rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight
Replies
-
I'm reminded of a song called "Heartbreak's a Blessing". It really seems to fit here. I hope this isn't terrible advice, but it is how I hope I would react. I would feel bad about myself for a bit, but only a little bit. And then I would look at myself in the mirror. And then I would use that motherf***ing rejection for fuel and motivation. I'd think about it at the gym, I'd think about it while I ate, I'd think about it when I got up, etc. Eff that guy, but make you the best you you can be. Use it to better yourself and make yourself more confident and proud.0
-
This really sucks, but honestly? You dodged a bullet.0
-
I don't think it's his fault he's not attracted to you. We can't help what we like and what we don't like.
That said, attraction and love are different. If he had said he loved you, and truly loved you, I don't think he would have suddenly refused to say it (after saying it for months) and I don't think he would've left you alone bawling all night, nor do I think he would've grown cold and distant as the night wore on. If he really loved you, the weight would not have changed that. Maybe he wouldn't have wanted to SLEEP with you, but the love and affection would still be there. I'm not saying he's an *kitten*, but what I am saying is that it's possible that he thought he loved you, and then realized that he didn't.
I think it seems like you two just fell in love and had this ideal version of each other in your heads and then when you got together, the chemistry just wasn't there for him. It sucks, and it's awful and trust me, I know your pain when it comes to rejection and weight.
Yes, maybe it's possible that you lose this weight and then he suddenly finds you attractive again. But then what happens if you gain some back? It's a thought to consider that maybe you're just not a good match for each other. And when you find someone who loves you for you, every inch of you, you'll be glad you didn't settle for someone who needed you a certain way.
That said, I really don't advise being friends with this guy. Unrequited love between friends never works well. And would you be able to remain his friend as he started dating someone else? Without breaking your heart or losing your mind?
Dust yourself off and move on. And I'm very sorry for your rough night! I feel your pain, truly!0 -
I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.
A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.
+1
It's not vain or shallow for people to take into account physical attraction when deciding whether or not they want to be in a committed relationship with someone. That is human nature and if anyone who is naive enough to believe that someone doesn't need a certain level of physical attraction to feel fulfilled in a relationship they are pretty foolish.
But I also believe that sometimes people aren't the right fit. It's not that one isn't good enough for the other, they just aren't right for each other. Work on yourself, find the things in life that make YOU happy and confident in yourself, personality and physical appearance alike, and that will draw the right person to you.0 -
Very sorry you had to experience this.
The guy is a jerk. He doesn't know what love is. It sounds to me like the sweet things he said to you were just a tool to get what he wanted, and that he is actually very shallow.
If he knows what you look like "at your best"... and he knows that what he saw was "at your worst"... and he knows about the condition behind it... and he knows how capable you are of getting in and staying in shape... then his reaction shows me he is only thinking about what he sees now and what he sees is in no way being filtered by any emotional connection with you.
If I'm in love with someone and they gain weight, I don't care if it's 100lbs, I am still going to be attracted to them and only want to be with them. I believe love sparks sexual attraction beyond physical aesthetics. I'm also going to stick with them and help them get back in shape, every step of the way, and I will go out of my way everyday to make sure they know I still love them and want them. I would like to think that that is how any REAL man loves a woman, and that I'm not just some odd romantic anomaly.
I hope your heart heals quickly and that you get back in shape for you because you deserve it... and that you find a real man to love you the way you deserve to be loved.0 -
I'd think twice about someone that left in the middle of the night to drive four hours home. Sounds like he had someone waiting for/expecting him.
That said, I am sorry you were hurt. :frown:0 -
I met my man over 2 years ago when I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. We met online and the moment I saw his picture, I was instantly in love with him. I wanted to meet him so bad. We met and had a few good weeks of "fun". I was totally, crazy madly in love with him and while he liked me, he was not genuinely interested. It really hurt me. I can't remember the last time I cried over a man. Deep down, I knew it was my weight.
In September, he wound up finding me, not realizing it was me. When he sent me his picture, I about *kitten* myself that it was him. When I told him who I was,he was surprised he had found me. We wound up hooking up. All the feelings I had about him, being crazy in love with him, came right back. I told myself I'd just f!ck him and dump him, but I couldn't do it. We wound up starting to spend a lot of time together and I finally told him I love him.
My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."
Oh, girl. That gives me the sads.0 -
I can understand you being hurt, I really can. And I've been there in the "I will do anything for this person, they are my everything and my whole world". And I've been rejected for my weight, my looks, my personality, you name it. It took a lot of rejection, and pain, before I realized there are 7 billion people in this world; I will find someone who loves me for me eventually.
I'm not trying to sound like a cliche, but it's true. Go to the grocery store or the mall. Look at the people who are overweight, unattractive, horribly mean and screaming at their kids, and see how most of them will have a significant other or a ring on their finger. It will shock you. There is someone out there for everyone, and maybe this guy is not the one for you.
So cry about it, vent about it, and then get over it (not in a mean way! It's just a process). Then do what you need to do to make yourself strong, healthy, and the best person you can be, so when the RIGHT guy finally comes along he gets the best of you.
I hope that helps some!0 -
Hugs!!!
I'm sorry your feeling down. I know it's hard right now and you'll need time to process all of what happened. But I personally think that he wasn't your soul mate. If he was, it wouldn't have turned out the way it did.
I think you should get fit and lose that weight, but not for him. For it to work out, you have to do this for yourself. I know your feeling down right now, but your in the right place to get started on your weight loss journey :-)
my husbands loved me at 202 lbs, 135 lbs, and every weight in between. You deserve that as well. Get fit for you and worry about relationship stuff after your done working on yourself, as you stated that you have a medical issue to deal with as well.
I wish you the best!!!0 -
So many other factors at play here and not just the weight.
When people people online nothing, absolutely nothing, is real until the two people have met. Until people meet the relationship is built on a fantasy of who we think the other people is, that fantasy is based on the other person being at their best in photos, messages and emails. No one is that perfect. He wasn't your soulmate because the relationship was built on fantasy.
The other person doesn't want to hear about issues, sickness or weight gain because it will ruin their fantasy, hell we don't tell them because we don't want to ruin the fantasy either. So the omissions start and probably some fibs and people start to hide who they really are. They start to omit pertinent facts.
Come the meeting, comes big expectations! Fantasy comes crashing down in a screaming heap. The other person is real, warts and all, and they then blame the other person for the loss of the fantasy.
I can understand not being attracted to a bigger person that someone has just met, we are visual creatures and there hasn't been time to develop a relationship.
I would say, that here it was more than just the weight gain, it was also the fact that the person felt deceived because they were expected a slimmer person based on photos that had previously been received. With all that comes reality, the crushing of a fantasy that he had built up in his head.
OP lose the weight if you want to, but do it for you and your own health's sake, move on from him, meet other people, live your live to the best of your ability...and should you develop another long distance relationship...remember its just a fantasy until you meet and have known each other for quite a few months.0 -
Ditch him.
While I respect him for being able to be honest and let you know he's not that into you (which is a GREAT book and I highly, HIGHLY recommend you read - super empowering. Don't see the movie - read the book book) - rejection does hurt. Don't waste your time on someone who is just not really worth it. There is someone out there who can give you exactly what you deserve, and this guy just isn't it.
Also - get yourself happy and healthy. If it is at your current weight, then great! If you need to lose a bit of weight to feel good about yourself, then do it. But do it for yourself, not for some guy.0 -
I met my man over 2 years ago when I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. We met online and the moment I saw his picture, I was instantly in love with him. I wanted to meet him so bad. We met and had a few good weeks of "fun". I was totally, crazy madly in love with him and while he liked me, he was not genuinely interested. It really hurt me. I can't remember the last time I cried over a man. Deep down, I knew it was my weight.
In September, he wound up finding me, not realizing it was me. When he sent me his picture, I about *kitten* myself that it was him. When I told him who I was,he was surprised he had found me. We wound up hooking up. All the feelings I had about him, being crazy in love with him, came right back. I told myself I'd just f!ck him and dump him, but I couldn't do it. We wound up starting to spend a lot of time together and I finally told him I love him.
My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."
Oh, girl. That gives me the sads.
WOW.0 -
I am really sorry to hear that you have a broken heart. Honestly, if this guy truly loved you unconditionally he would love you for who you are no matter what you look like. It is hard to trust online relationships because saying you love someone over the internet is a lot easier to say than face to face. If you want to be fit and happy, healthy again do it for yourself and your own happiness but not for some guy that has no respect for you if he cannot accept that life changes.0
-
I met my man over 2 years ago when I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. We met online and the moment I saw his picture, I was instantly in love with him. I wanted to meet him so bad. We met and had a few good weeks of "fun". I was totally, crazy madly in love with him and while he liked me, he was not genuinely interested. It really hurt me. I can't remember the last time I cried over a man. Deep down, I knew it was my weight.
In September, he wound up finding me, not realizing it was me. When he sent me his picture, I about *kitten* myself that it was him. When I told him who I was,he was surprised he had found me. We wound up hooking up. All the feelings I had about him, being crazy in love with him, came right back. I told myself I'd just f!ck him and dump him, but I couldn't do it. We wound up starting to spend a lot of time together and I finally told him I love him.
My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."
That last part just does not compute for me, really cannot wrap my head around those words. I just cannot understand how someone can be both "the one" and also "too big" or "too small" or "too whatever". But then again I don't have to, you 2 are together and I hope you are both very happy and I wish you all the best :flowerforyou:0 -
Seriously in this day and age, you never seen what each other looked like? With Skype, Facetime, etc etc how could you not. Sorry, I understand people meet online all the time, but surely they find a way to see each other before they meet "in person".
Honestly you never really know someone until you meet them and spend time with them in person. Their "online" personality could be totally awesome and also totally fabricated. This person could have been a real creeper. Please be careful in the future.
This whole sentiment makes my skin crawl. You CAN really know someone before you meet them and spend time with them in person. It just depends. My husband IRL is EXACTLY the same as he was for years online thousands of miles away. We never skyped/facetimed etc. He tried to get me to video chat once and I told him no because I thought it was creepy. I guess we had seen a few pics of each other before we met for the first time. He had some kind of mental breakdown where you'd have thought he was 14 years old he was so sick in love with me (before we met the first time). I think I could have looked like jabba the hut and he'd still have been infatuated.
Now to be fair, there are a few.. quirky behaviors I didn't know about before living with him, but I am quite sure he would have hid those had we meet IRL as I am pretty sure he knows those behaviors are weird, to put it in the best light possible. BUT he is the exact.same.person I envisioned and the same one I fell in love with. I tease him about the odd behaviors but they sure as heck don't make me not love him/not attracted to him.
I get people saying be wary, be careful as there are a lot of fakes out there. That is as much true IRL as it is online. It is good sound advice. But when it is real and people are honest, decent, open people online there is no mystery to them you will discover once you are together in person.
On another note to take things to another level- if you were mauled in an accident and lost all your limbs and could never be "intimate" again, do you want a SO who will walk away or one who will stick by you through that experience? We can't control all things about our appearance. I'd tote my husband around in a box if I had to even if he was just a stump, or burned beyond recognition or any of the other horrible things that can happen to people by accident. Life's too short to devote to someone you are not that dedicated to, or to waste time being with someone who is not that dedicated to you. I know it sucks right now but good for the guy for at least being honest, too bad he didn't know/do so sooner so he didn't waste so much of your time and break your heart so badly.0 -
So many other factors at play here and not just the weight.
When people people online nothing, absolutely nothing, is real until the two people have met. Until people meet the relationship is built on a fantasy of who we think the other people is, that fantasy is based on the other person being at their best in photos, messages and emails. No one is that perfect. He wasn't your soulmate because the relationship was built on fantasy.
The other person doesn't want to hear about issues, sickness or weight gain because it will ruin their fantasy, hell we don't tell them because we don't want to ruin the fantasy either. So the omissions start and probably some fibs and people start to hide who they really are. They start to omit pertinent facts.
Come the meeting, comes big expectations! Fantasy comes crashing down in a screaming heap. The other person is real, warts and all, and they then blame the other person for the loss of the fantasy.
I can understand not being attracted to a bigger person that someone has just met, we are visual creatures and there hasn't been time to develop a relationship.
I would say, that here it was more than just the weight gain, it was also the fact that the person felt deceived because they were expected a slimmer person based on photos that had previously been received. With all that comes reality, the crushing of a fantasy that he had built up in his head.
OP lose the weight if you want to, but do it for you and your own health's sake, move on from him, meet other people, live your live to the best of your ability...and should you develop another long distance relationship...remember its just a fantasy until you meet and have known each other for quite a few months.
I could not disagree with this more. I don't see how online leads to a fantasy anymore than offline. It's already been a cliche forever... people meet offline (bar, club, work, wherever)... put on an act for each other... form false images in their minds about the other... fall in love with those false images/acts... get married and/or move in together... and then months, years, sometimes decades later realize the person "isn't who I thought he/she was".
On the other hand an argument could be made that when 2 people meet online there is less pressure and more of a perceived safety at home behind the keyboard, making it easier for them to truly open up to someone, to really show their true selves, knowing they can simply click away, press delete, etc, if it doesn't work out and never have to deal with that person again.
I think there actually is a possibility (remains to be seen) that someday statistics will show that relationships that start online will be more successful and have a lower divorce rate than those that start offline, we'll see eventually, but it really wouldn't surprise me. I do think eHarmony actually claims that, or something along those lines, already.0 -
-0
-
My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."
Uh ... congratulations?0 -
So many other factors at play here and not just the weight.
When people people online nothing, absolutely nothing, is real until the two people have met. Until people meet the relationship is built on a fantasy of who we think the other people is, that fantasy is based on the other person being at their best in photos, messages and emails. No one is that perfect. He wasn't your soulmate because the relationship was built on fantasy.
The other person doesn't want to hear about issues, sickness or weight gain because it will ruin their fantasy, hell we don't tell them because we don't want to ruin the fantasy either. So the omissions start and probably some fibs and people start to hide who they really are. They start to omit pertinent facts.
Come the meeting, comes big expectations! Fantasy comes crashing down in a screaming heap. The other person is real, warts and all, and they then blame the other person for the loss of the fantasy.
I can understand not being attracted to a bigger person that someone has just met, we are visual creatures and there hasn't been time to develop a relationship.
I would say, that here it was more than just the weight gain, it was also the fact that the person felt deceived because they were expected a slimmer person based on photos that had previously been received. With all that comes reality, the crushing of a fantasy that he had built up in his head.
OP lose the weight if you want to, but do it for you and your own health's sake, move on from him, meet other people, live your live to the best of your ability...and should you develop another long distance relationship...remember its just a fantasy until you meet and have known each other for quite a few months.
Seriously, this. This is so true. I've been talking to a guy online- just friends, online dating is too weird for me- but I've recently just realized he's always presuming things about me, telling me I've said things that I actually haven't, assigning me traits or complimenting me on things no one else who knows me in person ever has. Suddenly I feel like I'm a total fantasy creation. A completely made up person in his head and he's just using my image. In my experience, this online fantasy thing is 100% a real thing.
But even if you two had met in person: all of this over 40 lbs? Seriously? There's got to be something deeper going on with this guy. He tried to lie to you once- who says that wasn't a cover up as well? And then to shift whatever he's feeling onto you? Um, can I just remind you there are 7 billion other people in the world?! Someone's got to be more accepting and kinder than him.0 -
My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."
Uh ... congratulations?
LOL! I am pretty sure that post you have quoted is a joke intended to make a point.0 -
Seriously, this. This is so true. I've been talking to a guy online- just friends, online dating is too weird for me- but I've recently just realized he's always presuming things about me, telling me I've said things that I actually haven't, assigning me traits or complimenting me on things no one else who knows me in person ever has. Suddenly I feel like I'm a total fantasy creation. A completely made up person in his head and he's just using my image. In my experience, this online fantasy thing is 100% a real thing.
I think both in person and online, you run the risk of having someone assign you to a specific role in their fantasy. Those first few dates in person, we're on our best behavior and we spend 2 hours in the mirror trying to look perfect, so there's a bit of smoke and mirrors (kind of) to the face to face thing.
I met my last boyfriend online and we were extremely happy and deeply in love. We lived nearby so even though we started 'online' we transitioned seamlessly into 'offline'. We're exes now, but because not because it wasn't a good relationship, but because life circumstances changed and it was no longer a good match at the time, so we mutually split and remain very good friends with a possibility of maybe one day being right for each other again. On the flip side, I've also been in a relationship that started face to face but then slowly found myself learning things about him that I didn't like.
I think it just boils down to there are billions of people in the world, you're going to run into some good ones, and you're going to run into some bad ones. It's unfair to label any one type of relationship more 'real' or better than others. If it makes you happy, and the other person is happy, awesome.0 -
If he TRULY loved you he would accept you no matter your size. If you are too big for him then that's his problem he's missing out on an awesome person. You can't force someone to love you and you should never have to change yourself in order to get love from someone.0
-
He lied when he said he'd love you unconditionally. If that's the case, then if in the future you gain weight say from pregnancy, wouldn't you expect the same response as you've just experienced? And really is that worth it?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Sorry it happened, but a couple things I would recommend . . . don't rely on pictures for online dating.
Skype. See the person as they are and let them see you as you are. Skype often, not just when you just got your hair done and your make-up is perfect.
Second this is something you can't help and it's chemistry. A person's being, scent, and your sense of them when they're in the room or next to you, it can't be duplicated online. A kiss is a major way to tell if you can feel that special feeling for someone or not. At least that's how it works for me.
I 100% believe you can meet people online and have wonderful, successful relationships. Family, friends, and co-workers of mine have done just that. But, you have to meet to know if you can click. And you have to be prepared that, no matter how close you feel to someone, until you meet, you just don't know for sure if it's going to work out.
I know I'm cynical but in situations like that I'd hope but never count on it working out. It's great if it does. It hurts a lot when relationships don't work out, but you can't force someone to feel a spark that isn't there.
I've had it happen to me and I've had it happen on my end. He probably is NOT happy about it. He didn't want to hurt you.
I sure felt like a heel when I was the one who couldn't reciprocate feelings for a really great person. I wanted to feel 'the feeling' for them so badly. Super nice guy, treated me great, really, truly cared, but I couldn't be deeply attracted. I just couldn't. That's not my fault; it's my bio-chemical reaction (or lack thereof) to that person. It wasn't because they were fat or skinny or anything else, it just ~was~ and that's all there was to it.
40 lbs shouldn't be a deal breaker unless you advertised yourself as slim, trim, and athletic or only sent fit, non-recent pictures. Something didn't jive and that's the only excuse you have for it, so you fixated on it.
Anyway, I'm sorry you got hurt.
But, work on your health for you, not him. 0 -
I know it hurts because it was real to you.
In situations like these where you don't know the person on a face to face level, you start filling in the blanks usually with your preference. I don't doubt you can create relationships online and he probably does care about you and love you to a degree but it is really a gamble to whether it works or not when you finally meet.0 -
I don't think he's a jerk or an A-hole. He drove 4 hours to see you. He invested a lot of time in an online relationship with you. He has a right to be attracted to what he's attracted to. That hurts and is unpleasant to hear, but it's his truth. He's not required to be attracted to you if he's not feeling it.
People don't love unconditionally. They just don't. We all have conditions on our love..we want our mate/significant other to bathe, brush their teeth, be appropriately dressed, etc. If your spouse didn't bathe for weeks and stopped brushing their teeth would you still be attracted to them? I'd seriously doubt it.
Soulmates are overrated and something romance novels sell us. Relationships are work. You never instantly have the perfect relationship with anyone. There are so many people we could be attracted to and have a good relationship with. Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition.. You found one possible person with whom you could be compatible. There are others out there. You just have to find someone else with whom you have a connection.
I also wonder (gently) why you couldn't be honest with him about the weight gain. If your relationship was that strong and so deep surely you could have said something once or better yet many times BEFORE you met. It seems odd that you'd hide this from someone you call your soulmate.
Lose the weight for yourself. Always for yourself. Never for anyone else.0 -
If a person cannot fully accept you due to you being "too big", they are most definitely not your "soulmate". They are your "weightmate" at best. As painful as it is in the present, you would be doing yourself a favor in the future by writing him off.0
-
My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."
Uh ... congratulations?
LOL! I am pretty sure that post you have quoted is a joke intended to make a point.
i wouldn't be so sure about that. check out her previous posts.0 -
Some people *talk* a good game...
Seriously, use this experience to learn from.. I know it's not easy. But in the long run, it's better you found out NOW than when you fully vested and together.0 -
This.This really sucks, but honestly? You dodged a bullet.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 426 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions