Is marriage still worth it?
I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.
Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Replies
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Speaking for myself, I have been married for 16 years now. It has not been easy but at the same, it has been the place of my greatest joy and fulfillment. I understand that people struggle and break up so again I am not saying it is easy but it is what you decide to make of it. I have determined that I am going to have a great marriage...going to work on being a good husband, faithful and loving, and a good dad. I get to decide that
Good luck to you! 0 -
I guess it depends on how strong your relationship is. I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for nearly 6 so far. We have 2 children and our 3rd is due next Sun.
My parents have been married for 40 years this October, so I've grown up in a 'traditional' household and think relationships are worth working for. Of course there are times when relationships get tested, but it doesn't mean you have to get divorced.
My husband's mum has been married 3 times, but she got married at 17 first time, and she had my husband at 17. My husband pretty much grew up without his dad, and I think that's made him want to be here for his kids, and for me.
I love my husband very much and can't imagine life without him, and I really hate the thought of my kids not having 2 parents.0 -
Don't.
If you're too scared to make that decision now then you'll never be committed to your marriage partner.
Also, from your girlfriend's perspective, she deserves somebody who's totally committed to his side of the marriage.
And if you can't handle the commitment of marriage, yeah don't even bother with kids. That one will be way over your head.0 -
I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.
Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Those other people are NOT you. You and your girlfriend, and your children if you have any will be individuals.
If YOU would love to have kids and spend the rest of your life with your girlfriend, the only people who have any say or thoughts on the matter that matter are she and you.
I didn't marry till I was 48. So much a confirmed bachelor that many colleagues and friends thought I batted for the other side. I married and it has been a lovely thing, something I treasure every day. No kids, for both of us it was too late in the day.
Having and caring for children will be the greatest thing you ever do, it is your life's most important job-if you take it on.
I'm glad that you are not taking these matters lightly. It does you great credit to think responsibly.
Good luck.
brendan0 -
It is for me ................ but "your mileage may vary".0
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I understand your hesitance on this one. My parents ended up divorced, so I suppose I didn't grow up in a traditional household. I will tell you that however much maintenance your relationship takes now multiply it by ten. That seemed to be how much maintenance marriage takes.
It's a hard decision to make, but you really should talk to your girlfriend about it, your religious leader if you have one, and before you two get married, if you choose to, talk to someone who's been with their spouse for fifty years. They seem to know how to make marriage work. Also, marriage counseling is generally a good idea, so you know what you will be getting into.
It's something that takes a lot of thought and a lot of work, and if you are the type of person who always has to be right, you may not yet be ready for marriage.0 -
Marriage is defiantly worth it, very complex and can push the patience of you both from time to time.
You have to be willing to compromise even if you are stubborn, but be stubborn to stick through it and work through the challenges.
Don't get married because you think it's the thing to do, do it because you want to spend the rest of your life with her and make it a self challenge every moment of every day to so. Do whatever it takes.
The rewards will out weigh the negatives.0 -
Life as it is now is pretty much perfect and the both of us feel we are ready to tie the knot, it is just after experiencing the aftermath of my brother's divorce that I am doing a lot of reading and asking around before taking the final step.
I appreciate each and every post 0 -
I've been married for 40 years. My husband always says that when he dies I'll be remarried in a heartbeat. I tell him that he has ruined it for other men. He prefers to believe that I think he's so wonderful while I mean Hell, no, I'll never do that again!! It's a joke and we both know it. Marriage is worth it but it also is a lot of work - incredible highs and loathsome lows - the roller coaster of life. And there is no 50/50 relationship - one partner may have to carry the load for awhile and the other may at another time - something to be prepared for. If you work as a team and please, always talk things out, you should be okay. There are no guarantees in any relationship. We all just take it one day at a time. So, can I say my marriage has worked? Don't know - we're still figuring it out!! Go forth and be happy!!0
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If money is what bothers you, well, you might save money in taxes if you get married too (well, obviously you won't save money if you have a big wedding, but then you get presents too :laugh: ). The main reason to get married IMO is because it's more practical for paperwork, laws etc. I went through a divorce and it sucked, but money aside, I don't think it would have sucked less if we hadn't been married... it's a pain either way once you live together, even worse if you have kids obviously (at least we didn't).
Other than that, I don't think there's any difference between a married couple and a long term relationship. The relationship isn't easier to maintain whether you're married or not - and once you have kids, either way it's going to make things more complicated.0 -
It is for me ................ but "your mileage may vary".
^this^0 -
My husband and I come from very broken homes. I guess getting married made us strive for being what our parents weren't. Among other things, of course. 0
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Personally, I would just say make sure it is the right person and that you feel good about it.
My first marriage: I was 18. I was stupid and got pregnant so I married the guy. I only married him because I thought it was the right thing to do under the circumstances but I knew I didn't really want to be with him. Saying 'I do' was actually difficult to do. That marriage lasted about a year and is still, to this day, the biggest regret of my entire life!
I have been married now going on 5 years and I have never been happier. I know this one will last forever - because I want it to!
If you know that she is the right one for you and you want to make it work - then forget about everyone else's failures. This is about you, not them.
If you dig deep and find there are bigger reasons for your skepticism, perhaps it is best not to.0 -
If you, together, decide that it is worth it, it is. Make sure you know how to communicate, that you have made tentative long term contingency plans and know where you both stand on child raising and money.0
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I think its great to ask yourself these questions! So many people jump into it without even thinking about it. So what you are doing is a good healthy thing, IMO.
Hubby and I have been together 20 years and will be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary this summer. We have two great kids and truly enjoy spending time together. Like others have said, it does take work...but what doesn't in life? To be successful in your career, health, marriage you have to work at it. But its always worth it in the end. I couldn't imagine my life without my hubby. We encourage each other and support each other and it shows. People always say how happy we are, and it shows in my kids too. Its a great thing!
Good luck in your decision. Like a lot of things in life, try not to worry about tomorrow....just make the best of what you can today! 0 -
Life as it is now is pretty much perfect and the both of us feel we are ready to tie the knot, it is just after experiencing the aftermath of my brother's divorce that I am doing a lot of reading and asking around before taking the final step.
So, several comments:
* It seems like you have been with your girlfriend for a while, so you probably already have a reasonable idea of the day-to-day work required to be married. Of course, you could not get married, but just remain monogamous to each other, and, in that case, one could ask, "What is the difference between this and actually being married?". I guess that what I mean here is that, no matter the precise legal nature of your relationship, staying together for a long time will, at points, be very stressful, and require a lot of work to maintain.
* I generally find a nice way to think about the effort required to maintain a successful relationship as similar to that required to be successful in any other part of your life (work, hobbies/skills, etc). That being said, no one can be good at everything. So, if a person already has multiple major time sinks (high-power job, time-intensive hobbies, like physical training), I would suggest that that person seriously think about where he/she would find the time for another major "project".
* That being said, sometime sh** just happens that is neither foreseeable nor controllable. So, sometimes getting divorced is a reasonable thing.
Ultimately, I wouldn't beat myself to death over it if I were you. Thinking about it a bit is probably a good idea, but if you have been together a while, and you both think it is a reasonable thing to do, then get married.
Good luck!0 -
My husband and I both come from very fractured and broken homes. When we met we didn't believe in marriage. Fast forward 21 years, 2 gorgeous daughters and 7 years of marriage later - I couldn't be happier.
Only you will know when the right time is to get married. You will know that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person and fight tooth and nail for them. We went through a very traumatic time when we both weren't sure where to go next, he popped the question and it all just seemed right!
There isn't much else our families, the world or God could throw at us to break us apart, we've already been through it and come out fighting for each other. That's when you know they are "the one". He's my rock and my best friend and I'd be lost without him!
Plus whether you are married or not the children will feel the same trauma of you breaking up whether there is a ring and piece of paper involved or not!0 -
Speaking for myself, I have been married for 16 years now. It has not been easy but at the same, it has been the place of my greatest joy and fulfillment. I understand that people struggle and break up so again I am not saying it is easy but it is what you decide to make of it. I have determined that I am going to have a great marriage...going to work on being a good husband, faithful and loving, and a good dad. I get to decide that Good luck to you!
My husband and I will celebrate our 48th anniversary next month. I love what you said about your marriage and the fact that you have chosen to be the husband and father you are and that your wife and children deserve. I imagine she feels similarly about being a good wife and mother. When you married you made the first decision on your life's journey together. Every day you both get to decide to continue to follow your vows...to love and to honor, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death do we part.
In 48 years we have had many challenges, but we have worked through them. We have the blessing of a wonderful daughter and I give my husband much of the credit for how she grew up with good self esteem and a desire to be and to do good.
We have also had times of such great joy together and those memories carry us through the challenges.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment and that is the only way to approach it. Anything less is not really giving your heart to your spouse and your children.
God bless you and your family. And good luck to those who are brave enough to commit their life to another.0 -
My first marriage went down in flames; he was verbally abusive, alcoholic, and for the last 5 years of the marriage he was unemployed and spending money faster than I could make it. Getting untangled from that mess took 18 months, although I was happy with the ultimate settlement. (His request for alimony was denied.)
I knew that I'd missed out on a healthy marriage and was open to trying again. DH and I dated for 6 years and were married 11 years ago. We didn't even live together although we spent plenty of nights at each other's houses. We've never had an argument. Really. And it's not that we're harboring seething resentments that we don't bring into the open. It's that we have very similar values and an income that provides for all of our wants and needs. Day-to-day we're pretty frugal and we agree on the one big item in the "wants" category- travel. If we're on both sides of an issue, we're reasonable enough to realize that the truth is probably somewhere in the middle and neither of us is insistent on "winning". Life is good.
Anyway- the commitment of marriage was important to us although kids were not a factor (he was 65, I was 50) and the tax and other implications imposed by the state tick me off. About $7K of his SS gets clawed back in the form of taxes because I'm still working and we have a high joint income, for example. I wish we could have been married in the church but not in the eyes of the state but that's not possible.0 -
I feel the same way you do. My boyfriend talks about engagement and getting married all the time now that we bought a house and are having a baby together. And I always tell him the same thing, that I dont want to. I think the meaning of marriage is totally ruined. People get married MULTIPLE times these days without even thinking in my opinion. And I see a lot of couples being together for about a month and getting engaged, then calling it off, then getting back together and being engaged for about a week again, then calling it off again, and to me, thats ruined the meaning of even being engaged.
I think a lot of people need to realize its about being with someone you love, and you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. Not marrying them for a few years or even months, or just being engaged to them, then splitting up. Its not just about having a pretty ring. And I also tell my boyfriend that same thing. I dont need some big rock on my finger for me to know he loves me. I just want him to stick by my side, be a good boyfriend and father and be faithful/loyal. & if that doesnt work out, at least he wont have wasted his money a ring and wedding. And there will be no divorce to deal with, nor will I have to carry around his last name. SO to answer your question: No I dont think marriage is worth it at all.0 -
Marriage has to be something you're both ready to do. Things change when you're WITH that person day in and day out. Make sure you're really ready & committed. This year makes 9 years for my husband and I. We dated 3 years prior and lived together the year leading up to our nuptials. It has been a series of ups & downs, but mostly ups. Marriage is work....and it is compromise.... but it is so worth it if you're with the right person :-)0
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Prescription without diagnosis is malpractice. Not knowing anything about you, I have no idea if it would work for you.I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.
Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.0 -
I got married at 18 and my husband was 21, we have been together for 6 years and the question I always ask people when they talk about getting married is Are you willing to fight for it even in the darkest times? My husband is military and we have had to endure deployments and a very unpredictable work schedule, we have also had to deal with problems that we have caused each other. I will not lie and pretend that it has always been easy or fun, we have had to fight hard for our marriage and there have been a time or two divorce has crossed our minds but we have learned anything worth having is worth fighting for. He is my best friend and a awesome father and I could imagine my life without him, we have been through pretty much everything together and are still standing strong because we have always been willing to fight for it. So if you two are willing to fight for each other even when things are looking their worse than I'd say marriage is right for you but if not don't do it.0
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YES...45 years for me and never had a regret!!!0
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Depends on the pre nip lol0
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Life as it is now is pretty much perfect and the both of us feel we are ready to tie the knot, it is just after experiencing the aftermath of my brother's divorce that I am doing a lot of reading and asking around before taking the final step.
I appreciate each and every post
Ask your brother what he might have done differently. Sometimes even the most difficult of divorces there can be lessons learned.
In answer to your question, yes it is worth it! Your reading and asking questions is a good sign of commitment on your part. Best of luck to you whatever you decide! 0 -
I have been down this road twice and my answer is it really depends. With my first husband, I was young and more in love with the idea of being in love and married and children. That marriage went bad pretty much after a couple of years, but then we had a son and we toughed it out for almost 7 years - completely miserable, out of fear of hurting our son. Finally, we decided to go our separate ways and it was the best decision ever. Our son adjusted well and was much more happy spending his time between two happy people who were not together than two miserable people who were.
A year after my divorce I met my current partner. Neither of us had any intention to get married or have kids etc. but two years later that changed and we started living together, then later we had a son. We've been together 8 years now and he is absolutely my rock and my best friend. We are a good match - because we respect each other, we are friends, we still have a strong connection in all ways and it just works. Marriage was NOT worth it the first time around for me - but this time around has been very rewarding. It depends on the two people, how well your personalities blend, how long you've been together etc.
I always advise spending a great deal of time with someone before making that commitment. I didn't the first time and it cost me a lot of heartache (and him too). The second time, I was much more cautious and it's been amazing.0 -
Of course it is. No one EVER said it would be easy or require little work.
It's something you have to work at, improve, change every single day.
But it's worth it. So completely worth it. That one person becomes your partner for LIFE. Once the kids are grown and have started their own lives, that person will be there still. That person will grow old with you. Choose wisely.0 -
Is there someone in your life who has a great and enduring marriage? A marriage that when you look at them you think, I'd love to have that be my life? If so, take them to lunch and have a long talk to gain wisdom from them. Find out if their marriage was always as effortless as it looks now, and if not how they solved the problems they've had to deal with. Does their advice and reflection honestly sound like something you and your girlfriend would be willing, eager, and able to manage? Is it a marriage your girlfriend also admires? If not, make sure you know what her expectations are for an ideal marriage! If you two are in agreement maybe the admired couple would sign on as mentors for you and your girlfriend as a wedding gift :-) If there is no one any where in sight with a long lasting marriage that you'd like to emulate maybe that's your answer.0
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So far, after almost 4 years, I would say nope nope nopity nope.0
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