Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.
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Hi everyone,
this is my second attempt to lose weight and get back in shape. Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive!
He loves my personality and my "beautiful" face other than that... my physical appearance is an eye sore. I have 4 kids, I'm the biggest i've ever been!
His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.
I need help! I need to get fit!
I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
He should find you even sexier cause you gave him 4 KIDS! Hes a loser. Seriously. Thats my honesty.
I like this. And it is true.0 -
The more I read the worse this guy seems. You should really consider talking to someone in person about this like a counselor without him. Or a lawyer if you do decide to leave him to make sure he will help support your child you have in common. This looks like he is emotionally and mentally abusive and has some serious demons. I urge you to seek help before he crosses the abuse into physical. I know tgat spins scary because it is and it is very real.The above statements suggest that he thinks less in his heart of your other 3 children. Please do what's best for them and yourself. Be well.0
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Great post. These are things I've been learning as well.First of all you've got to do this for you not for him, no matter how much you love him.
Here is a ginormous brain dump... I'm sure all the other MFPers are sick of seeing this already, but it's what helped me so I like to share it....
[...]
Oddly enough, on my journey here I've reduced guilt over food.
I have the occasional treat and I fully enjoy it with no guilt involved.
The thing is since I'm not eating crap all the time, now the occasional treat is just that a TREAT it's special and I enjoy it so much more than when I was unconsciously shovel junk food into my face.0 -
This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.
I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"
Does he actually have ANY redeeming qualities? Sounds like you're bringing up 5 kids all on your own!!!0 -
Its all been said.
Your gorgeous, he's very plain and rather unattractive.
He sounds like a **** and you are too trusting.
Get slim! He'll probably turn into a jealous idiot and then you'll see him the way he is.0 -
I'm sorry, the comment about the kids is horrifying to me. I hope he doesn't make them feel as unimportant and undeserving as it sounds. You're their Mom put a stop to that now. That sort of attitude can permanently mess with a child's head. They live together... they're siblings. END OF STORY. Whatever is going on between you two personally. Work through it, accept it, or reject it. If you want to lose weight... do it for yourself. Those that don't seldom succeed. What a corrosive sounding relationship. Good luck to you.0
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I kind of fear for you! Its making me emotional, I'm sensitive to any abuse or mistreatment to women, I have two sisters, and my mom , any mistreatment makes me think of them, and how I would hate for an of them to go through something like this. Something is not right with this man. just because you had a baby with him, shouldn't make you feel obligated to stay with him and have to endure mental and emotional abuse. This guy has serious issues.
Gotta say after reading through this entire thread, you make a lot of sense and I couldn't agree with you more. Well said man.0 -
Good advice. It's nice to see men thinking that way.0
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I'd be telling hubs to go fh, but that's me
Yep, me too...0 -
I'm sorry, the comment about the kids is horrifying to me. I hope he doesn't make them feel as unimportant and undeserving as it sounds. You're their Mom put a stop to that now. That sort of attitude can permanently mess with a child's head. They live together... they're siblings. END OF STORY. Whatever is going on between you two personally. Work through it, accept it, or reject it. If you want to lose weight... do it for yourself. Those that don't seldom succeed. What a corrosive sounding relationship. Good luck to you.
I've been following this post.... this really upsets me too. your poor children are going to grow up feeling LESS THAN.
I don't care if they have a different dad. THEY ARE ALL YOUR CHILDREN.... You have got to STOP this right now. Not only is he emotionally abusing you, he is doing it to your children as well. You are their voice, it's up to you.0 -
You sound to be in a relationship much like that of my best friend and her husband. Four kids, emotionally and verbally cruel, abusive even, and unwilling to help her change (watch the kids so she can work out), but happy to comment on her body. I don't think you're unaware of how unhealthy this relationship is. You don't seem shocked or that defensive about any of the comments made on your guy.
Since he is unwilling to help so you can work out, I suggest you taken in less calories than you burn for weight loss. If you can do at home workout videos while the kids nap, Jillian Michaels has some great videos. Additionally, I want you to know that I feel really sadly for the husband you have and father your kids have. He sounds mean, to all of you. You're a beautiful woman and you and your kids deserve to be accepted fully. I hope you're wrong and he does change how he treats and speaks to others.
PS ...For what it's worth, I think you're way too good looking for him. I'm sure your breasts, down there and body is beautiful and completely normal.0 -
Honey, I wish you luck. Not in your weight loss, because you are beautiful, if that is what YOU want, then it will happen. Your husband sound like he is a pig. Sorry for the honesty, but run, far and fast. That type of emotional abuse often turns physical.0
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I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...
OMG, I'm sorry but he sounds like an absolute dikwad, sorry!! U can do so much better. So your breast are not even? U have too much skin down there? He won't help with kids so u can go to the gym. Dump the dude, really.
I hope he likes his hands a lot, cause that would be the only action he would ever get again.0 -
The difference between the op's first post and the clarification post was staggering.
AGREED, geeesh, he is a jerk.0 -
meh, he aint that great from what i can see.
Agreed!! If that is his picture, look at the putz in his batman shirt. You OP are gorgeous compared to him. Ugh, I don't even know you but I am so angry now. He is truly a jerk.0 -
oh wow. the more i read the more i'm starting to realize what a jerk hes being, and thats because im not adding about the way he feels about my son. I know you MFPers will have a ball on that one.
I know if i were to drop the weight i'd be out of his league... maybe you're right, this could be his way of diminishing my self-confidence in order to keep him on a pedestal.
Feels about your son?????????????????????????
He's lucky you let him around your son. Really, you can do so much better.0 -
This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.
I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"
Sorry, I skipped a page and didnt read one of your updates.
You had three children before him and your imperfections were likely present when he came into the picture. This means he knew what he was getting into and chose to anyway. For him to suddenly be unhappy with your physical appearance when it has barely changed is a jerk move.
And for the record, you are really pretty. :flowerforyou:
Yeah, what wheird said....0 -
I am so worried for your kids :frown: My mum married someone who obviously found it very hard to have three step kids and it was not fun growing up with a step dad like that. My brothers and I are grown ups now in our 30s and 40s but we all carry baggage. Please take a good look at how it is affecting your kids having this man around. My mum was a single mum until I was a teenager and luckily for me i took away away how strong a woman can be when she needs to be, it was a shame what happened afterwards!0
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Hi, sorry for jumping in but I just had to comment....
I went through something very similar to this a few years back, I was told I was fat, ugly, stupid, unworthy etc, he'd tell me other men looked at me because they couldn't believe how ugly I was etc... it started off with small digs or comments, then the comments would get nastier and nastier, there was no support from him, none, it got steadily worse until it got to violence and by that time my resistance was at an all time low. I just accepted it, silly I know, I had 2 sons by him and I felt trapped, he was all I had known since a child as we got together when I was 15, it took me until I was 30 to break free from him, my sons endured some horrific sights and arguements, they never had toys downstairs, when they heard his car they'd run up to play in the bedroom and they'd never make eye contact with him, it was a case of walking on eggshells all the time, he was a big drinker and it was horrid, he was sooo good at putting on the perfect partner and dad act to the world outside that it was only close friends (hardly any as he slowly moved me away from them all, asking me to stay in or speading lies about them so I didn't see them any more) and family that knew the truth. He even kept me away from my parents, I lived 5 miles away yet over 10 years I saw them no more than a handful of times and that was to drop the boys off, for 5 10 minutes, he'd wait in the car revving the engine so I'd apologise and go as quickly as I could so as not to anger him.
Anyway something eventually snapped and I'll tell you when it was, we'd fought, he'd grabbed my hair and he put my head through the oven door and as I lay there covered in blood and glass whilst he laughed I knew I had to get out and I did, I stood up to him and I know violence is wrong but I punched him as hard as I could I broke his nose ( I'm not proud of this, but the relief I felt was immense) he looked shocked and I told him that was it and to basically leave me alone.
A few months went by and I managed to break free and get my own house away from him thanks to my parents help,
I left him with everything and started again, I just wanted away and rid of him.
I noticed a change in my sons, they came and watched TV in the lounge with me, something they stopped doing a long time ago, there was laughter, we were happy, yeah he came round a few times trying to get back with me but I stayed as strong as I could, 6 months after moving into my own place he went out, got drunk and basically drove into a tractor, brain dead on impact and I had to switch his life support off in hospital, as I was still down as next of kin, that really messed with my mind, I was elated inside, sad, angry, upset, hurt, sad for my sons and I stood by the railings outside in a sort of shocked state whilst they sorted all the paperwork and moved him etc and the sky was clear and the stars were bright and I looked up and I felt free.
The next few months were tough don't get me wrong, it was a big mix of anger,resentment, hurt, excitement, bitterness, you name it every emotion went through my head...
Now the lighter side of the story...
3 years later I met an amazing kind man, he's fantastic, great with my sons, he's loving, tells me he loves me every day, he tells me I'm beautiful, he never shouts or gets angry, he's supportive and so gentle.
I finally know what true love is, we've moved away from the area for a fresh start, yet I've seen my parents more in the last 2 years than I had in the prior 15 years! Madness I know!
He encourages me to see my parents,he's supportive of me trying to lose weight and we're trying for a baby.
I'm really excited about my life now and where it may lead, it's like the dark clouds have lifted.
If telling the above can help one person get out of an abusive relationship then it's worth it,
You'll normally find an abusive person is actually the one who is self conscious or has low self esteem, they have to hurt others to feel better about themselves.
Ok he has been honest, but a caring partner would suggest a diet together, or more walks or cutting out certain foods, a loving partner has your best interests at heart and would word things a little better.
Oh one more thing, your beautiful children get one childhood, please please ensure they have a happy one
Wishing you all the luck in the world with the decisions that you make.
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Some are speaking their minds about her husband without really knowing anything about their relationship, and this isn't exactly what she asked. I was in such a relationship before. He told me he wasn't attracted to me nor was I to him. I was a 300 pounder and he was a 100 pounder, but his actions and the way I was treated showed there was no one else in the world he would rather be with. It was the same for me, we just clicked in a way I had never experienced before. Unfortunately we had to part ways because of uncontrollable circumstances. I would take him over a "hot" guy any day. Our honesty with each other only brought us closer.
To OP. First and foremost, decide if YOU want to lose the weight. If you don't, and he loves you, he will just accept you and love you no matter what you look like. If you do want to lose weight, be hungry for knowledge! Devour everything you can get your hands on that would help you lose it and learn to distinguish the good from the bad. Start a small blog here on MFP or a Facebook page, the motivation to find new things to write will keep you reminded of the process. Ask for his help. Doing it together will be more fun, and you will both set a great example for your kids. Even if he doesn't need to lose weight, have his goal be to eat better and move more. Since you are being honest with each other, just approach him and tell him you want to work on it, but it would help a lot if he was a part of it.0 -
he doesnt sound supportive at all so how can he expect you to lose weight?
My husband asked me to lose weight, but he put it in a way where it didnt hurt my feelings at all. and he also said we'll do it together as he is eating cleaner and trying to bulk up.
He told me to look after my health and stop eating as much junk as he doesnt want to lose me to some illness.
If you're going to do it, u need to do it for yourself and ur kids.. and stand up to this "bf" of urs.. dont let him lower ur self esteem and confidence0 -
The more I read this the more nervous I become. The guy in the threadstarters post is a tool job, yet you guys are not adding to the solution in the slightest bit.
The overall message from this entire thread is "Leave him find someone who'll accept you for you!" where about the overall message should be about weight loss.
Selee, please do yourself a favor and ignore this thread. Ignore this thread, and lurk around here or google some information about weight loss and nutrition. Venting for self pity will end up being nothing more than an excuse not to lose the weight. Making it about your husband and not about you is an excuse. YOU need to find a reason to lose the weight. I guarantee you that self esteem problem that you have will go away once YOU find a reason to lose the weight.0 -
an example of his beliefs is: our daughter only has her "true" cousins and "true" aunts and uncles that are from his side of the family, my side of the family is nothing except for my parents who are the grandparents. just like his daughter (outside of our relationship) is "true" sister of our daughter, but my kids our step-sister/brother for our daughter.
am i making sense?
... You are, sure. But he seems very messed up. Your kids have to be the stepsiblings of your other kid?
yes, only because they bare his last name.
I wasn't going to comment but I saw this...
My father died when I was young and my mom remarried...that man is my dad, the kids he had are my brothers and sisters...I never married my sons biological donar....I am married and that man is his father...
Any male can be a father but it takes a true man to be a dad...this male is not a dad. He needs a good dose of something up side the head...the best way to love a woman is to love her children regardless of where they come from.
What a knob....I would be sitting him down and giving him a dose of reality...you have to put your children before this man child...they don't have anyone else to protect them.
As for the rest lose weight if you want...and as soon as you do get your girls fixed if you want...0 -
Wow well first of all, I looked at your pics and I think you're super pretty!
Second, well, at least he was honest. It would be great if everyone was that honest, but im guessing it really hurt your feelings, because I know if my boyfriend said that it would kill me.
Third, I just had a baby 3 weeks ago, and I wish I had the courage to have another one of these little cuties, so you're one TOUGH lady for giving birth to FOUR, which makes me confident that you can get into shape. When you get sore, tired, etc, just remember that you gave birth FOUR times, you can handle ANYTHING and KEEP GOING!
I added you in case you ever need motivation 0 -
Don't let his comment bring you down.
My husband told me the exact same thing some time ago. Also he added: I already accepted that you are never going to change. I had gained 40 lbs since we first met. I didn't feel good to hear that especially since I usually get positive feedback from most other men I encounter. However, after all it's my husbands attention that I want most and I want to be attractive for him (especially since he is very fit aswell).
I didn't let this incident rob my confidence and him telling me that I could never do it only made me go like: okay, watch me....
Prove him wrong. You can do it too 0 -
I was gonna throw a couple pennies in the bucket, but I'm sure nothing I have to say would be new at this point. I'll read replies later.
While your hubs was honest with you (point), he could have broken the news in a better way. It's important to understand how he feels about you but saying you're an "eyesore" is a bit too much.
That being said, now you know. And really, the only person that can motivate you is you. You have to want it. Not for your four kids (good job on that, by the way), or for your hubs, but for you.
By the way, you're beautiful.0 -
Wow that's real deep ... first of all , YOU HAVE DONE AMAZING TO GIVE BIRTH TO 4 KIDS! WELL DONE!
SECONDLY, Your husband may be being honest but making you feel insecure by saying hes no longer finding you physically attractive anymore is just not right ... he should be helping you lose the weight ... for example; what to eat and not what to eat, little exercises to do now and then when you have the time together.
You have had 4 kids its not that easy to get back to your previous shape ... he should understand that... But one thing I would suggest is to take the negative words said by your husband or anybody else as motivation to push you to get up and do that exercise ... just let the words play in your head as you sit there feeling unmotivated to do any exercise .... that should give you the extra drive to prove those people wrong and get moving!
Its easier said than done I know but you can do it girl! Just take each day at a time
^I agree. And you cannot do this for him, you have to make up in your mind that this is something you want. Whether it be to have more energy for your kids or chores, health reasons, or to feel better about yourself. You can surely do it. Set a realistic goal. Use MFP as a tool, use the boards for motivation, and gain some knowledge from those who have accomplished what you are setting out to do. Go luck girlie.0 -
Its not about honesty, he was a *kitten* about it, she had 4 of HIS kids which took part of her body not being how he wanted it to look! Its not like she let herself go and then he said you know your put on some weight and you need to lose some that I would understand, but to tell someone who had 4 children that there body isnt attractive is just so messed up beyond words. I hope she gets healthy and fit for herself! And when she does dump his sorry *kitten*.Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?0 -
^This. Definitely.I'd be telling hubs to go fh, but that's me
If he can't look at your body and appreciate the changes HAVING FOUR KIDS has made, you deserve better.0 -
Hello!
I'm only going to comment on the motivational part by asking a simple question: Are you sure you need motivation to do this and if so why?
It's about what you want, not what motivates you. If it's something you want, go get it. If it's not, don't worry about it and stop thinking about it. But make sure to answer honestly.
It's probably because I'm a strange person, but when I started losing weight, I did it because one of my friends started and the concept seemed a bit interesting. I didn't feel inspired, just curious. So I tried it. But I figured if I was doing it, I may as well just get it done (why prolong it?). And here I am 20 lbs lost later. You may need less motivation than you think! Less motivation but more will. Just think of it as a job.. you have to go and get things done but you don't have to have the strongest ever passion for it.
After getting that far, I learned what my motivation was. Not my boyfriend, not my future, not my appearance... but for my stomach. It used to hurt every morning (gassy). Now it doesn't. I just didn't know I could fix that. Now I do and I want to keep it that way. Motivation is something you can gain on the way, and it'll be something that isn't what you "think it should be" but what it actually is. It doesn't have to sound pretty or honourable haha.
That being said, I got down 20 lbs and still have 10 to go roughly and it's getting harder now since the results aren't happening. But I suppose since I didn't feel too strongly about it in the first place, I'm also not feeling frustrated now (which for me might be a good combination since it probably means good mental health). But now I'm curious about fitness and weight lifting for the first time in my life. Let's see how far that gets me.0
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