rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight
everythingworthy2468
Posts: 14
hi everyone
i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".
so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.
i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.
Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.
i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".
so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.
i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.
Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.
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Replies
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Why would someone being a total (insert expletive here) be a reality check for YOU to change YOURself or YOUR life? Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. It's accepting the other person part and parcel, and making the choice - sometimes over and over again - to love that person no matter what. That love may have been one-sided in your case.
Have you considered that maybe, just maybe he wasn't totally honest about his life, situation, or even relationship status? There's a possibility, and a large one at that, that he may have some skeletons in his closet that he wasn't ready, willing, or able to reveal, and you are not the reason he ended things. Pinning it on your weight could very well have been his easy out.
Get well. Get healthy. Get fit. But do those things for YOU. Not to be "good enough" for someone else.0 -
You don't need a man who can't love you the way you deserve to be loved.0
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I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.
I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.
Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.
FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.
Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.0 -
You don't need a man who can't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
funny you say that, because he fully said to me "i don't deserve your love", which to me just meant "i don't love you, therefore i will tell you this to make it sound like you're the one rejecting me". But, you're right. It's just an extremely difficult concept to accept at the moment when my weight has been such a barrier in my life currently, from my heart being shattered (it seems ridiculous for an online romance to have this kind of power over me, but i truly was invested heart and soul) to my family criticizing me based on my weight, to feeling uncomfortable at work and grocery store.0 -
I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.
I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.
Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.
FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.
Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.
thank you for your advice, it's a hard pill to swallow - stark reality0 -
40 pounds isn't THAT much weight. I gained almost 100 pounds when I first started dating my boyfriend and he still finds me attractive. Obviously that's kind of an excessive amount but you see what I'm saying.
Consider this. Let's say you lose the weight and he "loves" you again. Great! What happens if you get married and something happens and you gain the weight again?0 -
Why would someone being a total (insert expletive here) be a reality check for YOU to change YOURself or YOUR life? Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. It's accepting the other person part and parcel, and making the choice - sometimes over and over again - to love that person no matter what. That love may have been one-sided in your case.
Have you considered that maybe, just maybe he wasn't totally honest about his life, situation, or even relationship status? There's a possibility, and a large one at that, that he may have some skeletons in his closet that he wasn't ready, willing, or able to reveal, and you are not the reason he ended things. Pinning it on your weight could very well have been his easy out.
Get well. Get healthy. Get fit. But do those things for YOU. Not to be "good enough" for someone else.
that's what i have to keep telling myself to pick up the pieces. the first thing i figured was that he if even cared for me as a friend, he would have stayed and supported me, instead of leaving me alone for the entirety of the night bawling. to drive four hours home in the middle of the night seemed excessive and nearly as hurtful as the rejection itself. I also am to blame for i did not make realistic light on my weight gain through up to date full body pictures. he saw a lot of older pictures of me when i was more fit, though not the most fit i've been. i think i was scared to show what i have become, but i fully communicated with him about my illness and weight gain. i don't think he realized the reality of the situation until he saw me. either way, it may have been a blessing in disguise but that is the conflict i am trying to work out at the moment. my heart still aches for the love i feel is precious, real and deep. i cannot understand how a person can hurt another in this manner, walk away and act like nothing happened.0 -
Hugs..
It really possibly has nothing to do with your weight on the grand scheme of things.
When you just talk online and never meet them in person you build them up to be this person in your head. A lot of times people meet and you just aren't exactly what you had pictured them to be inside and out. that's why when I did online dating, I wouldn't talk for weeks on end, or write books to eachother, etc. because it can be so false and such a let down when they aren't the perfect match in person as they were online. Some people just don't mesh.
weight may have been his easy way out because HE knew that YOU felt bad/down on yourself. It was easy for him.
Sounds like it just may not have been meant to be, still sucks, still hurts, but you can and will move on. You will find Mr. Right I am 100% sure of it. Took me along time to find my special man, but I did, and he was NOTHING on the outside that I ever had imagined but glad I found him because he is perfect.
good luck.0 -
40 pounds isn't THAT much weight. I gained almost 100 pounds when I first started dating my boyfriend and he still finds me attractive. Obviously that's kind of an excessive amount but you see what I'm saying.
Consider this. Let's say you lose the weight and he "loves" you again. Great! What happens if you get married and something happens and you gain the weight again?
thank you, that is a great consideration for me to think about. i can't see past the "i will do anything to improve for him" light right now, even if it includes remaining obsessive if we ever married. im the kind of person that will do anything for my loved one, especially when the love is this deep. the problem was the underlying medical condition that caused me to gain. and he seemed to understand that, he even researched it! i'm confused and wondering if it's so repulsive that he had to run away, to get away from me. i would have loved him in any form, it's the biggest pain to know he doesn't and that his promises are void.0 -
40 pounds isn't THAT much weight. I gained almost 100 pounds when I first started dating my boyfriend and he still finds me attractive. Obviously that's kind of an excessive amount but you see what I'm saying.
Consider this. Let's say you lose the weight and he "loves" you again. Great! What happens if you get married and something happens and you gain the weight again?
thank you, that is a great consideration for me to think about. i can't see past the "i will do anything to improve for him" light right now, even if it includes remaining obsessive if we ever married. the problem was the underlying medical condition that caused me to gain. and he seemed to understand that, he even researched it! i'm confused and wondering if it's so repulsive that he had to run away, to get away from me. i would have loved him in any form, it's the biggest pain to know he doesn't and that his promises are void.
Please don't improve for him, do it for YOU... he doesn't deserve you at your best, if he can't take you at your worst. If it's one thing it will always be another. When you find the person for you, this will never even be questioned.0 -
Hugs..
It really possibly has nothing to do with your weight on the grand scheme of things.
When you just talk online and never meet them in person you build them up to be this person in your head. A lot of times people meet and you just aren't exactly what you had pictured them to be inside and out. that's why when I did online dating, I wouldn't talk for weeks on end, or write books to eachother, etc. because it can be so false and such a let down when they aren't the perfect match in person as they were online. Some people just don't mesh.
weight may have been his easy way out because HE knew that YOU felt bad/down on yourself. It was easy for him.
Sounds like it just may not have been meant to be, still sucks, still hurts, but you can and will move on. You will find Mr. Right I am 100% sure of it. Took me along time to find my special man, but I did, and he was NOTHING on the outside that I ever had imagined but glad I found him because he is perfect.
good luck.
thank you for the kind and reassuring words. i do believe there is someone for everyone. i will have to just let time do it's magic i suppose. if two people are meant to be, they will find their way back - something that has been on my mind lately, not just as a hope but as a healing.0 -
he wasn't your soulmate. You're soulmate would find you attractive at almost any size.
In any case, stop talking to him because he's an *kitten*, lose the weight and become happy with YOURSELF, then go out into the real world and meet someone.0 -
Seriously in this day and age, you never seen what each other looked like? With Skype, Facetime, etc etc how could you not. Sorry, I understand people meet online all the time, but surely they find a way to see each other before they meet "in person".
Honestly you never really know someone until you meet them and spend time with them in person. Their "online" personality could be totally awesome and also totally fabricated. This person could have been a real creeper. Please be careful in the future.
If you feel that you can improve on yourself, do it for YOU not anyone else. Changing for another person never works, and honestly if I were you I wouldn't give him a second chance. You are still the person he supposedly fell in love with online yet he rejected you in person. Forget about him. Pick your fabulous self up and get yourself back on track...but do it for yourself! Another person cannot make you happy, you have to find your happiness within. :ohwell:0 -
Seriously in this day and age, you never seen what each other looked like? With Skype, Facetime, etc etc how could you not. Sorry, I understand people meet online all the time, but surely they find a way to see each other before they meet "in person".
Honestly you never really know someone until you meet them and spend time with them in person. Their "online" personality could be totally awesome and also totally fabricated. This person could have been a real creeper. Please be careful in the future.
If you feel that you can improve on yourself, do it for YOU not anyone else. Changing for another person never works, and honestly if I were you I wouldn't give him a second chance. You are still the person he supposedly fell in love with online yet he rejected you in person. Forget about him. Pick your fabulous self up and get yourself back on track...but do it for yourself! Another person cannot make you happy, you have to find your happiness within. :ohwell:
Yes I think a big mistake was we didn't video chat, though i did send him a video of me talking. i'm wondering if it was not only my body but my face as well - which has changed because of the weight. i feel like maybe he felt deceived by me, but either way - i don't think im a hideous monster, which is what i felt like that night i sat there and cried for hours. the worst part is that i have great intuition and i never felt a bad vibe from him, i think he is a good person, he just is judgmental (as he calls it "picky") or at least was expecting a totally different me (the fit me). i did however, have an intuitive feeling about meeting and i knew i shouldn't have. but, thank you for the support, i need to work on myself before i can be happy with anyone else. including people i can meet online
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So, the dude was trying to get some and you aren't his type. **** that, get fit for you. He'll regret walking out.0
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Sorry for what you're going through.
Don't change/lose weight solely to get a guys full attention back. If you appreciate you for you, than you'll also find someone else who appreciates you for who you truly are as well. If he didn't accept your 40/lb weight gain due to your medical issue (well medical issue or not) than he isn't your soulmate.
Take time to find yourself, get the medical help that you need, etc.0 -
I understand the deep connection, I really do. I've definitely fallen for people I've only seen online, and my current boyfriend of over 5 years was found online. However, if he can't love you with a few pounds on—can't even say that he loves you after months of emotional connection and saying it—he's not your soulmate. You're hurting right now and everything feel like it's falling apart, but I think that's the clearest thing that you need to think about right now.
There's nothing wrong with you. As you grow older with someone, your body will change. What if you have kids? You'll definitely put on weight then. Even if you got fit and active again for this guy, what if you're injured later on and gain some weight then? Your body is constantly changing and it's vital that the person you're with decide to be with you and not your body at that point in time. I gained 50 pounds from when I first met my boyfriend to when I was at my highest weight, and when I told him that he was genuinely shocked. He hadn't even realized it, even though we only saw each other in person 3 times a year. If a person is honestly, truly in love with you, they'll have rose colored glasses when it comes to your body that might be hard to understand.
If you want to make yourself healthier and feel better, do it for you. Someone who genuinely loves you for you won't be put off being in a relationship with you because of your weight. Not saying they won't have their preferences for women, but when they look at you they'll see all the good things about you that you can't see about yourself and they'll be able to say they love you even if you're NOT their ideal version of beauty.0 -
Being that you felt fully invested in this online romance, you will have to do some grieving because you have experienced this as a loss. Eventually though you must start working on yourself-to get back the confidence you once had.You don't need a man who can't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
funny you say that, because he fully said to me "i don't deserve your love", which to me just meant "i don't love you, therefore i will tell you this to make it sound like you're the one rejecting me". But, you're right. It's just an extremely difficult concept to accept at the moment when my weight has been such a barrier in my life currently, from my heart being shattered (it seems ridiculous for an online romance to have this kind of power over me, but i truly was invested heart and soul) to my family criticizing me based on my weight, to feeling uncomfortable at work and grocery store.
Do it however you need to in a healthy way.
If you feel the need to speak to a professional, then do so.
I do not however believe you should even be friends with this person.0 -
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he wasn't your soulmate. You're soulmate would find you attractive at almost any size.
In any case, stop talking to him because he's an *kitten*, lose the weight and become happy with YOURSELF, then go out into the real world and meet someone.
I agree...A+Hole...Move on ... that was not an u nconditional love or even someone who could be with you "for better or or worse"0 -
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It is a sad thing that happened to you, but you should not use this for motivation.... because you need to do it for yourself. Not for anyone else, and only if you yourself want to do it.
as for your relation ship issue, can't give much advice.. we don't know the full story, and we don't know if he was telling the truth that time or the entire time..0 -
I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.
A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.0 -
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First of all, I'm SO sorry to hear about your heartache; I'm convinced there are few things in life that feel worse than someone not loving you. Here are my two cents, and they are VERY honest cents, so beware:
1) Could you not have communicated your illness/weight gain with the man long before you met up? If you weren't comfortable enough to do that, I would question your comfort level with him and your perceived notions of his character.
2) For someone to say they actually love you, and then to leave you alone at night (after driving four hours to see you), I would question his honesty. If he really loved YOU, he would be accepting of your medical condition.
3) I know it's hard to believe (or even think) now, but this guy is SO not worth your time. I know I'm just an outsider, but I think outsiders see the truth best sometimes. You are on MyFitness Pal...you obviously care about your health and well-being, but don't rely on someone else for your happiness (especially not this guy). You deserve way better. Address your medical issue, exercise (if you can), and feel good about yourself....someone worthwhile will come your way!
Again...I'm so sorry. You seem like such a sweet person, and we all love you.0 -
Its not his fault he isn't attracted to you. Its not a decision we get to make.
But still...to hell with him. Find someone who's really into you.0 -
I met my man over 2 years ago when I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. We met online and the moment I saw his picture, I was instantly in love with him. I wanted to meet him so bad. We met and had a few good weeks of "fun". I was totally, crazy madly in love with him and while he liked me, he was not genuinely interested. It really hurt me. I can't remember the last time I cried over a man. Deep down, I knew it was my weight.
In September, he wound up finding me, not realizing it was me. When he sent me his picture, I about *kitten* myself that it was him. When I told him who I was,he was surprised he had found me. We wound up hooking up. All the feelings I had about him, being crazy in love with him, came right back. I told myself I'd just f!ck him and dump him, but I couldn't do it. We wound up starting to spend a lot of time together and I finally told him I love him.
My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."0 -
I'm guessing someone else has already said this but it bears repeating- I think you are confused about what a "soul-mate" is.
You can do better. Would you have ever treated him that way?0 -
Fact is, when you meet someone irl, it can change everything very quickly. That emotional/mental connection is there, though physical connection becomes just as important when your face to face. Now, this guy is obviously not unconditional, well...at least the first impression didnt stick.
Time to move on from him. Lose weight for yourself if you feel you need to, do not do it for him because like your first date, you will likely end up disappointed.
I know I had body dysmorphia - where I thought I was skinnier than what I truly was. I find pictures are hard to argue with, perhaps try taking a picture of yourself and then you can be real with yourself.0
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