Help! hurtful comment from partner

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  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
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    I have been with my partner for around 4 years and known him for 9 years.
    We have broached the subject of marriage many times but he has pushed it off as "it'll happen when it does" etc

    I have always struggled with my weight and currently (not at my heaviest) 84kgs / 162cm.

    Last week the topic of marriage come up again, and finally my partner told me "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself. He says he loves me but cant marry me and this weight. I wouldn't like to have a wedding at my current weight, but I don't think it should be in the way of a proposal...

    Now, normally this guy isn't a jerk and I think this has come from concern but I don't know where to from here. I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
    I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.

    Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?

    My knee jerk reaction is that he's a total jerk.

    However - for some people weight is a heavy factor in attraction. It's like me being attracted to a sense of humor. It's just how I am. It doesn't make him shallow or whatever.

    So maybe he's a not jerk - maybe he's just being incredibly honest with you, which isn't a bad thing (better now than when you're married, right?).

    I wouldn't lose weight for him - I think one should only get fit for themselves.

    And I think maybe you should evaluate your relationship in an open and honest way with each other. Perhaps, though you love him, he's not a good match for you. But maybe he is. Tell him how you feel and your concerns for the future.

    BTW, having issues with your partners weight has nothing to do with unconditional love. Just because he said she needs to lose weight doesn't mean he doesn't love her.
  • DebbieLyn63
    DebbieLyn63 Posts: 2,650 Member
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    Another point the OP mentioned was that his mother was not a small woman. This may be where the problem lies. Perhaps his mother was small when she married his dad, then gained weight afterwards? Perhaps the father was mad about her 'letting herself go'? Perhaps they divorced? Perhaps they stayed together and dad resented it for years, feeling like he was trapped?

    We are products of our upbringing. The relationship we grew up with shape our ideas of our own relationships.

    The boyfriend may be afraid of ending up like his dad, with an overweight wife who has given up on her health? (making some assumptions here, just as a 'what if')

    OP definitely can talk it over with the BF, but be prepared to hear something that might be hard to hear.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    Another point the OP mentioned was that his mother was not a small woman. This may be where the problem lies. Perhaps his mother was small when she married his dad, then gained weight afterwards? Perhaps the father was mad about her 'letting herself go'? Perhaps they divorced? Perhaps they stayed together and dad resented it for years, feeling like he was trapped?

    We are products of our upbringing. The relationship we grew up with shape our ideas of our own relationships.

    The boyfriend may be afraid of ending up like his dad, with an overweight wife who has given up on her health? (making some assumptions here, just as a 'what if')

    OP definitely can talk it over with the BF, but be prepared to hear something that might be hard to hear.

    Yeah, this is such a good point!!!
  • MMulder68
    MMulder68 Posts: 139 Member
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    A quote comes to mind:

    "If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."

    I love this quote. Is that you in your profile pic? Are you overweight? You are beautiful! Hmmm.
  • osothefinn
    osothefinn Posts: 163 Member
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    I know this isn't the answer you want... because you probably blame yourself for the weight and you probably don't want it either so part of you agrees with the sentiment.

    I'm confused. Who's fault is someone's weight problem if not their own?
  • MegE_N
    MegE_N Posts: 245 Member
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    I started gaining weight while with my last boyfriend about four years ago (he weighed about 350lbs at the time, I went from 200lbs to 230lbs) and while he wasn't THAT mean about it, he definitely lost a lot of interest in me. He started pulling my hair and making comments about how lucky I was to have a man who was attracted to someone of my weight. He was the longest relationship I'd had up until that point, and I thought that was as good as my fat tush could do.

    Then, one morning, I just got hit with a lightning bolt of self-esteem. I realized I deserved better than to be treated like that. That I could do better, or even being on my own would be better, but I couldn't let someone disrespect me like that. We broke up for that and many other reasons, and I was riding high and started losing weight.

    About five months later I met my now-fiance.

    You never know what the future might hold, so don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Before YOU tie yourself to this man, decide if that's the sort of life you want for yourself. If it's not? If you're settling? Make that clear to him - that you won't marry him until he cleans up his attitude. It might even spark a bit of conversation between the two of you about why you've 'talked' about marriage and kids but things were 'never quite right.'
  • perseverance14
    perseverance14 Posts: 1,364 Member
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    I you believe he really loves you, I think you should ask him to go to counseling, be honest that now you have doubts about a future with him.

    Did you ever think he is afraid he will end up married to his Mother?

    Here is the thing though, he has a "vision" and right now you don't fit it...so can you be comfortable with that? When I was young, I fell in love with a guy who "loved" the fantasy version of me he had in his head, not the real me, and unfortunately for me I loved him unconditionally, but I broke up as I knew it would be nothing but misery.

    Now I have what I wanted back then, and have for the past 22 years. I don't think my husband liked it too much when I gained weight, but he still loved me and was there for me no matter what, and vice versa.

    Whatever you do, don't settle.
  • NJGmywholewrld
    NJGmywholewrld Posts: 123 Member
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    First and foremost, there is no such thing as unconditional love in relationships. There are conditions on everything in life. Realizing that helped me start to accept a lot of things in my life that has happened. As for your boyfriend making a comment like that to you, it is just a matter of complete disrespect for you. But, the other side of the coin is, he just seems too honest. I am not going to call him a jerk, because I do not know him. I would not say, "leave him, you deserve better." Because, then, I would be a hipocrite. I am going thorugh similar things in my own marriage. My husband has a way of making what I call, "backhanded" comments. I am sorry for the pain that it has caused you. You just have a lot of soul searching to do and you need to question yourself as to whether or not he is someone worth spending your life with. Good luck with whatever your decision is. I know it's hard. But, take it from me, make a decision before a child in involved, because coming from someone going through it, having a child with him will make in 100 times harder to make any decision in the future.
  • tuckeychicken
    tuckeychicken Posts: 167 Member
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    I feel so bad to hear your situation. I know how it feels to be in such a place in life between the heart and mind tugging you in different directions. I'm sure this person means well and I would tell him yes I agree that I need to lose some weight and I appreciate your concern and I have been making stides to do so, however it hurts that you don't love me no matter what.

    Then I would seriously consider taking a break from that relationship. I had almost and identical situation and I found out that person was not for me and now I have been hapily married to a man who truly loves me for who I am, yet supports me 100% in my goal to shed my extra pounds. Also I now have two very beautiful daughters who share the same healthy attitude.

    I'm not saying he is not the one for you, however, love should be unconditional. You should ask him to clarify his feelings about you and who you are right now. Let him know that you want to change, but that shouldn't be what he loves most about you.

    I wish you all the best and a life that is long and full of happieness.
  • tmj4477
    tmj4477 Posts: 145 Member
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    Warning...warning...please take heed to his words now. What will he say to you when you get pregnant? Perhaps you can get him to explain himself better...cause right now he sounds like a *kitten*.
  • melaniedsm
    melaniedsm Posts: 55
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    GET OUT NOW! He is abusive and you don't need that. You will one day get old and unattractive. Your life partner shouldn't need physical attraction to that level. When I find myself unattractive, my husband loves me exactly as I am. He supports my weight loss because it is what I want. He equally supported my daily snow cones while I was pregnant. My happiness is priority #1 for him and that is what you need. Guys are visual my *kitten*, only guys that aren't prepared for the life commitment that is marriage. A marraige should be a safe place, not some place you have to protect yourself from being hurt. Also if my husband said that to me before we got married, I would have my stuff in a new apartment before end of day. I'm not going to lie, I may have also made a phone call to my brothers.
  • jenbroussard71
    jenbroussard71 Posts: 236 Member
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    A quote comes to mind:

    "If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."

    I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.

    This +1
  • ruthbs
    ruthbs Posts: 14
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    You should say: Well, good because I wouldn't say yes right now at this "douche level you are at."

    You lose weight for you and only you...nobody else. Nothing wrong with honesty, but there is an alternative like supporting you and helping like working out together and eating well together. Not rude comments like him not making a commitment because you are not at the ideal weight in his eyes.
  • Deipneus
    Deipneus Posts: 1,862 Member
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    Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!

    And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable
    Ya noticed?
  • RedArizona5
    RedArizona5 Posts: 465 Member
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    I did say my piece but I had left out one thing and that is another question. Doesn't society judge one another the first 2 minutes they meet? A true statement! l mean look at speed dating. I never been to one but you have a certain amount of time to decide if the person in front of you passes all of your standards. But people do change in a relationship his standards when he met you were high and saw you as an attractive female and so he got hooked. He feels jipped. I kinda would if the tables were turned and if my hubby was all hot when i met him and married him and he turned to homer simpson-ew. I would love him but i would also eventually say something like look dude you gotta LOL you gotta do something here because um this, this isn't happening right here, ok? Especially if i keep myself in check? If he is not severely overweight its because he cares about himself and thus you. healthy body means a healthy long life and he needs his partner to be there for him and when you are sick because you are not in good shape then how can he depend on you or vise versa? it isn't fair. yes i do feel he could have gone a better way. but the squeaky wheel gets the oil. and he wants some oil honey haha:)
  • thepetiterunner
    thepetiterunner Posts: 1,238 Member
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    Wow, well I guess if it were me, I'd leave him, then get super fit just to show him what he couldn't have any more. But... that's just me.

    I'm curious as to why he's so focused on your weight. From what you said, he hadn't said anything in regards to your health and fitness as an overall person, simply your size and appearance. That's concerning to me. Your body changes over time, things aren't going to be the same and what will happen when it does? Will he just leave?

    I would ask yourself if you're simply losing the weight for him or for yourself. Will you always have feelings of wondering if you're "good enough"? Will he make other demands of you at some point? Will you start seeing him look at other, smaller women and wonder if he thinks that's more attractive than what you are now?

    I applaud his honesty and ability to communicate to you his feelings. However, I think it's also a big load of crap. People who want to get married, get married. People who don't, don't. Whatever words come out after the "I want to, BUT..." is just an excuse.
  • Kirstie155
    Kirstie155 Posts: 1,001 Member
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    Hi, OP. First let me say that I am so sorry that your bf said that to you and hurt your feelings. Proposals and weightloss can be agonizing topics -both to discuss and while waiting for them to finally come around.

    That being said, let me play devils advocate. Is your partner very into fitness? Is he genuinely concerned about your health or ability to spend time with him or any future children? Does he go climbing, hiking, cycling...while you stay home? If so, it might be about much more than your appearance.

    OP, time to take a good,look at him and decide what his motives are. If he only wants a "hot wife" as others have stated it is time to move on. If he is concerned about how,your relationship might be effected by your weight, have a conversation with him about *tact* first. Then work the rest out.

    Good luck!
  • perseverance14
    perseverance14 Posts: 1,364 Member
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    First and foremost, there is no such thing as unconditional love in relationships.
    Yes, there is. You see the other person as they are, faults and all, and they see you the same way, but you still love and support each other regardless. That does not mean you are each other's ideal, it means you accept each other for who you are as the years go by, through good times and bad times, etc., etc. I feel sorry for anybody in a committed relationship that has to worry if their SO will still "love" them if they do or do not do x, y or z, that is not love, that is control.
  • CA_Underdog
    CA_Underdog Posts: 733 Member
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    First and foremost, there is no such thing as unconditional love in relationships.
    I feel sorry for anybody in a committed relationship that has to worry if their SO will still "love" them if they do or do not do x, y or z,
    I feel sorry for anyone who would remain in a romantic relationship unconditionally.

    Yep, if my partner is regularly physically or verbally abusive, cheating on me, or even just falls out of love and doesn't try to fix it.. they're going to be out the door and eventually out of my heart. I set conditions because I choose not to live my life as an unhappy victim. I've met people who chose otherwise.
    that is not love, that is control
    That's a misunderstanding. I don't control whether my partner does any of the things I mentioned. I can't control my partner. I can only control my response to their actions--and I give fair warning.
  • NJGmywholewrld
    NJGmywholewrld Posts: 123 Member
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    First and foremost, there is no such thing as unconditional love in relationships.
    Yes, there is. You see the other person as they are, faults and all, and they see you the same way, but you still love and support each other regardless. That does not mean you are each other's ideal, it means you accept each other for who you are as the years go by, through good times and bad times, etc., etc. I feel sorry for anybody in a committed relationship that has to worry if their SO will still "love" them if they do or do not do x, y or z, that is not love, that is control.

    Conditions: You go in to a realtionship with a child, you say to the other person, " I love you, but I have a child and if you want me in your life, you have to accept my child."

    You are in a realtionship and the other individual decides for some reason or another to quit their job, no longer contributes. But loves you more than ever. Do you stay?

    There are more that I could post, but in reality, there are conditions in life. I love my husband wholeheartedly and he feels the same in return, but even I know that if one would gain weight and shoot up to well over 400 lbs. become lazy and start taking advantage. Love or not, the other deserves better.

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