Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.

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  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
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    This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.

    I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
    I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    oh wow. the more i read the more i'm starting to realize what a jerk hes being, and thats because im not adding about the way he feels about my son. I know you MFPers will have a ball on that one.
    I know if i were to drop the weight i'd be out of his league... maybe you're right, this could be his way of diminishing my self-confidence in order to keep him on a pedestal.

    Counseling or JBU.
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
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    I don't really feel that people are judgy, I just think that mental and emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse in relationships. From what I have read, which was the whole thing before replying, this man seems like he is being cruel. OP as you lose the weight, and you will as long as you want to do it for you, you will find out alot more about yourself, possibly more than you bargained for. Cardio is alot of thinking time. You may realize hey this dude's a jerk, you may not, if he continues to be cruel I hope you will. Be well.

    I love your posts!!
    Is this guy really nit-picking at your body?? This guy is a major Dikkk! I hope that when you do reach your goal, with said transformation, you have also realized that you deserve a man that worships you! And your new future as a fit mom doesn't need or include him!

    Thank you!
  • caesar164
    caesar164 Posts: 312 Member
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    oh wow. the more i read the more i'm starting to realize what a jerk hes being, and thats because im not adding about the way he feels about my son. I know you MFPers will have a ball on that one.
    I know if i were to drop the weight i'd be out of his league... maybe you're right, this could be his way of diminishing my self-confidence in order to keep him on a pedestal.
    Oh my God! You just say more and more, that proves this guy is a jerk. Be strong girl, I think this man is trying to control you by keeping you down. Please analyze your relationship, make sure this man tfuelly loves you, is this a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.

    I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
    I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"

    Sorry, I skipped a page and didnt read one of your updates.

    You had three children before him and your imperfections were likely present when he came into the picture. This means he knew what he was getting into and chose to anyway. For him to suddenly be unhappy with your physical appearance when it has barely changed is a jerk move.

    And for the record, you are really pretty. :flowerforyou:
  • Glossysweets
    Glossysweets Posts: 69
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    I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
    1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
    2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
    3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
    4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
    5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
    6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
    7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...

    Okay so when I was reading through this I had a few thoughts - let's go down the list here:
    1. Okay
    2. Okay
    3. That is kind of sucky - he should at least help (even though he is only the father of 3 I presume that since he is in your life he has decided to act like a dad to them while he is around?), even so, this aside you can get a sitter for a little while to go to the gym or you can find time to do workouts at home perhaps with the kids? or around them? or do more activities that they enjoy physically and make it more challenging for you?
    4. If he thinks his honesty will motivate you then honestly it seems like he is manipulating you to make you feel worse about yourself. If he wants to motivate you he would not state his love is so conditional - instead he would be trying more likely "sell" you on why to look better.
    5. Red Light! This is crap. Honestly, before I met my now husband I was with an idiot like this (yes he is a father of one of your children...and you love him...great...)but this crap has to stop. These comments about your body being imperfect and needing to be fixed will only decrease your self esteem if you listen to him. That is toxic. Please do not take these comments to heart - they are subjective and his opinion and if you have an honest relationship you should talk to him. Also, as long as comments like this are also being made (and heard - you can choose not to listen of course to his comments of course - please don't) then this honesty will actually do the opposite of what is being intended (to motivate you) because this will just add to inferiority and not feeling beautiful.
    6. Great! It's great to want to feel and look better for you and your kids.
    7. You are in control of your own self-esteem. You need to see yourself as worth it. You need to love yourself for who you are today and where you are going. Love the process. Love you. Be proud of that and all you have accomplished because you have 4 beautiful kids that you obviously care about. Now, just care more about yourself and it will all become easier. It's you who needs to know that you deserve happiness and we are all in charge of our own happiness.

    I wish you luck but KNOW that you can do it, if you really want it.
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
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    This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.

    I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
    I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"

    Sorry, I skipped a page and didnt read one of your updates.

    You had three children before him and your imperfections were likely present when he came into the picture. This means he knew what he was getting into and chose to anyway. For him to suddenly be unhappy with your physical appearance when it has barely changed is a jerk move.

    And for the record, you are really pretty. :flowerforyou:

    Thank you. :)
    He actually hates being told "You knew what you were getting yourself into" his response is, "i just wished it was you and me" .. but he deals with it as best he can and provides for me and the kids. he complains A LOT! like a damn kid. not gonna lie it pisses me off.
  • chunt87
    chunt87 Posts: 161 Member
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    This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.

    I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
    I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"

    Wow. :noway: I agree with caesar. He really does seem cruel and then you alluded that he doesn't treat one of your children right. The more I read the more I dont like him. Granted I am not there and do not know this person. But if this is not all out of context you do need to take a step back. If you are close with your family I think you should discuss these things he has said to you with them and whatever else has gone on. If he tries to make you not close to your family it is a MAJOR red flag, along with trying to distance you from your friends and colleagues.

    You should lose weight for you, and for your health. Brutal, not blunt honesty has its place, and its at your MD's office, from your Doctor.My MD told me I need to lose weight for my health and started talking about how thyroid disease can get worse and people get diabetes and feet amputated and all kinds of bad stuff. Not nitpicky BS about my body's current condition.

    Not from someone who is supposed to love and support you. I think he is saying things so negative to justify whatever sins against you in his heart that he has committed or is planning to commit. I've dated my fair share of jerks before getting married, he seems kinda like a jerk.
  • caesar164
    caesar164 Posts: 312 Member
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    This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.

    I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
    I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"

    Sorry, I skipped a page and didnt read one of your updates.

    You had three children before him and your imperfections were likely present when he came into the picture. This means he knew what he was getting into and chose to anyway. For him to suddenly be unhappy with your physical appearance when it has barely changed is a jerk move.

    And for the record, you are really pretty. :flowerforyou:

    Thank you. :)
    He actually hates being told "You knew what you were getting yourself into" his responses to is, "i just wished it was you and me" .. but he deals with it as best he can and provides for me and the kids. he complains A LOT! like a damn kid. not gonna lie it pisses me off.

    Its not like he's the epitomy of fitness, the dude us skinny fat with man boobs, seriously, he complains about anything again you tell him, you don't find him attractive, and that his body looks feminine, doesn't turn you on,; see how he likes that? Beat him at his own game lol..
  • chunt87
    chunt87 Posts: 161 Member
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    This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.

    I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
    I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"

    Sorry, I skipped a page and didnt read one of your updates.

    You had three children before him and your imperfections were likely present when he came into the picture. This means he knew what he was getting into and chose to anyway. For him to suddenly be unhappy with your physical appearance when it has barely changed is a jerk move.

    And for the record, you are really pretty. :flowerforyou:

    Thank you. :)
    He actually hates being told "You knew what you were getting yourself into" his responses to is, "i just wished it was you and me" .. but he deals with it as best he can and provides for me and the kids. he complains A LOT! like a damn kid. not gonna lie it pisses me off.

    Its not like he's the epitomy of fitness, the dude us skinny fat with man boobs, seriously, he complains about anything again you tell him, you don't find him attractive, and that his body looks feminine, doesn't turn you on,; see how he likes that? Beat him at his own game lol..

    I still agree with caesar. Typically they don't really like that. I wouldn't want to stoop to that level unless you are physically stronger than him and know it for a fact. Just in case he comes unhinged. And sometimes controlling guys do come unhinged.
  • milyba
    milyba Posts: 49
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    So is he a recent husband because your profile says your bf is attractive ...
  • crf1999
    crf1999 Posts: 1
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    Beautifully said. I completely agree with every word.
  • caesar164
    caesar164 Posts: 312 Member
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    All put downs and bashing aside; this is a serious issue. If that man does love you and I know you love him; you may need to seek the help of a professional, a counselor. I would not just act on what we are saying here. This relationship needs help! Hopefully things will improve, and hopefully he is willing to go through with some therapy for your relationship sake.
  • MizMimi111
    MizMimi111 Posts: 244 Member
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    I'm sorry but he sounds immature to be saying stuff like "I wish it were just you and me." Too bad! You're a package deal.

    And you were lucky he would accept your asymetrical breasts? :noway: He might have unrealistic expectations of what a woman's body looks like.

    Getting healthy (& losing weight) needs to be for you. Only you! But he should be supporting you with action not by being negative.

    Just losing weight will not fix all the problems.
  • KGTD45
    KGTD45 Posts: 1
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    Hi honey,
    Everyone has an opinion right? If you're reading these posts and they've made you feel worse, I can understand why. Only I know what I have with my husband. No one else can truly know. After 21 years of marriage, my husband said the same to me. He practically cried when he said it. I'd asked for his honesty.

    That was a year ago, and I'm still struggling, but moving forward slowly. I love my husband, but I've decided that if I don't feel good about who I am, no one else will, especially him. I'm taking this one day at a time. I don't know where it will lead, or if my marriage will survive, but I know that I'll be happy with myself and the work I'm doing when I get there.

    No one can tell you what to do, but I've found this website to be very helpful, realistic and supportive. Know that you're not alone. Just take it one day at a time. One walk, meal, celebration at a time. Be kind to yourself. It's going to be okay.
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
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    All put downs and bashing aside; this is a serious issue. If that man does love you and I know you love him; you may need to seek the help of a professional, a counselor. I would not just act on what we are saying here. This relationship needs help! Hopefully things will improve, and hopefully he is willing to go through with some therapy for your relationship sake.

    I do agree we need help... but i don't think he will change any.
    He thinks so highly of his beliefs, its very difficult to change his pov.
    I do love this man, he treats me well and loves me. He just doesnt think things through at times.

    an example of his beliefs is: our daughter only has her "true" cousins and "true" aunts and uncles that are from his side of the family, my side of the family is nothing except for my parents who are the grandparents. just like his daughter (outside of our relationship) is "true" sister of our daughter, but my kids our step-sister/brother for our daughter.

    am i making sense?
  • caesar164
    caesar164 Posts: 312 Member
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    Hi honey,
    Everyone has an opinion right? If you're reading these posts and they've made you feel worse, I can understand why. Only I know what I have with my husband. No one else can truly know. After 21 years of marriage, my husband said the same to me. He practically cried when he said it. I'd asked for his honesty.

    That was a year ago, and I'm still struggling, but moving forward slowly. I love my husband, but I've decided that if I don't feel good about who I am, no one else will, especially him. I'm taking this one day at a time. I don't know where it will lead, or if my marriage will survive, but I know that I'll be happy with myself and the work I'm doing when I get there.

    No one can tell you what to do, but I've found this website to be very helpful, realistic and supportive. Know that you're not alone. Just take it one day at a time. One walk, meal, celebration at a time. Be kind to yourself. It's going to be okay.

    And it hurt him to say this! Because he doesn't want to hurt you! He cried! Wow! He s been with you for 21 years, and you basically had to beat it out of him; but this other guy, he's a piece of work. Hes onlyputin a yearand a half. I've been with my woman for 4 years, and I feel like I'm still in a honeymoon phase!
  • Otterluv
    Otterluv Posts: 9,083 Member
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    All put downs and bashing aside; this is a serious issue. If that man does love you and I know you love him; you may need to seek the help of a professional, a counselor. I would not just act on what we are saying here. This relationship needs help! Hopefully things will improve, and hopefully he is willing to go through with some therapy for your relationship sake.

    I do agree we need help... but i don't think he will change any.
    He thinks so highly of his beliefs, its very difficult to change his pov.
    I do love this man, he treats me well and loves me. He just doesnt think things through at times.

    an example of his beliefs is: our daughter only has her "true" cousins and "true" aunts and uncles that are from his side of the family, my side of the family is nothing except for my parents who are the grandparents. just like his daughter (outside of our relationship) is "true" sister of our daughter, but my kids our step-sister/brother for our daughter.

    am i making sense?

    Umm, nope. Not at all. His understanding of relationships appears quite him-ocentric.
  • RekindledRose
    RekindledRose Posts: 523 Member
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    I do agree we need help... but i don't think he will change any.
    He thinks so highly of his beliefs, its very difficult to change his pov.
    I do love this man, he treats me well and loves me. He just doesnt think things through at times.

    an example of his beliefs is: our daughter only has her "true" cousins and "true" aunts and uncles that are from his side of the family, my side of the family is nothing except for my parents who are the grandparents. just like his daughter (outside of our relationship) is "true" sister of our daughter, but my kids our step-sister/brother for our daughter.

    am i making sense?

    This, along with his asinine statement that he wishes it was just the two of you, are red flags. Honey, this guy is going to make your eldest three children feel unloved and unwanted. I can guarantee you that if you stay with this a$$hat he's going to mess up the emotional state of your children and they are going to suffer because of his attitude.

    You DO need to lose weight - you need to lose the 180 pounds of selfish boy that you are living with. For your kids' sake do it soon! This guy you are with is not a man. He is a spoiled, self-centered, and dangerous person who is only going to harm your children's hearts.
  • kirili3
    kirili3 Posts: 244 Member
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    an example of his beliefs is: our daughter only has her "true" cousins and "true" aunts and uncles that are from his side of the family, my side of the family is nothing except for my parents who are the grandparents. just like his daughter (outside of our relationship) is "true" sister of our daughter, but my kids our step-sister/brother for our daughter.

    am i making sense?


    ... You are, sure. But he seems very messed up. Your kids have to be the step-siblings of your other kid? I'm not saying his kid should be referred to as a step-sibling, either. But the current arrangement sounds difficult.

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