Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.
Replies
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At first I was all for the honesty,but now after reading your replies; I see it goes much deeper than that.He sounds very immature and emotionally abusive.Hopefully you see that and demand better for yourself.Good luck.0
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The more I read this the more nervous I become. The guy in the threadstarters post is a tool job, yet you guys are not adding to the solution in the slightest bit.
The overall message from this entire thread is "Leave him find someone who'll accept you for you!" where about the overall message should be about weight loss.
Selee, please do yourself a favor and ignore this thread. Ignore this thread, and lurk around here or google some information about weight loss and nutrition. Venting for self pity will end up being nothing more than an excuse not to lose the weight. Making it about your husband and not about you is an excuse. YOU need to find a reason to lose the weight. I guarantee you that self esteem problem that you have will go away once YOU find a reason to lose the weight.
Selee should not ignore this thread. She does need to find someone who accepts her for her. If you read the thread all the way through, you would see that it isn't just her weight he is unaccepting of. He is also unaccepting of her asymmetrical chest (which nearly every woman has), and most importantly, he is unaccepting of her kids, which are part of her. She commented earlier that her deals with it (her kids) the best he can. If you are in a serious relationship with someone, you don't "deal with" the kids, you embrace them.0 -
He wants you to get breast implants and talks poorly about loose skin in your lower abdomen/pelvic area? No ma'am. Those are normal changes that come with having four children. This is not normal. What will he do when you lose weight and you still have asymmetrical breasts and loose skin?I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...
I think honesty is something that is important when speaking to your significant other. But this is something you need to really think about. This man wants you to alter who you are surgically because he is unhappy with how your body looks. THATS NOT OK and you should be glad he was honest with you because now you know how he really feels.
You do not need to change yourself for that man.
This goes far beyond your weight. This man is not right for you if the only way your body will attract him is through surgery. PERIOD! And honestly, I am glad that I can count on my husband to be honest with me. But he would never say something like this to me. Ever. And if he did I would be reevaluating our relationship. Your self esteem is suffering because of this man, and you do not deserve that.
Best of luck.0 -
At first I was all for the honesty,but now after reading your replies; I see it goes much deeper than that.He sounds very immature and emotionally abusive.Hopefully you see that and demand better for yourself.Good luck.
Seems to be all about control ... which is a great basis for any relationship :frown:0 -
I just want to say one thing. This sentiment:
"Don't do it for your husband, do it for YOU, do it for your kids, not HIM"
...is bull****.
You should want to better yourself for your spouse. Just like he should want to better himself for her. And what really pisses me off is the kids comment. What, so a mom can use her kids as motivation, but not what her spouse thinks?? WTF is wrong with some of you? This right here is why the majority of marriages fail. Selfishness. Not putting their spouse before themselves.
OP: You can do this! You can do it for yourself, your kids, and your husband! Sounds like you guys are honest with each other. That is awesome. Read the stickied threads, troll some these forums for a week. Pretty quick you will pick up on you to listen to and who to ignore. Some of the people on this website are flat out super heroes. They have done amazing things. Learn from them. That's what I'm trying to do!0 -
I just want to say one thing. This sentiment:
"Don't do it for your husband, do it for YOU, do it for your kids, not HIM"
...is bull****.
You should want to better yourself for your spouse. Just like he should want to better himself for her. And what really pisses me off is the kids comment. What, so a mom can use her kids as motivation, but not what her spouse thinks?? WTF is wrong with some of you? This right here is why the majority of marriages fail. Selfishness. Not putting their spouse before themselves.
OP: You can do this! You can do it for yourself, your kids, and your husband! Sounds like you guys are honest with each other. That is awesome. Read the stickied threads, troll some these forums for a week. Pretty quick you will pick up on you to listen to and who to ignore. Some of the people on this website are flat out super heroes. They have done amazing things. Learn from them. That's what I'm trying to do!
I'm curious, is this post based off of the first post? Did you read the additional information provided later?0 -
I just want to say one thing. This sentiment:
"Don't do it for your husband, do it for YOU, do it for your kids, not HIM"
...is bull****.
You should want to better yourself for your spouse. Just like he should want to better himself for her. And what really pisses me off is the kids comment. What, so a mom can use her kids as motivation, but not what her spouse thinks?? WTF is wrong with some of you? This right here is why the majority of marriages fail. Selfishness. Not putting their spouse before themselves.
OP: You can do this! You can do it for yourself, your kids, and your husband! Sounds like you guys are honest with each other. That is awesome. Read the stickied threads, troll some these forums for a week. Pretty quick you will pick up on you to listen to and who to ignore. Some of the people on this website are flat out super heroes. They have done amazing things. Learn from them. That's what I'm trying to do!
You obviously didn't read the whole thread!! Her boyfriend, not husband, is a dikkk! Read from the beginning before you talk ish!!0 -
Sigh, I read the first 2 or 3 pages, then got tired of the back and forth. Her second post... WOW.
Still my general comment stands. Spouses should care about each others feelings... and honesty is always the best route.
But he is a jerk :mad:
Bower said it perfectly:The difference between the op's first post and the clarification post was staggering.0 -
Do yourself a favor. Get hot and dump his dumb *kitten*.0
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Sigh, I read the first 2 or 3 pages, then got tired of the back and forth. Her second post... WOW.
Still my general comment stands. Spouses should care about each others feelings... and honesty is always the best route.
But he is a jerk :mad:
Bower said it perfectly:The difference between the op's first post and the clarification post was staggering.
Read a little more bro, with every passing page he becomes a bigger and bigger douche bag!0 -
Spoken like a true gentleman, caesar164.0
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Sigh, I read the first 2 or 3 pages, then got tired of the back and forth. Her second post... WOW.
Still my general comment stands. Spouses should care about each others feelings... and honesty is always the best route.
But he is a jerk :mad:
Bower said it perfectly:The difference between the op's first post and the clarification post was staggering.
Read a little more bro, with every passing page he becomes a bigger and bigger douche bag!
Yeah... I agree with you. The more you go in this one the crazier it gets. The whole kid issue... OP I strongly suggest counseling.0 -
I don't believe anyone's negative words (much less those of the person who's supposed to love and support you unconditionally) should be used as motivation to lose weight. It's only going to happen when YOU want what's best for you and your four beautiful children. Best of luck!0
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It's time to moveon.org.
Find someone who gives you the respect you deserve as a human being. From the sounds of it, you aren't even getting THAT from him.0 -
I've only read a few of the replies, and whether or not your husband should have said that is really up to you to decide how you feel about it, but my advice is that you have to want to change for yourself. that's the only way it ever works (long term). Losing weight and changing your habits is such a hard thing to do (for many at least) that it's almost impossible if you don't have a strong sense of personal motivation.0
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oh wow. the more i read the more i'm starting to realize what a jerk hes being, and thats because im not adding about the way he feels about my son. I know you MFPers will have a ball on that one.
I know if i were to drop the weight i'd be out of his league... maybe you're right, this could be his way of diminishing my self-confidence in order to keep him on a pedestal.
OP, I want to crawl through my computer and give you a big hug right now.
While I am an advocate of honesty in relationships, I feel like honesty is also partially in HOW you deliver a message. And judging by the clarification after the initial post, your bf/husband is a complete and utter tool.
After reading that he just "wished it was you and me (him)" instead of your kids, I have to wonder if this half-wit has the mentality of a 16-year-old.
It's a lot easier to judge when you're not fully invested in the situation, but it sounds like you - without an absolute doubt -could do better. You're a beautiful woman and you deserve to have someone who will care for you. Not just your appearance, but your personality, your intelligence, your wit, and your humor. You also deserve someone who will care for your children, and who will go through life with you as a partner.
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your bf is acting very much like a partner at all. Best wishes to you and if there is anything I can do to help, please feel free to send me a message or add me as a friend.0 -
This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.
I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"
Even with this being the case, I worry that he's going too far. Your previous post about him thinking you have too much skin on your lady bits is extremely disturbing for many reasons:
1) You can't control that. You also can't control your breast and I ask - would he be okay with you getting one breast reduced rather than the other enlarged? Or is bigger the only answer for him?
2) It really scares me that he seems to want you under the knife for some of the things he's pointed out. Nothing about you is unnatural. If he thinks it is, then he's watching too much porn.
I just ask that you do take time to think. Consider yourself and your children. Think about how you will feel 50 years from now. Remember that none of the posters here are privy to the conversation that started this post, nor any of the other aspects of your relationship. You're the one best able to judge.
Good luck, hun!0 -
She has her 3 kids from a previous relationship, he has a daughter from a previous relationship; together they have a baby. Do you know that he had the audacity to say that her 3 kids were not full brother and sisters to their baby? And that his daughter was the "true" sibling to their baby? She is the mom!! Those 4 children came out of her womb! They are all true brothers and sisters! Just because her kids don't have his last name doesn't make them less of a sibling!! If anything his daughter is the true stepn sister that came from another woman. The dude has major control issues! After learning of what he's all about, and looking at his obnoxious picture, makes me wish I could just punch him in the mouth lol!0
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He wants you to get breast implants and talks poorly about loose skin in your lower abdomen/pelvic area? No ma'am. Those are normal changes that come with having four children. This is not normal. What will he do when you lose weight and you still have asymmetrical breasts and loose skin?I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...
I think honesty is something that is important when speaking to your significant other. But this is something you need to really think about. This man wants you to alter who you are surgically because he is unhappy with how your body looks. THATS NOT OK and you should be glad he was honest with you because now you know how he really feels.
You do not need to change yourself for that man.
This goes far beyond your weight. This man is not right for you if the only way your body will attract him is through surgery. PERIOD! And honestly, I am glad that I can count on my husband to be honest with me. But he would never say something like this to me. Ever. And if he did I would be reevaluating our relationship. Your self esteem is suffering because of this man, and you do not deserve that.
Best of luck.
This exactly! I've been with my husband for over 14 years and he would NEVER say anything like this to me. I also hope that if my husband had the same issues as yours, he would have enough sense to leave me....or I him.
Best of luck. But you need to love yourself before you can truly have someone love you.0 -
This entire thread is incredibly depressing. Please seek counseling (or better yet), do something for yourself and your children and leave this d*ckwad.
I wish you nothing but the best0 -
Here, here. I like this guy ^.0
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I agree. He is really going to mess up your kids!0
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I see you're getting the usual infighting...people are passionate here. Take all of it with a grain of salt, and know that you're getting this outpouring because what you shared is so sensitive.
I looked at your photos and read your comments. You appear to be beautiful inside and out.
I don't know what kind of a man your child's father is, but for your sake, I hope that he encouraged you to get plastic surgery on your breasts only if that is something you aspired to do. There are many complications that come from every surgery. My husband even politely asked me not to tan anymore (far cry from surgery) - a request, not a demand - because it isn't always safe.
Please don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do.
You're young, attractive, bright and a mommy. You've accomplished so much. Understandable that you want to please someone you love and that you're hurt at the prospect that he wishes you looked different.
Your life is yours, and you should do what will make you happy. In past relationships, I never found happiness with someone who constantly wanted to change me, whether the changes were physical or otherwise.
Wishing you so much luck and positive changes in your life...0 -
This helps me too! You seem like you have learned a lot throughout your weight loss journey and it is a huge helper to everyone else! Thank you!0
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After reading the whole thread, which I should have done from the get-go (My apologies), I'm confused about the whole husband/boyfriend thing. You've only been with him for 1-1/2 years... That's nowhere near long enough to be considered common law spouses. And not all states have/allow common law marriages (Assuming you're in the USA).
He came into this relationship after you had three kids. And let's be honest, childbearing changes a woman. If you don't understand and accept this BEFORE entering a serious relationship with a woman with 3 kids, then WTF?!?! And why enter said relationship (with 3 kids) if you aren't planning on being a father to them? And calling them step-siblings?
:noway:
Man, Caesar hit this nail on the friggen head. I look back at your profile pic and I want to punch him in his face
OP: You're beautiful. Counseling or put the boots on. Ya know, "These boots are made for walk'n..."0 -
I am going to take this to a new level because I did read all of these pages.... leave this man immediately... do not pass go... do not wait...
Sooooooo, I do this because it is important and not because I am part of the usual "you should do everything this way" crowd... a couple of things pop out at me here in a vast RED ALERT...
1. is the unhappiness he has with your body parts that are not solved with losing weight
2. The issue with the children...
The ONLY men I have ever experienced that have made statements like "I wish it was just you and me" ended up being less than ideal. One of those was my stepfather for over 10 years. He molested me since the age of 6 until I was 15 when I finally told my mother... his reason to her for doing it... "I just wanted you to myself so it would run her off"... that statement you made sent my alarm bells going off...
While most may see my paragraph there as unnecessary.. I don't think so. I volunteer regularly to young/teenage girls to overcome this. It has been my way of coping for many years
I can freely talk about my past because I am not ashamed of it; however, I know when my gut is sending me alerts I better listen.
You better listen to your instincts with eyes wide open... he does NOT love you.. what he has said to you about your body and/or your children is NOT love in any capacity... I worry about the steps he will be take to be "just you and me" .....
Sorry to bring that point up
ETA: My husband is a stepfather to my first child and he has NEVER treated her any differently and loves her like his own... THAT is what love is about...0 -
Wow....this is a whole lotta...just wow!
You are a very pretty girl, if you are ready to change....change....and become so spectacular that you realize that he isn't worth your time!:flowerforyou:0 -
I'm glad you are posting on here! That is tremendously difficult to accept. You have 4 beautiful kids and having gone thru that is hard on your body. Just keep coming back here for support, and take it one day at a time. You can reclaim your health, feel and look better; but be patient and kind to yourself. I hope your husband appreciates the journey that you have begun! Positive thought your way, and hugs!0
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I am going to take this to a new level because I did read all of these pages.... leave this man immediately... do not pass go... do not wait...
Sooooooo, I do this because it is important and not because I am part of the usual "you should do everything this way" crowd... a couple of things pop out at me here in a vast RED ALERT...
1. is the unhappiness he has with your body parts that are not solved with losing weight
2. The issue with the children...
The ONLY men I have ever experienced that have made statements like "I wish it was just you and me" ended up being less than ideal. One of those was my stepfather for over 10 years. He molested me since the age of 6 until I was 15 when I finally told my mother... his reason to her for doing it... "I just wanted you to myself so it would run her off"... that statement you made sent my alarm bells going off...
While most may see my paragraph there as unnecessary.. I don't think so. I volunteer regularly to young/teenage girls to overcome this. It has been my way of coping for many years I can freely talk about my past because I am not ashamed of it; however, I know when my gut is sending me alerts I better listen.
You better listen to your instincts with eyes wide open... he does NOT love you.. what he has said to you about your body and/or your children is NOT love in any capacity... I worry about the steps he will be take to be "just you and me" .....
Sorry to bring that point up
ETA: My husband is a stepfather to my first child and he has NEVER treated her any differently and loves her like his own... THAT is what love is about...
Wow!! Just wow!
My girlfriend of four years has 3 children. They are fantastic children, and I love them to death!! Their father is to busy being a playboy and trying to look like a GQ model. So Im there for them every single day! I knew what I was getting into from the beginning , she told me " I'm a package deal" lol. The kids say things to their mom like "why can't dad be like Caesar" I wish Caesar was our real dad"; it breaks my heart, but she tells them he is your real dad! A father is more then just a sperm donor!0 -
After reading the whole thread, which I should have done from the get-go (My apologies), I'm confused about the whole husband/boyfriend thing. You've only been with him for 1-1/2 years... That's nowhere near long enough to be considered common law spouses. And not all states have/allow common law marriages (Assuming you're in the USA).
He came into this relationship after you had three kids. And let's be honest, childbearing changes a woman. If you don't understand and accept this BEFORE entering a serious relationship with a woman with 3 kids, then WTF?!?! And why enter said relationship (with 3 kids) if you aren't planning on being a father to them? And calling them step-siblings?
:noway:
Man, Caesar hit this nail on the friggen head. I look back at your profile pic and I want to punch him in his face
OP: You're beautiful. Counseling or put the boots on. Ya know, "These boots are made for walk'n..."
^^ This, totally. I have had 4 pregnancies, I started out at 138 lbs when i met my husband, by the time it was all said and done I weighed 227 lbs. My husband never once said I was unattractive to him. He has always been attracted to me because what we have is real and true. As others have said counseling is in order NOW. Personally, I would have been out the door during all this criticizing he was doing. I'm sure he is just "perfect" (insert eye roll here).0
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