Soooo....I Have Cancer

9 months. Exactly. To the date. It was even a Friday.

9 months ago I was sitting in my ENT's office when I heard the words that I will never forget: "You have cancer."

I can hardly believe that it has been that long. On one hand it seems like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. But on the other hand it feels like it has taken forever to get this far. So much has happened since my last update here. I think it would be nearly impossible to capture everything so I will try to keep it brief.

I had a PET scan in mid/late January (I think I posted about this here?). The way it was explained to me, I was injected with radioactive glucose, and it was absorbed by all the cells in my body. The healthy/normal cells broke down the radioactive material and eliminated it. Any abnormal (aka: cancer) cells could not break down the radioactive material and any remaining radioactivity in the cells, in turn, would glow on the images taken during the scan. I am sure there is way more to it than this but whatever. You get the idea.

The results from the PET scan came back "Good w/ No Abnormal Findings." Hooray!

My ENT discussed the results with us at his office a few days later at my monthly check-up. He said the scan looked great. He also explained that PET scans are not usually ordered for head/neck cancer patients but also said that I am not the typical patient. He said we may do another one in a few months for two reasons: 1) my tumor was pretty aggressive. He saw me in September of 2012 and everything looked good. By May of 2013 things had taken a pretty serious turn. That is aggressive behavior according to him. 2) I was essentially a low-to-zero risk guy for this crazy thing yet it found its way into my body for whatever reason. So, I can definitely understand why he is leaning toward erring on the side of caution.

I had another follow up with my ENT in mid-February. He did another thorough exam of my mouth and tongue. He said things look and feel great. He also said that he thought my speech had improved even since the last time we met. I was so jacked to hear that. Look, I am not an idiot. I know I do not sound the same as I used to. Chances are I never will. Some sounds are incredibly difficult to make even if I slow down, concentrate and try my damnedest to make it work - they just do not come out. I am not going to deny any of this. But the fact that he noticed improvement is encouraging. He told me not to be discouraged. The more I move things around (talking, chewing, swallowing) the more likely it will be that things will "loosen" up over time. He said it can take a long, long time for this to happen. He also said that the side effects from radiation can take an eternity to reverse or improve. Some will never go away - I knew that going in. But some, like the annoying phlegm in my throat every morning, should get better.

I also started hitting the gym again in mid/late January. I have made some pretty substantial progress in just 8 short weeks. I probably will not be winning any Mr. Universe or World's Strongest Man competitions any time soon but I am pleased to look at myself now compared to how physically weak I was in the weeks after my surgery and then again during radiation. Oi. That was pretty rough. I went for a "run" on the treadmill at the gym earlier this week, too. To my surprise, my mouth did not get as dry as I thought it would. It was dry, but not Sahara Desert Dry like it is when I wake up in the morning. I managed to do about a mile and a half and wanted to do more but thought I better take it easy.

Golf season is right around the corner and I am drooling more than our dog does when we fry bacon for dinner. The tee boxes, greens, and fairways are starting to poke through the snow at local courses and I swear I saw a blade of green grass near the edge of our driveway earlier this week. The last time I golfed was over 4th of July weekend last year. Damn. I plan on picking up the sticks and hitting the range my buddy later today - coincidentally, it's the same buddy I played my last round with last year. The world works in funny ways, no? My goal: do not whiff on the first swing (stretch goal: don’t shank it).

I guess it is a good thing that life has kind of returned back to "normal" over the past few months. Or maybe I have just gotten used to life the way it is. But this return to "normal" means that I kind of lost sight of everything that happened, the enormity of my surgery/recovery/radiation/recovery, and all the progress I have made. Maybe I am just getting used to seeing the massive scar on my arm, the sneaky scar on my neck, and the skin graft on my tongue every day when I brush and floss. I guess I am just used to seeing these things each and every day that I am just like "Oh that? That's from my cancer surgery. No big. Next question."

I have always been a huge fan of the speech Jimmy Valvano made at the 1993 ESPY's when he accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian Award. I was only 10 but I remember watching it live - it was the first ESPYs. I am sure you have seen it (or clips of it) at some point. Well, his speech has taken on a completely new meaning to me over the last 9 months. His "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." is a phrase that got me through a lot. I remember being in the hospital and hearing those words echo in my head. I also remember hearing his words as I was bolted to the table getting pelted with radiation. "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." But earlier in his speech he says some words that have seriously resonated with me:

"..there are three things we all should do every day...Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special."

I have honestly made a concerted effort to do these three things over the past few months or so. The first one is easy. My life is absolutely filled with people that make me laugh and I will never be able to adequately express my gratitude for that. The second one is also easy. I have to do some semi-serious thinking at work every day but I do not think that is what he was talking about. I have been thinking a lot and asking myself a ton of questions. "Am I making the most out of my short time on this planet?" "Have I made a difference in someone's life today, small, big, or somewhere in the middle?" "Have I told people how I really feel today?" "Am I a better person today compared to yesterday?" I want to think that those are the things he had in mind when he said we should spend time in thought every day. And to be honest, when I spend some time in serious thought I am often moved to laughter and to tears. And that, indeed, is a heck of a day.

Well....so much for being brief.

I am honored, humbled, and grateful that you took time to read some more of my ramblings. It is remarkably therapeutic for me to write these updates.