Stepchild acts like she doesn't want me around

The fact that her maternal grandparents and family are talking about you is pretty sad. Would your fiancé be willing to sit down with them and let them know that it is unacceptable? If they are feeding her insecurities than it could be harder for her to start trusting you.

From what was said by her grandparents tonight it seems like the main catalyst is her mother's sister and mum. When she doesn't see them then she is perfectly fine - however she normally goes at the weekend (they try to insist they have rights to this and told my partner they'd take him to court if he stopped) and then until about Wednesday acts that way with me, come Thursday time everything is settled and then it starts again.

I highly doubt they would get anywhere with a judge so tell them to bring it on. Maybe they need to lose their visitation rights unless they keep their opinions to themselves. Kind of harsh, but they sound like they are trying to keep her from moving on with her life.

I know this has been said a million times, but therapy could seriously help this girl. It'll give her someone to talk to, who won't try and force their opinion on her. It'll allow her time and space to form her own opinion, and allow her to develop the ability to stand up for herself and think for herself.

Good luck to all of you, dear.

Thank you, and you are quite possibly right.

From what was said by her grandparents tonight it seems like the main catalyst is her mother's sister and mum. When she doesn't see them then she is perfectly fine - however she normally goes at the weekend (they try to insist they have rights to this and told my partner they'd take him to court if he stopped) and then until about Wednesday acts that way with me, come Thursday time everything is settled and then it starts again.

It sounds like the aunt and grandma don't think that the husband should move on (or maybe they feel he's moved on too quickly?). Whatever their issue is, shame on them for attempting to force them onto a child. Adults are sometimes more childish and petty than children are.

I give you props for handling it like an adult, and doing your best to stay calm. I don't believe that age says everything about a person's maturity or intelligence, so keep on truckin' in the direction that you feel is best for EVERYONE.

I would say, don't give up on the child though. She may be acting out, but imagine how she'd feel if you left. She'd probably feel like she was the issue and that she wasn't good enough for you to stick around and try to be with her dad. She'd feel guilty that the reason her dad wasn't happy anymore would be her actions.

If you love this man, and you love being a part of his family, stay. Work through it, and hopefully you can lead by example to show her what a strong, smart woman looks and acts like, rather than the petty and jealous examples that she currently seems to have elsewhere in her life.

Again, I wish you all the best in the world.

I got married at 22, a year out of college. I was pregnant at the time. I have no regrets about having our beautiful son, but 22 was WAY too young to get married. I grew so much as a person in my 20's and my husband and I grew in different directions. I wasn't even old enough to understand what I wanted out of marriage at 22. We got divorced when I was 32.

I got remarried at 36 and we blended families. It is HARD work and there are so many dynamics at play that you can't even imagine.

A few things jumped out at me in your posts:
1) You are comparing your son to this little girl. The subtext is that your son is better because he had more upheaval than she did (in your opinion) yet he is nice to everyone and she is not. You may not realize it, but comparing like that will not help your relationship with this little girl. She is not "bad" and your son is not "better". They are both just kids trying to deal with a crazy hand they've been dealt.
2) An eight year old is in NO POSITION to make decisions about adult matters!!!! Asking her if she minded having the wedding on her mother's death date is treating her like she's an adult. She should not be put in a position of making adult decisions of any kind, including anything about your marriage. She's eight and can't possibly know how to understand and manage her feelings about all of this. She should also not have to be put in the middle of you and her mother's family. As others have said, the fact that you and your boyfriend actually considered marrying on that day hints at a severe lack of emotional sensitivity/good judgement. It suggests that you put your wants and needs ahead of what is best for that little girl.
3) What if your boyfriend allowed another girlfriend to live with him and you had to share time with this other woman? You would be insanely jealous. This little girl has to tolerate another woman coming into her life and she now has to share her one and only parent with this woman (you) now. Of course she is going to be jealous and angry and sad. She may never accept you. That is something you need to consider. Can you handle that? Are you able to put your ego aside and love her unconditionally anyway? It will take a lot of patience, compassion and understanding to make it work.
4) The relationship your son has with his biological father should still be respected. Having your son call your boyfriend "Dad" is truly problematic on so many levels. Your son has a dad who is still in his life. That's who he calls dad. Find another name for your boyfriend that does not create conflicts of loyalty between your son, your son's father, and your boyfriend.

Having said all of this, I STRONGLY suggest you and your boyfriend get therapy. The children don't need it. YOU guys need it. The kids are reacting to what is going on in their life, the majority of which is being dictated by you and your guy. The "family system" that the kids are living in is complex in all blended families and you and your boyfriend will learn how to parent your kids in a more effective way in therapy. I think that will give you the best shot of making things work.

I wish you luck!

Honestly, I think she's a normal kid trying to adjust and growing up in the process. Do you remember being about her age? Hormones are a pain.

Unless she's being outright nasty or disrespectful to you or your son, let her be moody brat. Keep communications open with your finance and be polite to her -- but don't try to hard. You don't need her approval. If she needs corrected, let your partner do it. Most likely she doesn't like the situation but cannot articulate why. She likely needs to be talking to a neutral person.

She isn't nasty, but can be disrespectful. For example, I ask if she has homework and she'll say no but when her dad comes home and asks if it's done she'll get it out and do it; or when I remind the kids to put their clothes into the washing baskets when they get changed into their jammies, she'll leave them on the floor until her dad tells her to do it.

Nothing to do with discipline at all, and if anything does happen where she oversteps the mark then my partner will decide on the consequences, not me.

Honestly, this sounds totally normal happenings in a blended family. Actually any family. It's her age and the situation.

Honestly, I think she's a normal kid trying to adjust and growing up in the process. Do you remember being about her age? Hormones are a pain.

Unless she's being outright nasty or disrespectful to you or your son, let her be moody brat. Keep communications open with your finance and be polite to her -- but don't try to hard. You don't need her approval. If she needs corrected, let your partner do it. Most likely she doesn't like the situation but cannot articulate why. She likely needs to be talking to a neutral person.

She isn't nasty, but can be disrespectful. For example, I ask if she has homework and she'll say no but when her dad comes home and asks if it's done she'll get it out and do it; or when I remind the kids to put their clothes into the washing baskets when they get changed into their jammies, she'll leave them on the floor until her dad tells her to do it.

Nothing to do with discipline at all, and if anything does happen where she oversteps the mark then my partner will decide on the consequences, not me.

Honestly, this sounds totally normal happenings in a blended family. Actually any family. It's her age and the situation.

If it were just the odd occassion then I'd be inclined to agree: I remember how my sister was with my dad. However, anything I ask her to do gets brushed under the carpet and ignored. Anything.

Be it homework; getting ready; picking up clothes; picking up a toy; putting her tights back in a drawer; asking her not to bang about my sons room in the morning for a towel (the cupboard is in his room); to putting on suncream etc.
In fact, I don't actually ask that much of her out with basic stuff that anyone who looks after her asks after school.

She even opened the car door, on a motorway. Her father and grandparents don't have child locks on the side she sits at, so I afforded her the same respect. She opened the bloody door while going the national speed limit to "see what I'd do".

So that bolded part... how does that fit with

She isn't nasty, but can be disrespectful.

She either has a behavioral problem or she doesn't. Opening a door while the car is move is disrespectful of your life and safety. That needs addressed in a serious way. Not by you, not by your husband, but by a therapist.

Everything else you have mentioned points to she resents you. It's all normal.

Sigh.

Not a day goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars that I was raised in a two parent household comprised of a married mother and father. From the get go. Regardless of all its imperfections and all the mistakes.

My parents were decent enough to lay this foundation and work within its parameters. And I'm sure it involved plenty of self control and self sacrafice.

Thank you Mother and Father. They don't make ''em like you anymore.

A little insensitive, don't you think? This thread is about a blended family that is not by choice, but by death. Pretty hard to be 'decent enough' and 'lay a foundation and work within its parameters' of a married mother and father when one of the parents has passed away, don't you think?

OP- I agree with the comment from earlier regarding how cool and collective you've been through all of this. You sound like a wonderful, rational person. I'm sorry the MFP patrol unloaded on you. My initial reaction was 'sounds like a typical 8 year old girl to me!', but after reading about the maternal family's lovely interjections, I have to say, her actions are very likely based upon their input. It sucks. I've seen it a lot with divorced families- kids will go visit the non-custodial parent, come home acting like complete turds, takes a few days to wear off, and then just when they get back to 'normal' again, it's time for another visit.

You guys sound strong. You'll make it work Good luck to you!

That may be a good idea. He is a very smart man, and has some great advice to give.


I am totally in support of doing everything you can to keep the family unit intact. But if you look back 40 years ago, when "families" were the norm, and it was a big no no to split... how many more wives were abused? how many more children? how many husbands were smacked around and tormented by their wives? how many kids grew up in families where the parents screamed at them or at each other day in and day out?

Now the family breaks up. And in many cases, while they hurt from the split.. the kids and the parents have an opportunity to be healthier in the end.

There are many cases where some marriages SHOULD have stayed together, and many cases where some marriages and families were healthier apart. Who are you to judge what is right for everyone else?

You were fortunate to have a family that stuck together. Not everyone has that luxury.

I've read this thread from the beginning. The gist of it is: a young single woman with a very young son *moved* *in* with a widower with a young daughter very shortly after meeting him.

I don't see how this benefits anyone and by the descriptions contained herein by the OP herself, indeed no one is being benefited by this arrangement.

And I don't see how this sort of flying-by-the-seat-of-our-pants cohabitation scheme constitutes a family, even a blended one. This is my opinion and I know it flies in the face of the more commonly voiced opinions here at MFP. But when I touch upon subjects like these on the threads and voice my unpopular opinion, I get a lot of PMs voicing agreement.

Also I disagree with the term step-daughter. If she were to be married to the man, the term step-daughter would be applicable. Not before.

As far as judgment goes, I'll leave it up to the professionals. Basically every study done indicates that children raised in two parent married households do better in every area of life.

While it's true, children don't choose their circumstances, adults *do* choose for them. So it's not luck on behalf of parents or future parents. It's choice.

By adults, I think a better effort could be made to make *choices* that consider the long term benefit of the children who get dragged into the world. Setting up a structure beforehand by choosing *spouses* *carefully* *before* pregnancy, taking vows and taking them seriously is the key to the long term benefit of children and the adults they become. That has nothing to do with luck. Although, yes. Children born to parents such as these are lucky in the most basic regards.

I chose *not* to have children because my personal opportunities were not as fortunate as my parents'. As lucky as *I* was to be born to a married mother and father who were committed to providing for their children while they could, my parents weren't rolling the dice. They very intentionally set it up that way. And society at the time reinforced that - for all the right reasons. And my parents waited until they were in their 30s to be in that position. At the time that was old to be undertaking first time marriage and children.

Going back to my own childlessness, at least as practical terms dictate, the security I knew would not have been known to a child of mine due to radical changes in culture and economy corresponding to when I was born and raised. So there is no child. No sentimentalism inferred.

The way I see it. Having a child is more a responsibility than a right.

I married young... I had just turned 22 and my husband turned 28 two weeks later. We dated, and got engaged and got married way too quickly. We were very involved in church, and were "waiting for marriage" before we moved in together, before we were intimate. The pressure was huge to get married, and he pressed it because I had been talking about going to college out of province. He was worried that if I went away, I wouldn't come back.

So after much discussion, I gave up the idea of college out of province, stayed home and got married.

In retrospect, I should have waited. I should have gone to that college and gotten my second degree. I should have figured out who I was. Could have. Should have. I made mistakes.

But my life choices also brought the most amazing two little ladies into my life - and for that, it was all worth it.

I agree with you, that society tends to forget about the kids - when we jump into relationships, and jump out of them. As parents, we need to put those children first. Always.

There is a lot of what you said that I agree with. It is certainly NOT what I read in what you first wrote, so I appreciate the clarification.

I have never liked the term "step". Ever. They are children. They are family. To preface that with the word "step" seems to consciously add a blocker into the relationship.

I wish that things could have worked out differently for my kids. It was the hardest decision I ever made, breaking apart the family unit. And I did not do it lightly. As no one should.

And once kids are in the picture... all things should be very carefully considered before trying to introduce a new unit into the picture. Because if it fails.. again... the devastation to the kids (hell everyone!) can be enormous.