In desperate need of direction

DesperatelyDevestated
DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
in Chit-Chat
Hi,

I made this account for the purpose of asking many strangers, what would they do in my situation.

I'm a parent of a 21 year old ADHD son. He will be 21 the end of this month.


Today is the 3rd time i caught him selling marijuana from my house.

The first time, i sent him to a relatives house and he had to change high school and the only reason i let him return was because he earned his high school diploma

Second time, he was already half have way through his college classes and was working. He was removed from my house and allowed to stay at a friends house, which was a 2 hour commute, oneway, to his classes. He lost his job because of the distance, but he attended all of his classes and earned 12 college crdits in total. The friend could no longer allow him to stay, and he didn't have a job to get his own place. He begged me and said he had learned his lesson and that he would not betray me like that again. I let him come back.

Today it happened again. I don't know what to do anymore. He is denying it;s his, but he is a compulsive liar. He is my only son. His father was never a part of his life EVER. I've tried everything i possibly can think of. He's not a thug, he doesn't fight. He makes BAD decisions. But I just can't NOT do anything. This is our home, he is jeopardizing.

What would you do if this was your only child and no family in this state?

I'm thinking of asking a relative if he can go stay with them and get him away from this environment, but i feel so guilty asking someone to take on this type of burden. I;m so hurt and distraught right now, i wish i could just fall asleep and not wake up.
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Replies

  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    bump
  • RunnerStephe
    RunnerStephe Posts: 2,195
    What is bump?
  • andylowry
    andylowry Posts: 89
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.
  • goldthistime
    goldthistime Posts: 3,213 Member
    I hope others chime in, because I want to try to help because you sound pretty down, but I'm really not sure I can be of much help. Maybe first I could point out some positives. You are currently safe and healthy, he is safe and healthy, and the police have not been involved. Is this just about money? Could you help him get a better paying job? Offer an allowance? (It may sound strange to suggest that you reward his bad behavior, but killing him with kindness may work better than you think.)

    Or is this more about your anger and frustration that he has deceived and lied to you again? If this last part is the biggest part of the problem, rather than sending him away Immediately, could you try giving him "make amends" chores?
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    He sounds like a great kid who studies and works hard. I suggest buying a quarter and having a chill weekend.
  • baba_helly
    baba_helly Posts: 810 Member
    I personally would be proud of this display of entrepreneurship. What exactly is the problem?
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    Which state? I need a hookup.
  • baba_helly
    baba_helly Posts: 810 Member
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    thank you for your kind response.

    I'm more angry of the deception and the jeopardising my home.

    I give him $50 of my hard earned money every week for him to have something.

    He doenst have a job, we've been looking

    He's in a drug program where he is drug tested 2x a week because of possession of marijuana. If he completes the program, which he is set for graduation this month, he will have no criminial record.
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    because in this day and age. he can't have a future selling pot. I don't care if he does it under his OWN roof, preferably with a degree to fall back on, BUT IN HIS OWN HOME.

    I've worked my butt off to have an education and own a home for him to have a better envirnoment for him,
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    Which state? I need a hookup.

    have less than 20 grams or parefenelia is a misdemeanor in any state i think
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    Would it be ok if your only child, with no education, did this in your home?
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    because in this day and age. he can't have a future selling pot. I don't care if he does it under his OWN roof, preferably with a degree to fall back on, BUT IN HIS OWN HOME.

    I've worked my butt off to have an education and own a home for him to have a better envirnoment for him,

    In this day and age there is actually a legitimate future in the cultivation and selling of marijuana. Ever hear of dispensaries?

    And no, sweetie, you got an education and own home for yourself.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    Which state? I need a hookup.

    have less than 20 grams or parefenelia is a misdemeanor in any state i think

    Um, no it isnt.
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    because in this day and age. he can't have a future selling pot. I don't care if he does it under his OWN roof, preferably with a degree to fall back on, BUT IN HIS OWN HOME.

    I've worked my butt off to have an education and own a home for him to have a better envirnoment for him,

    In this day and age there is actually a legitimate future in the culturation and selling of marijuana. Ever hear of dispensaries?

    And no, sweetie, you got an education and own home for yourself.

    That day isn't here or in this state, yet.

    Who do you think inherits the house when i'm gone, I haven't loooked at your profile, but i bet you are just the type of person i imagine.


    Just looked,,, no pics. However, for a person to think that a person who has children, betters themselves, ONLY for themselves, Either has no children or very selfish. You will not be further engaged.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    because in this day and age. he can't have a future selling pot. I don't care if he does it under his OWN roof, preferably with a degree to fall back on, BUT IN HIS OWN HOME.

    I've worked my butt off to have an education and own a home for him to have a better envirnoment for him,

    In this day and age there is actually a legitimate future in the culturation and selling of marijuana. Ever hear of dispensaries?

    And no, sweetie, you got an education and own home for yourself.

    That day isn't here or in this state, yet.

    Who do you think inherits the house when i'm gone, I haven't loooked at your profile, but i bet you are just the type of person i imagine.

    I will play this game. Please tell me what type of person you imagine I am. :smile:
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Though, I have to admit, I also have a pretty good idea of what you are as well.
  • baba_helly
    baba_helly Posts: 810 Member
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    Would it be ok if your only child, with no education, did this in your home?

    Yes I would be. Your son is working (until you caused him to lose his job by kicking him out) and going to school. He is also an adult and needs to make things happen for himself. If you don't want him living in your house than that is your decision. On the other hand, you cannot control him and make choices for him.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

    I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

    I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    My honest solution is that you should move and take him with you.

    He seems committed to this as a "hobby" or career so while you can still continue to not openly condone it I would sell your house and move to any state with the least penalties and enforcement for such.

    Moving will accomplish 3 things.

    1) It will impress upon him the seriousness that you feel towards these activities.

    2) It will break down any connections he has to sellers or buyers.

    3) It will lessen your chances of putting your home or his future in jeopardy if you choose a locale where the punishments and enforcement are lax. (you just won't tell him this).

    I know you are going to say "It's not easy to just up and move, sell my house, get a new job etc." But you've said so yourself repeatedly. He is your only son and you don't have too many other options.

    NOTE: When you are job searching for yourself in your new locale I highly suggest you either find him a new job or encourage support him in finding any job outside the home with lots of hours depending on the nature of your relationship.

    You don't need his father, your sister, family in this state or our permission to do these things or his. Just a rapport with whoever's in charge of cleaning his record and a real estate agent and a job searching website. You can do it. Good luck to you. And to him. :flowerforyou:
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    Would it be ok if your only child, with no education, did this in your home?

    Yes I would be. Your son is working (until you caused him to lose his job by kicking him out) and going to school. He is also an adult and needs to make things happen for himself. If you don't want him living in your house than that is your decision. On the other hand, you cannot control him and make choices for him.

    I can respect that.

    Let me calrify, He lost his job all on his own, when he got arrested for driving, in the car that i bought for him to travel to school. He is in a program to get the charges removed.

    I'm so not making his choices, I'm giving the support he needs, financially and every other way, so that he may one day SOON, be able to acquire the skills to get a job which will give him independence. He has not had anything to show for this behavior of risking his freedom... nothing.
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

    I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

    I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

    I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

    That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Still curious as to the type of person I am.
  • thesaraaah
    thesaraaah Posts: 17 Member
    I understand your fears and wanting your son to be a productive and self sufficient person. Kicking him out wont solve anything. There are worse things a person can do then to sell some pot to his friends. Unless it becomes a huge problem concerning the safety for you and your home. As in strange shady people coming and going as they please, I wouldn't be too concerned. Weed is honestly not the worst thing to ever exist and you'd be surprised at the kind of people that smoke it. If he still goes to school and gets a degree while working, that should be enough and you should be proud.
  • LC458
    LC458 Posts: 300 Member
    Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

    I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

    I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

    Well said. This^^^
  • baba_helly
    baba_helly Posts: 810 Member
    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    Would it be ok if your only child, with no education, did this in your home?

    Yes I would be. Your son is working (until you caused him to lose his job by kicking him out) and going to school. He is also an adult and needs to make things happen for himself. If you don't want him living in your house than that is your decision. On the other hand, you cannot control him and make choices for him.

    I can respect that.

    Let me calrify, He lost his job all on his own, when he got arrested for driving, in the car that i bought for him to travel to school. He is in a program to get the charges removed.

    I'm so not making his choices, I'm giving the support he needs, financially and every other way, so that he may one day SOON, be able to acquire the skills to get a job which will give him independence. He has not had anything to show for this behavior of risking his freedom... nothing.

    My opinion still stands that you are far too involved in his choices and need to let him figure it out on his own. He is not going to learn independence or gain a real world skillset with you providing him everything and trying to fix his mistakes.
  • rgrange
    rgrange Posts: 236 Member
    why not see if he'd be interested in therapy to explore why he's being deceptive/returning to negative behaviors? I suspect it might be due to what seems like a lot of restriction from you. He's 21 and you're searching him and his room. I understand that it's your house/your rules/etc., but a lot of the time treating people like you don't trust them will result in things like this
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
    My honest solution is that you should move and take him with you.

    He seems committed to this as a "hobby" or career so while you can still continue to not openly condone it I would sell your house and move to any state with the least penalties and enforcement for such.

    Moving will accomplish 3 things.

    1) It will impress upon him the seriousness that you feel towards these activities.

    2) It will break down any connections he has to sellers or buyers.

    3) It will lessen your chances of putting your home or his future in jeopardy if you choose a locale where the punishments and enforcement are lax. (you just won't tell him this).

    I know you are going to say "It's not easy to just up and move, sell my house, get a new job etc." But you've said so yourself repeatedly. He is your only son and you don't have too many other options.

    NOTE: When you are job searching for yourself in your new locale I highly suggest you either find him a new job or encourage support him in finding any job outside the home with lots of hours depending on the nature of your relationship.

    You don't need his father, your sister, family in this state or our permission to do these things or his. Just a rapport with whoever's in charge of cleaning his record and a real estate agent and a job searching website. You can do it. Good luck to you. And to him. :flowerforyou:


    Thank you so very much for the time you took out to respond.

    That was a consideration of mine. But it's not what i want for myself, I like where i live and work, Why should i be punished? I've done nothing wrong.

    I've told him i will support him if he just wanted to get a skill at a technical school. As long as he can become independent. I want him to enjoy a good life and earn a good living for his future and his family. Not for me.

    I wish i had the money to just up and leave whenever i wanted.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

    I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

    I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

    I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

    That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

    I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

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