Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.
Replies
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You're comical.
That's good that it motivated you to change, but this is different, she's not stinking drunk or a meth addict,she's a mother of four!! There's a difference, you letting yourself go and being a drunk, you pretty much wanted her to leave, no one is going to pout up with that, and you would like you were a mean, and condescending drunk...I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...
Caesar,
Thank you for being the first man to speak some real truth. I am disturbed by this as well.
Never... ever... never should a man speak to his woman as this. Truth or not. I would hope to heavens it wouldn't be true, cuz love is supposed to go well beyond just mere physical attraction and what KEEPS you physically attracted to your mate. Its a choice to love and with that decision is a commitment to everything that comes with it, including physical attraction. It is a choice to continue to love someone your entire life, which is what you committed to when you said your marriage vows.
I don't THINK he ever said he didn't love her anymore?
If he truelly loved her he wouldn't be so hurtful and insensitive! You know how devastating for the person that you love to tell you he or she doesn't find you attractive?? You have ice running through your veins...
I have lived it first hand.
My Ex-fiance left me because I let myself go, turned into a drunk, and she wasn't attracted to me anymore.
Her doing that was the best thing that ever happened to me. A wake up call.0 -
That's good that it motivated you to change, but this is different, she's not stinking drunk or a meth addict,she's a mother of four!! There's a difference, you letting yourself go and being a drunk, you pretty much wanted her to leave, no one is going to put up with that, and you sound like you were a mean, and condescending drunk...I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...
Caesar,
Thank you for being the first man to speak some real truth. I am disturbed by this as well.
Never... ever... never should a man speak to his woman as this. Truth or not. I would hope to heavens it wouldn't be true, cuz love is supposed to go well beyond just mere physical attraction and what KEEPS you physically attracted to your mate. Its a choice to love and with that decision is a commitment to everything that comes with it, including physical attraction. It is a choice to continue to love someone your entire life, which is what you committed to when you said your marriage vows.
I don't THINK he ever said he didn't love her anymore?
If he truelly loved her he wouldn't be so hurtful and insensitive! You know how devastating for the person that you love to tell you he or she doesn't find you attractive?? You have ice running through your veins...
I have lived it first hand.
My Ex-fiance left me because I let myself go, turned into a drunk, and she wasn't attracted to me anymore.
Her doing that was the best thing that ever happened to me. A wake up call.
Says the person who threatens to beat people up:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...
Caesar,
Thank you for being the first man to speak some real truth. I am disturbed by this as well.
Never... ever... never should a man speak to his woman as this. Truth or not. I would hope to heavens it wouldn't be true, cuz love is supposed to go well beyond just mere physical attraction and what KEEPS you physically attracted to your mate. Its a choice to love and with that decision is a commitment to everything that comes with it, including physical attraction. It is a choice to continue to love someone your entire life, which is what you committed to when you said your marriage vows.
I don't THINK he ever said he didn't love her anymore?
If he truelly loved her he wouldn't be so hurtful and insensitive! You know how devastating for the person that you love to tell you he or she doesn't find you attractive?? You have ice running through your veins...
So he should've just lied, then?
You don't lie, you simply don't say anything damn it!! Don't you get it? This woman is raising 4 children. She's managing a household, that's not easy, compliment her on what a good job she's doing at home, focus on the positive, do you understand a little bit now? Who's with me here?0 -
That's good that it motivated you to change, but this is different, she's not stinking drunk or a meth addict,she's a mother of four!! There's a difference, you letting yourself go and being a drunk, you pretty much wanted her to leave, no one is going to put up with that, and you sound like you were a mean, and condescending drunk...
Letting yourself go and being a drunk - BAD
Letting yourself go and getting fat - GOOD0 -
All relationships should be exactly the same. Because all people are exactly the same. In every way.0
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I'm out.0
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That's good that it motivated you to change, but this is different, she's not stinking drunk or a meth addict,she's a mother of four!! There's a difference, you letting yourself go and being a drunk, you pretty much wanted her to leave, no one is going to put up with that, and you sound like you were a mean, and condescending drunk...I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...
Caesar,
Thank you for being the first man to speak some real truth. I am disturbed by this as well.
Never... ever... never should a man speak to his woman as this. Truth or not. I would hope to heavens it wouldn't be true, cuz love is supposed to go well beyond just mere physical attraction and what KEEPS you physically attracted to your mate. Its a choice to love and with that decision is a commitment to everything that comes with it, including physical attraction. It is a choice to continue to love someone your entire life, which is what you committed to when you said your marriage vows.
I don't THINK he ever said he didn't love her anymore?
If he truelly loved her he wouldn't be so hurtful and insensitive! You know how devastating for the person that you love to tell you he or she doesn't find you attractive?? You have ice running through your veins...
I have lived it first hand.
My Ex-fiance left me because I let myself go, turned into a drunk, and she wasn't attracted to me anymore.
Her doing that was the best thing that ever happened to me. A wake up call.
Says the person who threatens to beat people up:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That was a joke, like I said before, you and herkmeoff should get a room!lol0 -
I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...
You are a wise man, indeed (and I'll bet you're a really nice guy, too)! Your wife is a lucky woman. The "I'm not attracted to you anymore because you got fat" crap is just that. Crap. The OP's excess weight may not be the real issue here. I question the dynamics of the relationship in a "been there, done that" kind of way. I have learned that cruelty often masquerades as honesty. I hope, in this case, that the comment was truly made with love, and that his delivery just needs some work. Either way, my message to the OP is: Get your motivation from within yourself! You can do this.0 -
OP,
My hubby of 15 yrs told me sometime last April that he doesn't think guys looked at me anymore. He loves me but the second baby's c-section did a number on me. I love him but his brutal honesty sometimes stings. I hate his honesty at times.
Today - I made him EAT HIS WORDS. I was at the mall with my older one and friends and store clerks in both the stores I walked into with men manning the counter went out of their way to inform me that I looked like one of their older sister and were shocked when I was addressed as Mom by one of the girls. Not one but two guys told me that today. I make sure every time a guy shows interest in me I let DH know.
Show him that you're the boss.0 -
All relationships should be exactly the same. Because all people are exactly the same. In every way.
Exactly. We are all here for the same thing.0 -
Pretty muchThat's good that it motivated you to change, but this is different, she's not stinking drunk or a meth addict,she's a mother of four!! There's a difference, you letting yourself go and being a drunk, you pretty much wanted her to leave, no one is going to put up with that, and you sound like you were a mean, and condescending drunk...
Letting yourself go and being a drunk - BAD
Letting yourself go and getting fat - GOOD0 -
I wish the OP would come back and fill in all the missing info.
I agree with those that said this type of honesty doesn't make someone admirable. He could have been so much more diplomatic and mature. The way he went about it was childish in the least and damaging at most. It showed a lack of respect and doesn't come off as honest at all, but rather like he's hiding behind lame excuses.
OP, is he stepping up and committing to getting healthy along with you? Or did he just tell you you're unattractive and leave it at that? Did he specify if it was a weight issue or is it something else? How much is he expecting you to lose before he finds you attractive again? Or is it just the act of trying that would get him going again?
Regardless of what he said or didn't say, do this for yourself.
ETA: Just wanted to add that I have three and I would be furious if my husband approached me about my weight in such a way. Working as a team and being encouraging is one thing, breaking a woman down for a condition he participated in causing is a whole other ball game.0 -
You don't lie, you simply don't say anything damn it!! Don't you get it? This woman is raising 4 children. She's managing a household, that's not easy, compliment her on what a good job she's doing at home, focus on the positive, do you understand a little bit now? Who's with me here?
I'm with you. I don't see how anything good could come from saying this. Regardless of whether it's true. It changes everything and there's no coming back from it.
If the guy want to reassess his plans for a future with her, he should do so within the privacy of his own mind until he's ready to make a move. If he feels compelled to change his commitment status and his residence, he should set things up for her and the kids so they can live as comfortably as possible. In fact, he shouldn't make any changes until that comfort is guaranteed.
Sad. Hope it doesn't happen.
That's right. Cuz it's better to keep quiet about your plans to leave the relationship and then just drop the boom on your wife and kids. They will be fine, I'm sure, cuz you were thoughtful enough to make sure they can live "comfortable as possible."
ETA: It's never a good idea to vocalize your concerns and perhaps work together for a resolution that is good for everyone involved.0 -
Not an easy conversation you had. The best motivation would be to do it for yourself, if you find yourself unattractive then it is your motivation. Your goal, your journey. Take it one step at a time and make some changes that you can live with for the rest of your life. Good luck
This is spot on. You must do it for yourself first. You must come first for you. I know that may be a foreign concept to a mother of four children, but it is the right answer. Don't read too much into it. It really is that simple. If you are nursing then I recommend reaching out to this community as I am certain there are some mom's on here who have been there, done that. As for hubs, reach out to him for support and see if it's there. The biggest struggle for my wife and I is continuous support. By this I mean when one of us has a craving for something, neither of us support the other in resisting the temptation. So then we're both going over our calories. But we talk about it, and we work together towards a common goal; to look good naked! In the end however, I am doing it for me, and she is doing it for her.0 -
If your bf doesn't love you at your "worst" he most CERTAINLY doesn't deserve you at your best. You need to do this for YOU and YOU alone. Yes, do it for your kids, yes, your hubby/bf will benefit by your self confidence gain, but sorry, he sounds like a douche nozzle for even saying that to you. YES he should make her feel good about who she is. PERIOD. This comes from a happily married 8 years, together for 13 years couple. My hubby has always told me he "doesn't mind" those extra rolls as long as I am "into" our intimate relationship. I know OBVIOUSLY he is more attracted to my more fit body (which has more to do with my confidence), BUT, the fact that he loves me no matter what, made me realize I am worth it for ME. I don't NEED to change for HIM! Our relationship can only improve when I improve me, but I know we are still ok if I stay just the way I am. Seriously. He's a douche nugget. Can't get over it.
I agree 100%!0 -
Yeah right, that's exactly what I ment... Do you know what being a drunk entails? Getting DUIs, getting into accidents, pissing your pants, saying messed upn**** you don't remember. You people need to be a grip, instead of criticizing my post. The Op is hurt by this, and I just simply want to let her know that this not the way a man treats a woman. Let her also know that she's going to make it, and its going to be all right! And I'm done, peace out!
Pretty muchThat's good that it motivated you to change, but this is different, she's not stinking drunk or a meth addict,she's a mother of four!! There's a difference, you letting yourself go and being a drunk, you pretty much wanted her to leave, no one is going to put up with that, and you sound like you were a mean, and condescending drunk...
Letting yourself go and being a drunk - BAD
Letting yourself go and getting fat - GOOD0 -
Yeah right, that's exactly what I ment... Do you know what being a drunk entails? Getting DUIs, getting into accidents, pissing your pants, saying messed upn**** you don't remember. You people need to be a grip, instead of criticizing my post. The Op is hurt by this, and I just simply want to let her know that this not the way a man treats a woman. Let her also know that she's going to make it, and its going to be all right! And I'm done, peace out!
Pretty muchThat's good that it motivated you to change, but this is different, she's not stinking drunk or a meth addict,she's a mother of four!! There's a difference, you letting yourself go and being a drunk, you pretty much wanted her to leave, no one is going to put up with that, and you sound like you were a mean, and condescending drunk...
Letting yourself go and being a drunk - BAD
Letting yourself go and getting fat - GOOD
But lying to her and keeping your feeling from her is. Right!0 -
Yeah right, that's exactly what I ment... Do you know what being a drunk entails? Getting DUIs, getting into accidents, pissing your pants, saying messed upn**** you don't remember.
That's a fairly broad brush you're using there.
I didn't do any of those things.
Maybe I should of said alcoholic...but I don't think you would have thought any different.0 -
Yeah right, that's exactly what I ment... Do you know what being a drunk entails? Getting DUIs, getting into accidents, pissing your pants, saying messed upn**** you don't remember. You people need to be a grip, instead of criticizing my post. The Op is hurt by this, and I just simply want to let her know that this not the way a man treats a woman. Let her also know that she's going to make it, and its going to be all right! And I'm done, peace out!
Pretty muchThat's good that it motivated you to change, but this is different, she's not stinking drunk or a meth addict,she's a mother of four!! There's a difference, you letting yourself go and being a drunk, you pretty much wanted her to leave, no one is going to put up with that, and you sound like you were a mean, and condescending drunk...
Letting yourself go and being a drunk - BAD
Letting yourself go and getting fat - GOOD
But lying to her and keeping your feeling from her is. Right!
A lot of people in this thread seem to be under the impression that lying is absolutely 100% wrong, and that sharing is always virtuous.
Which is pretty stupid.0 -
Well guess what, I would like to hear her side of the story! Your ex-fiance, see what brush she would use to describe you... Now good day sir...
Yeah right, that's exactly what I ment... Do you know what being a drunk entails? Getting DUIs, getting into accidents, pissing your pants, saying messed upn**** you don't remember.
That's a fairly broad brush you're using there.
I didn't do any of those things.
Maybe I should of said alcoholic...but I don't think you would have thought any different.0 -
Well guess what, I would like to hear her side of the story! Your ex-fiance, see what brush she would use to describe you... Now good day sir...
Yeah right, that's exactly what I ment... Do you know what being a drunk entails? Getting DUIs, getting into accidents, pissing your pants, saying messed upn**** you don't remember.
That's a fairly broad brush you're using there.
I didn't do any of those things.
Maybe I should of said alcoholic...but I don't think you would have thought any different.
I can get you in touch with her, if you would like. Her and I are great friends!0 -
Well guess what, I would like to hear her side of the story! Your ex-fiance, see what brush she would use to describe you... Now good day sir...
Yeah right, that's exactly what I ment... Do you know what being a drunk entails? Getting DUIs, getting into accidents, pissing your pants, saying messed upn**** you don't remember.
That's a fairly broad brush you're using there.
I didn't do any of those things.
Maybe I should of said alcoholic...but I don't think you would have thought any different.
I can get you in touch with her, if you would like. Her and I are great friends!
Lol, OK whatever floats your boat... I apologize if I offended anyone, I was just simply expressing my opinion. That's all it is, an opinion, and we are all entitled to one.0 -
I have lived it first hand.
My Ex-fiance left me because I let myself go, turned into a drunk, and she wasn't attracted to me anymore.
Her doing that was the best thing that ever happened to me. A wake up call.
[/quote]
I would say that she left you because you turned into a drunk. Being married to a drunk is NOT pleasant. Being a drunk and being overweight are two entirely different things!0 -
Well guess what, I would like to hear her side of the story! Your ex-fiance, see what brush she would use to describe you... Now good day sir...
Yeah right, that's exactly what I ment... Do you know what being a drunk entails? Getting DUIs, getting into accidents, pissing your pants, saying messed upn**** you don't remember.
That's a fairly broad brush you're using there.
I didn't do any of those things.
Maybe I should of said alcoholic...but I don't think you would have thought any different.
Being on the other side - that was also not my experience of an alcoholic. I've met plenty that do fall under that description, but not all. I thought the same thing about broad strokes when I read your post.0 -
I would say that she left you because you turned into a drunk. Being married to a drunk is NOT pleasant. Being a drunk and being overweight are two entirely different things!
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:0 -
Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?
Well, his honesty clearly wasn't very productive if she's STILL looking for some motivation. So, yeah- I think a better approach would have been to deflect her question and refocus it on her internal health since, you know, that actually matters. The fact she had this conversation with him at all reflects a lot about how she obviously feels about herself. And now he just kind of kicked her while she was down...0 -
This is how I perceived it also...Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?
Well, his honesty clearly wasn't very productive if she's STILL looking for some motivation. So, yeah- I think a better approach would have been to deflect her question and refocus it on her internal health since, you know, that actually matters. The fact she had this conversation with him at all reflects a lot about how she obviously feels about herself. And now he just kind of kicked her while she was down...0 -
Agreed.Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?
Well, his honesty clearly wasn't very productive if she's STILL looking for some motivation. So, yeah- I think a better approach would have been to deflect her question and refocus it on her internal health since, you know, that actually matters. The fact she had this conversation with him at all reflects a lot about how she obviously feels about herself. And now he just kind of kicked her while she was down...0 -
I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...0 -
Yeah right, that's exactly what I ment... Do you know what being a drunk entails? Getting DUIs, getting into accidents, pissing your pants, saying messed upn**** you don't remember. You people need to be a grip, instead of criticizing my post. The Op is hurt by this, and I just simply want to let her know that this not the way a man treats a woman. Let her also know that she's going to make it, and its going to be all right! And I'm done, peace out!
Pretty muchThat's good that it motivated you to change, but this is different, she's not stinking drunk or a meth addict,she's a mother of four!! There's a difference, you letting yourself go and being a drunk, you pretty much wanted her to leave, no one is going to put up with that, and you sound like you were a mean, and condescending drunk...
Letting yourself go and being a drunk - BAD
Letting yourself go and getting fat - GOOD
But lying to her and keeping your feeling from her is. Right!
A lot of people in this thread seem to be under the impression that lying is absolutely 100% wrong, and that sharing is always virtuous.
Which is pretty stupid.
You know what's equally stupid? Being under the impression that a conversation like the one the OP had with her husband is wrong 100% of the time and that white lies are okay in these situations 100% of the time.
Absolutes are a pain.0
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