Dating! EEEK!

Well hi folks! Felt an update was needed. I apologise cos it's going to be a long one!

A huge, huge heartfelt thank you to all of you who replied to this thread since my last post (Memaw, breanix, awd, mommared and all of the rest.) You are all fantastic and your responses all made me cry. A lot!

Where was I?? Ah, yes. I had decided that the man had burnt his bridges and that I was going to be all hard and decisive about it all. Best laid plans huh?? WEll, the upshot is that I hadn't taken into account how 3 days of not eating anything and the stress and having a really bad head cold was going to affect me when it came to the crunch. This is also not taking into account just how soft hearted I can be at the worst moments. Yep, you guessed it, he's still here. And at the moment I'm not sure it was the best decision. But if you care to read on I hope I've explained things ok. And that you all won't think too badly of me at the end of it.

So he turns up and I wasn't sure how he was going to react (one of my friends (one who is now not my friend because of all this, who knew huh?) had told me to be prepared for the worst and change the locks and get my eldest daughter ready to phone the police if needed, slightly over dramatic but then you never can tell huh??) when he got to the house to get his things. He just looked at me when I let him in. I didn't know what to do or say but I was holding onto how hurt and angry he made me feel the night before and what he said in his email (which was basically that he knew it was over and that he was moving out asap and i wasn't to try and persuade him to stay) and trying not to let all the nausea get the better of me, cos I'm really not good in stressful situations at all, mind goes blank, stomach churns ,i shake uncontrollably and it usually ends up with me throwing up (sorry guys!lol).

After a few minutes of feeling like this and him asking why i packed his stuff and me just saying what other conclusion had he left me with, he goes upstairs to start collecting his boxes of stuff from our room at the top of the house. I eventually followed him up. Not sure exactly why, maybe I had already decided that he wasn't moving out and just hadn't admitted it to myself. Whatever the case I felt he deserved to explain himself at the very least. I ended up sitting on the end of the bed while he shifted his stuff round (real classic delaying tactics!huh??lol) and we gradually start talking after I asked him point blank why the hell he left in the middle of the night. Why not sleep on the sofa? He couldn't tell me except that he said he felt 'constrained'. That he felt he couldn't say what he needed to to my kids. He'd had a minor moment with my son, who is 10, over a program on the telly (he'd wanted to watch the cricket and my son was watching a cartoon that I had said he could watch) and like the children that they both are they squabbled over it. He won in the end, with very poor grace, after I said that we would check the scores and that when he went back out to finish working on his car (cos this is where he had been for hours, hence not having the cricket on indoors) my son could go back to the cartoons for a little while before bed. But as he said it to me that step kids will always end up resenting the step parent and that there is nothing you can do about it. And that the real parent will always side with the kids, etc etc... And there had been a dozen little things all day that I'm sure added to it all in his head.

And this was why he left in the middle of the night with only a silly note and an email. What a ridiculous thing to have happen over something so minor. Like 3 days before when he and I rowed over who was going to sleep on the sofa as my cold was causing me to snore badly and was keeping him awake. He got really huffy after coming to bed (after telling me earlier that as it was not my fault and that as I couldn't help it I shouldn't worry about it) and stropped off to sleep on the sofa and I went after him and said that as I was causing the problem that I should sleep on the sofa so he could get a good night's sleep. Cos he hadn't slept the night before because of it. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade him that I was right and that it was the fair thing to do I eventually gave up and went back to bed. He came up a few minutes later and got dressed and said he would see me tomorrow sometime. He ended up staying after I followed him and basically begged him not to walk out over something so silly.

Now every time he goes off somewhere or stays up late to watch the telly, after we've had a few cross looks at each other over something silly, then part of me is waiting for him to do the same thing. Added to that is the stress of not feeling like I can talk to him about the big stuff we need to talk about, like money. And the fact that he doesn't contribute to the household running (or cleaning!!). He holds this distance between us and I don't know how to break it down (or if I've even got the energy to try to). Surely it shouldn't be this hard to adjust to someone else living with you? All the money should go into a communal pot to cover bills and stuff and what's left is for everything else?? But no. He keeps his money very firmly separate and every now and again when I bring it up he asks 'do i need some money?'. And yet I buy the food, pay the rent, the gas and electricity etc from my own money (money I get for my kids, I know this must be hard for a man to cope with, not being the 'provider'and everything) and cook all his meals and end up doing all this for his daughter too, whom we have about 3 days a week. Usually with no notice, but as soon as his ex snaps her fingers off he goes and nope no sign of divorce proceedings yet. I've told him that I won't stay with someone who has no intention of getting divorced (yep, remember the last guy I went out on dates with? Jon? I won't go there again. Ever.) I am a huge believer in 'actions speaking louder than words'. Unfortunately for me, words come too easily to him. It's so easy to say that this is this and that is that and we are going to do this or that and that if some things were different then this or that would happen. Uh uh. Rubbish, if you want something to happen, you make it happen. Inaction is what speaks louder than everything else. Well, it does in my humble opinion. Not that I can't take circumstances into account. I'm well aware that we all have to have dreams and goals. Why be alive if not??

I can see the issue of his daughter being a big problem if I can't talk to him about it soon. I know why he puts her above everything else, and also why he spends lots of money on her. But when I am going out of my way to make both of them feel included in our family life, even when I can't afford to (like on my kids birthdays, we always do something that person wants to do like bowling and then have whatever that person wants as a treat for tea, whether it is to eat out or a favourite meal in) which I haven't been able to do since he moved in, I've always made sure it included the both of them so no one feels left out or excluded (you know, in a 'them and us' kind of way) so when he talks about what the two of them are going to do together and the places he is going to take her for her birthday, it makes me more than a little cross. And then there are the things he does just with her, no thought of making it an entire family thing. I know she needs time to adjust and that he is still in the over compensation stage of his marriage breakdown and that there are times when they will need time together just to reconnect, but all the time???? To the exclusion of all and everyone else? And his view that he is a really hard parent and is all 'draconian' in his beliefs? Rubbish, she only has to pout and gets whatever she wants. Very typical only child behaviour. I in no way blame her, she is only a product of her childhood. But him? Yes, I do blame him. And myself for not telling him how I see it. I also am partly waiting for the day he says that he's going to give it another go with his ex, not really because he wants to but mainly so that he can have more contact with his daughter.

Is he taking the piss out of me (sorry for being blunt!) or does admitting there are underlying reasons to it all and that life very rarely runs smooth and hoping that eventually we will work it all out, make me weak? I very much fear that to most people it does indeed make me a doormat. I know I'm not perfect but all I can say in my defence is that I don't react well to stress (and my goodness, since he moved in there has been little but stress) and I can be a bit moody sometimes especially when I need to talk about something but don't how it will be taken.

I've gone round and round all of this so often in my head that none of it makes sense any more. What I do know is that when things are good between us they are better than perfect, like two soul mates perfectly in accord and going in the same direction (we are scarily similar in lots of ways). But when things aren't going well, and we are at odds, usually over something i need to say about money or his daughter, things are totally strained and weird. I love him more than I could possibly put into words and I know he feels the same for me but are we fundamentally too different or at two different places in our life?? I don't expect him to be perfect, that would be far too boring and unrealistic. And even over the big stuff, some differences of opinion can be good, productive even. So at what point do I call it a day? I wonder sometimes if the distance that he holds between us is him just waiting for me to tell him it's over, so that he doesn't have to.

I'm sure a lot of this could be sorted by a huge 'conversation' I know, and I also know that if he decides to leave I will cope, and that my kids will cope. Eventually. But what I also know is that if I walk away now before giving this the full chance to become a great relationship, that I'm sure it can become, then I will never go down this road again. Couldn't open myself and my kids up to it all again.

It would be so much easier if it was a clear cut case of he has done this or that wrong (i.e. cheated on me or hit me or the kids, or even if the kids really didn't get on with him at all) and he should get out, but life is rarely that simple is it?? Or is it? Maybe it's just me making excuses again. Can two people love each other this much and still be not meant to be together??

:sick:

Well, blimey!!! Folks I'm so sorry this turned into such a huge thing! And I only hope I haven't bored you all rigid with my problems yet again. But you all give such good, reasonable advice and now that my one and only and best friend has cut me out of her life I really need someone to give me aood kick up the backside or pat me on the head and tell me it'll all work out ok. I really don't mind which it is.:laugh:

Ok. Take care out there in diet land.

Oh! Nearly foprgot in all the waffle over my rubbish love life! Huge news tho. One good thing has come of this whole thing!! I've lost loads of weight thorugh all the stress!lolololol Nearly a whole stone. Nearly 14 pounds! Yay, go me! And all of you too!

Lots of love to all.:flowerforyou:

Thanks guys. :brokenheart: Again!lol :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

K. Big sigh and ....start typing....:sad:

He and I sat down last night to have a good talk about everything that has been going on and after a good 2 hours of this, he ended up really losing his rag and was 2 inches from my face screaming and swearing at me. Sadly there are some things that he said (or rather screamed ) about me that I agree with ( I am lacking in ambition, I'm not setting the best example for my kids by sitting at home and not doing anything with my life, I do let people walk all over me, I have no 'fire in my guts', rarely stand up for myself, rely too much on other people to help make my decisions for me, have no brain of my own, I constrain myself from speaking up about things most people wouldn't even think a second before saying and that if I carry on like this then I will always remain a victim) but it really, really highlighted for me the fact that fundamentally we are poles apart. Fire and water. And he cannot accept that any way but his is valid. And that is the saddest part of the whole thing. He and I could have had a fantastic relationship for a very long time if he was only more tolerant of differences in personallity, temperament and ambition. I find it a strange outlook for a therapist and counsellor.

He wants me (and my kids) to become more like him, and I can partly see where he is coming from, just not how he sees going about the changes, he has this fantasticly incredible fire and energy and driving ambition that I really do envy. He is like a huge bonfire at times, a bit scary and out of control, and yet at others he is so much like a warming hearth fire, you just want to cuddle up and toast your toes on him. But I am just not built that way (too watery, I can be scary and calming too, myself but not in his way) not yet anyway (perhaps one day I will 'get' what he has been saying and it will all become clear to me), I only know that I prefer to end up somewhere quietly. I still get there in the end though, usually after seeking lots of differing opinions and then drawing my own conclusions on the matter (something that apparently makes me brainless without the capacity for independant thought). If only it were just that this is not in the way he thinks I should go about it. And that because I do this I open myself up to being walked all over. Just as he has done to me himself and THAT is what I'm holdiing onto just now when all I want to do is break down and cry all over my keyboard!!lol . If he loved me as much as he says he does and wanted only the best for me then would he still feel inclined to use me as a doormat however much I offer it to him??? Surely he would turn around and say 'Hey. You don;t need to do that with me. Just let me get on and help you, let me contribute'?? Shouldn't he??

So the upshot is that he is moving out. More than likely sometime today. He's gone off just now to find a place for all his stuff. I have a sneaking suspicion that that place will be with his ex. After all he has already proved to himself that he can maintain himself and do his studies under the same roof as this woman. And at least he will get to see his daughter all the time again. But, I could be being needlessly harsh and maligning him by saying that. Perhaps he really has had enough of the physical and emotional abuse she made his life, with her, hell because of, and will find himself a place on his own to start his life afresh with no distractions and he can be quite happily selfish with his time and not hurt anyone else in the process.

So. No change of heart this time. Gone too far for that. I truly only want what is best for him (but at the same time I want that for me and my kids too) and he is the type of person that will only ever be held back by someone like me (he NEEDS to be selfish about his studies and his intended carreer. I had hoped to be a part of that future:sick: ). What is that saying?? 'If you love something set it free'?? And as I DO love him (rightly or wrongly, I really don;t know at this point) then he has got to go and acheive his goals and he cannot do that whilst staying with me. It would tear the both of us up and I won't do that to my kids. Cos they would ultimately be the ones to suffer.

So, sigh...again. Hopefully this is the last installment of my 'Dating. The Learning Curve' drama. But hey, life goes on, I will be a different person from here on in. Not in the way he wants but in a way that I can still be proud of myself at the end of, knowing that I haven't crushed anyone on my way to getting there. :grumble:

I would like to say a huge and heartfelt thanks

To;- momathome for her thoughts and prayers, people like her make the world go around in a nicer way.And I agree on the losing weight thing...but! At least something positive will come of all this.lol :flowerforyou:

To;- kimber. You are spot on, he is much too much a child who has to have everything his own way all the time:explode:

To;- MontanaGirl. I hope you are right. And that I have the good fortune to recognise the right man at the right time without letting this experience taint my view of men.:grumble:

To;- mommared. You are a rock. Always give great advice. I'm sorry to not have been listening hard enough earlier on. You too make the world that bit better just by being in it.:flowerforyou:

Righto folks. Off to make my kids some lunch and hopefully begin the process of taping the bits of my heart back together agin in some kind of order that resembles how it looked in the beginning! :laugh:

Take care out there.