Is marriage still worth it?
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"When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.'0
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"...til death do us part."
When you get married, you are agreeing to jointly allocate resources for the rest of your life. Depending on your age, that could be 20 years, 40 years, 60 years, or more. Before deciding to get married, it is important to understand whether you can even conceive of that length of time.
When my students get married at 18 or 19 or 20, I ask them how long in the future they are even able to evaluate their choices. These are kids who had a term paper assigned 16 weeks before it was due, and they wrote the paper 48 hours before they turned it in. If they can't allocate their time over 16 weeks, how can they plan to allocate their time for the next 80 years?
By the time you are in your 30s, you start seeing a longer perspective. You think about buying a house (and paying a mortgage for 30 years), you think about a career, you think about how your work today will lead to a promotion in 2 years, you think about whether starting a business will work out for you in the long run. You think about whether you will be able to pay for college in 20 years for kids you don't even have yet. That's when you have the mind-set necessary to consider a commitment that will last until you die.
If the primary focus of your life is what you will do this weekend, then you are not ready to consider marriage. But if you consider how your choices today affect you and others not just this week or this month or this year, but next year, next decade, and far into the future, then you are ready to consider marriage.
Several people on this thread have commented that they got married too young, got divorced, and later got remarried successfully. Overwhelmingly, they comment that they weren't ready. They did not have the maturity or long-term coping skills even to understand what marriage is. They now understand that being in love is not sufficient to make a marriage work. Instead, being able to work together for a happy life is what makes it work -- and a happy life takes your entire life to complete.
When you look at failed marriages, ask when they got married, ask whether they understood the lifetime commitment, ask how long they were allocating their resources before they made the decision. You might find that for people getting divorced, at least one and possibly both were not ready for marriage. Then ask yourself honestly how much your mindset is the same as theirs when they got married.
You might be ready. You might not. Your partner might be ready. Your partner might not. Marriage only works if you are both ready to allocate your lives together "til death do us part." If you can't see that far in the future, you are not ready.0 -
"...til death do us part."
When you get married, you are agreeing to jointly allocate resources for the rest of your life. Depending on your age, that could be 20 years, 40 years, 60 years, or more. Before deciding to get married, it is important to understand whether you can even conceive of that length of time.
When my students get married at 18 or 19 or 20, I ask them how long in the future they are even able to evaluate their choices. These are kids who had a term paper assigned 16 weeks before it was due, and they wrote the paper 48 hours before they turned it in. If they can't allocate their time over 16 weeks, how can they plan to allocate their time for the next 80 years?
By the time you are in your 30s, you start seeing a longer perspective. You think about buying a house (and paying a mortgage for 30 years), you think about a career, you think about how your work today will lead to a promotion in 2 years, you think about whether starting a business will work out for you in the long run. You think about whether you will be able to pay for college in 20 years for kids you don't even have yet. That's when you have the mind-set necessary to consider a commitment that will last until you die.
If the primary focus of your life is what you will do this weekend, then you are not ready to consider marriage. But if you consider how your choices today affect you and others not just this week or this month or this year, but next year, next decade, and far into the future, then you are ready to consider marriage.
Several people on this thread have commented that they got married too young, got divorced, and later got remarried successfully. Overwhelmingly, they comment that they weren't ready. They did not have the maturity or long-term coping skills even to understand what marriage is. They now understand that being in love is not sufficient to make a marriage work. Instead, being able to work together for a happy life is what makes it work -- and a happy life takes your entire life to complete.
When you look at failed marriages, ask when they got married, ask whether they understood the lifetime commitment, ask how long they were allocating their resources before they made the decision. You might find that for people getting divorced, at least one and possibly both were not ready for marriage. Then ask yourself honestly how much your mindset is the same as theirs when they got married.
You might be ready. You might not. Your partner might be ready. Your partner might not. Marriage only works if you are both ready to allocate your lives together "til death do us part." If you can't see that far in the future, you are not ready.
This entire reply is really great, and the bolded part is especially true.0 -
I've been married to my hubby for almost 7 years, and we have one child who is almost a year old. Many of our peers (late 20s - early 30s) say that marriage isn't worth it, and are therefore choosing not to marry, but we disagree. We love being married and wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, the divorce rate is high, but that doesn't mean that *our* marriage, or *your* marriage, has to become a statistic.
I'd recommend "For Men Only" by Shaunti Feldhan... and have your girlfriend read "For Women Only" by the same author.
^ read before making a judgement about the book ^ :-P
EDIT: I love scottkjar's post! My husband and I got married at 22, and yes, we were ready. We finished college, got married, and began our careers all in one summer. We definitely understood - and still understand - the longterm allocation of resources. So a person *can* be ready that young... but we also weren't the type to take the last 48 hours to write a paper we've known about for 16 weeks :-P0 -
I have been married a few months, I have been with my hubby for 5 years. My parents where married 25 years before divorcing... Painful experience for myself, let alone them. After there divorce I told myself I will NEVER marry. After 4.5 years with my guy, I decided it was time. My in-laws have been married 50+ years (hubby was oops baby), I asked my mother in law the secret to marriage... She said "When you get married, change nothing other than your last name, don't change the way you treat each other, and don't look at things you currently enjoying doing for each other as a have to do. Basically, don't look at it like marriage is a chore" My hubby has had 2 failed marriage, The 2nd one I was involved in (not the reason, I was the assisting paralegal.) Good luck either way, but don't let other peoples bad marriages ruin your possibility of a great marriage.0
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So far, after almost 4 years, I would say nope nope nopity nope.
I'd have to say after 12.5 years, yep yep yepity yep.
I'll reiterate what a few people have already said. Get to know your potential spouse before marriage. Be their best friend, be the first person they turn to when they have a problem AND let them be the first one you turn to, be the type of person you want them to be proud of. Live each day with the idea that you want your partner to be happy, and will do what you can to make it so.
It's not easy. But so, so worth it.0 -
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and we've chit-chatted about our views on marriage etc. He's not particularly keen on the idea in general but I'd like to get married one day (way distant future!). But I guess that if I was with my boyfriend for long-term and he still didn't want to get married, would I give the idea up? Yeah. I'd rather have the guy and a happy relationship than a marriage.0
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Breaking up after a long term relationship, with children and shared property is going to be difficult regardless of whether you are married. It's not the marriage certificate that requires child custody decisions and property splitting - it's the existence of said children and property.
The lack of a marriage certificate just makes it easier for one party to totally screw the other.0 -
I'm recently married (7 - 8 months) but been together over five years.
I was the one who didn't care about marriage, didn't ever want to BE married, but his role in my life changed my mind.
At some point I realized I didn't want to be without him, couldn't imagine my life without him, and that he was my best friend. I wanted our relationship to be legally protected and recognized. We agreed on everything I considered important. And he makes me a better person.
Neither of us believed in the extravagant wedding crap, we planned our reception in one month, got married in the woods with a witness, and kept our names intact. I'm happy.0 -
Feels worth it to me. I've been married 14 years. We have similar goals in life so it's not like it deterred me from where I was headed. I wouldn't regret any of the time we spent together if it ended now.0
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Breaking up after a long term relationship, with children and shared property is going to be difficult regardless of whether you are married. It's not the marriage certificate that requires child custody decisions and property splitting - it's the existence of said children and property.
The lack of a marriage certificate just makes it easier for one party to totally screw the other.
Agreed. My aunt was in a long term relationship for 30 years, never got married, no kids. He passed away and she got royally screwed by the man's kids who had the next of kin rights. A marriage certificate would have insured that she would get his pension.0 -
I've been with my husband 12 years, married 10. We have 3 kids, ages 7,5 and 3. We are pretty happy. We get along well most of the time, our sex live is better than ever I think. We still sit around and drink wine and talk about how much we love each other after the kids go to sleep. We take interest in each others lives outside the marriage (I go to his mountain bike races, he went to my grad school things). It's just good. It hasn't always been but we made it through some tough times and have come out with better skills to handle those.
I think you have to maintain several rolls in a marriage. You have to be roommmates, lovers, friends, and coparents (if you have kids). And you really can't let any one of those slip, especially the lovers part. I think that's were more relationships go wrong than anywhere else. Couples accidentally become roommates and wonder why one or the other finally decides to move on.
A lot of marriages do fail these days, but I think if you constantly work on things, don't let resentment settle, don't let yourself fall out of love, etc, yes, it is worth it.0 -
After nearly 20 years, I would say, yes, it's worth it! We truly complement each other, and we grow closer all the time. I thought I was so much in love with my husband when we got married, but it's so much more now, and I can only imagine what it will be like in another 20 years.
But you have to realize that marriage isn't the finish line. It's the start. I think most marriages that fail* are because husband and wife forget to keep romancing each other and forget to work on it. We have had some serious bumps in our relationship, but we both were willing to forgive and move forward and work for each others' happiness.
(*I recognize that marriages end for reasons like abuse and infidelity, I'm just making a generalization about what seems to happen with many, many divorces)0 -
Honestly, if you love somebody and want to have kids with them, a break up of the relationship would be equally horrible in terms of emotional impact on your kids and financially, somebody would probably be paying support and seeing the kids less. If things get nasty- you are still going to court and paying.
I don't regret getting married and makes things like filing taxes, insurances easier. But my husband and I have no shared accounts and we agree that if the relationship ever ends x, y, z will happen. I think all married couples should actually sit down and have a conversation about what the end of he relationship might look like. For me, a piece of paper doesn't make my relationship special. It's a legal document. But the fact remains, my husband is the only person I could imagine marrying. Because I really trust him like that. I think sometimes you just gonna go for things.
If you are already comfortable with the idea of living and having kids with this woman, there really is no reason not to marry if you want that. Other people's experiences are theirs and while I am sure you know your brother, you likely don't know the whole story.
My brother is going through a divorce too. I think his ex did some really messed up things. But I also know that she's not an evil person, so there must be things I don't know about.0 -
Make sure as a couple you do most the the things you want to do before having kids. Having kids puts a damper on a lot of endeavors because there's a huge shift to attending to their needs and wants over yours and your SO's. Divorce usually happens when one or the another is either unfulfilled in their life or arguments of finances occur. Iron that **** out well before it becomes an issue.I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.
Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Personally I've been married 15 years now and my wife and I still act like we did when we were dating. Maybe less opening of doors (she doesn't wait for me to do it), but I still try to act like a gentlemen when I can.
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Speaking from experience...my parents got divorced, and it did not negatively affect me. In fact, I took it so well that I was sent to a session with a therapist just to make sure I was really okay! Divorce will affect children differently (age, presence of siblings, ect), but it's all about how parents handle it in the end. My parents never fought in front of me, have never ever tried to make the other look bad, and can still can be together at a same event and laugh/joke with eachother. They explained why they were splitting up in terms I could understand (I was 13), and I always knew they still loved me, but just didn't want to be together. Sure, it stunk not seeing both my parents every day at the same time, but they came up with a plan so I had access to both each week for a significant amount of time. It was awesome.
If divorce happens, there is a way to ease the blow on both yourself, any any children you have. And as unromantic as this sounds, if you have concerns, maybe it's a good idea to bring those up with your s/o before either of you makes a leap. Ask her how she feels about marriage, how you two would handle getting married, and what would happen if you did decide to end it. I think if you're having concerns, they're valid ones, and need to be discussed. And while no one wants to plan for the end of a relationship, in this case, given the money and property involved, it's better to have a game plan beforehand. Court is expensive.0 -
Life as it is now is pretty much perfect and the both of us feel we are ready to tie the knot, it is just after experiencing the aftermath of my brother's divorce that I am doing a lot of reading and asking around before taking the final step.
I appreciate each and every post
You are not your brother. If you are both ready then ask her.0 -
So far, after almost 4 years, I would say nope nope nopity nope.
Wait longer. 4 years is still early in the game. After 7-8 you're more likely to get it together if you're willing. If you bail now you'll never know.0 -
One of you wakes up bored one morning.
Lose your kids, lose your house, alimony for the rest of your life.
Been engaged twice and cheated on twice. Marriage ain't for me.0 -
You know how people are always saying that there is now a 50/50 chance you'll get divorced?
On me, it usually has the opposite effect from what's intended. I think 50% is pretty damn good odds because I feel that my relationship is way better than half the people I know's relationships. Success is basically guaranteed when you agree about big lifestyle things and financial matters, are good at dealing with occasional conflicts and communicating, respect each other, and find each other physically attractive too, haha.0
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