complicated, and there's always that urge that it's easier to make it work.
  • obsidianwings
    obsidianwings Posts: 1,237 Member
    Up to the couple. For us there is no need to marry.
  • Heronimos
    Heronimos Posts: 26 Member
    If you want marriage, moving in before marriage will not encourage him to marry you. What for? LOL.

    Speaking from experience, sista. Not until I left his *kitten* did he break down and propose.

    Why was that so important to you?? Just curios

    I'm dutch and marriage is very optional here. Almost very couple moves in together before marriage. If they even marry at all (most of my friends didn't). Legally there is little difference over here if you marry or not. Only when you have children there is a bit more paperwork, but that is it. So I think that is also depends on what kind of surroundings you are in.

    And "formal" divorce or not.. Breaking up is never a pick-nick. And always a problem for the kids. Legally married or not.

    By the way.. I can't marry anymore... I don't believe in having sex before marriage. :):)
  • Luci_Green_Eyes
    Luci_Green_Eyes Posts: 32 Member
    Personally I'm all for living together first!

    My partner and I were together 18 months before moving in together (while I was living with a friend). After 2.5 years renting that place we bought a home together, and are now hoping to get married in the next few years. I believe you don't truly get to know a partner until living with them; appreciating their odd habits and little quirks. It's the best way to learn how to compromise.

    But each to their own! What works for one couple will be completely inappropriate for another. Just do whatever you think will make you happy :-)
  • iLOVEbabySARA13
    iLOVEbabySARA13 Posts: 88
    Moving in together is a great way to test the waters. I lived with one serious boyfriend for about a year and realized he was a sneaky, manipulative, sleazy, abusive butt hole. I might have married him had I not been exposed to that beforehand...that would've sucked.

    I also lived with my husband before he put a ring on it, and clearly, we got married.

    I don't think that moving in with somebody delegates whether you're more likely to, or not to get married. All depends on the specific relationship. As for those who bring up the divorce rate, that's just ridiculous. Divorce rates are so high, because a lot of people (especially of my generation) are all about the here and now and how it will benefit them. Pure selfishness, a lot of the time (although not ALL the time).
  • 12skipafew99100
    12skipafew99100 Posts: 1,669 Member
    My take is to not move in together until you are married. Break ups are so much more complicated and messy especially if you begin buying things together or share a bank account.
    Some things should be special to just your husband.
    If you move in and out again and then marry someone else, they will not be the only special one you have had that experience with. Seems people today want to have it all without the permanet committement marraige is intened to provide.
    Simply my opinion as the OP asked for.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Don't worry, I'm sure he'll propose after you get pregnant.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    Hell fire and brimstone shall rain down on you fornicaters!!!!
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
    My take is to not move in together until you are married. Break ups are so much more complicated and messy especially if you begin buying things together or share a bank account.
    Some things should be special to just your husband.
    If you move in and out again and then marry someone else, they will not be the only special one you have had that experience with. Seems people today want to have it all without the permanet committement marraige is intened to provide.
    Simply my opinion as the OP asked for.


    Married people don't break up along with all the problems that goes with sorting out children, finances, the house etc.
  • Heronimos
    Heronimos Posts: 26 Member
    My take is to not move in together until you are married. Break ups are so much more complicated and messy especially if you begin buying things together or share a bank account.
    Some things should be special to just your husband.
    If you move in and out again and then marry someone else, they will not be the only special one you have had that experience with. Seems people today want to have it all without the permanet committement marraige is intened to provide.
    Simply my opinion as the OP asked for.
    Funny thing is in my family the people who got married are now divorced and the ones that didn't are still together?
    With the modern divorce-rate, it looks that even somebody who does get married is more sure that it is permanent.
  • aquarabbit
    aquarabbit Posts: 1,622 Member
    My husband and I lived together for almost 3 years before getting married. I'm really glad that we did. To be honest, I wouldn't have ever needed to get married (we did to make military life a bit easier). At that point we had already committed our lives together. This is just my personal relationship and I'm not saying it would work for everyone. But marriage was never important to me. Even after getting married, things didn't change too much. Although he helps with dishes a lot less now. But it's a big step for sure. Only you can decide what's the best choice for you self and your relationship.
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  • jendraka
    jendraka Posts: 117 Member
    Hell fire and brimstone shall rain down on you fornicaters!!!!

    Good, it's been a bit chilly here as of late. Could use some warming up.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    60% of couples live together before getting married, and people are still divorcing like crazy. Compare that to the first half of the 20th century when nobody lived together before marriage and divorce was highly uncommon.

    All due respect, what you're citing has more to do with evolving views on both marriage and divorce, and the fact that since a much much greater percentage of women have jobs outside the home so they don't have to stay in crappy marriage strictly for financial reasons.

    You forgot about the technology boom...since men have internet porn they don't have to settle either.
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  • RonnieLodge
    RonnieLodge Posts: 665 Member
    What is your take in moving in with your partner.without marriage...Does it lead to a marriage.or there seem to be no need to marry if you're already living together? WHATS YOUR TAKE

    My take: It probably depends on how both people view marriage. If they both are keen on the idea, it very well could lead to marriage. If one is not, then it can feel like being lead down the garden path while the other will feel under pressure. If both are not fussed about marriage, it would probably work well too.

    I tried it, it lasted about a year, realized he wasn't going to propose then I moved out and swore I would never live with a partner again unless we were engaged first.

    In delightful 20/20 hindsight, I also see that I took him suggesting we live together to mean he would propose in the not so distant future, whereas he saw it more as convenient living arrangement.

    While the actual packing and shifting was managed in under 3 hours from the time I decided to go (I have some wonderful friends) it was hideous having to extricate myself from shared legal documentation over the next few weeks - the bank accounts, the lease, the other utility bills etc.


    Next time I lived with a partner was after we got engaged.
  • Nissi51
    Nissi51 Posts: 381 Member
    Hell fire and brimstone shall rain down on you fornicaters!!!!

    ^^^^ This!

    and: " Premarital cohabitation has increased significantly, and more than 70% of couples in the USA now cohabit before marriage. The major reason supporting premarital cohabitation is that it enables the couple to get know each better and to see whether they get along well enough to embark on marriage. However, counter-intuitively, many studies have found that premarital cohabitation is associated with increased risk of divorce, a lower quality of marriage, poorer marital communication, and higher levels of domestic violence. But there are also studies (although less in number) that refute the negative correlation between premarital cohabitation and divorces" Psychology today 2013
  • obsidianwings
    obsidianwings Posts: 1,237 Member
    My take is to not move in together until you are married. Break ups are so much more complicated and messy especially if you begin buying things together or share a bank account.
    Some things should be special to just your husband.
    If you move in and out again and then marry someone else, they will not be the only special one you have had that experience with. Seems people today want to have it all without the permanet committement marraige is intened to provide.
    Simply my opinion as the OP asked for.
    What about people who don't want to get married anyway, is it ok for them to leave together in your opinion? Or do you think everyone who plans to commit for life should get married?
    Not trying to bash your opinion, just curious on your thoughts really :)
  • michellemybelll
    michellemybelll Posts: 2,228 Member
    I'm dutch and marriage is very optional here. Almost every couple moves in together before marriage. If they even marry at all (most of my friends didn't). Legally there is little difference over here if you marry or not. Only when you have children there is a bit more paperwork, but that is it. So I think that is also depends on what kind of surroundings you are in.

    And "formal" divorce or not.. Breaking up is never a pick-nick. And always a problem for the kids. Legally married or not.

    hear, hear! the dutch always seem to get it right. :flowerforyou:
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    Hell fire and brimstone shall rain down on you fornicaters!!!!

    ^^^^ This!

    and: " Premarital cohabitation has increased significantly, and more than 70% of couples in the USA now cohabit before marriage. The major reason supporting premarital cohabitation is that it enables the couple to get know each better and to see whether they get along well enough to embark on marriage. However, counter-intuitively, many studies have found that premarital cohabitation is associated with increased risk of divorce, a lower quality of marriage, poorer marital communication, and higher levels of domestic violence. But there are also studies (although less in number) that refute the negative correlation between premarital cohabitation and divorces" Psychology today 2013

    oooooo, but that hellfire is gonna burn!!!!

    *shakes head*

    naughty, naughty, naughty
  • F00LofaT00K
    F00LofaT00K Posts: 688 Member
    I think it's a very personal decision and it is different for everybody. I've been living with my boyfriend since December of 2011 and we still haven't discussed marriage seriously. It was sort of unintentional... the moving in together. I had to leave where I was living due to an emergency and he said I could crash at his place for a week or so until I sort things out (after only 4 months of knowing each other... way too soon in both our opinions...). Fortunately, it worked out and I ended up moving in for good. We now have our second lease together and our relationship rocks!

    Before him, I was engaged to somebody after dating for 3 1/2 years. I spent the summer with him to be closer to work and after living together for just a couple of months I realized that there was NO way I could do that permanently. Moving in with him caused our relationship to end way earlier than it otherwise would have. Because of that, I will NEVER get married until I live with the person for an extended period of time first.

    I don't think living together is always a step toward marriage. With cost of living these days, at least from what I see in my peers (early-mid 20s) it's more about financial situations than marriage. A couple of friends of mine had moved in with each other since "we practically live together anyway." I mentioned something about moving in and getting engaged to one of them and his response was "We actually haven't talked about marriage at all. We just moved in to save money on rent."

    EDIT:: As for whether or not there is a need to get married: I've always looked at marriage as a religious thing... I do not believe in a god. Marriage via law/government comes with a lot of financial benefits. I would like to get married someday for those benefits, but just because I live with somebody doesn't mean I want to marry THAT person. I feel there is a WHOLE lot more to marriage than just cohabitation. IF and when I get married, it will be forever.

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