Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.
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I am going to take this to a new level because I did read all of these pages.... leave this man immediately... do not pass go... do not wait...
Sooooooo, I do this because it is important and not because I am part of the usual "you should do everything this way" crowd... a couple of things pop out at me here in a vast RED ALERT...
1. is the unhappiness he has with your body parts that are not solved with losing weight
2. The issue with the children...
The ONLY men I have ever experienced that have made statements like "I wish it was just you and me" ended up being less than ideal. One of those was my stepfather for over 10 years. He molested me since the age of 6 until I was 15 when I finally told my mother... his reason to her for doing it... "I just wanted you to myself so it would run her off"... that statement you made sent my alarm bells going off...
While most may see my paragraph there as unnecessary.. I don't think so. I volunteer regularly to young/teenage girls to overcome this. It has been my way of coping for many years
I can freely talk about my past because I am not ashamed of it; however, I know when my gut is sending me alerts I better listen.
You better listen to your instincts with eyes wide open... he does NOT love you.. what he has said to you about your body and/or your children is NOT love in any capacity... I worry about the steps he will be take to be "just you and me" .....
Sorry to bring that point up
ETA: My husband is a stepfather to my first child and he has NEVER treated her any differently and loves her like his own... THAT is what love is about...
Wow!! Just wow!
My girlfriend of four years has 3 children. They are fantastic children, and I love them to death!! Their father is to busy being a playboy and trying to look like a GQ model. So Im there for them every single day! I knew what I was getting into from the beginning , she told me " I'm a package deal" lol. The kids say things to their mom like "why can't dad be like Caesar" I wish Caesar was our real dad"; it breaks my heart, but she tells them he is your real dad! A father is more then just a sperm donor!
Agreed and sorry to make you wow... as I said.. my radar went off with alarms blazing... I have heard that statement way too much in my life and it doesn't end well.. for anyone...0 -
Do it for yourself first! And then don't look at healthy living in months and days! Just commit yourself to that day, with whatever time you can spare 10, 20 30 min etc.. With 4 kiddos its hard to find 30 minutes let alone an hour. Just don't do it for anyone but yourself, For me I took a long hard look at myself in a FULL length mirror(naked) UGH.... I didn't like what I saw, yes even cried; But I did shake the feeling sorry for myself and went to work on me. I have just hit my 60 days on P90X and I feel great. You just have to push yourself through those days of feeling blue. You can do it!!!! You can add me if you want. 0
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All of the children that you grew in your womb are half-siblings, not step-siblings.
Half is related by some blood.
Step is related by no blood.
My two children are half siblings, but we don't use the term 'half' in our household. We use "brother" and "sister" and that's it.
Also, your boyfriend is a douche. Your relationship issues go way beyond calorie counting and I feel sorry for your children. No male role model would be better than their current male role model.0 -
If my husband said these things when I wanted to get into shape that would have been terribly demotivating, I think this man is trying to demotivate you. I said I needed to join a local gym and he said we would figure out the budget to make room for it. So I did. I said I need to have more accurate nutrition data, he got a food scale. He helps me cook healthier meals and we are both healthier for it. THIS is how someone should motivate you, not by saying bad things about your body.
This times a million! This is what a good partner does.0 -
Hi everyone,
this is my second attempt to lose weight and get back in shape. Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive!
He loves my personality and my "beautiful" face other than that... my physical appearance is an eye sore. I have 4 kids, I'm the biggest i've ever been!
His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.
I need help! I need to get fit!
I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
Oh my gosh! I know my husband has felt that way about me, probably does even right now (lol) but I would just die if he said it to me... You have had FOUR children. How dare he say that, even if you asked. Sometimes you ask knowing the answer but wanting to hear something else (or at least I do, woman thing? haha).
You can't do it for him. You have to do it for you. Do it to feel better. Do it for confidence and self worth. Start small with excercise, work your way up... best of luck. And you are beautiful!0 -
when i read the op i though to myself, hey thats actually a pretty healthy relationship where you two can be honest with each other even though it can hurt but as a i read more and more...yeah this guy is pretty horrible. If after a year plus he wont except your kids he neverwill and will treat them like trash. the things he says about your body isnt right. Normally i would say work it but with the kids involved just move on. Just my two cents0
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Guy's a jerk...0
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She has her 3 kids from a previous relationship, he has a daughter from a previous relationship; together they have a baby. Do you know that he had the audacity to say that her 3 kids were not full brother and sisters to their baby? And that his daughter was the "true" sibling to their baby? She is the mom!! Those 4 children came out of her womb! They are all true brothers and sisters! Just because her kids don't have his last name doesn't make them less of a sibling!! If anything his daughter is the true stepn sister that came from another woman. The dude has major control issues! After learning of what he's all about, and looking at his obnoxious picture, makes me wish I could just punch him in the mouth lol!
You've been amazing in this thread.0 -
First of all you've got to do this for you not for him, no matter how much you love him.
Here is a ginormous brain dump... I'm sure all the other MFPers are sick of seeing this already, but it's what helped me so I like to share it....
The good news is you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be better.
++Track for a week or two before worrying about losing. This way you'll see where you really stand, odds are it is different than where you thought you were, which is actually good news...
++Be scrupulously honest... you can lie to your friends, you can lie in your diary, you can lie to yourself, but YOUR BODY KNOWS EVERYTHING YOU EAT. So you might as well be honest in your diary (keep it private if you like) but you need that info because you can't get where you are going if your are not honest about where you are right now.
++See where you can make small changes on things that aren't so important to you.
(Don't even think of taking chocolate out of my diet!!!)
--Reducing quantities
--Swapping out things instead of eliminating them.
++Focus on what you should eat not what your shouldn't.
Eating your nutritious foods first. Your body will be more satisfied and have less cravings.
++Small sustainable changes.
If you completely revamp your diet, it's way easy to revert to old ways in times of stress. (and who doesn't have stress?)
If you make a series of small changes, food still offers you some sense of comfort, sort of a comfort continuum, and after a while the first small changes will seem comforting in themselves. Also rather than having to think about everything all the time. You only have to think about a 2 or 3 new things to focus on.
++Rather than being uberstrict with the target MFP set for me. (I swear this saved my life.) I was happier once I gave myself a range:
ROCK BOTTOM: 1200 cal
TARGET: MFP Calories for lose 1 lb a week (when that hit 1200 I changed to lose 1/2 lb per week)
TOP OF RANGE: Maintain Calories for my GOAL Weight.
(SAFETY VALVE: Maintain Calories for CURRENT Weight - remember to keep updating this number as you lose)
++Only worry about it 1 lb at a time.
Forget I *NEED* to lose 20, 30, 50, 100 lbs. I'm only worried about 1 lb the next one. I'll worry about the others later.
Once I found ways to lessen the stress, I found it way easier to focus on the process and let the results follow. (It's what worked for me some people need the stress to get them motivated. Me I get scared and overwhelmed and don't see the big goal as achievable. )
++Think of losing weight like the stock market. Yes, there will be fluctuations but as long as the overall trend is the the right direction don't worry
Food is not the enemy. You need nutrition to fuel your body and make it strong. and healthy just feels so damn good.
Most vitamins are fat soluable... so remember to include plant and fish based fats (HAPPY FATS) so you can access the nutrients in your food.
All of your foods fall into 1 or more of 3 macro nutrient categories
FATS • CARBS • PROTEINS ... I personally think it's unwise to severely restrict any one of these categories.
Instead of eliminating or limiting quantity focus on the quality...
HAPPY FATS (Plant and fish bases)
COMPLEX CARBS (un or minimally processed)
LEAN PROTEINS
Oddly enough, on my journey here I've reduced guilt over food.
I have the occasional treat and I fully enjoy it with no guilt involved.
The thing is since I'm not eating crap all the time, now the occasional treat is just that a TREAT it's special and I enjoy it so much more than when I was unconsciously shovel junk food into my face.
This is exactly what I did and It works.0 -
If your bf doesn't love you at your "worst" he most CERTAINLY doesn't deserve you at your best. You need to do this for YOU and YOU alone. Yes, do it for your kids, yes, your hubby/bf will benefit by your self confidence gain, but sorry, he sounds like a douche nozzle for even saying that to you. YES he should make her feel good about who she is. PERIOD. This comes from a happily married 8 years, together for 13 years couple. My hubby has always told me he "doesn't mind" those extra rolls as long as I am "into" our intimate relationship. I know OBVIOUSLY he is more attracted to my more fit body (which has more to do with my confidence), BUT, the fact that he loves me no matter what, made me realize I am worth it for ME. I don't NEED to change for HIM! Our relationship can only improve when I improve me, but I know we are still ok if I stay just the way I am. Seriously. He's a douche nugget. Can't get over it.
This right here is what its about! You hit it right on the head! I personally think its not about just the weight, I think her relationship may be in trouble..
YES YES YES YES ^^^0 -
If my husband said these things when I wanted to get into shape that would have been terribly demotivating, I think this man is trying to demotivate you. I said I needed to join a local gym and he said we would figure out the budget to make room for it. So I did. I said I need to have more accurate nutrition data, he got a food scale. He helps me cook healthier meals and we are both healthier for it. THIS is how someone should motivate you, not by saying bad things about your body.
This times a million! This is what a good partner does.
I agree. Some of the earlier comments about, "honesty is how you motivate someone, what's wrong with what he said?" must have been coming from very emotionally immature people. There are many ways to MOTIVATE people--the examples you gave--being proactive and encouraging, are those. You do NOT motivate people by making them feel like ****. However, I am glad some people realized that he was being an ahole with further details. I guess.0 -
I'd be telling hubs to go fh, but that's me
Yup, pretty much0 -
I need help! I need to get fit!
I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
The first thing you have to fix is in your last sentence. Nutrition, what you eat is the number one thing. My advise is, log everything that you put in your mouth. And learn to weight and measure everything you eat.
Most people give up because they over do it. Going from McDonalds and pizza`s everyday to, broccoli and turkey and going to the gym can be over whelming. So take baby steps, it can`t and won`t happen over night.
But the good news is, there is people here that has lost huge amounts of weight, find them, talk to them, they will help you!
Best of luck.
QFT
Good luck, and make sure you do this for you.0 -
Your husband should be honest, no matter how much it hurts it is better than being lied too. First I would say maybe get a subscription to like Women's Health magazine, you can learn a lot from it, plus they have very good motivational stories in it. I would start your journey with trying to eat better and lose some weight before you exercise just so your body adjusts. If you have never worked out before you can actually gain in the beginning because your body is not used to burning a lot of calories. Plus food is honestly like 90% of people's weight problems. Good luck in your weight loss journey 0
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anyone else responding to this really needs to read the whole thread... it isn't about weight loss at all... boyfriend is a douche waffle...0
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Don't ever try to change yourself for someone else, including weight loss. Only make changes you want to fulfill your goals or make you a healthier person.0
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I've never said this before, but based on the OP's side of the story (I'd be horrified to hear his side at this point), the best thing for everyone involved would be for the boyfriend to get hit by a bus. The parts about the kids is disgusting, so I can't say I think highly of the OP either. By putting up with it, she becomes part of the problem.0
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ACKK, I just glanced at some of the posts before this page and did not realize this guys seems like a big jerk!0
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This is such a sad and depressing thread. I want to give advice but OP will do whatever she likes regardless. All I can say is I wish the best to you OP and especially to your young children. :brokenheart:0
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Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?
He shouldn't have even gone there. Now she's gonna go try and lose weight, might fail, and there he will be with his honesty and it will be her fault that "he's not attracted to her."
What if she asked him?
Not then either. For her own sake as well. What if she fails?
So your solution is for him to just lie about it.
Answer my question. If she fails, what good is his honesty for their marriage?
Honesty is always better than lying.
Lying isn't always wrong. Not saying everything that bounces around in your head out loud isn't always wrong.
When its an important conversation like this....lying is ALWAYS wrong.0 -
Oy. How much of the grocery shopping/child rearing/house cleaning is he doing? Are you able to get 7-9 uninterrupted hours of sleep a night (necessary for weight loss)? Does he pay for gym membership and ensure that you are able to get to the gym every day?
You had 4 kids. That's a lot of trauma on the body. I know that Dan Savage has trained everyone to think that their sexual desires are necessities, but if he is sticking you with all the childrearing work and complaining that you don't look like a Victoria's Secret model, then he's just an entitled, selfish, deluded asshat.
*Edit: I read back in this thread and read your clarifications about your relationship. You can do better. Your BF is emotionally abusive and an asshat. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Your BF deserves a karma colonic.0 -
You're kind of a jerk, eh?
What if she doesn't fail?Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?
He shouldn't have even gone there. Now she's gonna go try and lose weight, might fail, and there he will be with his honesty and it will be her fault that "he's not attracted to her."
What if she asked him?
Not then either. For her own sake as well. What if she fails?
What if she does...fail.0 -
Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?
He shouldn't have even gone there. Now she's gonna go try and lose weight, might fail, and there he will be with his honesty and it will be her fault that "he's not attracted to her."
What if she asked him?
Not then either. For her own sake as well. What if she fails?
So your solution is for him to just lie about it.
Answer my question. If she fails, what good is his honesty for their marriage?
Honesty is always better than lying.
Lying isn't always wrong. Not saying everything that bounces around in your head out loud isn't always wrong.
Correction** Lying is ALWAYS wrong. The idea of a "lie" is that it is NOT Truth... therefore inaccurate or wrong. Honesty in Marriage is the key to having a successful one.0 -
=/
I'm glad for his honesty but that sucks.
You can do it this time, I believe and props for 4 kids. I hope to have some someday0 -
After reading the entire thread, I can say it reminds me so much of my previous relationship. He always made me feel insecure about myself and told me repeatedly how unattractive he found me. And I said the same thing "he treats me right." This is not treating you right and it is never ok! You are so pretty! And no one should ever make you feel bad about yourself and tell you that you need to change physical things about yourself to find you attractive. You can't be molded into what he wants you to be. Luckily I ended the relationship and I feel so much better about myself. I looked at some pictures of when I was with him and I looked so unhappy and so down. I now have a new relationship with someone who tells me I am beautiful every day even when I don't think so myself. He is very fit and goes to the gym 5-6 times a week and not once has it occurred him to tell me he wants me lose weight. I want to lose the weight for me, mainly to fit into cute clothing and wear a bathing suit without feeling embarrassed . I do want to look good for my boyfriend and there is nothing wrong in wanting to look good for your significant other. However, like a previous commenter said, he does not deserve you at your best and it should be because you want to do it not because he is telling to do it.. I really wish you the best of luck!0
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when i read the op i though to myself, hey thats actually a pretty healthy relationship where you two can be honest with each other even though it can hurt but as a i read more and more...yeah this guy is pretty horrible. If after a year plus he wont except your kids he neverwill and will treat them like trash. the things he says about your body isnt right. Normally i would say work it but with the kids involved just move on. Just my two cents
I was the same way. I was actually ready to defend him. Until I read more of the thread. Slowly, it started to unravel.
I doubt the guy's a psychopath by actual definition of the term, but he seems to be - at least a little - narcissistic. Seriously. Telling her children that they're not real brothers and sisters? Yikes. I have a half brother. He is as much my brother as my sisters are my sisters! And if anyone ever told me otherwise, I'd kick them in the knee.0 -
I hope that he is helping you along this journey. I suppose it happens (I'm not married) but hopefully he's willing to be an inspiration for you and leading you and your family to be healthier...not skinnier. 0
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I love the douche waffle comment, my favorite thing to call someone like her husband is douche bag!0
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Hi there,
I would encourage you to focus on diet (eating something small every few hours)....looking at your body like a car that needs fuel to be able to run properly and get the job done With 4 kids you NEED the best fuel possible to get though your day and to have enough left over for a little exercise. Diet is 75-80 percent of it and the rest is exercise.
Maybe start out slow with a walk in the am to rev up your metabolism if you're able and/or a walk in the evening after dinner? Once you start to see results you'll be motivated to do more!
Wishing you success.
The race doesn't always go to the swiftest!0
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