Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.
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I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...
QFT. My hubs knows it's true but has too much respect for me to say something that harsh.
That being said, everyone's marriage and values are different so I'd like to start out by offering OP a hug because that must have been HARD to hear. When you are ready to get started read the "path to sexypants" thread.
it will have all the ideas in a way that you can understand. you can do this! for you, your kids, and your husband. I'm sure you all deserve it.:flowerforyou:0 -
You need to find out why you're overeating and not exercising. Low self-esteem? Trauma in your life? etc.
Then lose the weight for nobody but YOURSELF!0 -
I've been dumped by a guy because of the way I looked. He was once overweight and he lost all the weight really fast so I wasn't good enough for him anymore. And i wanted to lose all the weight so he would like me again. It didn't happen, I ended up getting even bigger. Long story short, I found a beautiful handsome man who fell in love with me at my heaviest. We're still together and he doesn't even notice I changed that much because he loves me for me not the amount of fat I have. You deserve love and support from your significant other. It's cool he's being honest but still, you should do this for you and only you.0
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I have given birth to only 2 kids; and I have a hard time keeping it off, but my husband would never tell me that. We have been married going on 36 years and I never heard those words come out of his mouth. You have had 4 kids and that put alot on your body and it sometime hard for us to loose that weigh after having kids. He might think he's helping by saying that, but little does he know. your a beatiufly person and he needs to see that.:flowerforyou:0
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He wants you to get breast implants and talks poorly about loose skin in your lower abdomen/pelvic area? No ma'am. Those are normal changes that come with having four children. This is not normal. What will he do when you lose weight and you still have asymmetrical breasts and loose skin?I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...
I think honesty is something that is important when speaking to your significant other. But this is something you need to really think about. This man wants you to alter who you are surgically because he is unhappy with how your body looks. THATS NOT OK and you should be glad he was honest with you because now you know how he really feels.
You do not need to change yourself for that man.
This goes far beyond your weight. This man is not right for you if the only way your body will attract him is through surgery. PERIOD! And honestly, I am glad that I can count on my husband to be honest with me. But he would never say something like this to me. Ever. And if he did I would be reevaluating our relationship. Your self esteem is suffering because of this man, and you do not deserve that.
Best of luck.
I admit I somehow skipped that post. If this is the case, I'm changing my opinion. He does sound like someone who will never accept you the way you are. The abuse will only grow from there! If he had these issues with you in the past why did he marry you and have a child with you? (I mean your breast did not suddenly change shape after you met him and after 3 kids when he met you, you already had loose skin)
I'm sensing someone who is no longer interested in you and is venting out hurtful things. It already looks like something that is not going to last. Do yourself and your kids a favor and look elsewhere. You do not need to be insecure about these issues. This is you, and the other person can take it or leave it. You don't subject yourself to surgery and all the health and financial risks that come with it for someone else, especially someone who obviously won't be staying.0 -
I read through all the comments. took me a while.
but i want to say Thank you everyone for all your support, I didn't think it was much of a big topic but you guys proved me wrong.
I do, however, know the type of man/boy he is. He upsets me at times but other times hes the sweetest guy in the world. Our relationship is great.... when we're not arguing about the kids (which is rare)
He is really open about his honesty and is really blunt even though it does sting a little.
After reading all of your comments last night, he came home around 1am from work. I decided to have a talk with him about the conversation.
As calmly as i could i said "I appreciate your honesty and the way you feel about my body, i'm going to use it as fuel to motivate me to lose weight" I gave him a taste of his own medicine like Mr. ceasar suggested. "Once i lose weight we'll be like those couples who one is too attractive than the other, since i'm already beautiful.. ya know" lol He looked at me like 'wtf' (he had commented on some girl who has an ugly husband and yet shes beautiful, and says he doesnt understand why that is) So i threw that in his face.
He was in disbelief and what upset me was that he was saying that im WRONG! that it would be the other way around. but i stuck to it. i said NO! i said " other people don't think youre THAT good looking at all!, if anything i'm better looking than you despite my physical appearance" He tried to deny the fact that i was right, i even threw in there; "so you think your better looking than me? you think i'm ugly now?" he said no.. of course not.
he was hurt! kept asking him 'whats wrong?" him; nothing... 20 minutes later.. "i'm sorry" i said "for what", him " i'm upset that people dont find me attractive"............ omg guy wow!
The conversation had continued on but bottom line, i'm glad he feels that way, immature as it may be i hope he understand the way I felt.
I will do this for myself and my kids. *kitten* what he thinks because even like this i can still turn heads.0 -
So. If my husband ever said that to me, I'd smack him. And then leave and find someone who doesn't constantly judge me.0
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I read through all the comments. took me a while.
but i want to say Thank you everyone for all your support, I didn't think it was much of a big topic but you guys proved me wrong.
I do, however, know the type of man/boy he is. He upsets me at times but other times hes the sweetest guy in the world. Our relationship is great.... when we're not arguing about the kids (which is rare)
He is really open about his honesty and is really blunt even though it does sting a little.
After reading all of your comments last night, he came home around 1am from work. I decided to have a talk with him about the conversation.
As calmly as i could i said "I appreciate your honesty and the way you feel about my body, i'm going to use it as fuel to motivate me to lose weight" I gave him a taste of his own medicine like Mr. ceasar suggested. "Once i lose weight we'll be like those couples who one is too attractive than the other, since i'm already beautiful.. ya know" lol He looked at me like 'wtf' (he had commented on some girl who has an ugly husband and yet shes beautiful, and says he doesnt understand why that is) So i threw that in his face.
He was in disbelief and what upset me was that he was saying that im WRONG! that it would be the other way around. but i stuck to it. i said NO! i said " other people don't think youre THAT good looking at all!, if anything i'm better looking than you despite my physical appearance" He tried to deny the fact that i was right, i even threw in there; "so you think your better looking than me? you think i'm ugly now?" he said no.. of course not.
he was hurt! kept asking him 'whats wrong?" him; nothing... 20 minutes later.. "i'm sorry" i said "for what", him " i'm upset that people dont find me attractive"............ omg guy wow!
The conversation had continued on but bottom line, i'm glad he feels that way, immature as it may be i hope he understand the way I felt.
I will do this for myself and my kids. *kitten* what he thinks because even like this i can still turn heads.
Honey, I really hope you will consider leaving him and finding a better man for yourself.0 -
anyone else responding to this really needs to read the whole thread... it isn't about weight loss at all... boyfriend is a douche waffle...
Preach. Yes dear lawwwwwd. Preach!
I think it started out asking for weight loss advice, but turned into a general discussion about the douchecanoe and that there are bigger issues as play.
It evolved didnt it. lol. sorry guys.0 -
I've gone through (almost) the same situation. Granted I haven't had kids and wasn't really overweight, but my Marine fiance confessed to me that he thought I was a little overweight and maybe needed to drop some lbs and tone up. I took it hard at first, I didn't see anything wrong with myself.
But my model friend, who I thank GREATLY, showed me this website and app. I then started browsing Pinterest for recipes, motivation, and everything in between. I basically looked up everything I know now in order to drop weight, and now I've lost 7lbs in a month and toned up a little. There's still more progress to be done, but with the right resources ANYONE can do it.
Try browsing a little and make up your own exercise plan. Mine goes Monday - Legs, Tuesday - Arms, Wednesday - Abs, Thursday - Rest, Friday - Legs, Saturday - Arms, Sunday - Abs
You can figure out your own workout by just looking good ones up. I also throw in a little yoga on the side or on rest days to kind of de-stress and still work out and stretch.
However, honey, don't do this for him. You need to do it for YOU. He seems like a giant *kitten*, considering what I've read from you.
Though my fiance confessed to me, he's actually helping me push through and telling me how great I'm doing. You need someone to help you, not throw you down.
I won't tell you that you need to drop your man, but anything poisonous in your life will NOT help you lose weight or be HEALTHY.
Healthy is what matters. Skinny is not.
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I think that everybody can find their motivation in themselves. There is nothing that I or anybody can say to yourself you make you do something that you are not willing to do, only you can make your body good in your eyes.
For me, it wasn't the fact that I always felt like people were making fun of me or looking down at me, but when I realized that I wasn't happy with the way that I look and any procrastination in the way of me achieving my goal was just laziness, and I am not lazy, so I gathered my thoughts and set to work.
I think that your husband really does love you and he was just expressing how he felt about your physical appearance so that you would know. It really isn't (so to speak) fair to be criticizing him on his honesty. If he was shallow and only based your relationship with him on appearances, he wouldn't have been honest, but rather a coward and just lied.
Nobody ever said it would be easy, but it is possible.0 -
Okay let's do this
I use Fitbit and I have lost over 15kgs since Christmas I'm aiming for 25 kgs or a bit more maybe so I will give you all the motivation you need
Comon Girl let's do this
15kgs is 33.0693lbs0 -
So now you guys are arguing about who is / who will be more attractive to others? Really? That's pretty juvenile.0
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Oy. How much of the grocery shopping/child rearing/house cleaning is he doing? Are you able to get 7-9 uninterrupted hours of sleep a night (necessary for weight loss)? Does he pay for gym membership and ensure that you are able to get to the gym every day?
You had 4 kids. That's a lot of trauma on the body. I know that Dan Savage has trained everyone to think that their sexual desires are necessities, but if he is sticking you with all the childrearing work and complaining that you don't look like a Victoria's Secret model, then he's just an entitled, selfish, deluded asshat.
*Edit: I read back in this thread and read your clarifications about your relationship. You can do better. Your BF is emotionally abusive and an asshat. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Your BF deserves a karma colonic.
So he does the grocery shopping because its a big hassle going to the store with everyone, i do the house cleaning, he does other things like feed the dogs, throw the trash.
I get about 3-5 hours of sleep, all interrupted though.
We do have a membership at the gym for both of us but he says we'll start going after they finish with the road block. blah blah.
I dont really get any me time.. probably only when i shower but sometimes they're pounding at the door. lol0 -
So now you guys are arguing about who is / who will be more attractive to others? Really? That's pretty juvenile.
Like i said, i know i was being immature.
I realize i should not have stooped to his level.0 -
Wow, this sounds like an awesome relationship!0
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I would seriously suggest you guys get some family counseling. There are much bigger issues here beside your weight. The biggest one I see is how he treats your children.0
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EDIT: Wow. After reading a bit more I figured it's best to just delete my entire post...0
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I really hope your kids aren't witnessing your arguments and aren't made to feel like burdens.
Here is your script for your next conversation with your... person:
"I'm sorry for mimicking bad behavior you display to me. My body will never turn into a pre-baby body, but I do want to lose some weight for my own health and confidence. If you want this to happen, then I need more sleep so I can actually workout, and you will need to take care of the kids while I do that. I will be going to the gym three days a week, and here is a calendar. Let's figure out what days work best. If you can't take the kids on those days, it will be your responsibility to find a babysitter for them."
Then follow through.0 -
My thoughts after seeing the latest posts from the OP:
Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.0 -
Screw the losing weight thing...your top priority should be the lives of your children with someone who apparently can't stand them.
I would never make my kids live with someone who didn't like them. In fact, any guy who has ever had a problem with my kids or done something ridiculously messed up to them has been ditched (and one got himself beaten up by me in the process for what he did to one of my kids).
Other than that, the guy sounds like all other abusers. My kids' father was massively abusive and it took him trying to kill me to get me to leave. My suggestion and best advice is to never let it get that far. His verbal and emotional abuse and control of you and your kids is just the beginning and not the end by any means.
Good luck,0 -
I base this on your most recent post ...
In all seriousness: Give up your children so that they can be raised by grown-ups. High school kids have better communication skills and more mature conversations than you and your husband.
At the very least, everyone involved should get family and individual counseling.0 -
Oy. How much of the grocery shopping/child rearing/house cleaning is he doing? Are you able to get 7-9 uninterrupted hours of sleep a night (necessary for weight loss)? Does he pay for gym membership and ensure that you are able to get to the gym every day?
You had 4 kids. That's a lot of trauma on the body. I know that Dan Savage has trained everyone to think that their sexual desires are necessities, but if he is sticking you with all the childrearing work and complaining that you don't look like a Victoria's Secret model, then he's just an entitled, selfish, deluded asshat.
*Edit: I read back in this thread and read your clarifications about your relationship. You can do better. Your BF is emotionally abusive and an asshat. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Your BF deserves a karma colonic.
So he does the grocery shopping because its a big hassle going to the store with everyone, i do the house cleaning, he does other things like feed the dogs, throw the trash.
I get about 3-5 hours of sleep, all interrupted though.
We do have a membership at the gym for both of us but he says we'll start going after they finish with the road block. blah blah.
I dont really get any me time.. probably only when i shower but sometimes they're pounding at the door. lol
Can I just stop you right here?
You're never going to convince everyone here there is a balance in your relationship so you might as well stop now. There are two reasons for this. 1) most relationships are ever changing, the "facts" to support either side will change by the minute...2) each person reading this has their own past/opinions/issues/baggage/perspective/values.
If someone reading this came from a family where the mom played second fiddle to the dad, no matter what you write she will see her mom being subjugated by her dad and answer from that perspective. If a guy on here has been slammed by pretty women in his past he'll answer from that one.
Since you agree this thread has become something other than how it started I suggest you report it to a mod for mod deletion.
When you start a new thread ask for more specific answers and what kinds of motivation you seek from us. I hardly think hearing slams of your husband and critiques of a play by play of your marriage are very motivating as you sought when you originally posted this. If I'm wrong that's fine but I just think you already have your motivation, to not hear that from hubs, and also that you seek motivation on here or maybe tips or something that makes the path more clear. I'm not sure but I think you were not seeking opinions whether to break up with him, whether he's a douche, or the like?0 -
I find it interesting that a lot of people think things like losing weight or having a baby or some thing that the other person wants will fix a messed up relationship.
This guy isn't going to change no matter HOW much weight you lose. So either get some family counseling or do whatever makes YOU happy....and ff part of that is losing weight, fine. But don't expect him to give an eff if you do...he will just find something ELSE to "be honest" about.
My b/'f has loved me fat and not so fat. Not because he is into fat women but because he appreciates what is underneath. He wants me to be healthy....that's the bottom line.0 -
Just wanted to say thanks for coming back and adding more. It was pretty clear from the start there was something else going on.
It's also clear you don't intend to leave. Just going by what you've posted so far, you're a young SAHM. I'm assuming you've been down that single mom road before and this guy is your financial support system. It's going to have to get a lot worse before you'd ever consider leaving or even seeking outside help.
I was that kid, the one who's mom stayed with the abusive man-*kitten* because she was a young mom with no foreseeable way out with two kids, no job, no savings, and no way to support us. Clearly, without a ton of support and a clear battle plan, leaving just isn't an option with four kids. And it doesn't sound like you're interested anyway.
My suggestion, and take this with a grain of salt as I have no idea what your life is like, find free or low cost counseling for the two of you. Not with the intent to leave, but so you guys can have a safe place to start learning how to communicate like grownups and be better parents to ALL of your kids.
Learn and teach proper terminology. Whole, half, and step siblings. Find a term you are all comfortable with and stick with it. I suggest brother/sister, but that's just me. Your kids will thank you for it.
If the gym you use doesn't offer childcare, cancel the membership and get one at a place that does. When I went gym hunting for my husband as a college graduation gift last year, I made sure to find one we could bring the kids to. While I can't at the moment, my two year old still cries with strangers, I know it's an option.
Better yet find one that is also 24 hours. While I would love to go during the day eventually, I often go with my mom or sister late at night after everyone is asleep. The only time I have to work out at home (and away from home for now) is between 10:30 and 1 am. Sometimes you got to do what you got to do.
Get Amazon, they have oodles of work out videos for free. They have fun dance ones my daughter likes. If your kids are old enough, maybe they'd enjoy doing them with you.
I too get very little sleep, it's part of being a parent and hopefully we'll all catch up when our kids are grown.
So there you go. Just my opinion based on my experience. Take it, leave it. I do wish you the best and I hope you can work together as a family.0 -
Oh man, if my boyfriend ever dared to talk to me like that, he'd be out of this apartment ASAP. There is a line between being honest with someone and being cruel, and there are other ways to motivate someone to get in better shape. I am 250 pounds, and my boyfriend is stick thin. Yet, he has never once said anything negative about my weight. I know that he would like to see me lose weight, but when we talk about it he focuses on my personal wellness instead of himself. I feel like what your boyfriend said is an attempt to pressure you into doing something, by trying to make you feel bad about yourself.
Considering that you've had four children, I'd say your weight is completely justifiable. If you want to lose that weight, do it for you. Don't do it because some guy is telling you he doesn't find you physically attractive. If that's how he feels now, how is he going to feel when you're old and grey, or when parts start to sag and droop. It happens to everyone, but but love typically transcends the physical so that even when physical attractiveness fades, the attraction still stays.
You need someone who loves you, respects you, and values you as an important part of their life.0 -
I did not read through all of the comments, i read the OP posts and her comments about her husband. It is none of our place to tell anyone what to do in a a relationship. I myself am going through a divorce right now and many will look at me and question why am i leaving such a great woman. You see my wife is a good woman who had done everything SHE can to make me happy and to make the marriage work and yet here we are four years later and we are divorcing. Why do I say this? Becasue no one knows all aspects of the marriage except for the individuals in it. We cannot speculate as to what makes that relationship work or not work. What I will comment on is what the OP did share with us, mainly her comments about her spouses original conversation with her and then her conversation with him about her decision to get fit and then be the attractive one. The spouses original statements in my opinion were out of line. The reason I feel they were out of line is becasue he talked to her as if she was a girl he was meeting in a bar and not his spouse whom he knew to have had four children. Honesty is wonderful in fact it is essential in a marriage, however how you present that honesty is just as vital an issue. To tell your wife, mother of four that she is pretty but yet you find her physically unattractive is something a silly college boy does in a bar to a young lady he is not really interested in. It is not a loving statement or a supportive statement, additionally the build up of admitting she is pretty is nothing more than a jab punch that a boxer uses before he levels his opponant with the right hook out of no where. The husband in this relationship is is need of individual growth and maybe counseling can help. My reasoning for this is the conversation that the OP started with him in which she was clearly taunting him about how she would be the more attractive partner once she lost weight. His only take from the conversation was that she told him many people do not find him to be that attractive. His own self worth is so caught up in his appearance and how people see him that he completly missed the bigger point of the OP's conversation which I believe was that it is hurtful to call your spouse physcially unattractive and that rather than put each other down they should be supportive of each other and build each other up. I pray the OP finds her own motivation to et physically healthy and also that as a couple they seek some counseling so a family is not broken apart because of what seems to amount to adolescent behaviors.0
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I read through all the comments. took me a while.
but i want to say Thank you everyone for all your support, I didn't think it was much of a big topic but you guys proved me wrong.
I do, however, know the type of man/boy he is. He upsets me at times but other times hes the sweetest guy in the world. Our relationship is great.... when we're not arguing about the kids (which is rare)
He is really open about his honesty and is really blunt even though it does sting a little.
After reading all of your comments last night, he came home around 1am from work. I decided to have a talk with him about the conversation.
As calmly as i could i said "I appreciate your honesty and the way you feel about my body, i'm going to use it as fuel to motivate me to lose weight" I gave him a taste of his own medicine like Mr. ceasar suggested. "Once i lose weight we'll be like those couples who one is too attractive than the other, since i'm already beautiful.. ya know" lol He looked at me like 'wtf' (he had commented on some girl who has an ugly husband and yet shes beautiful, and says he doesnt understand why that is) So i threw that in his face.
He was in disbelief and what upset me was that he was saying that im WRONG! that it would be the other way around. but i stuck to it. i said NO! i said " other people don't think youre THAT good looking at all!, if anything i'm better looking than you despite my physical appearance" He tried to deny the fact that i was right, i even threw in there; "so you think your better looking than me? you think i'm ugly now?" he said no.. of course not.
he was hurt! kept asking him 'whats wrong?" him; nothing... 20 minutes later.. "i'm sorry" i said "for what", him " i'm upset that people dont find me attractive"............ omg guy wow!
The conversation had continued on but bottom line, i'm glad he feels that way, immature as it may be i hope he understand the way I felt.
I will do this for myself and my kids. *kitten* what he thinks because even like this i can still turn heads.
Yeah, and tell the jerk that you wish he HAD MORE SKIN DOWN THERE and his breasts are also asymmetrical. Sounds like he is a real sweety. You are so much prettier than he is handsome, and I am not in any way, shape, or form into people of my same sex, but you are hawt, he's nawt.0 -
Hello my name is Cat,
I am trying to loose weight again not my first attempt eithet. I have an underactive Thyroid gland
Which makes me gain weight easily but not impossible to loose.
I just need a few bags of will power0 -
Hello my name is Cat,
I am trying to loose weight again not my first attempt eithet. I have an underactive Thyroid gland
Which makes me gain weight easily but not impossible to loose.
I just need a few bags of will power
Hiya - I think that you've accidentally posted into the wrong thread... whoops.0
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