Help! hurtful comment from partner

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  • joyfulhappyheart
    joyfulhappyheart Posts: 63 Member
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    Run.
    Run away fast.
  • Shutter_bug03
    Shutter_bug03 Posts: 35 Member
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    Wow...I'm so sorry....if it was ME, I'd lose the weight that I wanted to lose for ME, and WITHOUT him! If he can't enjoy you at your current weight, he doesn't deserve to enjoy you at a lesser weight! Think long and hard about this and follow your gut feelings -- is HE really the type of man that you want to spend your life with?? Be honest with yourself about your gut feelings.
  • stevie9960
    stevie9960 Posts: 3 Member
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    Lose the loser, and then lose the weight. DO NOT marry this man. He'll always find an excuse to manipulate you, and after 9 years, you should know this by now. Men are perfectly clear as to what they are. We just choose not to listen. Trust me, I know.
  • RekindledRose
    RekindledRose Posts: 523 Member
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    Nine years is a long time to give to someone. My personal belief is that people would have happier marriages if they didn't shack up before they got married, but our current culture encourages this. Anyway, you're an adult; you can do as you wish.

    I would suggest that you finish your degree but make sure that you don't get pregnant in the meantime. Once you're done, leave him and start a fresh life. He doesn't want to marry you or anyone else. This is a good situation for you both right now; you both have someone to have sex with, you have someone to hang out with, and you can get your degree finished. (Does that last part sound shallow? Well, who cares - do it.)

    Then find someone who loves you completely. Absolutely. Someone who's eyes light up when you enter the room, and who can't wait to hear your voice or to see your smile every day. You are absolutely beautiful, intelligent, and loving. You deserve the same thing.
  • Flutterloo
    Flutterloo Posts: 122 Member
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    Honey you do not want to marry that man. No way in hell.
  • Oi_Sunshine
    Oi_Sunshine Posts: 819 Member
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    Tell him to read this thread so he can be fully aware of how much of a manipulative jerk he is being. Then leave. Pack your stuff and get out. He has paid for enough of your wasted time.
  • booksgiver
    booksgiver Posts: 149 Member
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    Well, you've certainly received some excellent advice and I can only lend my voice to those who tell you to seriously consider moving on. I was married to man who also voiced the same concern. In fact, at age 20 when we married he asked me to promise never to get fat. I thought at the time that it was funny and my reply to him was, was "Sure, I promise to never get fat if you promise to never get bald." Fast forward 12 years and I was pregnant with our first child and I won't bore you with the details, but I got fat and he became so emotionally abusive that it broke my heart. And yes, he was also growing bald. Bottom line is that he could not deal with my changing body and as I aged he was increasingly cold, dismissive and well finally left Your current partner is actually warning you as to his future behavior if you gain more weight due to pregnancy or just over time. You're not that over weight now but can you live with this man knowing how conditional his "love" is? I now am married to a man, a wonderful loving man, who has loved me at 340 pounds and loves me still as I work to lose weight. His support is unwavering despite my disability and his devotion is complete. There is such a man for you as well, but to find him you must never settle for less than the respect that you deserve as a human being, fat or thin.
  • kirili3
    kirili3 Posts: 244 Member
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    The problem is that marriage is for life. Life can be tough. People can get sick, they can have accidents, they can decide to do difficult things and need support.

    The thing is, if he's falling at the first hurdle - i.e. he can't propose until you're at the right weight for him to be properly attracted by your body - what happens in life? Yes, there are many good things, but if you're with someone whose affection is that conditional - I will not marry you unless you are x weight - then maybe it's good to find a way to be financially independent, cut your losses and leave.

    If he thinks that he's entitled to get a particular size woman for the money he's spending on you, then he's not really the loving type. Sure, men are visual. But if he's not liking what he's seeing now (you're beautiful, by the way, unless that's somebody else in your profile pic!) then he's going to be a terrible person to grow old with.

    There are men who can love someone for their mind. Maybe the majority can't, but there are definitely (at least some?) men out there who can love another human being as more than a sex object. Better to marry one of them... At least this one's being honest about being shallow.
  • rubyrenga
    rubyrenga Posts: 402 Member
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    I'm so sorry that you've been hurt like this. It's unacceptable for him to say such a thing, no matter what he does for you. I agree with everyone else that if he has conditions, that is not true love, and it is certainly not marriage material. You deserve better, to have someone who thinks you are beautiful and everything he wants just as you are! Good luck. Just remember, there is someone out there who will adore you as is!!!
  • lil_sam28
    lil_sam28 Posts: 4
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    I don't understand why so many people are saying to OP "Don't marry this man."

    He's been "partnered" with her for 4 years (probably doing everything married people do with each other in every sense of the spirit of things) and hasn't proposed marriage.

    And the guy already flat out said he doesn't want to marry her.

    Also, and I'm pretty sure it was mentioned earlier in this very long thread, but OP joined MFP in 2010 and her first post is in this thread of hers dated 6/9/14?

    She speaks about her fatness in this thread of hers, but her photo features a tiny little blond weighing maybe 100 lbs?

    And her first post is a new topic, thought up by her, with a very fetching title "Help! hurtful comment from partner" designed to elicit sympathetic responses rife with personal information from the heartfelt respondees?

    How 'bout that :wink:

    Now I do adore and respect a good little trickster. And if this *is* one, bless her. She got us all together to discuss this touchy topic in a surprisingly civil manner. Mostly.

    But still. Lil_Sam28. I think she's a lover of internet fun :smokin:


    That is me in the pic when I joined in 2010. I am now 15kgs heavier. And it's where I am going to get back to. I've had no reason to post and I mostly do not over share on the internet. Your comments have been very unhelpful and silly in a plethora of what turned out to be a very large thread.

    To everyone else,
    Thank you everyone for taking the time out to reply with your stories and advice.
    It has confirmed my emotions are valid and I'm not over reacting. I'm going to work on me and when that's in progress maybe I'll find out what I really want from him.
  • nikifavorido
    nikifavorido Posts: 41 Member
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    A lot of outside "pressure" is coming in from his family and our friends about when we are getting married. (I try not to push it, he knew my feelings but i didn't want to ruin a surprise so I'm not constantly in his face about it) I asked him how his mother would react if he told her "my weight" was the reason we weren't married yet. He said she's slap him. But he still maintained that men are visual.






    Sorry, this was the bit I picked up on... OUTSIDE PRESSURE..... this is not helping, I'm sure. It's not up to his family or your friends as to when or if you get married. Lots of people live happily together without the pressure of marriage these days. I'm not against marriage, far from it. I'm on my 2nd! lol. Be polite to family and friends and say you will get married when YOU and HE feel the time is right,... if at all! That should help take the pressure off you both and give you both time to step back and really talk and examine the relationship. He does sound very supportive in lots of ways, for example supporting you financially whilst you are doing your course. Maybe he didn't know quite how to broach his concern about your health and just blurted it out a tad bluntly.
    We can only offer advice, but in the end, you are in the relationship, not us. x I hope you and he can talk about where things go from here and if you decide to go ahead and lose the weight... DO IT FOR YOURSELF, NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE!
    Hugs from West Wales :)
  • premiumchilenita
    premiumchilenita Posts: 600 Member
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    He might be a very nice guy, he must be if you've been with him for 4yrs but, if he wasn't into you and wanting the same thing as you, then he is not really into you, he must love the way you make him feel but he does not want you for the long run
    .
    My point of view is he is looking for a way out and if marriage is what you want and he is opting out, then he is opting out for the long haul, he is just doing it in a way that won't look bad on his behalf.

    He might be a nice guy, but he is not into you. Really sorry to say that but you sound like a person that cares, don't waste your time on people that don't.

    Many people gain weight after marriage/children. You should be sure your partner will still love you, now and then.
  • HereWeGoAgain7
    HereWeGoAgain7 Posts: 163 Member
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    One question:
    Was this the first time he has made conditions like this about anything? If he is the type of guy who always finds something to criticize then he might be emotionally abusive. If it was the first time, then it might be a painful but serious point.
    I don't see how this is different to refusing to marry a heavy smoker or alcoholic. A marriage is a long term commitment to eachother, and you're young - I don't blame him for having reservations about someone leading an unhealthy lifestyle, because in the end it won't just be you it affects if you marry him.

    I was rather amazed at how long it took before someone made this comment. As much as we would like to pretend otherwise, the choice to lose weight, get healthy, quit smoking, stop drugs, etc are all just that a CHOICE. It isn't fun, it isn't easy. He has given you an ultimatium...accept status quo on the relationship (living together but not ring at your current health level) or to lose weight and reevaluate. No where in what I read did he say "I will marry you if you lose weight" the conversation was that
    "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself.

    He is asking you very simply to respect yourself enough to take care of yourself in such a way that you will still be around later on. He is not asking you to change who you are as a person, but to take better care of yourself.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
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    I don't understand why so many people are saying to OP "Don't marry this man."

    He's been "partnered" with her for 4 years (probably doing everything married people do with each other in every sense of the spirit of things) and hasn't proposed marriage.

    And the guy already flat out said he doesn't want to marry her.

    Also, and I'm pretty sure it was mentioned earlier in this very long thread, but OP joined MFP in 2010 and her first post is in this thread of hers dated 6/9/14?

    She speaks about her fatness in this thread of hers, but her photo features a tiny little blond weighing maybe 100 lbs?

    And her first post is a new topic, thought up by her, with a very fetching title "Help! hurtful comment from partner" designed to elicit sympathetic responses rife with personal information from the heartfelt respondees?

    How 'bout that :wink:

    Now I do adore and respect a good little trickster. And if this *is* one, bless her. She got us all together to discuss this touchy topic in a surprisingly civil manner. Mostly.

    But still. Lil_Sam28. I think she's a lover of internet fun :smokin:


    That is me in the pic when I joined in 2010. I am now 15kgs heavier. And it's where I am going to get back to. I've had no reason to post and I mostly do not over share on the internet. Your comments have been very unhelpful and silly in a plethora of what turned out to be a very large thread.

    To everyone else,
    Thank you everyone for taking the time out to reply with your stories and advice.
    It has confirmed my emotions are valid and I'm not over reacting. I'm going to work on me and when that's in progress maybe I'll find out what I really want from him.

    If you are seriously going rely on what has been posted here and not actually talk to your SO then you deserve what you get. He's clearly been "emotionally supportive" of you through school. You said so yourself. He's also supporting you financially while you get a degree, and as put his own career aspirations on hold for that process. Again, you said so yourself. From your own post this is the first and only time your weight has come up. Think very carefully about the context of that conversation. Was it heated? How was his day? Yes, words matter, but so do his actions, which have clearly been supportive. Go talk to your SO. At this point, I honestly feel for the guy.
  • Hikr56
    Hikr56 Posts: 128 Member
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    I only read the first page of replies, and if you don't listen to anyone else, listen to Hail Dodger. He told you exactly as it is. YOU already know in your heart that this man doesn't deserve you. MOVE. ON.
  • Siannah
    Siannah Posts: 456 Member
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    I wonder, maybe, in a stupid man's way, he thought this might give you the motivation to get serious about the weight loss. That he thought he was helping you?
  • JennyBilyeu
    JennyBilyeu Posts: 51 Member
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    God Bless you honey. Not my place to tell you what to do. I will say this...follow your heart, follow your goals, and reach them to the best of your ability. This isn't about support, school, nothing of the sort. It's about a woman who wants to change her self image, and a man giving her an ultimatum. It seems he is saying "lose weight or I won't marry you". Don't do it for a ring. Do it for yourself. My thought is this...if he cannot marry you with you 15kg over weight, who's to say he will stay with you when you are old and gray and sag in all the wrong places? In my opinion, an ultimatum based on weight is cruel. Drugs, drinking, cheating...that's one thing. Not this. If he cannot love you unconditionally...then there's a problem bigger than your weight...if you can even call your weight a problem...
  • itsbasschick
    itsbasschick Posts: 1,584 Member
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    maybe he was trying to blackmail you into being healthier - or maybe he's being a jerk. for that matter, maybe he's trying to put off getting married, like some guys do. but i feel bad that you're with a person who could hurt your feelings while denying something important to you (and shouldn't it be important to him?) no matter what his reasons. either he didn't know that would be a hurtful thing to say (and that's a scary thought) or he didn't care. neither is a good thing :(

    my husband and i got married at my highest weight ever - 242 - and he was beaming at me during our wedding. the only thing he has ever said about my being overweight was he was concerned about my health. just one of the many reasons he's the one.
  • MegE_N
    MegE_N Posts: 245 Member
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    This would make me very nervous. I'd feel pressured, always, to maintain a good weight if it meant he would leave me otherwise. What happens if I become injured, or sick, and gain weight as a result? What happens if I'm one of those women that puts on a TON of baby weight? Is he going to go find a skinny woman and say 'Well it's your own fault'? I guess I just don't like the idea of someone having that power over me.

    I still say that you should ask yourself if you want to marry him, and sign up for a life of this attitude, of being the one in a relationship feeling threatened and unsure that HE might leave YOU. I couldn't live under that stress and fear. I don't really think that could ever create a healthy living environment.

    Also, 15KG is not that much weight in the grand scheme of things. If you were fluctuating between 130LBS and 230LBS I could see the issue, but through the course of your life you will gain and lose 15KG. I think the people on here saying 'Well he's being honest and he's right and he has a right to not be attracted to you' are imagining that you're bloating up quite a bit, when the truth is you just aren't. If the difference in your marriage is 15KG, that's a very fine line to spend a lifetime teetering on.
  • blondageh
    blondageh Posts: 923 Member
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    So sad. :-( I haven't read all the comments. But that is just so sad. Since you have been with him for 4 years already, you probably are likely to stick with him, lose weight and continue to work always try to work on yourself to make him happy. Always falling short, and making yourself miserable doing so. I HOPE and PRAY this is not the case, that you find the strength and peace to leave him and find someone who appreciates YOU for all your beauty fat or thin. If you want to lose weight, do it for you. Don't ever do it to for a man. The pressure to keep it off for someone else will leave you resentful. That is no way to live and have a life together.

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