Can cheaters change?

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  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    No, they cannot. Can some cheaters stop cheating because they realize there is much to lose in this life? Maybe, very few times though.
    I think it depends on the motivation behind the cheating. If he's just a jerk, probably not.

    But some guys play the field a lot when they're young and immature (and women, too). And then there are those who are in terrible relationships, extremely unhappy and for whatever reason (finances, kids, location, whatever) they can't or won't leave, but are so miserable they look elsewhere for emotional fulfillment.

    In those latter cases, I don't think they're cheaters at heart and in the right relationship they won't cheat.


    This.


    I think that the blanket statement doesn't take into account the numerous reasons people cheat. I'm not saying they are valid reasons.
    I've known a lot of people who were young and immature who cheated. I've also seen them grow up and have more serious relationships, they changed. I've seen other situations where a person cheated and I believe that they would not necessarily again. I also know a lot of people who I don't think will ever change.

    I cheated on a serious boyfriend when I was in my early 20s. He never found out, the relationship ended anyway (the writing was on the wall anyway, though it is not an excuse). I have not cheated on anyone since. I will not cheat on my husband. But yet, according to many here, I will.
  • PhearlessPhreaks
    PhearlessPhreaks Posts: 890 Member
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    Human psychology isn't static; we change and evolve (or, devolve) as we go through life, per our experiences... so yes, I think someone who has cheated can change their ways.

    Having said that; change does not come easy, especially as we get older and become more set in our ways of doing and thinking. Serial/chronic cheaters likely have an underlying issue at hand- sexual addiction, commitment issues, etc... that would need to be addressed in order to break the cycle. As such, change can be extremely difficult.

    For my part, I don't think I would be able to trust someone who cheated on me.
  • jonmscharff
    jonmscharff Posts: 72 Member
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    If you decide to sell your character...do you get full price or wholesale?
  • tottie06
    tottie06 Posts: 259 Member
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    Change can and will only occur when pain and then fear of pain is greater than the pain and then fear of pain of not changing. This goes for all change.

    Booze
    Drugs
    Cheating
    Health
    Lifestyles
    etc etc

    IMHO

    Very true dprovince!
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    Can murderer's change? Can paedophiles change?

    You are the actions you commit upon this world.

    Erm. No. We are more than just the actions we commit on the world. That's a pretty unfair statement for someone who has changed their ways.
  • sixout
    sixout Posts: 3,128 Member
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    Can murderer's change? Can paedophiles change?

    You are the actions you commit upon this world.

    Erm. No. We are more than just the actions we commit on the world. That's a pretty unfair statement for someone who has changed their ways.

    Exactly. Everyone knows that you are what you eat, not what you do.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    I believe so. I cheated on every woman I was ever with. Until I met my wife. We have been together for 25 years and I have never cheated on her and never will.

    She didn't make me change. Having her in my life made me want to change. Every good thing that has happened in my life in the last 25 years has been a direct result of her coming into my life. Not going to *kitten* that up.
  • richardheath
    richardheath Posts: 1,276 Member
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    Can non-cheaters change to become cheaters?

    My ex did. She didn't cheat on me in the first 9 years of marriage (that I know of!). If she has now found the "right" person, maybe she won't feel the need to cheat again, and will be a non-cheater again?
  • Ninguneado77
    Ninguneado77 Posts: 468
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    That's right…NO consequences, correct? Once I changed, then all my past actions are "erased" and everyone has to put up with me. Then, I get to lecture about how people can change. Until someone reminds me that the consequences of what I have done will always be with me.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    No. No one ever changes say between the ages of 19 and 40......
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    That's right…NO consequences, correct? Once I changed, then all my past actions are "erased" and everyone has to put up with me. Then, I get to lecture about how people can change. Until someone reminds me that the consequences of what I have done will always be with me.


    No one said anything about no consequences or having your past "erased". My husband knows my history. He has chosen to trust me, as I have him.
    Just because someone is a "non-cheater" doesn't mean they never will either.
  • Ninguneado77
    Ninguneado77 Posts: 468
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    Can murderer's change? Can paedophiles change?

    You are the actions you commit upon this world.

    Erm. No. We are more than just the actions we commit on the world. That's a pretty unfair statement for someone who has changed their ways.

    Sorry to disagree with such a lovely person…but we are what we do
  • thesevolatiletimes
    thesevolatiletimes Posts: 59 Member
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    so much ignorance in this thread.
  • latepaul
    latepaul Posts: 49 Member
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    I think it's tempting to divide the world into "cheaters" - who can't or won't ever change, and everyone else, because it gives us two clear categories of people and once we identify that we're with the right kind then we know we're safe. It's tempting but at best it's a vast simplification.

    People are a mix of good and bad. Good people sometimes do bad things and hurt those who love them. Occasionally bad people reform and at least try to do better. I think people can change but it's hard work.

    The important thing is that "can he/she change?" is a different question to "should I trust them?" It's perfectly possible to say yes to the first and no to the second.

    Behaviour good and bad has consequences. You can decide to change but you can't necessarily wipe out the consequences of your actions. Weight gained can usually be lost again. But trust broken due to cheating can rarely be re-gained.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Can murderer's change? Can paedophiles change?

    You are the actions you commit upon this world.

    Erm. No. We are more than just the actions we commit on the world. That's a pretty unfair statement for someone who has changed their ways.

    Sorry to disagree with such a lovely person…but we are what we do

    Until you decide that you want to do something else.

    You know, to say that you personally believe that a cheater can never change implies that you have no conscience.

    And as I said earlier, if you can't take accountability for the pain you've caused people ever, then there is some deeper, under-lying mental health issues at work here.
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    That's right…NO consequences, correct? Once I changed, then all my past actions are "erased" and everyone has to put up with me. Then, I get to lecture about how people can change. Until someone reminds me that the consequences of what I have done will always be with me.

    I'm sensing quite a bit of bitterness...
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    I think it's tempting to divide the world into "cheaters" - who can't or won't ever change, and everyone else, because it gives us two clear categories of people and once we identify that we're with the right kind then we know we're safe. It's tempting but at best it's a vast simplification.

    People are a mix of good and bad. Good people sometimes do bad things and hurt those who love them. Occasionally bad people reform and at least try to do better. I think people can change but it's hard work.

    The important thing is that "can he/she change?" is a different question to "should I trust them?" It's perfectly possible to say yes to the first and no to the second.

    Behaviour good and bad has consequences. You can decide to change but you can't necessarily wipe out the consequences of your actions. Weight gained can usually be lost again. But trust broken due to cheating can rarely be re-gained.

    VERY nicely said.
  • LVCeltGirl
    LVCeltGirl Posts: 473
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    From what I've seen with friends, they can but it takes a solid slap upside the head for that to happen. And even then, the backlash of their actions follow them into future relationships, making them paranoid and ultimately ruining the relationship. Takes a long time and the right people coming into their lives.

    I've found that a good "boot to the head" works for all of about 5 seconds. I want to have hope that a cheater can change but honestly, it doesn't seem in the nature of the cheater to change.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    That's right…NO consequences, correct? Once I changed, then all my past actions are "erased" and everyone has to put up with me. Then, I get to lecture about how people can change. Until someone reminds me that the consequences of what I have done will always be with me.

    The past is never erased, but it is forgiven. And forgiveness is not something that everyone is going to be willing to give. All you can do is to learn from your mistakes, move forward, and try not to make the same mistakes the next time you care very deeply for someone.
  • k8blujay2
    k8blujay2 Posts: 4,941 Member
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    No, they cannot. Can some cheaters stop cheating because they realize there is much to lose in this life? Maybe, very few times though.

    Anyone can change... it just takes some growing up to do and giving up a selfish nature, in this case.

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