rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight
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Ever thought that it's not you, and he's married/ relationship?
Or how can you not know your weight? 40 pounds is not that much difference especially If you were already heavy?
Something's not adding up..be grateful you don't have any ties walk away0 -
This.This really sucks, but honestly? You dodged a bullet.
+2
Online dating can work; my bf and I are testament to that. But it's a good idea to meet as soon as possible because talking online or by phone, even with video chat, is just not the same. You cannot get a true sense of chemistry without meeting in person, and it's better to know ASAP -- before you've wasted a lot of time and invested a lot of emotion -- whether you're really compatible.
I don't want to demonize the young man. If the chemistry wasn't there for him, regardless of the reason, then at least he had the guts to say so instead of dragging things out. And it sounds like he really put some thought into it and struggled with his feelings before he made that decision. It just sucks that the two of you let things go as far as you did before you met, and hopefully that won't be a scenario you repeat.
Meanwhile, you are not a drive-thru window. Nobody can place an order and have you their way...if they require you to change in order to be with them, then they clearly don't deserve you. Try to stop thinking of relationships as something that you have to earn by changing or being less than yourself. That's not a real relationship. In a real relationship, the man will be just as eager to impress and please you as you are with him...or even more so. He'll work to earn your affection, even as you're working to earn his. If you're not on the same page, and he's not just as obviously smitten as you are, then you're probably better off cutting your losses and moving on.0 -
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Its not his fault he isn't attracted to you. Its not a decision we get to make.
But still...to hell with him. Find someone who's really into you.
Yeah. This. Sorry.0 -
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can't say I've had all that happen to me before, but I have def. been there in terms of feelings for someone met online. It doesn't matter if he is an *kitten* not an *kitten*, whatever it is, because the hurt feelings and the way YOU feel isn't something you can change. So it hurts, even if someone doesn't deserve it, you can't help feel how you do and I know that can hurt SO MUCH.
So in short I mean, regardless of the circumstances, I'm sorry your are hurting, the pain hurts just as much regardless of fault, reasons, situations. Hurt is hurt.
So, sorry. I hope you can get through it.0 -
hi everyone
i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".
so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.
i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.
Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.
I had a relationship that started on line. i moved 1000 miles to be with the guy. Never again.
What you don't know about the other person you sort of 'fill in' in your mind, and you fill it in as normal, or like you. It never occurs to you that it is going to be anything else. So there is an enormous base layer of assumption.
The reality hits only when you meet physically. There's a huge fill in the gaps bit.
I think also that a woman, being less focused on physical issues, is capable of gaining more emotional bonding without the physical. I don't think these men bond. they just spout the isms that you want to hear, and it's so easy for them to do this - and they they keep you on a rope until they decide to choose you, or not.
You are lucky, if you knew it. you haven't blown your life's savings going to live with some jerk who bullied you. Someone who was going to die without you but is now miraculously still alive...
your heartbreak is real. it's very cruel. I've been there, my heart broken, unable to afford to pay to get my things home, stuck in a hell job for over a year till I could get home again.
ultimately you have to ask yourself if you are worth something, the answer being 'yes' by the way, and then say 'he didn't see it, he didn't want it, he is what he is' and let go and move on. Very painful. I am not 100% convinced that I will ever go near a man ever again, I think they are all fundamentally selfish big steaming piles of ****.0 -
Now that's just sad.
I'm so sorry that your heart hurts. But it's so much better to find out these things right away instead of later on.0 -
I'd think twice about someone that left in the middle of the night to drive four hours home. Sounds like he had someone waiting for/expecting him.
That said, I am sorry you were hurt. :frown:
I sometimes watch the show "Catfish" and reading these posts have me thinking...maybe he met because he wanted to see which was the better deal...this person or someone at "home" or elsewhere.
If they've never seen each other how does she know if it was him for sure and not someone stepping in for him to "check her out" to give the thumbs up or down sign?
Was he "perfect"...weight, complexion, good breath, great teeth, built/toned body...unless he was a mannequin, probably not!
People will say the most off the wall things when they want a way out..."it's not you, its me" :noway:
I'm sure we've all have heard or been given a line sometime or another in our lives, unfortunately its an easy slimy way out.
Better yourself for You because that will make You happy.
You probably know the best revenge is to look & feel better for yourself and for him to know he gets NONE of that!0 -
I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.
A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.
+1 - Aim to meet earlier next time.0 -
He sounds like an *kitten*. I'm sorry, I know that's a judgment, but really - he couldn't even hang around for the evening? Over 40 pounds? What on earth is that kind of a person going to be like in an actual, human, messy, difficult everyday relationship? They sound like the person who would scram over the slightest difference from their expectation. Frankly, you're well rid of him.0
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My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."
Oh hunny no.... Really?0 -
Ditch and move on - you are free and ready to for next . He does not deserve you0
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" reading bwtween the lines", a. Good dose of common sense and being " level headed" makes you make wise choices.0
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He sounds like an *kitten*. I'm sorry, I know that's a judgment, but really - he couldn't even hang around for the evening? Over 40 pounds? What on earth is that kind of a person going to be like in an actual, human, messy, difficult everyday relationship? They sound like the person who would scram over the slightest difference from their expectation. Frankly, you're well rid of him.
thank you for your words of encouragement. i understand that, there are a lot of factors at play. its difficult to feel like anything could get better and waking up everyday with the cold, stark realization that it was all just a scam. i feel betrayed and played, he constantly promised and assured me that he would be with me through all the bad and good. now it's just an emptiness. i know he doesn't have anyone at home, i know he was honest in his feelings. but meeting me really skewed his perception, i know it did and i feel like maybe he feels deceived or betrayed. it's hard for either one of us to communicate emotions or put ourselves out there. i know he is capable of serious relationships. i just don't know if he is capable of actually loving someone on a deeper level and realistic level. it's sad and im finding it so difficult to move on, i just can't believe it went from 100 to 0 within hours. i feel like i fell from a cliff and survived, but left broken and he doesn't seem to care about how i feel anymore.0 -
I think it was Maya Angelou who said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
I will add my own corollary, which is that if a guy says anything to the effect that they don't deserve you, aren't good enough for you , or that you shouldn't be with them, they are telling you the absolute truth and you should let them go.0 -
He sounds like an *kitten*. I'm sorry, I know that's a judgment, but really - he couldn't even hang around for the evening? Over 40 pounds? What on earth is that kind of a person going to be like in an actual, human, messy, difficult everyday relationship? They sound like the person who would scram over the slightest difference from their expectation. Frankly, you're well rid of him.
thank you for your words of encouragement. i understand that, there are a lot of factors at play. its difficult to feel like anything could get better and waking up everyday with the cold, stark realization that it was all just a scam. i feel betrayed and played, he constantly promised and assured me that he would be with me through all the bad and good. now it's just an emptiness. i know he doesn't have anyone at home, i know he was honest in his feelings. but meeting me really skewed his perception, i know it did and i feel like maybe he feels deceived or betrayed. it's hard for either one of us to communicate emotions or put ourselves out there. i know he is capable of serious relationships. i just don't know if he is capable of actually loving someone on a deeper level and realistic level. it's sad and im finding it so difficult to move on, i just can't believe it went from 100 to 0 within hours. i feel like i fell from a cliff and survived, but left broken and he doesn't seem to care about how i feel anymore.
You'll make it through. After all, you chose to reach out and talk about it instead of retreating into those difficult feelings - that's brave, it shows a fighting spirit.
The fact that he couldn't even behave like a good friend should have shows that he's better out of your life than in it. I know it sounds harsh, but it's better to find out now that later, as others have pointed out. Someone that easy to shake, that easy to scram, would not be able to cope with the resilience needed for a real life with another person, the kind of love, patience and decency people need to take of each other, especially for family.0 -
He was not your soul mate if he was he wouldn't be such a prat
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This guy is so many shades of *kitten*. The fact you are saying you will change for him to make him happy, is gross. Do it for you. Hes going to run anyways, looks like he is on his way out. you are seeing his true colors.Get back to your life, lose weight and be happy that you missed out on a total mess. Everything happens for a reason,0
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Oh Sweetie, file this with all of your other life lessons. We hurt sometimes and then we're joyous.
I met my sweet husband online and while I was dating before meeting him I made certain to get to the meeting in real life as quickly as possible. Because of what many others have said so smartly here on this thread!
There is no way to know if a connection, on either part, is real until you are in the presence of that person and look into their eyes and everything else that comes along with it. Chemistry is a wondrous thing! It's also uncontrollable.
You've had a blow, but now you can open your heart to a new experience. Hugs to you.0 -
I'm sure this kind of thing probably makes a great story line for "Dawson's Creek" or teen drama but in the real world it seems, well, a bit childish.
You weren't in love with each other or were not soul mates clearly. You loved the idea of each other rather than the reality. He wasn't physically attracted to you. All that really happened here is it took longer to find out than if you had met in real life from the off. You had created a reality in your mind that simply did not exist.
I know it probably sucks and it hurts but really it's not the end of the world. Decide what you want to do with your weight and do it.
There are plenty more amazing men out there which you can get to know when you are ready to do so.0 -
He sounds like an *kitten*. I'm sorry, I know that's a judgment, but really - he couldn't even hang around for the evening? Over 40 pounds? What on earth is that kind of a person going to be like in an actual, human, messy, difficult everyday relationship? They sound like the person who would scram over the slightest difference from their expectation. Frankly, you're well rid of him.
thank you for your words of encouragement. i understand that, there are a lot of factors at play. its difficult to feel like anything could get better and waking up everyday with the cold, stark realization that it was all just a scam. i feel betrayed and played, he constantly promised and assured me that he would be with me through all the bad and good. now it's just an emptiness. i know he doesn't have anyone at home, i know he was honest in his feelings. but meeting me really skewed his perception, i know it did and i feel like maybe he feels deceived or betrayed. it's hard for either one of us to communicate emotions or put ourselves out there. i know he is capable of serious relationships. i just don't know if he is capable of actually loving someone on a deeper level and realistic level. it's sad and im finding it so difficult to move on, i just can't believe it went from 100 to 0 within hours. i feel like i fell from a cliff and survived, but left broken and he doesn't seem to care about how i feel anymore.
You'll make it through. After all, you chose to reach out and talk about it instead of retreating into those difficult feelings - that's brave, it shows a fighting spirit.
The fact that he couldn't even behave like a good friend should have shows that he's better out of your life than in it. I know it sounds harsh, but it's better to find out now that later, as others have pointed out. Someone that easy to shake, that easy to scram, would not be able to cope with the resilience needed for a real life with another person, the kind of love, patience and decency people need to take of each other, especially for family.
thanks for the support, every word on here is helping. the fact that so many are echoing the same thing kind of scares me, because i still don't see reality. i feel sick on the inside and disgusted. not just with myself, but with the idea that i feel so hard for something so fantastical. yet it turned out to be nothing, so fast as well. he still is saying he cares about me which is confusing to me.0 -
I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.
A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.
This sadly. I've met a lot of people online, and it's really different once you meet... the exact same thing happened to a friend of mine a few years ago (although weight had nothing to do with it). He's happy and married now... with someone else.0 -
He does not deserve you. Move on.0
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So many other factors at play here and not just the weight.
When people people online nothing, absolutely nothing, is real until the two people have met. Until people meet the relationship is built on a fantasy of who we think the other people is, that fantasy is based on the other person being at their best in photos, messages and emails. No one is that perfect. He wasn't your soulmate because the relationship was built on fantasy.
The other person doesn't want to hear about issues, sickness or weight gain because it will ruin their fantasy, hell we don't tell them because we don't want to ruin the fantasy either. So the omissions start and probably some fibs and people start to hide who they really are. They start to omit pertinent facts.
Come the meeting, comes big expectations! Fantasy comes crashing down in a screaming heap. The other person is real, warts and all, and they then blame the other person for the loss of the fantasy.
I can understand not being attracted to a bigger person that someone has just met, we are visual creatures and there hasn't been time to develop a relationship.
I would say, that here it was more than just the weight gain, it was also the fact that the person felt deceived because they were expected a slimmer person based on photos that had previously been received. With all that comes reality, the crushing of a fantasy that he had built up in his head.
OP lose the weight if you want to, but do it for you and your own health's sake, move on from him, meet other people, live your live to the best of your ability...and should you develop another long distance relationship...remember its just a fantasy until you meet and have known each other for quite a few months.
have to agree with this... and everyone is beating up on this guy.. while he didn't handle this 100% right, I don't think he's quite the only one at fault here..
Did you tell him that you left the "totally fit, yoga, confident person" that he started with ? did you let him in on the personal problems, and weight gain? (think full disclosure here)
I think that this might have been sprung on him and it was a "in your face" kind of moment which may have left him feeling "catfished" to a point. YOu may have built this relationship up WAY too much in your mind (e.g soulmate) from what he was thinking and saw this overly clingy, emotional, person.. I don't think demonizing this guy is all together fair either (although he maybe a complete asshat, we have no idea on this)
again, just guessing here, and both of you could have handled that better and truely sorry that you are feeling such pain over this, everyone deserves to be happy, and you will eventually.. just go in with both eyes open next time.0 -
Lots of different views but here's mine, somewhere in the middle....
First I'm so sorry your hurting and no matter how many ways you dissect it it will still hurt, and hurt for a while. It will get better though and you will be happy again but don't let it depend on him!
Secondly I kinda agree with others that he isn't an *kitten* for not liking you. There are people everyday who look and sound good on paper but in reality it just doesn't fit. I don't think he was running home to someone else but he felt bad and the situation was just very awkward. I have to ask had the roles been reversed and you felt no attraction and he was bawling his eyes would you have stayed the night? It doesn't make you mean if you wouldn't, just like it doesn't because he didn't, it's just I think the awarkwardness of the whole situation made him leave....
I met my now ex online and we talked for a year and half before we met and the first time was weird. I was a little heavier than I let on and so was he and also shorter than he said, I freaked when he got out of his truck and we could see eye to eye. Anyway the visits was "ok" compared to the year and half we spent talking everyday all day. Nerves or disappointments I don't know but I wasn't into him and I don't think he was me BUT he came back a month later and it was way less awkward and we had a good visit. Another month and I had my parents take me half way to meet him and he took me "home" so to speak and I meet his family etc. We stayed together for almost 3 years.
This brings to my thirdly. I had a stressful job and being I a long distance relationship wore on me. I gained more weight and the more weight I gained the more my self confinedce went down the drain. With that I began to reject him slowly and when he ended things around this time last year he said he didn't feel the same as me anymore. There were a lot of things in play at the time but here's my point.... You said you felt off about meeting him and I wonder if it's because your self confidiance was lacking and you sent out some mixed singles of your own? I'm not blaming you at all! But as I realized with my ex the way I felt about myself and constant rejection, physically and emotionally, pushed him away.... Just a thought. Because to be honest it's not something we really try to do or even realize we did until after the fact.
Now, do you what makes you happy and feel better about yourself but don't do it to win him back. It may very well be as others said and he's just an *kitten* but it's your gut instinct that will let you know that. We can only guess from what we know from the post. As you said if someone's meant to be there they will come back. If he's not meant to be then there will be someone else. So for now just work on you and get back to where you felt happy and be the best you you can be!:flowerforyou:0 -
hi everyone
i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".
so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.
i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.
Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.
Never depend on happiness from someone else's approval. That needs to come from within. A little dose of detachment also helps. Doesn't mean you don't feel, just means that person and what they feel is not your whole life. This, too, shall pass. Now, wipe those tears, hit the gym and show that d-bag who's boss.0 -
How old are you? I feel like I've been through a similar experience back in 2002 when I was 22 years old. Back then, the internet chat rooms were abuzz. Anyways, it turned out for the better that the guy was a total (d*ck head, bast*rd, etc etc) because he turned out to the worst thing that would have ever happened to me. Things always happen for a good reason. Don't be upset. Let this be a good lesson. Move on wards and upwards in your life. You'll soon meet (by chance, or not) the person of your dreams.
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Sounds like an episode of Catfish..0
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To be completely honest, I don't think this happened because of your weight or appereance. Love hurts and this doesn't only apply to online relationships. It's not always easy, and dealing with reject is something we never fully learn.
First of all I'd like to say that even though we meet some people that might look like they're perfect for us, sometimes that's not true. Just because we get attatched to them and feel great with them it doesn't mean we're made for each other or stuff like that. I'm kind of fatalist about that, if something is meant to work, it will work, if it doesn't, maybe it wasn't meant to work all along.
I'm starting to wonder if you have been both honest towards each other during the whole relationship - didn't he know about your illness, about your weight gain, and what about your appereance? I met my boyfriend online too. We're been as honest as possible since the very beginning, and before meeting we already knew each other's issues, we had seen each others in pictures, and stuff like that. It obviously could have turned bad, but luckily it didn't. There are so many different possibilities in life and I'd say that you've been somewhat unlucky since it didn't work for you, but it's not your fault. Weight is something that comes and goes. And same goes for appereance, your and his appereances will change multiple times during the next years. Maybe if it didn't work it's because he didn't feel that "connected" to you in person or something. So I wouldn't blame it on yourself.0 -
I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.
A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.
This sadly. I've met a lot of people online, and it's really different once you meet... the exact same thing happened to a friend of mine a few years ago (although weight had nothing to do with it). He's happy and married now... with someone else.
^^ TRUTH0
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