Help! hurtful comment from partner
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She's asking for advice. That's why she posted here. In the end, his money may be appealing enough for her to lose weight.
It could be. That's why the "dump him" comments don't necessarily work. "Dump him" may be right for whoever is saying that (the condition of losing weight to win marriage does not outweigh the other available factors), but not necessarily for this poster. I guess my way of thinking is that if you're not attractive enough to marry, you're not attractive enough to date long term, so why bother; but perhaps the conditions for her mate are different as well (i.e. standards for marriage different than standards for 4+ yr relationship). It's the last part I have trouble with. Short term relationship - I get it - standards for marriage would be different. But to keep going for years when you're not happy enough to marry - I don't get (unless there's other information missing, i.e. marriage not that important).
Fair enough. I see a big difference between a life commitment and 4 years though0 -
If it wasn't the weight it might be something else.
I was dating a man who put "conditions" on the proposal as well.
So I did everything he asked.
And it turns out he was a controlling, mean, verbally abusive husband.
SO tread lightly.
Out the door0 -
Love outside blood relations is rarely unconditional. That said, your boyfriend's dreams of marriage don't include you--they include someone he finds more attractive. What makes you think, when you lose the weight, he will decide you're good enough? What makes you think, if you're good enough then, you will be even if you regain some weight after pregnancy? I don't think he's a jerk--I simply think this relationship isn't "the one" either of you is looking for. At some point you should both break free--so he can find someone he's crazy about, and you can find someone who's crazy about you.
This. I scrolled down to see if anyone thought this way. I totally agree with you. I think the OP needs to have a long chat with her SO0 -
He's a POS. Send him packing.0
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I think you need to talk to him more and really understand why he is saying that and where he is coming from. You should be open to honesty. And at the same time, ask that he be kind and thoughtful with his honesty. It's going to be tough. Your feelings may get hurt. You may yell at each other in moments. He may grab you and hug you and say that he didn't mean it the way you heard it. That's part of what you need to work out. Are you hearing what he meant? Or are you being influenced by internal factors. Relationships will always have moments similiar to this. So, learn to communicate and work it out. See how it goes. Re-evaluate after giving it that chance. Evaluate all aspects, this included. You will know what the right thing is for you both.0
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Fair enough. I see a big difference between a life commitment and 4 years though
That's true, but i think for someone who is interested in marrying, sticking around for 4 years without that coming at the end could feel wasteful in the end. Plus, think of all the amazing people you could meet (whether for kinky f!!kery or potential marriage) in that time span. It's those possibilities that would likely outweigh me sticking around, but I also knew what I wanted.
Good discussion on the back and forth btw. I dug it.0 -
Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!
And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable
It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.
So if man makes jokes about slapping women is that funny?
As a matter of fact it would be if it was a joke. But then again, I have a sense of humor. I'll kick a b**** in the vagina too. Lighten up.
You sound angry and violent. You should probably get some therapy for that.
& you sound dull and uptight. So I could certainly say therapy would do you good as well;)0 -
It is really a simple question: Is looking good in wedding pictures more important than starting your married life together?
Some people are fine with never getting married. I know a couple with three kids and 20 years together that never felt the need for marriage.
Some people don't need an "engagement". My husband never "popped the question". He and I made the decision to get married together because getting married in front of God was important to me, and having legal status together (for medical decisions and such) was important to him. I looked like giant frosted cupcake for my wedding, but no one cared because the only thing they could see was the goofy grins on our faces every time we looked at each other.
What is important to you? What is important to him? A lot of people do whatever it takes to get into that "perfect" dress for the wedding. Is that what he wants? Does he want to marry you skinny knowing that you will just gain it all back later? If you didn't "respect" yourself than you wouldn't be on this site. But change takes time. Does he understand that you are trying, but life isn't always what we plan? He obviously loves you, but does he trust you? Does he trust that you will do what is best for you? Can he treat you like the adult that you are? If he can't trust you to make good decisions for yourself, why is he with you?
Again, some people are into that sort of thing. If you want to be in a relationship where your spouse is responsible for your health, that's fine. But is that was you really want?
I would recommend a neutral third party (preferably a therapist or family counselor) because these are very sensitive issues for both of you, and both need to have a healthy way of soul searching without hurting the other person's feelings.0 -
This reminds me of a documentary on netflix called "Unhung Hero" (well, it's a cockumentary).0
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Don't let yourself or others determine your value! KNOW that you are priceless and wait for a man who understands that. If you don't get a man who gets your full value you will NEVER get him to respect you as such.0
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Sweetheart, I have been in a similar situation to where you are. I had a man I loved very much who refused to be with me. He acted like we were in a relationship, held my hand, was affectionate and spent all his time with me...but whenever someone asked if we were together, he'd say, "No, we're just friends." He knew I was in love with him, and he would tell me all the time that "maybe I'd be with you if you lost weight." He continued seeing other people while leading me on and would tell me about his dates while kissing on my neck.
You won't leave him because of everyone here telling you you should. You'll hear it over and over again, and you know you should, but you're not ready yet. Eventually, you'll be strong enough and you will. And something better will come along, someone who will be more deserving and who will make you feel wonderful.
I learned to love myself after I left him and I met another guy. My Husband loves me unconditionally, and is proud to let everyone know he is with me. It's crazy to me when I think back to that other guy, that I ever wanted to marry him. He ended up with another girl, a thin girl, telling me we had to be friends only while asking if I wanted to stay the night (that was my breaking point). Ironically, I've seen them since and the girl is now bigger than me (and I weigh 350). I certainly hope he treats her better.
You'll leave when the time is right. For right now, know you have our support.0 -
Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!
And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable
It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.
So if man makes jokes about slapping women is that funny?
As a matter of fact it would be if it was a joke. But then again, I have a sense of humor. I'll kick a b**** in the vagina too. Lighten up.
You sound angry and violent. You should probably get some therapy for that.
& you sound dull and uptight. So I could certainly say therapy would do you good as well;)
At least I know when someone is busting my balls. Best of luck :flowerforyou:0 -
I've been married 10 years now to my wife. And quite frankly, I appreciate it when she points out my flaws. When I say, do, etc... something wrong. Or say when/if I get too chubby. Your spouse is supposed to be your mirror so you can see yourself how everyone else does. My favorite is when she advises me I'm too lazy/procrastinating by playing too many video games for too long. Then I go out and do one of the projects we need done in the house.
And I agree with that sunofabeach guy... Talk to him. You might be taking what he said or was trying to say out of context. Or he phrased it wrong. Or your interpreting it differently than what he meant. Maybe he is concerned about your health? Obesity is a huge cause of health issues down the road. A marriage cannot exist without communication. I agree with the OP's SO. Doesn't sound like you guys are ready for marriage.
With that said, from your profile picture, what weight do you even have to lose?0 -
Fair enough. I see a big difference between a life commitment and 4 years though
That's true, but i think for someone who is interested in marrying, sticking around for 4 years without that coming at the end could feel wasteful in the end. Plus, think of all the amazing people you could meet (whether for kinky f!!kery or potential marriage) in that time span. It's those possibilities that would likely outweigh me sticking around, but I also knew what I wanted.
Good discussion on the back and forth btw. I dug it.
Cheers0 -
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I cannot claim to understand your situation but I can tell you the one I lived. I was never quite good enough. First it was he didn't like my earrings, then my shirt, then it wasn't enough makeup followed quickly by too much makeup...you get my drift.
At the time I didn't work so he was the main bread winner. This meant that anytime I needed/wanted anything I had to ask him; occasionally he would surprise me with a gift. It was wonderful, he was taking care of me...right? He loved me...right? Maybe in his own mind that was what he called it. The gifts turned out to be guilt trips and the advice on my appearance turned into control.
He felt I didn't care enough about myself...I figured out how much I really did care about myself by leaving him and finding my happiness within myself. Choosing to be single is a scary and painful experience especially when you feel financially dependent on a partner; but it is always doable and can be very rewarding.
I'm not in a position to say this is what is happening to you but I see some red flags in your messages. I will urge to be careful and to make strong decisions based on your happiness and not feelings of responsibility and guilt. Good luck.0 -
Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!
And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable
It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.
So if man makes jokes about slapping women is that funny?
As a matter of fact it would be if it was a joke. But then again, I have a sense of humor. I'll kick a b**** in the vagina too. Lighten up.
You sound angry and violent. You should probably get some therapy for that.
& you sound dull and uptight. So I could certainly say therapy would do you good as well;)
At least I know when someone is busting my balls. Best of luck :flowerforyou:
┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐ see you in therapy! (once again this is a joke...only a joke...smile okay!!)0 -
Obviously, we (the internet) don't know all of the great things about your relationship with this guy that have kept you together for so long. That being said, it sounds like he's putting up excuses and maybe just isn't ready to get married. The fact that he used something so hurtful to excuse his unwillingness to commit is concerning. You two need to have a very serious conversation about how his comments made you feel.
If this guy continues to say hurtful things to you and refuses to commit, you'll have to make the decision on your own as to whether or not you want to stick around for that. I personally think you deserve better if the behavior continues.0 -
So what. Lose the weight. You're boyfriend makes an honest point.
I'll say that no one here will probably agree with me.... BUT ..... I think that you need to realize that weight does matter in his attraction to you, which is a viable part of the relationship. Its not going to be fair to him to be married to someone who lets themselves go/ is overweight/ ect... for the rest of his life. He deserves the best, right? You should want to impress him. It sounds honestly like you have become too comfortable with him and you've forgotten that you need to keep up with your personal appearance if you want this man to spend the rest of his life with you. The exact same should go for him as well.
I'm not saying that you aren't beautiful and pretty as is, but if you want to be with him and he has a problem with you, either fix the problem or ditch him.0 -
I'm sorry he put you in this position where you have to question the relationship. You may be better off without him. Good luck to you and God Bless You.0
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Ok... let's slow down... I know someone very well who actually heard the same thing from her then-boyfriend.
He told her she needed to lose 20 lbs before he would ask her to marry him. When I heard this, my reaction was, "who needs him? what a jerk!"
I am happy to say that I was so wrong about him. They have been happily married for many years now and have a beautiful little baby. He clearly adores both of them. None of us are able to judge the character of your boyfriend from a brief description of a conversation. If you need to lose weight, lose it... if he's motivation to lose weight, then great... but I have learned my lesson not to judge so harshly as I did before.0 -
I have been with my partner for around 4 years and known him for 9 years.
We have broached the subject of marriage many times but he has pushed it off as "it'll happen when it does" etc
I have always struggled with my weight and currently (not at my heaviest) 84kgs / 162cm.
Last week the topic of marriage come up again, and finally my partner told me "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself. He says he loves me but cant marry me and this weight. I wouldn't like to have a wedding at my current weight, but I don't think it should be in the way of a proposal...
Now, normally this guy isn't a jerk and I think this has come from concern but I don't know where to from here. I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.
Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?
My knee jerk reaction is that he's a total jerk.
However - for some people weight is a heavy factor in attraction. It's like me being attracted to a sense of humor. It's just how I am. It doesn't make him shallow or whatever.
So maybe he's a not jerk - maybe he's just being incredibly honest with you, which isn't a bad thing (better now than when you're married, right?).
I wouldn't lose weight for him - I think one should only get fit for themselves.
And I think maybe you should evaluate your relationship in an open and honest way with each other. Perhaps, though you love him, he's not a good match for you. But maybe he is. Tell him how you feel and your concerns for the future.
BTW, having issues with your partners weight has nothing to do with unconditional love. Just because he said she needs to lose weight doesn't mean he doesn't love her.0 -
Another point the OP mentioned was that his mother was not a small woman. This may be where the problem lies. Perhaps his mother was small when she married his dad, then gained weight afterwards? Perhaps the father was mad about her 'letting herself go'? Perhaps they divorced? Perhaps they stayed together and dad resented it for years, feeling like he was trapped?
We are products of our upbringing. The relationship we grew up with shape our ideas of our own relationships.
The boyfriend may be afraid of ending up like his dad, with an overweight wife who has given up on her health? (making some assumptions here, just as a 'what if')
OP definitely can talk it over with the BF, but be prepared to hear something that might be hard to hear.0 -
Another point the OP mentioned was that his mother was not a small woman. This may be where the problem lies. Perhaps his mother was small when she married his dad, then gained weight afterwards? Perhaps the father was mad about her 'letting herself go'? Perhaps they divorced? Perhaps they stayed together and dad resented it for years, feeling like he was trapped?
We are products of our upbringing. The relationship we grew up with shape our ideas of our own relationships.
The boyfriend may be afraid of ending up like his dad, with an overweight wife who has given up on her health? (making some assumptions here, just as a 'what if')
OP definitely can talk it over with the BF, but be prepared to hear something that might be hard to hear.
Yeah, this is such a good point!!!0 -
A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I love this quote. Is that you in your profile pic? Are you overweight? You are beautiful! Hmmm.0 -
I know this isn't the answer you want... because you probably blame yourself for the weight and you probably don't want it either so part of you agrees with the sentiment.
I'm confused. Who's fault is someone's weight problem if not their own?0 -
I started gaining weight while with my last boyfriend about four years ago (he weighed about 350lbs at the time, I went from 200lbs to 230lbs) and while he wasn't THAT mean about it, he definitely lost a lot of interest in me. He started pulling my hair and making comments about how lucky I was to have a man who was attracted to someone of my weight. He was the longest relationship I'd had up until that point, and I thought that was as good as my fat tush could do.
Then, one morning, I just got hit with a lightning bolt of self-esteem. I realized I deserved better than to be treated like that. That I could do better, or even being on my own would be better, but I couldn't let someone disrespect me like that. We broke up for that and many other reasons, and I was riding high and started losing weight.
About five months later I met my now-fiance.
You never know what the future might hold, so don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Before YOU tie yourself to this man, decide if that's the sort of life you want for yourself. If it's not? If you're settling? Make that clear to him - that you won't marry him until he cleans up his attitude. It might even spark a bit of conversation between the two of you about why you've 'talked' about marriage and kids but things were 'never quite right.'0 -
I you believe he really loves you, I think you should ask him to go to counseling, be honest that now you have doubts about a future with him.
Did you ever think he is afraid he will end up married to his Mother?
Here is the thing though, he has a "vision" and right now you don't fit it...so can you be comfortable with that? When I was young, I fell in love with a guy who "loved" the fantasy version of me he had in his head, not the real me, and unfortunately for me I loved him unconditionally, but I broke up as I knew it would be nothing but misery.
Now I have what I wanted back then, and have for the past 22 years. I don't think my husband liked it too much when I gained weight, but he still loved me and was there for me no matter what, and vice versa.
Whatever you do, don't settle.0 -
First and foremost, there is no such thing as unconditional love in relationships. There are conditions on everything in life. Realizing that helped me start to accept a lot of things in my life that has happened. As for your boyfriend making a comment like that to you, it is just a matter of complete disrespect for you. But, the other side of the coin is, he just seems too honest. I am not going to call him a jerk, because I do not know him. I would not say, "leave him, you deserve better." Because, then, I would be a hipocrite. I am going thorugh similar things in my own marriage. My husband has a way of making what I call, "backhanded" comments. I am sorry for the pain that it has caused you. You just have a lot of soul searching to do and you need to question yourself as to whether or not he is someone worth spending your life with. Good luck with whatever your decision is. I know it's hard. But, take it from me, make a decision before a child in involved, because coming from someone going through it, having a child with him will make in 100 times harder to make any decision in the future.0
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I feel so bad to hear your situation. I know how it feels to be in such a place in life between the heart and mind tugging you in different directions. I'm sure this person means well and I would tell him yes I agree that I need to lose some weight and I appreciate your concern and I have been making stides to do so, however it hurts that you don't love me no matter what.
Then I would seriously consider taking a break from that relationship. I had almost and identical situation and I found out that person was not for me and now I have been hapily married to a man who truly loves me for who I am, yet supports me 100% in my goal to shed my extra pounds. Also I now have two very beautiful daughters who share the same healthy attitude.
I'm not saying he is not the one for you, however, love should be unconditional. You should ask him to clarify his feelings about you and who you are right now. Let him know that you want to change, but that shouldn't be what he loves most about you.
I wish you all the best and a life that is long and full of happieness.0 -
Warning...warning...please take heed to his words now. What will he say to you when you get pregnant? Perhaps you can get him to explain himself better...cause right now he sounds like a *kitten*.0
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