Help! hurtful comment from partner

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Replies

  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
    Women can marry for money but a man refusing to marry over a weight issue is wrong?

    No - anyone can marry for money, so long as the other person knows about it.

    Staying in the relationship when you're unhappy with the weight is wrong. There's no difference with before/after marriage. Making marriage conditional on the weight loss just makes no sense. If you're not attracted to a person enough to marry them, then why the heck do you keep dating them?

    I have no idea. I'm not him. He brought it up when she mentioned marriage. I'm still going with "they should talk," considering they have been together for several years, he's willingly putting her through school, and he's made career sacrifices to do so.

    ETA: I'm still rather amused that gold digging is cool but weight issues are not. I guess the lines are different for everyone
  • CA_Underdog
    CA_Underdog Posts: 733 Member
    If you're not attracted to a person enough to marry them, then why the heck do you keep dating them?
    Temporary convenience, e.g. cooking, cleaning, intimate relations, etc.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
    If you're not attracted to a person enough to marry them, then why the heck do you keep dating them?
    Temporary convenience, e.g. cooking, cleaning, intimate relations, etc.

    Don't forget money
  • madhatter2013
    madhatter2013 Posts: 1,547 Member
    I have been with my partner for around 4 years and known him for 9 years.
    We have broached the subject of marriage many times but he has pushed it off as "it'll happen when it does" etc

    I have always struggled with my weight and currently (not at my heaviest) 84kgs / 162cm.

    Last week the topic of marriage come up again, and finally my partner told me "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself. He says he loves me but cant marry me and this weight. I wouldn't like to have a wedding at my current weight, but I don't think it should be in the way of a proposal...

    Now, normally this guy isn't a jerk and I think this has come from concern but I don't know where to from here. I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
    I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.

    Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?

    Wow, just wow! I can see where this would come from concern for your health but couldn't he have worded it better than that? All in all he has stated that he won't marry you fat, so what happens if you lose the weight, get married, and somehow gain it back? Imagine if you lose the weight, get married, adn then something happens that you have to rely on him, like you become disabled somehow? Will he divorce you because it's too hard to care for you 24/7? Will he divorce you if you become pregnant? This would raise some questions for me. 4 years with no porposal and then a cop out that he would have proposed a year ago had you stayed thin? What about a year before that when you were thin? Why not propose then? I would sit him down and have a very deep conversation with him about what he wants in a wife and then look long and hard at what you'll settle for in a husband. Sounds to me like he isn't cool with change and, unfortunately, life is full of them.
  • CA_Underdog
    CA_Underdog Posts: 733 Member
    If you're not attracted to a person enough to marry them, then why the heck do you keep dating them?
    Temporary convenience, e.g. cooking, cleaning, intimate relations, etc.

    Don't forget money
    Certainly! Wanting financial support through college doesn't imply a permanent need. Some people stay together for their kids. All sorts of valid reasons for long-term but not forever relationships. As long as both sides are honest about their intentions I don't see a problem with ether side of these relationships.
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    Women can marry for money but a man refusing to marry over a weight issue is wrong?

    No - anyone can marry for money, so long as the other person knows about it.

    Staying in the relationship when you're unhappy with the weight is wrong. There's no difference with before/after marriage. Making marriage conditional on the weight loss just makes no sense. If you're not attracted to a person enough to marry them, then why the heck do you keep dating them?

    I have no idea. I'm not him. He brought it up when she mentioned marriage. I'm still going with "they should talk," considering they have been together for several years, he's willingly putting her through school, and he's made career sacrifices to do so.

    Oh no doubt - they should talk. I guess I just don't get the condition he's placed on marriage (if I had to make an assumption, my guess is it's not really about her weight, but that's me making wild assumptions, which is all we get the luxury of on a message board). He can have an opinion on weight, I just don't get conditioning that on marriage. It's not like after marriage your attraction would change. I also think she should decide what she wants. This relationship, with this condition (which I find super odd), or a different relationship that wouldn't have this condition (and would come with some other things too).

    I know it's not a popular opinion - that people can marry for whatever reasons they want - I know people want to believe that unconditional love is the only thing they should marry for - but there's lots of different relationships, which work a bunch of different ways.
  • Oh honey, I'm so sorry about your situation, that must have been so hurtful to hear. :/ I can only speak for myself but, if I were you, I would question why he thought you were fine to date for kind four years but not good/thin enough to marry! You deserve better, and trust me, there are kind and loving men out there who would never imagine saying such a thing to the woman they love! If he really loved you, he wouldn't be "dropping hints" and making emotionally manipulative threats, he would take you by the hand and invite you on a bike ride, talk openly and politely about how YOU feel about your weight and ask what he can do to support you IF you want to lose some. I used to think that I would have to settle for this type of treatment from men, weighing over 200 lbs, but then I met my best friend and love of 8 years now, and he has never been anything less than totally supportive and kind...and with him by my side, always encouraging and loving me, I've chosen to lose 88lbs and improve my health dramatically. I wish this for you, and every woman out there! My hope is that no person devalues themselves by remaining with a partner who is so disrespectful, my mom did for over 25 years, :( one thing she said that always stuck with me: Honey, if there is something he does now that hurts you, believe you me, over time, it only gets worse. I wish you the best!!!
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    ETA: I'm still rather amused that gold digging is cool but weight issues are not. I guess the lines are different for everyone

    I think you're missing my point. He can dump her because he doesn't like her weight. But he hasn't done that; he's said he'll keep dating her but not marry her. It's that line that I don't get.
  • hospitablegirl
    hospitablegirl Posts: 66 Member
    You said you think he's concerned about your health. That's not what it is, based on just his comments. If he was concerned about your health, he would have said he was. Instead, he's holding back a marriage proposal because of your weight. I'm sorry to say this, because I'm probably the most romantically sick person I've ever encountered, but run, run fast. Throughout your life, your weight will fluctuate, even if it's just a little. And more so when you decide to have kids. You deserve someone who will love you no matter what your weight is. Looks fade with time, chemistry is all that remains. Please consider your options. I know you won't leave until you're ready to admit it, but just know that you deserve better.
  • Pirate_chick
    Pirate_chick Posts: 1,216 Member
    A quote comes to mind:

    "If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."

    I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.

    This. Move on. his loss. Lose weight for you, and only you. There is a man out there that will love you to the moon and back regardless of size.
  • Limath
    Limath Posts: 89 Member

    I know I have to and want to lose weight - but why does it hurt when he has said it?

    appreciates everyones point of view.

    Because he didn't say that he thinks you need to lose weight. He said that he refused to marry you unless you do. Mean, hurtful & controlling. And, as others have said, it sounds like an excuse.

    I'm sorry you are in that position, and hope you won't let it derail your efforts. Tell his Mother, and let her slap him! :)
  • simplydelish2
    simplydelish2 Posts: 726 Member
    I know it's harsh...but lose the 170 lbs (or whatever he weighs) and move-on to someone who loves you unconditionally! Outside beauty can fade through the years...you'll always be wondering if he's going to leave.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
    ETA: I'm still rather amused that gold digging is cool but weight issues are not. I guess the lines are different for everyone

    I think you're missing my point. He can dump her because he doesn't like her weight. But he hasn't done that; he's said he'll keep dating her but not marry her. It's that line that I don't get.

    You don't get to pick the line though. You said yourself that people should be free to structure their relationships as they see fit. It's that exception of yours that I'm finding amusing.
  • MariaClaraSchabo
    MariaClaraSchabo Posts: 1 Member
    He is a JERK.... You deserve better.... 'Nough said!
  • conqueringsquidlette
    conqueringsquidlette Posts: 383 Member
    I have been with my partner for around 4 years and known him for 9 years.
    We have broached the subject of marriage many times but he has pushed it off as "it'll happen when it does" etc

    I have always struggled with my weight and currently (not at my heaviest) 84kgs / 162cm.

    Last week the topic of marriage come up again, and finally my partner told me "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself. He says he loves me but cant marry me and this weight. I wouldn't like to have a wedding at my current weight, but I don't think it should be in the way of a proposal...

    Now, normally this guy isn't a jerk and I think this has come from concern but I don't know where to from here. I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
    I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.

    Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?

    Nope. You don't need to marry this guy anyway.
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    You don't get to pick the line though. You said yourself that people should be free to structure their relationships as they see fit. It's that exception of yours that I'm finding amusing.

    Right - they have to agree upon a line, and if she was ok with it she wouldn't have posted here. That's why it's either don't lose the weight and stay together w/o being married, or lose the weight and maybe he'll marry her. Up to her to decide what she wants to do, and whether she can do it.

    Edited to add - what I don't get is that, to me, logically the line would be - get fat and we stop being together. I don't understand the marriage/no marriage thing.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,165 Member
    You love him? He loves you? He's supporting your through school which actually shows a huge commitment to your future as a couple. He wouldn't be supporting someone he didn't want to spend a good deal of time with, would he? I REALLY disagree with the people saying you should leave him for this. I do suggest counseling. It can't hurt. And I suggest talking about it more it. The physical is a small part of a marriage but it is important.

    Both my husband and I would have issues with each other if the other stopped taking care of themselves. It effects more than just your appearance and whether or not your partner is as attracted to you as he could be. Having extra weight effects your heath, your energy levels, your moods, your libido, etc. I think it's okay and "normal" to love someone but still have issues with some aspect of their appearance. My husband hated my short hair. He still loved me though.

    The main issue I see isn't that he isn't happy with your weight, or that he expressed that (when you pressed him, he didn't just blurt it out). The main issue to me is that he's trying to make it a condition of marriage. That's the problem and that's what he needs to see is wrong. You don't get to put conditions on your spouse. First, the actual wedding is of little importance so it really doesn't matter much if you "look your best". Second, you support, encourage, deal with tricky relationship issues with tact and empathy. You don't say "I haven't asked you to marry me yet because you are fat". You say "Honey, I love you, but I'd really like to see you get healthier, what can I do to help? Maybe if we start thinking about planning the wedding, that would help with motivation? I'll start working out more too. We can both get in better shape for the wedding together."
  • leantool
    leantool Posts: 365 Member
    Lots of advice so far. thank you

    we don't have children and I asked him "what's going to happen when we have kids". his reply was "don't be ridiculous, that is a natural part of life but then you would go back to your normal weight. His brothers wife is a naturally tiny woman and has had no trouble going back to her pre baby weight. His mother isn't a small lady however.

    A lot of outside "pressure" is coming in from his family and our friends about when we are getting married. (I try not to push it, he knew my feelings but i didn't want to ruin a surprise so I'm not constantly in his face about it) I asked him how his mother would react if he told her "my weight" was the reason we weren't married yet. He said she's slap him. But he still maintained that men are visual.

    I recently went back to uni (to better our futures) and he supports me financially and emotionally with that. he works away 2 weeks on 2 weeks off for me to do uni and us to still survive financially. he also put his career aspirations on hold for me to fulfil mine as a health care professional. He mentioned that he has given a lot for me to do this (true) and all he asks is that I take care of myself.

    I pushed him further and asked what his ideal for me would be and his "goal" for me is realistic, in that I can reach the size 10-12.

    I asked why he hasn't left me if this is how he feels and he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise.

    I know I have to and want to lose weight - but why does it hurt when he has said it?

    appreciates everyones point of view.
    Ditch him and stand on yur own two feet
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    It sounds like he's living with her. He's enjoying the comfort of a warm body to snuggle with in bed, meals cooked, groceries shopped for, the bed made, the toilet and tub scrubbed, someone to chat with after a hard day at work, someone to eat meals with, someone to go walking and driving with, someone to go to the movies with, someone to spend holidays with. And of course. Someone to have sex with.

    I don't recall OP saying she did any of that.
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    It sounds like he's living with her. He's enjoying the comfort of a warm body to snuggle with in bed, meals cooked, groceries shopped for, the bed made, the toilet and tub scrubbed, someone to chat with after a hard day at work, someone to eat meals with, someone to go walking and driving with, someone to go to the movies with, someone to spend holidays with. And of course. Someone to have sex with.

    I don't recall OP saying she did any of that.

    Yeah, maybe he provides her with a maid too. Or maybe he comes home and does all the housework and cooking after working hard all day to support her. :laugh:

    It's funny because it's true (maybe not in their case, but it can be true nonetheless.)