Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.
Replies
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Sorry, I didn't read all the comments, and probably someone already told you this...
i might sound rude, but your biggest motivation should be you, not your husband... you must undergo through what is needed to change for yourself... you gave him the most wonderful thing a woman can give to a man, the possibility of being father, I wish I had that luck, but unfortunately, haven't met the woman who gave me that treasure. He must love you for what you are, what you were, what you do, and what you've done, not how about you look, he should support you and concern about your health, if it is a matter of health risk, we all get old, get fat, and flappy bellies it's part of the process of living.
How about when he have a belly? or for some reason his sexual performance fails? Will you abandon him?
Apologies for you and other women on site if I sound rude, but it's the way i am, think and feel.0 -
Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?
He shouldn't have even gone there. Now she's gonna go try and lose weight, might fail, and there he will be with his honesty and it will be her fault that "he's not attracted to her."
What if she asked him?
Not then either. For her own sake as well. What if she fails?
So your solution is for him to just lie about it.
Answer my question. If she fails, what good is his honesty for their marriage?
Honesty is always better than lying.
Lying isn't always wrong. Not saying everything that bounces around in your head out loud isn't always wrong.
Is any of this actually helping the OP??? I think not.0 -
Arguing about who is the most or least attractive? Classy.0
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Arguing about who is the most or least attractive? Classy.
^^ Agree. Get some counselling for your relationship issues and work on your weight loss separately if that's what you want to do and tell your BF you won't require anymore "motivation" from him.0 -
First off, I completely agree with all the pages of people saying that this isn't about your weight or appearance at all. This guy is being controlling and abusive, and will continue to find flaws with you even if you lose all the weight and have the surgery and become the "perfect" girlfriend (hint: there's never such a thing as perfect - if you did manage to achieve perfection then you'd no longer be human!!). And worse than that, this isn't just about you and him - there are four children also caught in the middle of this, learning from your behaviour and his about how they should treat their girlfriends/wives (your sons) and what is an acceptable way to be treated by a boyfriend/husband (your daughters).
I'd seriously ask you to sit down and think about the advice you would give a close friend if they came to you and described their relationship as being the same as yours. Would you tell them they needed to change for their partner? Would you break your back trying to get them the hell out of the relationship? Would you try and at least shield the kids in some way?
Only YOU truly know every part of your life, and your various options/support-networks and so only you can figure out the correct thing to do. We can all advise and make suggestions, but at the end of the day we are complete strangers who only know tiny parts of the whole story (and of course we all have wildly different opinions!!).
But I really really do wish you and your kids the best of luck, and a life full of the happiness that you all deserve.
Last of all, even though I've already said (and lots of other people have too) that this issue has nothing to do with losing weight etc, if/when you do get to a point where you want to lose the weight for yourself (and perhaps your kids/health reasons etc, but not for a partner) then MFP is absolutely crammed full of help and advise on how to get started. But without the motivation, you'll get no-where. And I'm afraid that we can't provide you with a bucket of pre-prepared motivation: that one is entirely down to you!0 -
First off, I completely agree with all the pages of people saying that this isn't about your weight or appearance at all. This guy is being controlling and abusive, and will continue to find flaws with you even if you lose all the weight and have the surgery and become the "perfect" girlfriend (hint: there's never such a thing as perfect - if you did manage to achieve perfection then you'd no longer be human!!). And worse than that, this isn't just about you and him - there are four children also caught in the middle of this, learning from your behaviour and his about how they should treat their girlfriends/wives (your sons) and what is an acceptable way to be treated by a boyfriend/husband (your daughters).
I'd seriously ask you to sit down and think about the advice you would give a close friend if they came to you and described their relationship as being the same as yours. Would you tell them they needed to change for their partner? Would you break your back trying to get them the hell out of the relationship? Would you try and at least shield the kids in some way?
Only YOU truly know every part of your life, and your various options/support-networks and so only you can figure out the correct thing to do. We can all advise and make suggestions, but at the end of the day we are complete strangers who only know tiny parts of the whole story (and of course we all have wildly different opinions!!).
But I really really do wish you and your kids the best of luck, and a life full of the happiness that you all deserve.
Last of all, even though I've already said (and lots of other people have too) that this issue has nothing to do with losing weight etc, if/when you do get to a point where you want to lose the weight for yourself (and perhaps your kids/health reasons etc, but not for a partner) then MFP is absolutely crammed full of help and advise on how to get started. But without the motivation, you'll get no-where. And I'm afraid that we can't provide you with a bucket of pre-prepared motivation: that one is entirely down to you!
^^this.. your a gorgeous girl, what your hubby said to you is his problem (he's insecure because he knows how gorgeous you are or because he's been a bad boy) , not yours and the things he has said to you can scarr you for life.
If you are not happy with your weight and shape after childbirth then you do it for you (or just to keep up with the kids lol).0 -
1st off. I applaud your husbands honesty and your ability to communicate. 2nd off, it makes him sound really superficial cause it says he is attracted to you on the outside, if he loves your personality the he should be attracted to that, and a "beautiful" face is just that regardless of weight your husband should find you attractive inside and out. Makes him sound kind of superficial, after all your weight gain is probably due to having 4 beautiful children, and the busy life that comes with it. And i would worry about how he is gonna see me when im 70, 80 years old, skinny or not, because as we age our beauty is different, whats he gonna think when you get wrinkles etc. But that is beyond the point. sorry.
That being said. I can tell you if you are doing this for him, its not gonna work. I know because i tried that for years. I did it for my husband, my kids, etc etc. Until i got it in my head that i had to do it FOR ME i never stuck to it. the reason for this is you can always make a excuse not to do things for others, but its a lot harder to make excuses to your self and have them sit well. that motivates you. I started doing this for me a month ago and have lost 8 lbs and 9 inches on my body.
To do this, i just started walking, walking walking. put 2 of my 3 kids in the stroller and the other one rides his bike and we walk. When the weather stinks and we cant get outside, i have found youtube is great for work out videos, (do a search for fitness blender on you tube, they have 100's of full length workouts on there, some short so you can do one during nap time, or while supper is in the oven, and some long ones. just get moving, dance party in your living room with your kids....gets them involved. play tag in the park with the kids.
Log your food, EVERY bite, every cookie, gummy snack, burger, fry, EVERYTHING. Be honest with yourself! this is most important. Your husband was honest with you, Now its time to be honest with YOURSELF! write down what Your goals for YOURSELF are. take beginning photos, and your measurements, cause in all honesty the scale is an *kitten* and the lbs may not come off but the inches will. and sometimes that is more motivation! Dig inside your self and find the motivation from inside. and there are days you will slip, you need to accept that you are human and this is life change and there will be days that you get busy and dont eat the best or dont get in a workout. be okay with that, dont beat yourself up over it, learn to accept it and get back up and get back to it the next day..
Im not sure of your familys eating habits but cut back on processed food. homemade is always better. less "boxed" meals. plan meals ahead, look up things like freezer meals that use fresh ingredients, more veggies and fruits. most of your grocery shopping should be in the outer aisles, produce,lean meats, etc. Make it a family change in habits and your husband and kids should be on board with it. it makes it easier on you when your not cooking 2 separate meals.
you dont need expensive gym memberships, or diet fads, pills etc. you just need to move and burn more than you consume. And DO THIS FOR YOU. I can not say that enough. it has to be a change in lifestyle not a quick loss just to look hot, cause then you will be more likely to put it back on.
feel free to add me im on daily, im good for cheering you on! Oh another suggestion, find a "workout buddie" someone that can go for walks with you, that can push you when you are struggling.0 -
I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...
Sorry but he sounds like a total a-hole. I looked at your profile and you can do far better. You're very pretty. There's my blunt honesty. You probably already know this but it sounds like he's making excuses to potentially end the relationship with you or cheat on you. If you were a close friend, the advice I would give is to leave him and find someone who will really love you. You being miserable isn't good for your kids (that's one of my personal motivations for losing weight).
Have you ever thought that being in a toxic relationship like that could be contributing to your weight gain? If someone was criticizing me everyday over every little thing on my body (especially my husband), I would have a hard time feeling good enough about myself to do anything about it.
Although, at this point in my life, if anyone was to make a snide comment about my weight or anything about me physically, they'd get a middle finger to the face. I love me too much to allow anyone else to insult me in that way. They don't do it to "help" you, they do it to make themselves feel better or to use it as an excuse for something they did or may want to do that will hurt you. This "motivation" by making someone feel like crap is such bullsh*t.
He's a bully and nothing more.0 -
Wow that's real deep ... first of all , YOU HAVE DONE AMAZING TO GIVE BIRTH TO 4 KIDS! WELL DONE!
SECONDLY,Your husband may be being honest but making you feel insecure by saying hes no longer finding you physically attractive anymore is just not right ... he should be helping you lose the weight ... for example; what to eat and not what to eat, little exercises to do now and then when you have the time together.
You have had 4 kids its not that easy to get back to your previous shape ... he should understand that... But one thing I would suggest is to take the negative words said by your husband or anybody else as motivation to push you to get up and do that exercise ... just let the words play in your head as you sit there feeling unmotivated to do any exercise .... that should give you the extra drive to prove those people wrong and get moving!
Its easier said than done I know but you can do it girl! Just take each day at a time
Should he have just lied to her then?
OP I'm glad you and your husband can communicate honestly, even if it stings. Please get healthier for yourself and for your children. The rest will follow.
Ps I think you're pretty.
[to: OdesAngel, the thing about a marriage that last, is that it is not going to always be pretty. Honesty in a marriage is a very good thing, but there are many ways in which to be honest. Love should transcend the physical, because we will change as we get older. I can relate to this woman because my EX husband used to say that same thing to me (while he was cheating out of both pant legs). One day, I looked at him and I said, I don't find you physically attractive anymore because you are going BALD! He never said those words to me again. It would have helped me if he would have said, hey babe, let's exercise, let''s take a walk. It would have helped me if he would have show concern about my physical health and not my physical beauty. Words hurt and cannot be taken back, so they should be used with care.0 -
I read through all the comments. took me a while.
but i want to say Thank you everyone for all your support, I didn't think it was much of a big topic but you guys proved me wrong.
I do, however, know the type of man/boy he is. He upsets me at times but other times hes the sweetest guy in the world. Our relationship is great.... when we're not arguing about the kids (which is rare)
He is really open about his honesty and is really blunt even though it does sting a little.
After reading all of your comments last night, he came home around 1am from work. I decided to have a talk with him about the conversation.
As calmly as i could i said "I appreciate your honesty and the way you feel about my body, i'm going to use it as fuel to motivate me to lose weight" I gave him a taste of his own medicine like Mr. ceasar suggested. "Once i lose weight we'll be like those couples who one is too attractive than the other, since i'm already beautiful.. ya know" lol He looked at me like 'wtf' (he had commented on some girl who has an ugly husband and yet shes beautiful, and says he doesnt understand why that is) So i threw that in his face.
He was in disbelief and what upset me was that he was saying that im WRONG! that it would be the other way around. but i stuck to it. i said NO! i said " other people don't think youre THAT good looking at all!, if anything i'm better looking than you despite my physical appearance" He tried to deny the fact that i was right, i even threw in there; "so you think your better looking than me? you think i'm ugly now?" he said no.. of course not.
he was hurt! kept asking him 'whats wrong?" him; nothing... 20 minutes later.. "i'm sorry" i said "for what", him " i'm upset that people dont find me attractive"............ omg guy wow!
The conversation had continued on but bottom line, i'm glad he feels that way, immature as it may be i hope he understand the way I felt.
I will do this for myself and my kids. *kitten* what he thinks because even like this i can still turn heads.
I'm sorry, is this a grade school romance or an adult relationship?
I think you both need to grow up.0 -
I think you and your husband need to work on your relationship. But that's not what you asked about. So that's all I'll say.
I have 5 kids. I know how hard it is to find time to exercise, even though my husband would watch them for me to work out. He has to work, and when he's home, I'd rather spend time as a family . . . that's MY priority, not saying everyone should choose it! So I try to fit workouts into my day. I really like to do short workouts - sworkit and hot5 are good apps for that. I can get in 5 or 10 minutes when the kids are occupied. Sometimes they try to keep up with me. We go on walks sometimes too. I haven't gotten too far into exercise yet, but starting somewhere is better than not starting.
As for food, MFP is a great place to track what you eat. Seeing your daily progress can be so motivating!
Set small goals - 5 pounds at a time. Give your self small rewards when you acheive them - I love to do my nails, so I've been getting a new nail polish. If your husband won't watch the kids, ask a friend or relative to help out so that some of your rewards can involve some time without the kids.
I would also suggest looking into some kind of therapy or self-help program on self-esteem. No matter where it comes from, your self-esteem problems will impact your ability to lose weight. While I sometimes find my irritation with my weight to be motivating, most of the time it sends me into a bit of a shame/guilt/depression spiral, which often ends with emotional eating - and I don't consider myself to have low self-esteem in general. I know that in the past, before I dealt with those issues in a big way with therapy, it was much worse. And I was much thinner.
I wish you luck. It's a hard thing to lose weight and harder without support from our loved ones. But you can find some support here.0 -
I won't feel better about anything I read for the last hour until you actually confront this a**hole about the way he treats your children, and tell us you have a plan for what YOU are going to do to help these innocent kids. You don't seem very concerned with everyone else's concerns for them...only for salvaging your *kitten* relationship. I shouldn't get so invested, but I REALLY feel awful for your kids and wish you would act like their MOTHER and do something about it, not just accepting the way he treats them because you need someone to cuddle up to at night.
ETA: Good luck with the weight loss, but that's the least of your problems right now.0 -
I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...
I agree with this!!0 -
First of all, I think you are gorgeous!
Second of all, your body produced 4 children. Bodies change after no children. Bodies change after one child. You had four. Of COURSE there are going to be changes.
You have to want to make changes for yourself. You have to want to be healthier and be in better shape for you, nobody else. The effects will resonate, yes. You will have more energy for your kids while teaching them the importance of proper nutrition and exercise. You will feel better about yourself.
But, I can't stress this enough. Do it for you.0 -
First off, I'd like to disagree with almost all of the people posting so far. If his honesty has motivated you to get on MFP and start counting calories and working out, great! Good job taking that initiative. Just because the man has told the truth, and the truth is not pretty, is no reason to condemn him. He did the right thing. I think he should be supportive and help, but would you be motivated to even bother if you didn't know why he wanted to help you get fit?
I'm not going to *****foot like many people have on your posting. You gained a lot of weight and never lost it. Your spouse notices, and he isn't attracted to it. You are lucky to have a partner who is so honest. It is a long and difficult road but it is very possible. Changes happened, but you have within you the power to reverse them. It is hard though. Its a lot of work. But worth it. Friend me if you want, and ask me any questions you have about dieting or working out. I'll be more than happy to help, no sugar coating or wishy washy pity that you neither want nor need included. You are a strong person to have such a large family that you take care of, so this challenge is minor in comparison.0 -
I tried to read through all of the comments. Didn't get through them all, but I read enough. Losing weight should be the last of your worries. You should be worried about getting ALL of your children away from this psycho. Him saying that he wished it were just the two of you is a red flag. There's no way in hell I would want my kids in the same house as him, let alone let him watch them while I went to the gym to lose weight FOR HIM. I only hope, for your children's sake, you realize what a douche he is. What a sad situation.0
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I read through all the comments. took me a while.
but i want to say Thank you everyone for all your support, I didn't think it was much of a big topic but you guys proved me wrong.
I do, however, know the type of man/boy he is. He upsets me at times but other times hes the sweetest guy in the world. Our relationship is great.... when we're not arguing about the kids (which is rare)
He is really open about his honesty and is really blunt even though it does sting a little.
After reading all of your comments last night, he came home around 1am from work. I decided to have a talk with him about the conversation.
As calmly as i could i said "I appreciate your honesty and the way you feel about my body, i'm going to use it as fuel to motivate me to lose weight" I gave him a taste of his own medicine like Mr. ceasar suggested. "Once i lose weight we'll be like those couples who one is too attractive than the other, since i'm already beautiful.. ya know" lol He looked at me like 'wtf' (he had commented on some girl who has an ugly husband and yet shes beautiful, and says he doesnt understand why that is) So i threw that in his face.
He was in disbelief and what upset me was that he was saying that im WRONG! that it would be the other way around. but i stuck to it. i said NO! i said " other people don't think youre THAT good looking at all!, if anything i'm better looking than you despite my physical appearance" He tried to deny the fact that i was right, i even threw in there; "so you think your better looking than me? you think i'm ugly now?" he said no.. of course not.
he was hurt! kept asking him 'whats wrong?" him; nothing... 20 minutes later.. "i'm sorry" i said "for what", him " i'm upset that people dont find me attractive"............ omg guy wow!
The conversation had continued on but bottom line, i'm glad he feels that way, immature as it may be i hope he understand the way I felt.
I will do this for myself and my kids. *kitten* what he thinks because even like this i can still turn heads.
I'm sorry, is this a grade school romance or an adult relationship?
I think you both need to grow up.
OP chooses to argue about who is hotter instead about how SHE LETS him treats her children. She is beautiful but not very smart, If I was a single mother of three children I would NOT have another child with a person that I know for short period.0 -
OP, do you really think you love him as a long term relationship or do you just feel stuck with him because you had a child fairly early in your relationship?
He's a DBag. Seriously.
If my significant other ever said anything negative about my breasts or "down there" after I had his child(ren) I would take my uneven breasts and FUPA to someone who would appreciate them. Cause trust me, a real man would.0 -
FUPA
OK, had to Urban Dictionary that one.0 -
FUPA
OK, had to Urban Dictionary that one.
woohoo i didnt have too.. one i actually know ..im not so old after all :P0 -
Hi everyone,
this is my second attempt to lose weight and get back in shape. Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive!
He loves my personality and my "beautiful" face other than that... my physical appearance is an eye sore. I have 4 kids, I'm the biggest i've ever been!
His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.
I need help! I need to get fit!
I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
Knowledge of nutrition and exercise are pretty easy to find.
http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/
http://www.nutrition.gov/weight-management/strategies-success/interested-losing-weight
http://win.niddk.nih.gov/publications/myths.htm
http://www.downstate.edu/ahd/nwl.html
There is no bad exercise, unless you are causing injury. Find something you like enough to stick with and do it. If you get bored with it, try something else. Just do something.
But motivation has to come from you. If your husband not finding you attractive is not enough motivation, how about your health? How about the example you set for your children? How do YOU feel about what you see in the mirror?
Unless YOU want to change, you will not change.0 -
After seeing more posts of yours OP......I am going to come off judgemental..... Screw the weight, screw honesty and screw anything he wants. His attitude towards your children is sociopathic, unhealthy and honestly dangerous. As a Mom your first priority is your kids, by laughing about what this creep says or how he behaves toward your children is childish, irresponsible and damn near neglectful as a mother. 4 kids, 2 dads and young......no judgment on this but keeping your kids around a man (term used lightly) that has this attitude towards them and their mother is purely on you. I don't know the particulars, but the dad of the first 3 should fight to get his kids out of the environment of the current guy. If he doesn't or isn't involved, OP you obviously do not take choosing a mate seriously.
If it was just you and your youngest child, I would be sympathetic and just say the current guy is a douche and you can and should move on. With your other kids involved, if you don't get them away from him....you are just as liable for what damage (mental or physical) that this guy inflicts.
You are a mom FIRST, please get your priorities straight.0 -
Has anyone said "Just break up!" yet?0
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If I asked my husband a question like that, he better tell me his honest opinion. However if he does feel that way he should be helping you out by giving you an hour everyday to exercise or he should be going on family walks with you.0
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I really hope my boyfriend would be as supportive of me as possible. If he has such a problem with the way I look, I'd expect him to help me get fit.0
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Has anyone said "Just break up!" yet?
Kinda, I told her to just break up with this thread.0 -
Has anyone said "Just break up!" yet?
Kinda, I told her to just break up with this thread.
Ya, I keep coming back to this thread, but I can't be bothered to go through all 14 pages. I was wondering the same thing. I don't like to post it, if it's already been said. That's just rude.0 -
Real talk though, if you want to do it for you, then that's great. As far as motivation goes I have many different things motivating me. 1) Health. Obviously. 2) My 2 daughters. I grew up around unhealthy eating habits and I don't want the same for them. I want them to enjoy healthy foods, understand moderation and have a healthy mom to do things with. 3) Clothes I haven't worn in a long time or want to buy but wouldn't look good at my size now. 4) My husband. Yes, a SO can be motivation. But not because he told me he's not attracted to me, quite the opposite. He worships my body and I want to be the most smoking hot MILF possible for him.
So, you have to find your true motivation, for you.
From there, focus on eating clean. Veggies, fruits, meats, moderate amounts of healthy fats, etc. Then try to get moving. Go for walks with your kids in the evenings. Make it a family affair.0 -
TLDR
Your motivation should be for yourself, and not for your husband's or anyone else's approval.0 -
If your husband does not find you physically attractive after you have given him 4 kids, then he is an *kitten*. Physical attraction is based on love, love is not based on physical attraction. If he does not find you physically attractive he is not in love with you and that is the real problem. He may still love you but when you are in love with someone it does not matter if they have 6 chins and rolls all over, they are still attractive to you. He is saying, I don't love you anymore, not I want you to diet. Your marriage needs help. Dieting will change the way you think about you and that might make him more attracted to you for a while but there will be a time when you are old and frail and he should still find you beautiful. Sorry to be so blunt but you are in an do or divorce situation so deal with the real problem.0
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