Stepchild acts like she doesn't want me around

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  • fullersun35
    fullersun35 Posts: 162 Member
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    My stepdaughter is a different kettle of fish. Her routine hasn't changed, and she gets more time with her dad now than she done before. She also doesn't get popped from one relative to another and then on to a babysitter while her dad works: so everything has became more settled for her, and she actually gets to go places like swimming, brownies, have friends in after school etc.

    Her routine is completely different. Instead of relatives and babysitters, she now has to deal with a 21 year old playing the role of parent. She probably has way more adjusting to do than the 3 yr old who won't remember most of it.
  • Mikkimeow
    Mikkimeow Posts: 1,282 Member
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    Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?

    That might have something to do with it.

    YES! I knew I remember seeing something from her before! Yeah....that poor child .... she is a good judge of character. Just sayin.

    What, what? Does someone have the link to this? Wow, if this is true, I feel for that poor little girl.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    Wow. Just wow.

    Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.

    How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.

    How dare you lot say that she is to young, or not ready or basically has no right? Like really how rude. So many rude people here.

    Ohhhh the irony
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
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    I agree with the too young assessments, and if the statement about getting married on her mother's anniversary is true.. that's downright wrong and insensitive.

    As for her... she's 8? She could also be moving into pre-puberty, where emotions are all over the map. It doesn't excuse rude behavior, but it could explained a heightened responsiveness to everything emotional.

    Try to be sensitive to her, don't push her, and see if you can both get counselling.

    If you're already contemplating ending the relationship "for her sake", I am sorry to hear that you found it out AFTER you've already injected so much change into their lives.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    Wow. Just wow.

    Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.

    How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.

    How dare you lot say that she is to young, or not ready or basically has no right? Like really how rude. So many rude people here.

    ...


    wow
  • CleanUpWhatIMessedUp
    CleanUpWhatIMessedUp Posts: 206 Member
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    (1) I am glad you are stopping to consider the child before you marry the father. A lot of couples don't do this and then the children from previous relationships end up hating the new parent and they are stuck living with them for the next few years of their life and it kind of ruins their childhood. Knowing that when you get home there is going to be someone that you don't like there is a pain.

    (2) I'm not going to say that you're too young. If it were an average situation I might say that, but everybody is different and some people mature faster than others. Plenty of people have gotten married before the age of 25 and had marriages that survived. So, I don't blame the situation on your age.

    (3)The thing that will work best in a situation like this is having your fiancee talk to her and find out why she is behaving this way around you. He should be firm, but listen to what the child has to say. I suspect this may have something to do with the fact that her mother died and with the upcoming marriage she probably sees that you are stepping into that role and is rebelling. It happens all the time. If that is the case, she may very well need to speak with a professional about that.
  • jlynnm70
    jlynnm70 Posts: 460 Member
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    I think that even though she isn't your step-daughter yet - you are looking at the fact that she will be. I won't say a word about your age, how fast or slow things have gone - because that isn't what this is about.

    Yes - you are a parent figure in the house -and it is hard when you are combining families. She really hasn't had a mom - and now you will be one to her - it's new territory for her. She has a whole new relationship to deal with that isn't something she is used to. When I moved in with my husband - his son didn't like the fact that I was now there permanently. Even though we moved to a nuetral apartment (it wasn't his or mine, but ours) he didn't want to share the time with his dad, he didn't want to share his space (he would get into and destroy things that were mine or my daughters), It took a LONG time. He was 6 when I came into his life, and I had the issue that his mom was still around and undermining things constantly (saying things like "she isn't your mom, you don't have to listen to her" etc.) I may not have been his mom, but it was still my house, Sorry there are rules everywhere - mom's, grandma's, dad's, school, daycare, wherever. It made things even more difficult. Hopefully her mother's family isn't doing that to you too. Because that can make it harder.

    Take some time, one on one with her - find something that you two can do together - maybe a girls day and go get nails done, go to the park, out to lunch - something - get to be with just her - see if she will talk to you about it in a place where she feeling like she is competing or threatened by your son, or her dad and you can give her your FULL attention. Let her know you love her and care about her.

    A blended family takes time - be very very patient.
  • pinkraynedropjacki
    pinkraynedropjacki Posts: 3,027 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    Wow. Just wow.

    Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.

    How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.

    How dare you lot say that she is to young, or not ready or basically has no right? Like really how rude. So many rude people here.

    Ohhhh the irony


    yes the irony... perhaps you would like a mirror.
  • sillygoosie
    sillygoosie Posts: 1,109 Member
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    You call her a stepchild, but you're already talking about splitting up because of her behavior towards you. My guess is that she can tell you aren't 100% committed. Please think more about her feelings than yours. She's a kid that has had a really rough start in life.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    from someone who married (and divorced) young, I completely agree. Slow this down, OP.
  • onecatleadstoanother
    onecatleadstoanother Posts: 70 Member
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    Her life has changed in a huge way and she's probably not feeling that that's being recognized. She has a mother figure, a little brother, and her dad has a new woman in his life. It's hard to meld families, especially when she's lost her mom. Give it time, she's probably jealous, confused, grieving and overwhelmed by the changes. 8 years is a long time to be solo with her dad. I personally would never recommend ending a relationship so that the child has fewer reasons to misbehave - at some point she's going to move out and go to school and her dad can't put his whole life on hold until then. Just give her time.
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    Wow. Just wow.

    Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.

    How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.

    How dare you lot say that she is to young, or not ready or basically has no right? Like really how rude. So many rude people here.

    for the record...

    a) she asked for advice and opinions
    b) none of what he said was rude. it was straight and to the point, and kindly worded
    c) no need to take up the OPs offense.
  • JTick
    JTick Posts: 2,131 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    Wow. Just wow.

    Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.

    How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.

    How dare you lot say that she is to young, or not ready or basically has no right? Like really how rude. So many rude people here.

    My parents were married when they were 19, and are still together almost 30 years later. You know what they have told me? Not to get married that young. That if they were to go back and do it again, they would have waited a while. That doesn't mean they would've broken up, but rather that they were SO young and SO financially unstable and still changing so much that they wish they had waited.
  • Cranquistador
    Cranquistador Posts: 39,744 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    Wow. Just wow.

    Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.

    How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.

    How dare you lot say that she is to young, or not ready or basically has no right? Like really how rude. So many rude people here.

    ...


    wow
    christmas9.gif
  • pinkraynedropjacki
    pinkraynedropjacki Posts: 3,027 Member
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    Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?

    That might have something to do with it.

    I am sure the father would have said ok to the date as well... kinda hard to get married without the other half.
  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    Agreed. I think you'll regret getting married so young. Especially with the problems you seem to have. You've posted before about your issues with this relationship. These should serve as red flags to you. Sorry. I wish you the best, but I do think you're making a huge mistake and need to give things more time.
  • tabitha2770
    tabitha2770 Posts: 60 Member
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    I would have to agree with people when they say you are to young to get married. I think that we change so much in our 20s its very hard to stay connected with someone especially someone that is that much older. That being said though, we don't know you or the type of person that you are. I think your step daughter or soon to be step daughter has been through a lot in her life and only having her dad as the main person in her life is probably extremely hard on her when someone new comes along. Having been through a tough childhood myself, I would suggest therapy also. Therapy is a great way for kids and adults to talk with someone neutral and find that other person to bond in that will listen. If anything it might help her learn to manage her moods. It wouldn't hurt to try this and see how it goes.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?

    That might have something to do with it.

    I am sure the father would have said ok to the date as well... kinda hard to get married without the other half.

    Indeed. Shocking isn't it? They both lack basic emotional intelligence.
  • chelseababy22
    chelseababy22 Posts: 81 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.


    Unfortunately, I also have to agree with this. I am your age and I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We have agreed to wait for marriage at least another 3 years. We know we love each other want to be together. I have a promise ring from him- and we have gone four years with the same feelings- and I doubt another 3 will do any harm.. I think you need to wait. You have not even been with him long enough to say "forever" and you surely should not be calling his daughter your "step daughter" Just because you have a child does not mean you should be playing house and getting married so young.. and if an 8 year old little girl is causing you to contemplate your relationship.. just proves your age.. Sorry.. I hope that you feel better and you are able to get things under control

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