Help! hurtful comment from partner

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  • jesusarolon
    jesusarolon Posts: 208 Member
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    No offense there Sam, but it's a mind game(being polite). Today it's the weight, tomorrow it's something else. In my opinion, you should dig down, get some self respect, and move the f--- on. You're only here for a short time, quit wasting it.

    My brother (who I no longer talk to going on four years) continuously does this, and openly has a good laugh about how they(women) keep coming back for more. He's a dirt bag, and so is your guy. So quit deluding yourself and start smelling the bull sh-t, or just keep on eating it. The choice is yours.

    100% agree!
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    I don't see how this is different to refusing to marry a heavy smoker or alcoholic. A marriage is a long term commitment to eachother, and you're young - I don't blame him for having reservations about someone leading an unhealthy lifestyle, because in the end it won't just be you it affects if you marry him.

    My concern is this: it's been four years, and she implied that her weight has been an ongoing problem. While it's certainly possible she will lose all this weight and never gain weight again, the chances are much better that this will be an issue again. The two of them need to have a conversation about what would happen in that scenario, before they agree to marry each other. It's just a very realistic possibility. What if they get married, she gains weight, and struggles to lose it for four years? Does that mean divorce, withholding affection, or is it just that he wants her to know that he will be honest with her and tell her he is more attracted to her slender? Is she equipped to deal with each of those scenarios? We don't know.

    If someone told a heavy smoker or an alcoholic, "I'll marry you when you get sober," the same conversation would need to be had. Many though not all people relapse or have setbacks.

    To me, this isn't about blame, it's about figuring out whether you can live with each other's conditions. If she can't live with someone who won't marry her until she is thin, that's ok. If he can't marry someone until she's thin, that's ok. But after four years, someone needs to mention that nothing has changed and neither is getting what they want.

    (I can't make positive or negative judgments about why he does what he does with his career and her schooling. We don't know the answer to that. He could be treasuring her and valuing her so much that he sacrifices his needs to help her meet her's, and it could also be self-serving. Control, her feeling indebted to him, getting two weeks away from home that can't be questioned because he is doing it for her. It could be somewhere in the middle, where he sees her as the more likely of the two to have a steady career and feels that investing in her career is a decision that benefits them both ... there's no way for any of us to decide he's a selfish b or a selfless saint based on that information.)
  • lisalsd1
    lisalsd1 Posts: 1,521 Member
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    Excuses, excuses, excuses. He is never going to marry you. And why would you want to marry someone who thinks you are too fat to marry, but not too fat to "be with?"
  • EatwellLivehappy
    EatwellLivehappy Posts: 34 Member
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    Now I haven't been in this relationship with you, nor has anyone else replying. But what you need to know and realize is there is no such thing as a marriage between a human and another human's weight. If you two are going to get married he won't be marrying your weight, he'll be marrying YOU.

    Regardless of how you feel about your weight, the numbers on the scale DO NOT DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON. The way you treat your body does, but your weight does not. There should never be a second where you shame your body. I know you love him and have been through a lot with him but your experience with crying while working out and 'not feeling like you'll ever be enough' are HARD CORE RED FLAGS.

    If he cared about your HEALTH he would help you improve your health lovingly. I know you've been struggling with your weight but WEIGHT is not an issue. Your HEALTH is and the only way to may improvements is to go about doing so in a positive and loving way. Not in a way that diminishes your self worth.

    Good luck. Hope the best for you. If you ever need to talk about this, please feel free to message me. I'm a Nutrition major and am actively involved in counseling services related to mental health and nutrition (not saying you need counseling but if you need professionals to help you get your mind straight on this subject, I know who you could talk to.)
  • dlionsmane
    dlionsmane Posts: 672 Member
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    I asked why he hasn't left me if this is how he feels and he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise.

    Oh my - this is the part that made me double cringe. The 'you are perfect otherwise' part. Others have said this. You are not perfect and you will not always be perfect. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but you need to beat it out of there and fast. Marriage is for better or worse, sickness and health. Sounds from your side of this that he has no desire for the worse or sickness part of that deal...

    Lose the weight for you and move on with your life. It will hurt like hell but you will find someone who deserves you, ALL OF YOU! Good luck!
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
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    That's why I said your love for them would be changed. It would, most likely, no longer be a romantic love, no? I specified romantic relationships, because that's what I was talking about.

    Anyway, it was a side point that is only vaguely connected to the OP, so it's probably pointless to argue about it :)
    You don't ...poof... stop romantically loving somebody just because you are not living with/having sex with them. Your kind of love sounds very fickle to me. As for divorcing over weight issues, I totally think that is shallow/fickle if you have not at least tried to work with the person. Sure you can "fall out" of love in situations like that, but I think of that as "people who were not that much in love in the first place". If your love is based on superficial things, it is not the kind of love that endures.

    When you are deeply in love, it is not fickle, and it lasts through good and bad times, and grows stronger as the years pass. I have had a wonderful 22 years with my husband who loves me unconditionally. He loved me through good and bad and I Ioved him the same way, and I love him even more than I did 22 years ago.

    I feel like you're intentionally missing my point. It's not "my kind of love", it's my opinion of the reality of love - if my husband did something I considered unforgivable, I would no longer love him in a romantic way. My definition of unforgivable is different from yours, and contrary to your belief of me, gaining weight is not on that list. NO WHERE in this thread did I say anything about divorce over weight being "okay". Please stop putting words into my mouth.

    Every relationship is and will be based on different expectations. My husband doesn't give two s*its about my weight. He loves me as I am - and he supports me in my fitness goals because it's what I want. But, in another relationship that might not be the case - there might be AGREED upon limitations. I don't think it's fair to point fingers and call other people who approach relationships differently than you shallow OR fickle. There could (and seem to be) underlying issues contributing to how he feels.

    For instance, I don't understand seeking relationship support on a website. It would be a violation of trust in my marriage if I posted a thread complaining about how my husband treats me. I am not, however, going to judge the OP for having differing standards in her relationship.

    I also don't think it's fair to label this guy a jerk, or shallow, or abusive (!) because we see a very thin (one-sided) slice of a single situation.

    I need some sort of pop up warning me next time I try to read any sort of relationship posts on here to just not bother.

    OP, best of luck to you. I hope whatever happens, you're happy and at peace with yourself.
  • brdnw
    brdnw Posts: 565 Member
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    i disagree, i love my girlfriend, her personality is amazing and she's beautiful...but if she were to weigh 200 pounds, then that means she's nolonger the same person, it means her eating isn't good, she isn't living healthy and physically nobody looks good overweight, my attractiveness to her would lessen, you can't be with someone you're not attracted to.

    For the same reasons i didn't want to be 285 and morbidly obese, is the same reasons i couldn't have a girlfriend that's obese. It's not vanity, it's not shallow, and i think it's ridiculous that people are like "oh it's all love forever". Love is mental and physical, could you love your partner if they weighed 600 pounds? That's an extreme, but for those that say size don't matter, i highly doubt you would. If my girlfriend got a disease or pregnant, etc..then that's different, but if it's a result of something they can control, then i don't get it, at this point in my life, i couldn't even date someone that routinely ate fast food.

    and besides, losing weight isn't that hard.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I just want to say that I do think sometimes people may "come down a little more harsh" on relationships in which the couple is thinking about marriage, but not married yet, just because of the rates of unhappy marriages and divorce.
  • jlgemma
    jlgemma Posts: 23 Member
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    It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.

    Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.

    To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.

    Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.

    For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.

    Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.

    My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?

    Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?

    One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.

    Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.

    ^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.

    I completely agree with the above comments. I think unfortunately he told you something you don't want to hear and it hurts. You already said before that you are not happy at this weight also. Maybe it is not just weight that is bothering him, maybe you are not as confident as you used to be and he misses that. I agree that many men (and women!) have fears that once you get married the passion and excitement goes away and you let yourself go. He is probably scared that you being overweight now and in his mind not doing enough about it is foreshadowing into that type of a future with you. You being at a healthy weight would probably ease those fears for him and in return you would feel so good about yourself. There is the possibility that he is a selfish jerk but from the sounds of things that doesn't seem to be the case.

    I have been dating my bf for 3 years and have gained about 40-50 lbs over the last few years since going back to a desk job. It has been bothering me and affecting my confidence. I don't dress the way I would like to anymore and I simply don't have the swagger that I had when we first started dating. While my bf still tells me how beautiful he thinks I am daily, he recently mentioned that my weight gain does bother him and he wishes I would make getting back to where I want to be a priority for the both of us. It hurt a little to hear but I love him for his honesty. It has given me the motivation to really put my health and fitness first. I simply am not happy like this and it shows.

    I personally wouldn't want my bf to pat me on the back and tell me its ok if I want to give up on myself and not be the best I can be. He knows my potential and wants more for me. My bf is active and in amazing shape and its ok for him to want a partner who takes good care of herself too. I can be honest with myself and say that if the situation were reversed it would bother me as well. It doesn't mean I don't truly love him. If you want to maintain a passionate relationship and healthy sex life, physical attraction is important. I have enough friends. I don't want my relationship to feel like just another friendship.

    To sum up, maybe the way he addressed his feeling wasn't the most tactful but I wouldn't write off the relationship just yet. I think you need to have an honest conversation about both of your feelings and try not to take his comments too personally. I think he feels this is the best to maintain a healthy relationship with you, where you both feel you are getting what you want out of it.
  • RedArizona5
    RedArizona5 Posts: 465 Member
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    ://www.womenarehungry.com/ Is about a woman struggling with the numbers on a scale and her journey-very inspirational, my fitness pal shared today and i think it fits the topic.
  • jlgemma
    jlgemma Posts: 23 Member
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    So what. Lose the weight. You're boyfriend makes an honest point.

    I'll say that no one here will probably agree with me.... BUT ..... I think that you need to realize that weight does matter in his attraction to you, which is a viable part of the relationship. Its not going to be fair to him to be married to someone who lets themselves go/ is overweight/ ect... for the rest of his life. He deserves the best, right? You should want to impress him. It sounds honestly like you have become too comfortable with him and you've forgotten that you need to keep up with your personal appearance if you want this man to spend the rest of his life with you. The exact same should go for him as well.

    I'm not saying that you aren't beautiful and pretty as is, but if you want to be with him and he has a problem with you, either fix the problem or ditch him.

    Love this answer. I wish I had been as concise with my response. Lol.
  • Goodmitch
    Goodmitch Posts: 7
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    Why would you want to marry a guy like this, but if you love him - keep him as your partner but begin to meditate that he is your partner until someone better comes along.someone who loves you for you. Realizing you will live longer than him, he should be very careful not to offend you.
  • Delaware_Jen
    Delaware_Jen Posts: 5 Member
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    If he wasn't using your weight as an excuse, it would be something else. BTDT. Thank goodness I got rid of that guy.
  • motivatedkarma
    motivatedkarma Posts: 67 Member
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    you should lose all the weight and then leave him, find someone who will love you and want to be with you no matter what.
  • cincysweetheart
    cincysweetheart Posts: 892 Member
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    If you're "perfect otherwise"…. then he absolutely doesn't deserve you! Tell him to *@%! off and dump his sorry @$$! There is NO excuse for that kind of behavior. The hard truth is… if he really loved you… you'd be the most sexy woman on the planet to him. And you deserve someone who sees you that way.
  • RedArizona5
    RedArizona5 Posts: 465 Member
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    I don't think you need this man in your life and consider it a lesson shall we. First think beyonce's lyrics- if you liked it then you (emphasize next word) SHOULDAH put a ring on it. Like one lady said you need to walk out and get the juiciest burger you can find and then start an awesome weightloss journey where no one is breathing over your shoulders checking on you. He probably already scoped the fish tank for other fishes by now. So get in shape at your pace then when the time is right and suggest to wait a decade before you start dating. If you find someone that is actually respectful then don't make marriage a second priority but first priority and get married sooner than later. keep up your weightloss and this time don't let go. I kinda went through this but not like this and entirely different setting and used it as my lesson and i have that guy who will love me at any weight( i know because he constantly reminds me of how beautiful i was when i had love handles=D) So do this for yourself. I If you do this do not look back. separate all communication from this guy and as the others say- you should stand up on your two feet and get this done the right way next time. I have a feeling you will get this right the next round….i had been abused before and even with the one man who accepts me entirely, I still feel the past hurt even now but its gotten significantly better with healthier lifestyle choices that i make and the love and support i get. I ultimately feel you must find someone else that deserves you at who you are and only you can want that lifestyle change for yourself not to get a marriage. a marriage should be a result of love not you earning it…i pray you strength and wisdom dear
  • Serenitynow29
    Serenitynow29 Posts: 119 Member
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    Here's a reading from my wedding: “I want to love you without clutching, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, invite you without demanding, leave you without guilt, criticize you without blaming, and help you without insulting. If I can have the same from you, then we can truly meet and enrich each other.”

    There are so many things your post triggered for me. Including how my father had us gang up on my mother about her weight gainwhen we were kids. Interestingly, he was chubby. And yes, I loved him. My mother, loved him best. I don't think I could have done what she did. She took those vows seriously. I respect her for that.

    Peace,
  • turpenoid
    turpenoid Posts: 73
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    I have been with my partner for around 4 years and known him for 9 years.
    We have broached the subject of marriage many times but he has pushed it off as "it'll happen when it does" etc

    I have always struggled with my weight and currently (not at my heaviest) 84kgs / 162cm.

    Last week the topic of marriage come up again, and finally my partner told me "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself. He says he loves me but cant marry me and this weight. I wouldn't like to have a wedding at my current weight, but I don't think it should be in the way of a proposal...

    Now, normally this guy isn't a jerk and I think this has come from concern but I don't know where to from here. I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
    I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.

    Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?

    I'll start by saying I haven't read most of this thread. I saw a lot of comments talking about how if he can't love you unconditionally, then leave him. But I'm going to go the opposite and more realistic (and hopefully optimistic) route here.

    About a week and a half ago, I had a huge battle with my fiance. We've been together for three years, and engaged for two years out of that. We don't have a date set for our wedding, but we love each other tremendously. There have been things we've had to work out... as all couples do. We generally just have discussions about how we're feeling and it's very civil. This fight was about my confidence. He had basically had enough of me not loving myself. He missed seeing me wear a nice outfit because I felt embarrassed about my body. He said that he doesn't care how I look, but my attitude was bringing his mood down. My own self-loathing was taking a toll on our relationship and I was too selfish to realize it. And trust me (a thousand times over, trust me)... I was devastated to hear him say he felt less attracted to me. I cried for hours and tried to pity myself... but was I acting like the person he fell in love with? Hell no! I had let myself get to my heaviest and sat and felt sorry for myself over it. (I do not resent him over what he said and I simply will not tolerate people who say that you should leave someone for expressing concern for your well-being.)

    So that day, I sat and thought VERY critically about what I wanted from life. Did I want to keep my spare tire around my stomach and mope about out of my own stupid pride and lose the person whom I consider my partner and best friend? Or did I want to calm down, take action, and improve my fitness level and learn to love my body? I've struggled with an ED for almost a decade (and he knows that). But at a certain point, you have to take charge of your body and your own happiness. Maybe that means seeing a therapist, maybe that just means adding exercise to your lifestyle. Whatever works for you.

    I'm saying this stuff out of love. It's only taken me a week and a half to feel happier, more energetic, and to *ahem* rekindle a little of the ol' fire. I probably sound way too stern, but I wish someone had said something like this to me months ago.

    So I think that if you can say with honesty that he's a good person and a good partner, think about why he's saying this to you. He obviously loves you. People can always leave a relationship. But I don't think it's unrealistic to say that he's picked up on your discomfort with your weight struggles. I'd sit down and talk to him about exactly what YOU want for yourself and for him. If a fitness plan is part of that, great! If you need time to think, that's also great and you absolutely deserve time for yourself. And if you decide that you want out of a relationship that isn't "unconditional", remember that you control your own happiness.

    Eliminating toxic people, toxic behavior, and toxic environments from your life is not an act of selfishness. It is an act of self-care. But self-care can also mean making realizations about yourself that are difficult to make. Whatever happens, I hope you find a happy solution that makes you a more whole individual. I truly apologize if my words were hard to read, but I just want people to find a path in life that is their own.

    Love from Ohio.
  • Wonderob
    Wonderob Posts: 1,372 Member
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    . I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
    I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.

    Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?

    He sees your weight as a fault
    You see his insensitive comments as a fault

    If you really believe in unconditional love then he should accept you for who you are, even if you don't match his ideal
    But likewise, shouldn't you accept him for who he is, with his views on your weight, even if he doesn't match your ideal?
  • turpenoid
    turpenoid Posts: 73
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    . I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
    I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.

    Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?

    He sees your weight as a fault
    You see his insensitive comments as a fault

    If you really believe in unconditional love then he should accept you for who you are, even if you don't match his ideal
    But likewise, shouldn't you accept him for who he is, with his views on your weight, even if he doesn't match your ideal?

    You said quite concisely what I was thinking. Every relationship has its limits. That's healthy and human. But realizing when to compromise is key to something healthy.

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