In desperate need of direction

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245

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  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    My honest solution is that you should move and take him with you.

    He seems committed to this as a "hobby" or career so while you can still continue to not openly condone it I would sell your house and move to any state with the least penalties and enforcement for such.

    Moving will accomplish 3 things.

    1) It will impress upon him the seriousness that you feel towards these activities.

    2) It will break down any connections he has to sellers or buyers.

    3) It will lessen your chances of putting your home or his future in jeopardy if you choose a locale where the punishments and enforcement are lax. (you just won't tell him this).

    I know you are going to say "It's not easy to just up and move, sell my house, get a new job etc." But you've said so yourself repeatedly. He is your only son and you don't have too many other options.

    NOTE: When you are job searching for yourself in your new locale I highly suggest you either find him a new job or encourage support him in finding any job outside the home with lots of hours depending on the nature of your relationship.

    You don't need his father, your sister, family in this state or our permission to do these things or his. Just a rapport with whoever's in charge of cleaning his record and a real estate agent and a job searching website. You can do it. Good luck to you. And to him. :flowerforyou:
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
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    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    Would it be ok if your only child, with no education, did this in your home?

    Yes I would be. Your son is working (until you caused him to lose his job by kicking him out) and going to school. He is also an adult and needs to make things happen for himself. If you don't want him living in your house than that is your decision. On the other hand, you cannot control him and make choices for him.

    I can respect that.

    Let me calrify, He lost his job all on his own, when he got arrested for driving, in the car that i bought for him to travel to school. He is in a program to get the charges removed.

    I'm so not making his choices, I'm giving the support he needs, financially and every other way, so that he may one day SOON, be able to acquire the skills to get a job which will give him independence. He has not had anything to show for this behavior of risking his freedom... nothing.
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
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    Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

    I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

    I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

    I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

    That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    Still curious as to the type of person I am.
  • thesaraaah
    thesaraaah Posts: 17 Member
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    I understand your fears and wanting your son to be a productive and self sufficient person. Kicking him out wont solve anything. There are worse things a person can do then to sell some pot to his friends. Unless it becomes a huge problem concerning the safety for you and your home. As in strange shady people coming and going as they please, I wouldn't be too concerned. Weed is honestly not the worst thing to ever exist and you'd be surprised at the kind of people that smoke it. If he still goes to school and gets a degree while working, that should be enough and you should be proud.
  • LC458
    LC458 Posts: 300 Member
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    Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

    I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

    I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

    Well said. This^^^
  • baba_helly
    baba_helly Posts: 810 Member
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    Are you certain he's selling it and not just using it? While I'm asking questions, what's your geographic locale? Using or selling pot is a more of a problem in some places rather than others.

    I saw him. As soon as he walked in the door I searched him and found $10. then i searched his room and found a small safe.

    It's a misdemeanor here.

    thanks for responding

    You're kicking him out of you house and causing him to lose his job because of it for selling dime bags? In an area where it's a misdemeanor?

    Again... what exactly is the problem?

    Would it be ok if your only child, with no education, did this in your home?

    Yes I would be. Your son is working (until you caused him to lose his job by kicking him out) and going to school. He is also an adult and needs to make things happen for himself. If you don't want him living in your house than that is your decision. On the other hand, you cannot control him and make choices for him.

    I can respect that.

    Let me calrify, He lost his job all on his own, when he got arrested for driving, in the car that i bought for him to travel to school. He is in a program to get the charges removed.

    I'm so not making his choices, I'm giving the support he needs, financially and every other way, so that he may one day SOON, be able to acquire the skills to get a job which will give him independence. He has not had anything to show for this behavior of risking his freedom... nothing.

    My opinion still stands that you are far too involved in his choices and need to let him figure it out on his own. He is not going to learn independence or gain a real world skillset with you providing him everything and trying to fix his mistakes.
  • rgrange
    rgrange Posts: 236 Member
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    why not see if he'd be interested in therapy to explore why he's being deceptive/returning to negative behaviors? I suspect it might be due to what seems like a lot of restriction from you. He's 21 and you're searching him and his room. I understand that it's your house/your rules/etc., but a lot of the time treating people like you don't trust them will result in things like this
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
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    My honest solution is that you should move and take him with you.

    He seems committed to this as a "hobby" or career so while you can still continue to not openly condone it I would sell your house and move to any state with the least penalties and enforcement for such.

    Moving will accomplish 3 things.

    1) It will impress upon him the seriousness that you feel towards these activities.

    2) It will break down any connections he has to sellers or buyers.

    3) It will lessen your chances of putting your home or his future in jeopardy if you choose a locale where the punishments and enforcement are lax. (you just won't tell him this).

    I know you are going to say "It's not easy to just up and move, sell my house, get a new job etc." But you've said so yourself repeatedly. He is your only son and you don't have too many other options.

    NOTE: When you are job searching for yourself in your new locale I highly suggest you either find him a new job or encourage support him in finding any job outside the home with lots of hours depending on the nature of your relationship.

    You don't need his father, your sister, family in this state or our permission to do these things or his. Just a rapport with whoever's in charge of cleaning his record and a real estate agent and a job searching website. You can do it. Good luck to you. And to him. :flowerforyou:


    Thank you so very much for the time you took out to respond.

    That was a consideration of mine. But it's not what i want for myself, I like where i live and work, Why should i be punished? I've done nothing wrong.

    I've told him i will support him if he just wanted to get a skill at a technical school. As long as he can become independent. I want him to enjoy a good life and earn a good living for his future and his family. Not for me.

    I wish i had the money to just up and leave whenever i wanted.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

    I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

    I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

    I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

    That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

    I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
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    why not see if he'd be interested in therapy to explore why he's being deceptive/returning to negative behaviors? I suspect it might be due to what seems like a lot of restriction from you. He's 21 and you're searching him and his room. I understand that it's your house/your rules/etc., but a lot of the time treating people like you don't trust them will result in things like this

    I only searched because of the past times and what i had just saw. If i had searched before i would have found the safe. I'm not an overbearing person. I don;t look for things unless it's obvious.
  • grandmothercharlie
    grandmothercharlie Posts: 1,363 Member
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    We are not talking about a 10 year old who you can punish and who will learn from the consequences. We are talking about a 21 year man who is a compulsive liar who should by now either be in school or out on his own. Either he will learn on his own, or he won't, but you cannot jeopardize you home, your health, or your reputation on a person who obviously has chosen to take the easy way out and not live a healthy, normal responsible life. He is your son. You do and should love him. You do not need to enable him or, at this point, try to teach him anything. Also, it would be irresponsible for you to pawn him off on someone else. Pack up his things and show him the door!
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
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    [/quote]

    My opinion still stands that you are far too involved in his choices and need to let him figure it out on his own. He is not going to learn independence or gain a real world skillset with you providing him everything and trying to fix his mistakes.
    [/quote]

    So your agreeing with me kicking him out?
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
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    We are not talking about a 10 year old who you can punish and who will learn from the consequences. We are talking about a 21 year man who is a compulsive liar who should by now either be in school or out on his own. Either he will learn on his own, or he won't, but you cannot jeopardize you home, your health, or your reputation on a person who obviously has chosen to take the easy way out and not live a healthy, normal responsible life. He is your son. You do and should love him. You do not need to enable him or, at this point, try to teach him anything. Also, it would be irresponsible for you to pawn him off on someone else. Pack up his things and show him the door!

    thanks grands

    I agree with you, but it's so hard to do, when I know he doesn't have family or friends here. Will you send your child off to the streets?

    The pawning off, would be for him to relocate. I don't think he will be able to sell anything in a state he;s never been.

    B
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    ...I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

    I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

    I agree with this. He sounds like a spoiled brat who's manipulating and taking advantage of you. You're going to have to decide for yourself how much enabling you are willing to do. If you could get him into a new environment he would have a better chance at starting over. Sticking around home he's just going to keep running into the same people. Imagine him 10 years from now still selling dime bags out of your house. I know some other posters are mocking this scenario, but I've seen it happen. It's kinda pathetic.
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
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    Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

    I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

    I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

    I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

    That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

    I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

    Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.
  • aliakynes
    aliakynes Posts: 352 Member
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    I think I would take time to realistically go over the consequences; he might be thinking he'd get a fine or community service if he got caught and you're therefore overreacting. A misdemeanor is often a fine but how much? He'll have to go to court and to make sure that no other charges are added on by a cop having a bad day (and try to get community service over a fine), he'll need a lawyer. How much is the starting rate for a criminal lawyer in your area? It doesn't sound like he makes enough money to cover the risks. Analyze all those factors together and find out how much something like this costs.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    I wonder how I would have turned out if I were micromanaged and enabled.
  • flawwd
    flawwd Posts: 32 Member
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    Sounds like the two of you need some counselling.

    Plus isn't this a health/weight related site? Not sure if someone should be making an account just to ask for advice about their son. I feel for you, but this is not the appropriate site.
  • DesperatelyDevestated
    DesperatelyDevestated Posts: 19
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    I understand your fears and wanting your son to be a productive and self sufficient person. Kicking him out wont solve anything. There are worse things a person can do then to sell some pot to his friends. Unless it becomes a huge problem concerning the safety for you and your home. As in strange shady people coming and going as they please, I wouldn't be too concerned. Weed is honestly not the worst thing to ever exist and you'd be surprised at the kind of people that smoke it. If he still goes to school and gets a degree while working, that should be enough and you should be proud.

    THanks sarah,

    I respect your opinion,

    I'm so afraid that letting that happen will be telling him it's alright to forgo an education, for selling pot. The law isn't that forgiving neither is society when he applies for a job and the question "have you ever been arrested or convicted of a crime" comes up.

    Getting caught is my biggest fear for him.

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