rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight

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Replies

  • spoonful
    spoonful Posts: 200 Member
    A relationship is for the good times and the bad. If he cannot be next to you while you recover from your ailment then you are better off without him.
  • Just_Sha
    Just_Sha Posts: 61 Member
    Stop blaming yourself.. There is nothing you could have done differently. He most likely was looking for a way out.

    Pick up the pieces and move on.
  • DebbieLyn63
    DebbieLyn63 Posts: 2,654 Member
    40 pounds isn't THAT much weight. I gained almost 100 pounds when I first started dating my boyfriend and he still finds me attractive. Obviously that's kind of an excessive amount but you see what I'm saying.

    Consider this. Let's say you lose the weight and he "loves" you again. Great! What happens if you get married and something happens and you gain the weight again?

    thank you, that is a great consideration for me to think about. i can't see past the "i will do anything to improve for him" light right now, even if it includes remaining obsessive if we ever married. im the kind of person that will do anything for my loved one, especially when the love is this deep. the problem was the underlying medical condition that caused me to gain. and he seemed to understand that, he even researched it! i'm confused and wondering if it's so repulsive that he had to run away, to get away from me. i would have loved him in any form, it's the biggest pain to know he doesn't and that his promises are void.

    The bolded parts of your post above are the most concerning here. It sounds like you have some deep seeded emotional issues when it comes to relationships. This has NOTHING to do with your weight. Becoming obsessed over a relationship like this, especially an ONLINE relationship before you had even met, is very unhealthy. You are a perfect opportunity for a controlling, abusive, or addict to take advantage of you. Look into codependent relationships and see if you fit the profile. Before you enter into ANY relationship, I would strongly suggest speaking to a counselor about these issues. Fixing those issues now will save you years of heartache and potentially physical and legal disaster as well.

    As for the current online relationship- It sounds like you were way more invested in this than he was. Sorry for the reality check, but there is no future there. Cut your losses, move on, and get some counseling.:flowerforyou:
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    He isn't your soulmate- you can't be soulmates with someone you've never met face to face.

    dust yourself off- lick your wounds- let your pride heal and move on.
  • DebbieLyn63
    DebbieLyn63 Posts: 2,654 Member
    I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.

    I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.

    Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.

    FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.

    Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.

    This is so incredibly mean!

    You shouldn't be bragging about your relationship to someone going through a break-up. You're rubbing it in her face, putting salt on a wound.

    There's nothing she's written to indicate she needs any mental help. In fact, it's 2014, I bet most of us here on MFP have gotten really excited to meet someone they have chatted with online only to be terribly disappointed.

    I think you need a mental help professional, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, not to be mean. Please don't take that the wrong way. I truly think bragging about your relationship to someone reaching out after a loss is indicative of psychological issues.

    There was nothing mean or wrong about the previous poster's advice. It was spot on. The poster was not bragging about her relationship. I read it as agreeing that you CAN find true love online, but it takes time and you have to be careful. Telling her that SHE needs professional help, was over the top.
    Becoming this obsessed over an online relationship, past high school, is not normal.
  • cookiealbright
    cookiealbright Posts: 605 Member
    I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You are going though a bad time. If it were me, I would elimate him from the problems in my life. Relationships are hard enough when You are Whole. You need to take care of yourself first then see what happens, but if he is not supportive in helping you. You have to let it go - for now. Good luck to ya! :flowerforyou:
  • wifeymou1112
    wifeymou1112 Posts: 129 Member
    I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.

    A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.

    This^^^
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
    You can't fall in love with someone you have never met.

    Don't ever forget this. You will be fine. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on. :flowerforyou:
  • happymomma454
    happymomma454 Posts: 125
    He's my best friend.

    Prior to this, I was married to my first husband who was a selfish individual. I ended up with him during a period where I did not love and respect myself as much as I should. I "settled" because it seemed he was the best I could do.

    I fixed me - then the right relationship was able to happen. Fix you - if you obsess over pleasing your partner etc. as you've posted in this thread, that is not the signs of an emotionally healthy human being. I do things all the time to make my husband happy - not out of obsessing he'll stop loving me - but because he loves and respects me so much that it comes natural and makes me happy to see him happy.

    Exactly! And congratulations!
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
    I'm wondering if maybe his problem with your weight has more to do with you hiding it from him than the actual weight itself. He may have been thinking that if you hid the weight gain and medical problems from him that you could be hiding a lot more from him as well.

    Take some time for yourself to heal and know that there is someone out there for you that will love you regardless of what is on the outside. And take the time to learn to love yourself more.
  • BobOki
    BobOki Posts: 245 Member
    Hate to be the realist that comes to the party, but sometimes harsh is what is needed to be heard. Look at my past posts, I am not some pig so when I say this, it is frm the perspective of time to come back to reality people.

    #1. 40 lbs is a ton of weight on a LOT of people. I can see a huge difference on me with only 10lbs.
    #2. Anyone who thinks love is unconditional or only mental is fooling themselves. It does not matter if you are head over heel in love with someone's attitude, etcetc mental them, but be horrified by the physical. Some people can look past that, but most have more self-respect than to just settle with "2nd best". They found love once, they can again, not everyone is in a hurry.
    #3. If you knew your weight was a problem, it probably should not have hurt you as much, and you certainly should not made a huge deal out of it like you did. Thee was no good way for this situation to go down, but I am quite sure you made it as terrible as it could have gone. Waterworks, guilt tripping the guy, pretty sure you ran him off too.

    What to do... here's the hard part. You do not seem to be happy with yourself on more than one level, and it's not just weight. You need to get some counseling bad. America has a HUGE stigma against this, and thats one reason we have SO many messed up people. Shrinks and the like are there to HELP YOU get over or past, or at least t cope with issues like this. You have other health issues on top of this, and they probably contribute to these mental issues. 40 lbs in a few months is serious lbs, I cannot image that happened by a non-depressed or eating disorder person? Perhaps even thyroid.

    So the flat unfeeling what to do:
    #1. Seek counseling, get back right with YOU.
    #2. Seek doctor, get your health straightened out.
    #3. Hit that gym again, get your confidence back.
    #4. Get back on the horse, even if that means trying again with this current guy, through all his issues.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    40 pounds isn't THAT much weight. I gained almost 100 pounds when I first started dating my boyfriend and he still finds me attractive. Obviously that's kind of an excessive amount but you see what I'm saying.

    Consider this. Let's say you lose the weight and he "loves" you again. Great! What happens if you get married and something happens and you gain the weight again?

    thank you, that is a great consideration for me to think about. i can't see past the "i will do anything to improve for him" light right now, even if it includes remaining obsessive if we ever married. im the kind of person that will do anything for my loved one, especially when the love is this deep. the problem was the underlying medical condition that caused me to gain. and he seemed to understand that, he even researched it! i'm confused and wondering if it's so repulsive that he had to run away, to get away from me. i would have loved him in any form, it's the biggest pain to know he doesn't and that his promises are void.

    Look... I totally understand where you are coming from. I would do anything for someone that I love. But here is the important part... is he deserving of your love? If you think that he is, why do you feel that way?

    I mean, after all... he promised you unconditional love and then didn't deliver. By the same token, his expectations were not fulfilled by you either. That isn't your fault... and it's not really his. This relationship just simply wasn't meant to be.

    If you want to make changes, then you need to do it for yourself. Not for him because he hasn't proven himself worthy of that kind of love from you.
  • gypsyGIRL159
    gypsyGIRL159 Posts: 78 Member
    We must always guard our hearts..... I've had something similar happen to me...... So I TRULY FEEL YOU, AND UNDERSTAND! I am so sure NOW that I am strong enough to love again. First, I had to LOVE MYSELF unconditionally. This person doesn't deserve you.... and you deserve BETTER! :flowerforyou:

    EXHALE!!!! Release him from your heart..... forgive him for being shallow. LET IT ALL JUST GO.... Time heals all..... God will help you be strong and rise above it!

    Love is a sweet SWEET THANG! It will come.... and you must embrace it WHEN it comes... but still GUARD YOUR HEART.

    We often say the LOVE word too quickly..... I've done it too...

    We can heal..... and love again..... but be ready b/c the TEST will come again.

    YOU WILL INDEED LOVE AGAIN. AGAPE LOVE IS ONE THE WAY.:happy:

    (((HUGGZZ)))
  • mummma
    mummma Posts: 402 Member
    Your value doesn't decrease based on someone else's inability to see your worth x
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Your value doesn't decrease based on someone else's inability to see your worth x

    QFT!!
  • AllyBooMommyof2
    AllyBooMommyof2 Posts: 171
    he wasn't your soulmate. You're soulmate would find you attractive at almost any size.

    In any case, stop talking to him because he's an *kitten*, lose the weight and become happy with YOURSELF, then go out into the real world and meet someone.



    I agree...A+Hole...Move on ... that was not an u nconditional love or even someone who could be with you "for better or or worse"

    Yep. You deserve better.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.

    I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.

    Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.

    FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.

    Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.

    This is so incredibly mean!

    You shouldn't be bragging about your relationship to someone going through a break-up. You're rubbing it in her face, putting salt on a wound.

    There's nothing she's written to indicate she needs any mental help. In fact, it's 2014, I bet most of us here on MFP have gotten really excited to meet someone they have chatted with online only to be terribly disappointed.

    I think you need a mental help professional, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, not to be mean. Please don't take that the wrong way. I truly think bragging about your relationship to someone reaching out after a loss is indicative of psychological issues.

    :huh:

    Telling somebody, based on a very sad post that points to low self worth, that they need to seek help and going out of your way to say "I am not saying this lightly or as a joke" is mean? Pointing out that you don't have a negative view of online relationships because your marriage started as one is "bragging".

    Wow, just wow.
  • beckytcy
    beckytcy Posts: 135 Member
    I am very sorry to hear that you experienced this. Someone rejecting you because of your weight is extremely hurtful. I know it has happened to me in the past when I was 35 pounds heavier than I am now. To echo what others have said, if you want to lose weight, you have to do it for yourself, not for some guy. However romantic it sounds, there is no such thing as a soulmate. I am confident that you will find a new guy soon after you process this loss and work to rebuild your self esteem. Maybe this guy is a jerk and maybe he isn't but that's irrelevant. People (men and women) reject potential mates because of their weight. It's a fact of life. I used this knowledge to motivate me when I witnessed an overweight friend marry a long term on-again off-again boyfriend who had dumped her because of her weight on multiple occasions. While I know I'll never be a super model and some guys (e.g. tom Brady) will forever be out of my league, I wanted to at least put myself into contention to be able to attract a high caliber man. So yes, this can be a useful wakeup call for you. Try to just move past it and work on yourself for awhile. Other men will come along soon.
  • weird_me2
    weird_me2 Posts: 716 Member
    I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.

    I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.

    Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.

    FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.

    Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.

    This is so incredibly mean!

    You shouldn't be bragging about your relationship to someone going through a break-up. You're rubbing it in her face, putting salt on a wound.

    There's nothing she's written to indicate she needs any mental help. In fact, it's 2014, I bet most of us here on MFP have gotten really excited to meet someone they have chatted with online only to be terribly disappointed.

    I think you need a mental help professional, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, not to be mean. Please don't take that the wrong way. I truly think bragging about your relationship to someone reaching out after a loss is indicative of psychological issues.

    There was nothing mean in the original quoted post at all. I agree with that poster. Reading what the OP wrote, it seems that she's not in a good place mentally right now and it would probably benefit her to speak with a professional. At the very least, OP needs to work on her mental self before worrying about her physical self or finding a mate. I understand where OP is coming from as I have been there and done that and never found any success at finding love until I was in a good place mentally. It's just not really healthy to get so emotionally attached to someone who's not real - and anyone you meet online is not real until you've spent time with them in person. I met my DH through online dating (and we've been together for 10 years now), so I have nothing against meeting your mate online, but when I was being emotionally mature about it, I recognized that forming attachments to an online personality was not healthy. We put our best foots forward when we are talking online and you almost never see a persons true self online.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.

    I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.

    Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.

    FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.

    Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.

    This is so incredibly mean!

    You shouldn't be bragging about your relationship to someone going through a break-up. You're rubbing it in her face, putting salt on a wound.

    There's nothing she's written to indicate she needs any mental help. In fact, it's 2014, I bet most of us here on MFP have gotten really excited to meet someone they have chatted with online only to be terribly disappointed.

    I think you need a mental help professional, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, not to be mean. Please don't take that the wrong way. I truly think bragging about your relationship to someone reaching out after a loss is indicative of psychological issues.

    There was nothing mean in the original quoted post at all. I agree with that poster. Reading what the OP wrote, it seems that she's not in a good place mentally right now and it would probably benefit her to speak with a professional. At the very least, OP needs to work on her mental self before worrying about her physical self or finding a mate. I understand where OP is coming from as I have been there and done that and never found any success at finding love until I was in a good place mentally. It's just not really healthy to get so emotionally attached to someone who's not real - and anyone you meet online is not real until you've spent time with them in person. I met my DH through online dating (and we've been together for 10 years now), so I have nothing against meeting your mate online, but when I was being emotionally mature about it, I recognized that forming attachments to an online personality was not healthy. We put our best foots forward when we are talking online and you almost never see a persons true self online.

    I agree. I didn't think the original post quoted above was mean at all. I agreed with her advice!
  • baba_helly
    baba_helly Posts: 810 Member
    I'm wondering if maybe his problem with your weight has more to do with you hiding it from him than the actual weight itself. He may have been thinking that if you hid the weight gain and medical problems from him that you could be hiding a lot more from him as well.

    Take some time for yourself to heal and know that there is someone out there for you that will love you regardless of what is on the outside. And take the time to learn to love yourself more.

    I was thinking something along these lines too. I am lucky enough to have a relationship that started online that is exactly the same if not better in person, but we are both honest with each other and don't try to be anyone other than ourselves. If I was in his shoes I would have felt shocked and duped. I would not have appreciated feeling as if I was being tricked into liking someone and essentially lied to for an extended period of time.

    I hope you feel better OP and I'm sorry you're hurting. Please take care of you, not for anyone else but because you deserve the best.
  • susanwair
    susanwair Posts: 78 Member
    Thank is NOT your soulmate.
    Learning to love yourself is what will attract a healthy relationship .....
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
    You have issues with your self esteem that you need to work on before trying to get into another relationship. Never cut yourself down, there are plenty of people that will do it for you.
    Set up an appointment with a good psychologist and go from there. You need to find out from where deep down inside that this is coming from.
  • CA_Underdog
    CA_Underdog Posts: 733 Member
    I witnessed an overweight friend marry a long term on-again off-again boyfriend who had dumped her because of her weight on multiple occasions. While I know I'll never be a super model and some guys (e.g. tom Brady) will forever be out of my league, I wanted to at least put myself into contention to be able to attract a high caliber man
    I've similarly observed my own dating prospects improve when my weight is down. I also lament Winona Ryder being forever out-of-my league, but there are plenty of high-caliber gals out there. :)

    (Although, I have a partner just now, and that's not what drives me to lose weight!)
  • moseler
    moseler Posts: 224 Member
    he wasn't your soulmate. You're soulmate would find you attractive at almost any size.

    In any case, stop talking to him because he's an *kitten*, lose the weight and become happy with YOURSELF, then go out into the real world and meet someone.

    Couldn't have said it better myself!!
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
    Everyone is upset when a relationship ends, even if it was an online relationship. No one needs to go seek therapy for that.

    If the upset doesn't pass in a few months, maybe then worry about whether professional help is needed.

    Life happens, ups, downs, good feels, sad feels, break-up feels, if you want to go running to a therapist every time something happens because you can't handle reality go ahead, but it's not normal or necessary.

    Being upset over a break up is NOT a mental illness!

    It's normal!

    If she needs any professional it's a professional mani-pedi and professional bartender at girls night out!

    But it sounds like she's headed in the right direction by going towards exercise.
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
    Also, there's no doubt in my mind that telling your relationship success story is intended to be a positive motivational thing, but trust me, as someone who's spent over 13 years single, it does not come across that way.

    Imagine if you had a puppy die and someone was trying to cheer you up by talking about their fun walk at the dog park and game of fetch with their puppy?

    No so much, eh?

    She's going through a time of loss... let's not describe in graphic detail what it is she is losing.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    Being upset over a break up is NOT a mental illness!

    no.
    but becoming so emotionally wrapped up and invested into someone you have NEVER met in person that it causes this kind of trauma- that's an issue and speaks so something else going on.

    Seeking therapy is not a bad thing- almost everyone should see a therapist at some point- it's incredibly useful and there is no shame in it what so ever.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    Everyone is upset when a relationship ends, even if it was an online relationship. No one needs to go seek therapy for that.

    If the upset doesn't pass in a few months, maybe then worry about whether professional help is needed.

    Life happens, ups, downs, good feels, sad feels, break-up feels, if you want to go running to a therapist every time something happens because you can't handle reality go ahead, but it's not normal or necessary.

    Being upset over a break up is NOT a mental illness!

    It's normal!

    If she needs any professional it's a professional mani-pedi and professional bartender at girls night out!

    But it sounds like she's headed in the right direction by going towards exercise.

    Are you suggesting that she drown her feelings in booze rather than seek professional help?
  • everythingworthy2468
    everythingworthy2468 Posts: 14
    Hello everyone
    Its me the op, I've been following this thread through out the day at work and its been helping me so much, all of your opinions, stories, advice and views. I can't even begin to express how grateful I feel that people are so supportive and understanding, this truly makes a difference in my perception of the situation.

    I believe that we are both to blame, and I do believe he felt duped and shocked. It is a strange situation because as soon as he came through the door. He embraced me and said he loved me and we kissed. That connection was there, temporarily. Over the night it started to fade for him and I felt like in the air, a change in energy. Needless to say he said I didn't look like my pictures and I didn't have the courage to say he didn't as well, granted he is attractive but even so. I am in shock over how quickly it went downhill. I made the error of contacting him and asking him to not tear this apart because he knew the deep me and our connection. I feel foolish and while yes, I am insecure, I do not think I am a hideous monster. To people asking me why I don't have my.photo, it has nothing to do with appearance, I prefer to be anonymous in this personal and hurtful matter. It is hard for me to open up without feeling embarrassed and sick to my stomach about what happened. I am still reeling, my feelings were pure. I think about if he showed up big and puffy, not like his pictures, how I'd react. I can be judgmental too, but considering what I felt, I would have given him a chance. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable out of the blue and run off. I am beginning to see reality here through these posts.

    I am recognizing that maybe I was delusional and living in a dreamland where I haven't come to terms about my weight gain. This is like a realty check, slap in the face. Maybe a wake up call, like oh wow, you are unattractive right now and you tricked yourself and him into thinking you were the old, great you. I know how that sounds, people will think I am beating myself up. I think its understandable at this point. After such a hurtful rejection.

    The worst is coming to terms that he didn't love me unconditionally, and now I can't even bear to hear that Katy Perry song without feeling like I am going to vomit. That was our theme song or so I thought. We are sparesely communicating, as though things are normal like how was your day, etc. But it feels different and forced, polite.

    He tells me he still cares for me. But what kind of caring is that, when the person can't even be a friend, to just ignore the past several months of deep deep connection and openness. Yes I did tell him I gained weight and that I hated how I looked. I told him all my insecurities including how I was treated in past relationships, how many times I've been **** on. I made no fantasy when it came to my emotions and my illness. He knew allllll of that. The mistake I made was being delusional about my own appearance. I was still living in the past and figured I could change quickly. Wrong. It isn't until now that I got medication in which I can propel my weight loss. I am 27 years old by the way.

    I will be seeking therapy and trying to become the best and happy me, that I was when I first started talking to him. It seems unfortnatue that he had to experience me spiral, but I honestly thought we would survive it. He was my rock and really offered a lot of support. I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since. Things are still fresh but I'm hoping over time I will heal and love myself. He knows this because he recognizes that I'm self aware, I told him its not fair to him.to experience me this way. However, there is nothing coming from him that would seem supportive or understanding or kind or compassionate. I must have really really turned him off.

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